TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

This is gonna be a bit long, sorry for that.

I(23F) met E (23M) in the sixth grade when we were both 11 years old, we started dating when we were 14 and never stopped.

E's family practically adopted me when my parents died when I was 17. I considered his family as my own, they helped me so much since my parents died, they let me move in with them, they paid for my college and rent (I live with E and they pay our rent).

E is tall (6' 3), absolutely gorgeous, easygoing, funny, really smart (he's in med school), me on the other hand I'm pretty common.

Earlier this year in February, I started spending more time with my friends and as a result, I wasn't spending much time with him, this started our biggest argument so far,he argued that I was prioritizing my friends (male friends specifically) He tried to make me cut one of my closest friends that he didn't like it,I wasn't gonna do that and we ended screaming at each other.

I was supposed to go to a party with my friends that night, he asked me not to go there because my friend was going to be there I told him no. We started to argue he screamed at me and I left.

I am gonna try to make this short and not graphic. I met with three of my ''friends'' there, drank more than I should, got really drunk, went to lay down in one of the rooms, fell asleep, and woke up with my three ''friends'' raping me,I was able to scream and one girl who was in the bathroom heard me up and came to help me.

I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD. I started having panic attacks. E was my hero, he cooked for me, made sure that I was eating, made sure that I was taking my meds, drove me to my therapist and psychiatrist appointments, he is the only person who makes me feel safe.

Our sex life was pretty good before the incident, we lost our virginities to each other when we were 16 and we were each other's firsts and only in everything (even kissing), he has an insane high libido (for him we could have sex 7 times a day and he could keep up for hours) but we normally did once or twice a day and I always blew him at least once a day.

After the ''thing'', he never mentioned or tried to initiate sex or any type of thing like that. I started to feel comfortable with kissing him around the end of August but he only gave me short pecks, these days when I tried to give him a more ''elaborate'' kiss he pulls away.

In the middle of September, I was finally feeling good enough with myself to have sex again, but Every time that I tried to initiate sex he always gave me an excuse, he was not in the mood, he was tired, he was busy, etc.

My twisted mind thought he was cheating on me, so I snooped through his phone and he wasn't cheating on me but I find out something that I honestly don't know if is better or worst than cheating, he was talking to his older brother about us, the ''main'' facts that I discovered were this:

''that every time I tried to initiate sex the only thing he is able to think is the other three guys being inside me and how wrong the thought of other guys being inside of me made him feel sick''

''that how our special thing for us was lost'' (we lost our virginities to each other and never had sex with anyone else, he used to say that in the future he will brag to our future grandchildren about how in ''the age of hookups'' we only had sex with each other)

''that before ''the incident'' he bought a ring and was going to propose to me but he feels like he started to see me more like one of his sisters and that the lust that he had for me now feels like fraternal love ''

''his brother responded that he had to ''suck it up'' and stay with me at least until I get ''totally healed''. E said to him that he wasn't sure if I was going to heal completely.

I read all these things last night Reddit and I really don't know what to do. The thought of not being with him makes me feel terrified, we were supposed to grow old together, he had our whole life planned already, we even discussed baby names, he is absolutely perfect and I don't want to lose him.I have a therapy appointment next Monday but I don't think I'm able to keep this to myself until then.

I'm really desperate here, any advice is really appreciated.