Cliffs:

-new gf of 3 months
-she has been cheated on in previous relationships
-decides to use the opportunity of me being sick to go through my whatsapp in bed next to me
-i see her and call her out
-she cries and tells me she loves me
-i say we will talk about it when im better
-i feel like i can't trust her if she pulls stuff like this when im in such a compromised position
-i planned a trip to thailand in Jan with her and im not sure now if she does stuff like this


story
-known her for about 3 months
-she has a few red flags, but i decided to play it out an see how it goes

-good things about her - seems loyal, loving, caring, feminine, not woke, attractive, in good shape, our life goals match up, and she works in the same field as me

-red flags being - bad relationship with family, has been cheated on before, and also claimed one of her EX's raped her. also she is super clingy which is annoying at times.

so with that out that way,
she now and then notices girls messages coming up on my whatsapp. These are from girls who ive no romantic interest in. I had known them before and am just shooting the sh*t with. She has never actively said dont do that or she doesn't like it. She thinks that i like them, or that I'm interested in them - which I'm not. We spoke about it around 1 month ago, and that was that. If she actually said, please stop talking to them i dont like it - it would be a different issue entirely. But she seemed ok when i cleared up that i wasn't interested in them whatsoever.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago - we planned a trip to Thailand in January (we live pretty close to there anyway, so it's not the massive excursion you might think). But its still a trip nonetheless so I've kind of invested in that now, just bear in mind.

Skip forward another week. I got sick a few days ago. Like really, bedbound sick. Turns out i have simultaneous tonsilitis and sinusitis. Like anyone would, I told her this and asked do you mind to come over and help me with house stuff and cook a few meals for me, which ofc she did. She has been coming and going the past 3 days taking care of me, which is nice (but also what i'd expect from a decent GF so im not offering her extra points for it - i'd do the same for her as a matter of course).

So here's the kicker.

last night after dinner we were in bed (trying to keep some distance as i dont want to make her sick). Watching a film on my laptop, and suddenly i felt really crap and tired. so i just turned over and laid down and shut my eyes whlie the film continued to play.

After about 3 minutes, i heard her making keyboard noises. I figured she was googling something. But then i thought why wouldn't she use her phone for that. So i quickly turned over and she was going through my whatsapp chats (keyboard i dont know what she was doing) but yeah just scrolling. She quickly clicked off whatsapp when she realised i saw

I said what are you going through my whatsapp for - and she immediately apologised. Im like yeah, but why. I stayed calm throughtout this cos im sick and literally have 0 energy. I was more just surprised and dissapointed.

her reasons:

-i was suspicious that you were interested in the girls who text you or that they are your ex gf
-ive been cheated on in the past and i saw him text other girls and get tinder messages from girls
-brings up some rape story from the same guy (not sure how it's relevant)

i said to her, even if that was true, you can't go through my stuff. we should sit and talk about it like adults. OFC she had nothing to say to this. just that she was sorry. I then asked her how would she feel if she caught me going through her stuff and what would she do. she ofc said she'd feel bad. she said there was no excuse for what she did (despite making excuses).

i also said that even if you have had issues with guys in the past cheating on you, you can't bring that into new relationships. that isn't my fault or problem. and this distrust and suspicion is gonna cause issues.

I then asked her can you show me your phone please. she immediately handed it to me, but i waved it away. I said i didn't actually want to see it, was just interested to know if you'd show me. i reinstated that some things are people's private space and you can't go through them without their consent. Phones are one of them.

then she tells me the loves me (first time). I'm like wtf, this is a really bad time to say this. I didn't say it back.
i say how can you tell me you love me if you just did this. shes like yeah i know it doesn't make sense but bla blah blah.

Anyway - i tell her we will talk about it when im well again because i dont have energy. But I am disappointed.

this was made 10x worse in my mind btw, that she did this when i was sick.

she's currrently texting me like normal but i really dont wanna talk to her atm.
What should I do?

This is probably going to be a recurring theme with her. Not to mention that bringing up the rape story and saying "I love you" at such a weird time seem clearly to be manipulation. I wouldn't say it's necessarily a basis for breaking up with her right away if she learned her lesson, but if this suspicion comes up again, I would likely assume it's never going to stop.

Tell her straight up, that her behavior is completely unacceptable. If she wants answers, communicate with you, don't be a sneak.

It's her one and only chance. Second, PUT A PASSCODE ON YOUR PHONE.

1) i did that
2) read the thread. it was on my laptop. i was on whatsapp web. there's no passocode there

No matter what happens, do not let her see your MISC account...

i always used to hide it from my EX srs

she always asked me 'what website do you keep typing on' and i was like dont worry its too hard to explain

she got really sus srs

I think you handled it great and it seems like she understood she made the mistake and not you and it's up to her to work on these issues.

I'd say those are yellow flags, not red flags.

But the clinginess/trust issues probably go hand in hand and if you need a bit of space, she may need the help of a therapist to work through things and adapt to more healthy patterns (up to you if you want to bring this up and/or offer to go with her).
I also think it's not cool (and a further sign she needs to work on herself) that she told you she loved you for the first time as a way to attempt to win your affection after breaking your trust.

I mean it is red-flagish, but it's not something IMO you immediately break up for. With women like this you have to be very direct with your communication and you have to you have to squeeze it out of them to be direct with you. Because they will say one thing like it's fine but if you question them further, all of the sudden it becomes totally different. It's almost like talking to a child at times. You have to explain things very clearly and directly so that they understand.

Seems like she just has a lot of baggage and just sucks at communicating with you. Which could spell trouble in the future. She doesn't seem like a bad person from what you described, just insecure and immature. Maybe it's a front for psychopathic tendencies, but again, you would probably know more than any of us. You don't have to be mean to her or anything but just let her know it's not something you appreciate and it's a problem going forward. Maybe also take the time to ask her about any other problems. The clingy and i love you stuff could be an issue too.

oh look, its the guy who hates on me in every post!

still not happy with your life i see?

genuinely satisfied i managed to waste a solid 5min or more of your life by you reading my post and trying coming up with a spiteful answer.

bro, i get more female attention than your fat ugly ass has ever got, i can almost guarantee.

also pro tip - if your life is great, you dont spend it hating on others.

Fact.agree with your points

i dont think she's ready for therapy yet, theres so much work she could do herself which she hasn't yet done and plus, im really not invested enough to be going to therapy with this girl. it's only been a few months. i dont really have to deal with that stuff nor do i have the time.

her saying i love you at that time was really bad - i agree. very manipulative behaviour. But I've had other GFs do the same before so i spotted it straight away and called her out on it.agree, i think the clinginess might be an issue i have to address.
i think she is a good person and i want her to improve her life and help her where i can,

but i need to balance that off the fact that ive only known her for a short time, and how much do i really want to invest here.
i could just find another girl who doesn't have these issues.

i'll repeat, as you can't read:

if your life is great, you dont spend it hating on others.

Fact.

based on experience and the stories of friends and just life in general..............if somebody's checking on your stuff it's because they're up to no good themselves.

her coming up with 45 reasons why she did it only furthers my skepticism. tread lightly OP.

Her saying I love you and telling you she was raped in the past in reply to you saying she shouldn't be going through your phone are huge red flags. Has she had therapy for the rape? I'd proceed with extreme caution with her due to that alone.

Also, if you're paying for this trip after only being together 3 months that's a big mistake.

i'll repeat, as you can't read:

if your life is great, you dont spend it hating on others.

Fact.

yes this could be true, but based on what idoknow of her, i dont think she's cheating or seeing other guys

she tells me her entire schedule and wants to spend all of it with me. i have to say no to her on occasion cos its overwhelming.there's benefits of a relationship. im sure i dont need to spell em out to you

A ONS wouldn't come over and cook for example. or if she did, she wouldn't just be a ONS.

and what iwantis for a girl im dating to not look through my sh*t when im turned away, or to profess her love to me after i catch her doing itagreed for sure it was a red flag. arguably as big as the fact she did it to begin with.

im not paying for the trip. we are splitting it

lold hard

hide misc from sloots crew

Read the red flags, no need to read the rest. This girl does not have the blueprint to be a good GF. Dump.

I think it's understandable if you behaved in such a way that caused her to be suspicious

I personally don't see it as a red flag as long as you both work on trust and not have bring any toxicity into the relationship going forward

Every girl I've ever met attempts to go through my things looking for something.

I despise this behavior because I don't do negative things and it is a violation of my honor.

However, many women are sexist and think they can do anything to a guy, they are in charge, can spy on them, etc but if you did the same, you'd be a stalker, or whatever. It's important to know that women are basically children that never develop into adults, so if you like her, you must train her to fear violating and insulting you, so you need to start intense arguments about her spying on you.

If not, you are her bitch.

It sounds harsh, but for her own good, she needs to learn how to act like an adult and not your mommy because you don't need a mommy.

If you don't like her that much, she needs to go.

Having to train a woman you don't care a lot about to respect you is too much work.

tell her to prove her trust to you she needs to let you go to thailand by yourself instead of together.

then whoremax and bang 20 different sloots.

then tell her you mostly chilled at the hotel all day

just keep your phone underneath a copy of your chittty amazon book. no one will ever want to look through that

You never read the book, or probably any other book, right ****git?

Have you ever done anything of value in your life?

You look super fat too and can't be into lifting, so why are you here?

First and last chance Fk that ****, she also sounds manipulative as fk. “Why are you looking through my phone”
“I was raped”

Wife has my phones passwords etc I have her phone passwords iv never checked her **** she’s never checked mine. She will never trust you and this is your life now if you stay together. Enjoy Thailand etc but if she does This again get rid.

Or just enjoy Thailand then ditch her, plenty of women you can have without dealing with this ****

Just based on what you said OP, I foresee you running into annoying trouble like this with that girl every couple months. Good luck mane

Moronically retarded.

Your book sucks, why would I read it....

So, you didn't read it.

Can't you come up with something smarter than that you stupid bitch?

I mean do some thinking.

if you actually want to be in a long-term relationship i dont think its a big deal. This has certainly greenlighted to look at her phone anytime you want. I Think couples should have nothing to hide from one another. If you are dating this girl with the intent of marrying her then i think all doors should be open. Honestly you getting upset with her for looking at your chats is a red flag.

Not that big of a deal imo

But I just fell for a girl who we acted like a couple but turns out she wanted nothing serious or exclusive and prob wants to date others

I would view her looking thru my phone as just a sign of interest , but mine is locked anyway

But then again I'm recently jaded due to said girl as I would welcome some sign she wanted to be exclusive but never got it...and we dated a year so far :/

In my opinion dont break up with her, it seems that she got trust issues and had a moment of weakness.

Talk to her and set some boundaries, ask her to explain herself, trust needs to be build over time but it is not your business to fix something that some other dude did to her, she has to do it by herself. You as a man can only treat her right so she understands that you are a person that is worth trusting.

If she is sorry I would say move on, but make her clear that if it is happening again you will break up with her because you dont want a partner that is not trusting you.

As an extra she could just ask to look into each others phones?

This. Tell her trust makes or breaks a relationship. Snooping is bad for either side and if she has questions then she should ask. Tell her if it happens again the relationship is done.