ultra cliffs becuase the full story is pages long

before someone says dear diary - what i wanna know/understand from this is

a) why someone would do this
b) is this insane behavior or am i the crazy one/did i really wrong her that bad
c) what should i do now

any specific questions i can answer to give a better picture. ive omitted a lot of detail cos it'd be too long

CLIFFS

-gf of 10 months, now ex
-she works at same company as me, but is intending to leave (i.e. she has nothing to lose)
-we broke up last month because we argued all the time.
- she is incredibly insecure, jealous, controlling
-she wasn't willing to change and rather than accept this was her fault - she blamed her behavior on my actions which apparently caused her to be this way
-as mentioned this lead to repeated arguments about the same thing, we went round in circles all the time and it was incredibly draining
-she didn't trust me at all, went through my phone etc, accused me of cheating on her multiple times
-we decided to go on a break for 1 month to see how it goes
-after 2 weeks she starts blowing up my phone drunk, asking to talk - i say text if you want but i dont want to get drawn into another argument on the phone.
-she tries a few more times to meet up with me and get back but i dont give in cos i believe nothing has changed
-with that said, i said i care about her regardless and wish the best for her but i just cant do this right now
-eventually she says she needs to come over and use my printer to print something asap, as she doesn't have one
-she comes over, a bit awk at first but she warms up and we fuk
-after that given we somewhat rekindled a connection i try and hash out a few things that bothered me with her
-she seems fairly non chalant about it saying why does it matter we aren't together now blah blah,
-more insinuations that evening from her about how she wants to meet me but nothing direct, i dont agree to meet
-i do the same thing the next day trying to hash out the past (probably a mistake

then i get a message from her which is totally out of her writing style, i.e. obviously isn't written by her, telling me (paraphrasing)

-i dont want to talk about our relationship as its a waste of my time and energy
-you arent my boyfriend anymore and never will be
-im happy being single and to leave her alone

i ofc think wtf and call her a few times to no answer

her friend from another number then sends me a message threatening to get me fired by saying im harassing her friend (my ex)
somethig along the lines of

'are you going to stop harassing x or do i need to report you to [company] for harassment

friend doesn't work in the company, but did previously so maybe has some connection.
question is why didn't GF herself tell me this - by text or voice

she has never until this weird fabricated message told me to not speak to her, never blocked me from anywhere, was only up until a couple weeks back begging me to get back with her or at least for us to talk again

i obviously feel very sad, confused, and betrayed (and i told my ex that, she didn't reply).

not really sure how to play it - im sure she doesn't have a case against me as i never harassed her - but also why would someone do this?

did she feel rejected i didn't try and get her back? i reactivated my online dating accounts at a similar time, maybe a friend of hers saw me on there and shared it with her?
i honestly never in my wildest dreams thought that someone who i had sex with less than a week ago, would stop speaking to me and ask their friend to threaten my career. its horrific

i admit that me giving her grief about her past mistakes in our relationship wasn't very productive - but thats it ..
she could have just said just that - this isn't productive, i dont want to talk about this anymore

but she went nuclear and completely cut me out forever, and totally blew up my opinion of her

She is just being manipulative and trying to "win" the breakup by leaving you confused (in regards to the relationship) and worried (that this will affect your job). She needs the validation of having power and being the last one to break it off.

You don't need to defend your actions trying to prove it wasn't harassment to her or her friends. Just feel good about seeing this vengeful and irrational side of her knowing you aren't getting further involved with someone who would treat you like this.
I don't think it's necessary to inform your work of anything as a precursor at this point.
Either go NC (block and delete), or send one last message letting her know you think it's best you guys no longer talk so you can both move on and you're going to block and delete her number/socials but that you hold no hard feelings and wish her the best.

At this point, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Just wash your hands of the whole thing and agree and wish her well. Lessons learned.

thanks for the replies.

After this all happened, when it was clear she wasnt going to reply to my messages asking her what the hell she is doing etc, i decided to delete her on instagram and ********. i didnt block her just unfriended her. i wanted to show her that i couldn't tolerate this level of hurt and disrespect from her.

however i never blocked her on whatsapp - for 2 reasons

1) I wanted to at least see if she decided to apologise to me, or even reply at all to what i said
2) if she went through with this harassment accusation BS, i wanted to have all evidence possible of her interacting with me, so i could defend it

anyway, she never replied to me (3 days on now) - and whats more, she yesterday blocked me on whatsapp

i didn't try and message her, but her picture and online time is gone. so unless she is meddling with privacy settings she blocked me

Its as if giving me this crazy, excessive outburst wasnt enough and saying all that hurtful stuff was not sufficient.
i never messaged her again since that day, so no need to block me - but she wanted to really stick the knife in i guess.

anyways, ive been considering sending her one (final) message - on instagram where she hasn't blocked me.

the purpose of this message isn't to get her back - i wouldn't go back with her after what she did.

but the purpose of the message would be to really give myself the ultimate closure and get stuff out of my chest.

i want to:

-point out how irrational and confusing what she did was, how hurtful it was and how i felt very betrayed by someone i loved.

-tell her i can't think of what i did that could cause her to react that way
(honestly speaking, we werent even together at this time, but if i slept with a few girls and rubbed it in her face and bragged about it, or i dont know, sent her a video of me burning a photo of us or something equally hurtful - i could totally get why she'd say this stuff - thats the level id put it at)

-tell her this will be my last message to her unless she replies with something meaningful
-telll her unless she can clear the air between us i will always see her in a very negative way and i really dont want that

honestly speaking i see all my exes in a mostly positive light. i truly believe they are good people at their core, we argued etc but i know we had really good times and they made me a better person and vice versa.

And up until this happened, i actually saw this girl in a very positive light.
you'll laugh, but i even told her quite a few times that i think shes a good person, a kind person who i can trust etc.

we had a lot of arguments as i said in the OP. yes she was controlling, jealous, insecure etc.
but she was that and also a good person, she just had issues she hadn't worked on and i forgave her for that. i couldn't tolerate the constant fighting between us, but i knew that she has her stuff she needs to work on and that doesn't make her a bad person.

and thats whats messing with me the most - i really though i knew her, what she was and wasn't capable of. and she goes and just does such a fukked up thing

and it isn't simply the fact she's willing to walk away from me, its the fact she did it in such a spontaneous (given we were talking recently and slept together just a week ago, we were obviously not together at this time) brutal and conniving way and immediately went no contact afterwards.

maybe she truly doesn't care if i hate her?

would it be immensely stupid to send her one last message?

stop contacting her in any and all capacities.

You'll need to keep getting all your thoughts out in the coming days so write them down but do not send anything.

She blocked you again as a power move.

Her actions tell you all you need to know. She either is as crummy a person as her latest actions suggest or she doesn't care enough to end things maturely.
Or maybe she wants to end on a negative note as she is not capable of ending the cycle otherwise.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter. You don't need any exes in your life, good or bad. & closure won't come from a final convo, it will come from time and reflection and just letting go.

Another boyo falling for a BPD. You got off easy, be grateful you don't need therapy like most. Run

I was doing some more research on the problems which I faced with her. Its occupying my mind a lot how it ended so I was trying to find answers

I don't think she has NPD brcsuse she never really had a big ego. She didn't feel (in my experience at least) that she was better than other people. She expected me as her BF to treat her like a princess (she told me this) but never said she deserved better than others.

I don't think she had BPD because in the time we were together, although she used to start arguments about other girls, she always seemed to be super into me - even when she was angry. She wouldn't go from loving me to hating me. That only happened right now.

So I concluded she basically has severe issues which were caused by her absent father (and crappy mother, who from what she tells me (which could be total BS idk)) definitely does have NPD.

When I researched symptoms of 'daddy issues' in girls, there was one site which listed like 20 and she ticked off almost all of them. So I think that's the problem.

On the one hand, it's sad because something like this could be fixed with therapy and effort on her part. NPD and BPD is much harder to treat. But she wasn't prepared to accept she caused the problems and was happy to blame it on me. The lack of attention I gave her as time passed was due to me feeling smothered as she got super clingy. And she always tested my boundaries in respect of privacy, I.e. not answering calls when I'm busy, not giving her access to my phone etc - which to her, justified her suspicion and thus didn't trust me

As an aside,

Just found this link which quite accurately describes her insecurities and how she shifted the blame for them to me

Might be useful for others going through the same

https://www.nicolamethodforhighconfl...ip-insecurity/

Also, many many butthurt women in the comments below - probably those who were looking to justify their insecurities and blame their husband. Go figure

Did not read a single word.

not only that, but stop dating low quality mentally ill women.
look, they are all crazy, but you can usually tell if they are batchit cray cray after a short time and a woman who is looking to ruin your career should of thrown a chit load of red flags.

you dun goofed and thought with the wrong head opie.
cease all contact.

however it sounds like you won't.
so i suggest, monster.com.

just had a girl over to my place and turned her down for sex when she tried to initiate

ive never experienced this before srs i feel like a fukkin idiot

i told her cos it was only recently i broke up with my ex. which was probs the worst thing i could say cos she's just gonna feel like a rebound nothing more.

im so pi*sed at myself for having this attachment w my ex even though i dont wanna be with her anymore

whats worse is that my ex messaged this chick a week or so back (she was stalking my IG followers, even tho we aren't speaking, ya srs) and my ex messaged the girl asking if we are dating. and she covered for me saying nah she doesn't know me etc (i told her it was my crazy ex)

so im praying like sh*t that she doesn't get mad and tell some BS to my ex cos shes mad at me for turning her down..

she looked like she was gonna kill me.

Usually going down the rabbit hole of "why did they do what they did" isn't beneficial but given your knowledge of her upbringing it sounds like it was to you.

I'm sure it explains why her actions were so disrespectful and inconsistent at the end.

Who knows if it was all self-sabotage/couldn't handle a deep emotional attachment or just lacked the courage and integrity to split peacefully and preferred to villainize you in order to move on.

it explains most of her actions throughout .. the insecurity/clinginess/jealousy etc. it was just her trying to re-enact her experience with her absent father.

but now here i am turning down girls who want to fukk me at my place. wtf am i doing

It's called growth my man. Embrace it.

If you're on the same page about it being no strings attached and you're single, there's ntn wrong with it.
But if you're not feeling it because you think it might interfere with whatever it is you need to process/work on/etc then keep saying no thnx.

she was most def down for something casual ..
but something in my mind just wasn't that into it

she asked why and i just said 'cos everything with my ex is such a mindfuk right now' and she goes 'so youre not over her? does it feel like youre cheating on her?' and i start explaining that no i am over her .. and i find you really attractive etc but it just moved super fast. she gets p*ssed and leaves.

ii feel even worse for not doing it now. definitely screwed that chance up.

why would she get so p*ssed .. ive been turned down so many times and it was the 1st date FFS. all i was expecting was to kiss her and then she starts stripping

Sounds like you didn't miss out on anything.

Don't overthink it or dwell on it. You weren't feeling it in that moment so let it go.

I hope she doesn't message my ex in a fit of rage

As I posted above.. my ex messaged her a week ago cos she stalked my ig followers so this girl has her ig

Maybe she's gonna get so upset I turned her down she will tell her that she met me or something

Dude firstly this didn't happen until right now at the end. Its not like she did this from the 3rd date

Secondly it was her friend who actually threatened to ruin my career

But point is, she didn't stop her friend or say anything to me about how it was fukked up or sorry etc so it may as well have been her

ok.
so title of thread is different from what happened.
just lol.

She threatened by proxy
I see them as the same. I don't know her mate, I know her. She is indirectly responsible for whatever her mate says

Plus her mate only hates me cos of her talking sh*t about me. She would have okay'd her mate to theaten me.

Additionally, she probs colluded with her mate to not threaten me directly cos that is probably grounds for her to get fired

The actual op contains all the info

Drop all contact, permanently.
Avoid her at work.

There is no such thing as "closure," not any that'll make you feel better. Anything past this point will just put an extension on your suffering and emotional turmoil.
Rip off the band-aid.

1. Who cares. Be done with both of them.

2. Block your ex if you haven't already. She won't talk to you but stalks your IG and messages new followers wtf?!?!

3. See #1.

i know you're right. and if a friend of mine was in my position i'd say the same. just hard when its happening to you
yeah #2 is absolutely insane, i know

i removed her as an IG follower now so she can't see them anymore

feels so weird she's probably gonna be out fukking other guys to get validation, and will repeat the same cycle with them

quite sickening

after one of the previous posters mentioned about BPD (id never considered she might have that) im starting to think she might be. Or at least have many of the traits rather that not qualify for a full diagnosis

the main differences I can sense to make me think she doesnt, are that she never tried to get me back after breaking up. She texted for a few weeks when we were 'on a break' (and i told her we are on a break, why are we talking), that was the leadup to what happened in the OP. after that whole mess, she blocked me and didn't reach out. I'd expect someone with BPD to keep trying to win me back, even if only to discard me again.

also, she never threatened to harm herself if i left etc.

but the other traits she pretty much totally ticks off

It's because 80% of these women have some sort of Cluster b disorder thanks to social media

Saw her yesterday at work

Said let's talk so we sat down

-she way she looked and talked to me was totally soulless, just an empty vacuum full of hatred. Never seen anything quite like it. I thought if we met in person it would be different but it wasn't

-still couldn't apologise for anything and convinced I'm the one who hurt her and screwed up

-made some small talk with the soulless vacuum for a while.

-she says she's surprised I want anything to do with her after what happened re. Her friend and the harassment thing (well yeah, that's true). But lol at her even admitting this. I just said I care and I hoped we could be on better terms. Seemed she had 0 interest in this.

-suddenly she tells me that the other day some guy hit on her, asks for her number and she gave it to him (lol). Proceeds to tell me she has no trust issues with him (has met him once). He asked her for dinner but hasn't decided if she will go. I was like ok cool thats your choice. I told her I wasn't dating other people until i knew what she felt but now i would. She then made it sound like I pushed her to get with other people when she broke it off and stopped talking to me. She was like 'what should I do' when I asked why you gave your number

-After she didn't get the rise she wanted, she ups the ante and said she's pregnant. Lmfao. I said show me the positive test/do one in my presence. Says why do you care etc you don't want to be a dad yet anyway. Then she says 'maybe it's not yours' and I say so you cheated on me ? To which she says no. Lol

That's pretty much how it went. She suddenly decides to leave and says we can talk on the phone.

Brb giving your no. To guys and telling me about it to make me feel like crap

Brb AT THE SAME TIME telling me you're pregnant (with my kid?) Just lmao

I'm so done. Insane behaviour
Needless to say she hasn't called and most probably won't.

The whole interaction was clearly geared at hurting me and baiting me into losing my temper. I felt nothing but pure hatred from her srs.

Having done some more research I believe she does in fact have BPD. Which means she probably also cheated on me at some point toward the end as that's a common behaviour. Most probably when I asked her for space so she pre-emptively did it.

Also, the way she looked yesterday/acted toward me was as if she had fukked at least 1 guy in the past few days. She just had this absolutely soulless look about her

She still wouldn't say whether she cared about me or hated me when I asked but her behaviour is the best ill get

Lmao @ this betas fuking novel in here


Over a bitch he dated for less than a year. Pathetic.

how do i be cool like you man, tell me

Jesus dude, how many times do folks have to tell you to go strict “no contact”?

You obviously want the drama with her as a way of staying connected to her.

Then you decide to do this while at work, after already being put on notice she is willing to threaten your career? Giving her a clear cut instance where she can go to HR and say are harassing / intimidating her at work?

You are showing just as much emotional / mental issues as she is.

Be an effing adult, stop any and all forms of contact with her, and move TF on.