overview:

im in a situation with a girl where theres quite a few problems.

as per the title, i feel i have two options:

-i can either call it off completely - and accept i probably wont be getting any for a while, cos of covid (im in europe where sh*t is still locked down).
-or just continue smashing and not be satisfied, and look for anything better which comes up.

I HAVE confronted her about this before - where i told her than in order to 'take things more seriously' (which, as you can imagine she's pushing for) i would need for this stuff to be fixed. but it isn't really happening.

ive made a list. the biggest con to me is the sex frequency.
whenever we are together we do it - and she's into it. ive never once been turned down for sex, which imo is an instant dealbreaker.

but the problem is we dont see each other enough to do it as much as i want, if that makes sense.

PROS:

-good chemistry together
-sex is good, when it does happen
-loving, cooks for me, eager to please generally

CONS:

-neither of us have our own place, im living at home cos i lost my job due to covid. so in order to smash we need to either do it in public, my car, or rent somewhere. parents houses are off limits.
-as per above point, renting a place (airbnb or whatnot) even x2 a week gets really expensive and isn't sustainable for the long term.

-she doesn't drive - so its a pain in the ass driving her around everywhere, and dropping her home after we've been out - fuel costs are getting really high

-the sex isn't enough. its good when we have it, but im referring to the frequency. we normally do it twice a week but sometimes its just once as renting a place is expensive. then we might do it once more in the car or something. so its on average 2x a week. when im dating a girl im used to getting it whenever i want, which is usually whenever we spend the night together. (4-5x a week)

im not used to having to curb my sex drive, and i feel like im disrespecting myself and my needs.

-she can be quite manipulative and passive aggressive, and she has lied before more than a few times.
recently it has been better but its always in the back of my mind. this is actually an aside to the points above which are a bigger deal for me right now.


do i keep going with something where im sort of getting my needs met but not really, or just end it completely.
should i bring it up to her again and clearly state that my needs aren't being met?

she wants to get more serious but as it stands, theres just no way i could

Seems like she wants something more serious
Definitely seems like it's costing you more then the benefits
Best not string her along if you're not keen on being in a relationship with her

Answers obvious here mate unless you want to keep smashing since she already knows you're not into anything serious but judging by what you said, doesn't seem like you guys fuk alot anyway to begin with due to not having your own place

you reckon it's worth bringing up to her again to re-state what i want or just keep smashing..?

i guess another alternative is if we agreed that this is just gonna be a FWB like situation from now on. at least then id smash without having to worry where its gonna go from here

90% sure she wouldn't be down for that though. but if im willing to walk away regardless maybe its a good call

does she have any red flags besides the passive aggression etc?

I don’t see why you would need to break it off, you still won’t have your own place even if you dump her. That’s your problem, not hers.

Just keep smashing, if you’re not satisfied try to find more girls but don’t break it off or try to change anything with this one. You want more frequency, not less do you?

I hope you can get a job soon mate, good luck

yeah shes quite immature/jealous/anxious

she's 25 but she has a lot of the traits of an 18 year old srsyou make a good point.

my reasoning is, its mostly about respecting myself and what i want.

i could keep smashing, and getting my needs met somewhat - but i think it sets a bad precedent. it feels like im willing to settle for less, which isn't something i want to do

unless of course, i made it clear to her that we can continue as FWB and it'll never go further. but all the while she's pushing/wanting more - it makes me feel like im short changing myself

sure - not smashing anyone is gonna suck in the short term - but at least i dont have to deal with any drama either

re. the job - thanks man i appreciate it

The only con I see is being manipulative and lying. If it was on the levels of how my ex was, I'd break it off immediately.

Not having a place to smash? That's your problem. What makes you think the next girl will be any different? Focus on getting a job and getting your own place.

As for the sex frequency, you're better off just dumping her and have 2 or 3 chicks on speed dial to chill throughout the week if that's what you want. Not every girl is going to want to smash every day. Again, more difficult if you can't because of parents. Lot's of girls live at home or share a room. You're just limiting your options.

If she doesn't drive, make her pay her fair share. Give you gas money or make her pay for dinner. Times are tough plus it's the 21st century, equal rights and all that stuff.

how would you describe your ex? how bad was it and i'll give you a comparison

well the girls ive been with in the past, they have had their own places so with that in mind, this doesn't really live up to what im used to.
i do think most (successful) girls my age would and should have their own place. so i think its a fair thing to ask for. my living situation is purely temporary until i get rehired

i was renting up until recently so i had mine as well, then covid came around and i lost my job.


re. the 2 or 3 chicks thing - totally agree that would be perfect, just times are pretty tough for meeting girls right now. i dont like online dating so thats out. im kind of stuck with this until things open up

if i was dating a girl and sleeping with her often, it would be a red flag if she didn't want to smash whenever i did (i could easily go every day). at least in the beginning.
for example i was smashing my ex at least every other day 4 years in. ive never had this issue before

she always goes half with me on meals, and she sometimes ubers it to my house. but i do most of the driving cos uber is like 10x the price so it seems reasonable

Not going to make a story out of it but we known each other since high school. She knew all my weaknesses, knew I'd go to hell and back for her, what pushes my buttons, things I went through, turned it against me to for hew own benefit. Wasn't always like that but towards the end, yeah. The hell with her as I'm in a much better place, financially and mentally, not to mention the best shape in my life.

Meeting isn't hard. I got 2 women I'm seeing right now but only smash a few times per month each. Is what it is. However, if I ever get back into a relationship, wouldn't mind weekly sex if she was loyal, had all the green boxes checked and cooked good food.

Just my opinion, it shouldn't be a red flag if she's not everyday. Consistency is more important than frequency. If she cuts you off that yeah, that would be a problem. Like I said not every chick is going to want to smash everyday. If that's what you want, best to be upfront and communicate that so neither of you is disappointed if the expectations are not met and if she doesn't met your standards, move on to the next.

appreciate the input. that sounds pretty rough and you definitely did the right thing.

ive also known this girl for a long time, although we haven't been 'together' we've had a sort of on/off fling here and there. we have a history of sorts.

meeting is dependent on personal situation i guess. i used to live overseas, so my social circle back home is pretty non existent. im starting from scratch almost.

i agree consistency is important, but i think you hit the nail on the head where i have to be honest with what i want. and i should communicate to her exactly what my needs are, which i did before, but i guess not as assertively as i wasn't willing to walk away from it at that time.

and frankly id never be ok with once weekly sex. even every other day im totally fine with, but the logistics prevent that.. so i'd be settling no matter what

although it's not entirely her fault im leaning towards thinking the drama/investment i need to go along with just isn't worth it for only getting my dick wet twice a week

It sounds like the lack of sex is more due to the fact that you both don't live alone vs. her desire? I mean that's not something that is her fault necessarily.

If anything you should focus on getting a job and your own place. Then think about women when things are settled.

yes youre partially correct

that is the limiting factor, however i do think if she really wanted it she'd make it obvious/try to meet up with me more than she does. even if she made the effort to see me more, so that could actually happen i'd at least see that she's trying. but when 4 or 5 days have gone by and she's cool with it - i find it really weird

whether or not she is satisfied by twice a week i dont know, but what i do know is she's never the one to bring it up. i am. would you be ok with sex x2 a week?

and in any case, whether its her fault or not.. i need to figure out if its worth me investing in this when i'll never actually feel satisfied.


as for the job, chances are i'll get it back sometime after the summer or early next year when things get better.
anything i get before then i would just be working for chump change, and i dont want to live paycheck to paycheck just to pay rent

Sounds like you don't want to date and she does. Make sure she's aware of this and put the ball in her court.

If the hassle is too much then just end it.

Even if you both agree things are "casual," after a while talking daily and making plans weekly makes it feel more than casual and it's best to end it and get on with your lives. You'll be more productive/motivated to improve other aspects of your life without devoting time and energy into something (someone) that's just temporary and losing its appeal to you.

So you want more sex, but dont have a house or place to take her, and thats somehow her fault?

Get your own place.

i agree. it already does feel more than casual really, which is probably why this is bothering me. im investing in something which isn't giving me the returns i want.

as transactional as that sounds, thats what any relationship is. you give and you get.you make a good point.

maybe its neither of our faults. but tbh if push came to shove, we could bang someway, somehow 4x a week. i think i should bring it up to her and see if she feels the same. just flat out ask her if shes ok with the frequency. if she says yes, i tell her im not. or if she says no, we can figure out a way to do it more. thoughts..?

because lets say i got my own place, if shes totally fine with doing it twice a week, then i wouldn't be satisfied then either. and we would have dragged it on another god knows how many months, in the hopes that was the reason and it wasn't at all

How close do you live? Making time for anyone more than 2x a week is a lot to expect.
Not having your own place is probably also keeping you from having more extended overnight hangouts (where you can go multiple times).
Pretty absurd to think someone you're not even interested in longterm is going to make time for you 4x per week.

we live about a 20min drive away

maybe ive just been jaded by past experiences.. if im seeing someone i'd usually see them 3 or 4 times per week, even only for a few hours after work or something. it just seemed natural

atm neither of us are working so we have a ton of free time

You live at home because you’re poor, and your parents don’t allow you any privacy there so your sex is infrequent. And you blame that on her. Lol.

Find another job covid is over.

Hilariously pathetic. No offense.

you have no idea on my personal situation other than the minor details ive mentioned itt

see cp boyo

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