Help me rewrite our laws for 2021

Here's what I'm thinking:

Home burglary = involuntary home remodeling
Carjacking = your car needed an alignment
Slinging dope on the street = unlicensed pharmacist
Random assault = chiropractor in training
Shoplifting = undocumented secret shopper
Arsonist = grand candlesmithing

See, when you're willing to put your biases aside, you realize the people we've been putting in jail for all these years are actually civil servants. We should be awarding them a salary for doing these unwavering contributions to society.
Best lifts:
Bench press: 315x5
Squat: 465x1
Strict press: 205x5
Deadlift: 405x13 (conv tap'n'go with straps)