Dated a girl for almost 2 years. Met when I was 30 and she was 27. She checks all the boxes & my friends liked her for me a lot. After about 8 months I figured we should start meeting the fam. She had never introduced a guy to her parents before (Shia Muslim who came here from Tanzania but they seem pretty Westernized). I'm white, divorced, with a kid. They were pretty concerned after hearing about my situation and she second guessed taking that step. I was in no rush so I said all good give it more time.

While I was never actively looking for anything serious, I saw enough in her that I was definitely thinking I'd be open to marriage + kids with her (which she wants under the right circumstances).
After another 8 months and a few more conversations about us, she was still hesitant to move forward due to the fact I had a kid and all the other obstacles that presented themselves w/ getting serious. I basically stopped communicating at that point and accepted we were likely over but then COVID hit and we stayed together another few months (prob out of convenience of having someone during that time).

We broke up in August because I just said there was no point staying together anymore as it wasn't moving forward (and not doing so in a reasonable time frame definitely made me feel less inclined to envision another marriage + kids in my future). I had a rebound fling that started pretty quickly after this ended. I'd definitely hit my stride with women confidence-wise a few years ago so this fling confirmed I still had "it" and could have a lot of fun if I stayed single. Of course my ex started contacting me about a month after we broke up wanting to talk again, to which I declined, but finally gave in after about 2.5months (I ended it with the rebound once I agreed to talk to my ex again).

We've hungout and talked a few times since then and (predictably) she regrets not moving forward and now wants to try and get serious. I missed her and enjoy hanging out with her again but I'm definitely not where I was in terms of wanting to move forward and seeing marriage + kids in my future (& feel a bit rushed being she turns 30 next year). I also think having a fling right after we broke up didn't allow me to clear my head and do some thinking the way she did as I was just distracting myself by seeing someone else instead. Not sure if the best way to see if there's still a future there is to keep hanging out and see if those thoughts/feelings come back for me or if this is something that will be figured out better by breaking up and going NC to clear my head?

Any thoughts or stories to share from similar situations would be awesome.
Thanks.

I'm not really sure what the question is here, but personally yeah every ex has broken up with me bc they didn't think I would marry them and progress it towards moving in together and building a life and family and marrying them. At every single age from my 20s to now my mid 30s. Sad thing is that if they would have all just chilled out and let me do as I please, one of them would have gotten everything they ever wanted. Instead I'm total strangers with all of them now. It's sad but it is how it is. Sometimes goals at that particular moment vs shared goals just don't match. That's life I guess

I also believe attraction and emotions between exes that you dated or knew for years never goes. I see no way you can't either be filled with respect and happiness for one another and truly love and wish them the best, or have complete and disappointment and hatred for them. Being completely emotionless to an ex seems illogical. Plus physical attraction will always be there unless one of you totally lets yourself go. I personally go the wish the best route, but that's just me and most of my exes were sort of a friend for a while anyways before I dated them so I would never hate them despite all the nonsense they did to me.

You sound like you still care for this ex like I'm basically describing above which is completely normal, but also seem to realize that there's plenty of other women out there that you haven't broken up with and wouldn't have to spend trying to repair a broken relationship with. Of course you'll always have feelings to a degree, but you'll always have that breakup on your mind if you get back together and feel that you're working to fix a broken relationship vs just being in one where all this drama hasn't been created. Life is too short to try and salvage something that you already left by your own will because you knew it wasn't right, and now you don't even feel it anymore anyways. Seems dumb to go out with an ex that you have negative enough emotions about vs somebody new who there's nothing but the potential of positive emotions.

All of my exes have came back and we got back together and not a single one of them worked out. The same problems on my end or her end still existed bc I'm stubborn as hell for one, and I know what I expect out of a potential wife for two. Every single time I felt like I was walking on egg shells trying not to screw up my next chance and their level of respect for me was never the same at that point which made it impossible to make it work if you have any respect for yourself as a man. It always sucked and I would have been better served focusing on myself and personal growth or somebody new when the time was right. Nobody who is meant to be your wife would ever let you go, nor would you let them go. That stupid line of "let them go and if they come back they were always yours and it's meant to be" is some of the biggest fairytale bs that some beta or woman wrote.

Solid post. Thanks.

I tried to ask a question ie "should I give it more time to see if feelings come back or let it go" but I was probably more so looking for other people's personal experiences such as your response.

I genuinely felt excited at the thought of taking steps forward with her (& hopefully building a future together) for over a year and it never happened due to her hesitancy. I think part of the problem was she never saw it as any harm to just go for one drink with someone who has a kid, nor did she think things through re if she'd actually date someone with a kid at that time and over time she wanted to be okay with it because she ended up falling for me but then it took losing me to be more open and accepting to that (& I don't really want to be anyone's exception if they have major concerns over my situation).

I can totally relate. My experience is obviously not everybody's but my last ex of 2 years and I had pretty naturally amazing chemistry. The type that you just don't find in every gf. We were friends for a year at work before dating. We broke up at the time bc she was 31 and wanted to get married and have kids and didn't see a future with me doing that bc I didn't live with her or on my own and thought my family didn't like her. Basically using a bunch of excuses to monkey branch without a guilty conscience. She crawled back 3 months later and I was so excited and happy to have her back and fix things that I honestly didn't even do. She was fine for a month and all genuinely sorry, in love, had made the biggest mistake of her life, wanted to marry me, blah blah "had cried every night for months without me" (meanwhile had been insta dating a new guy.) Fast forward to our first vacation to Miami since being back together and she drunk trashes my parents in front of hers to the point her own family takes my side. Does the same again a month later on another trip I took her on for her bday in front of complete strangers. Spits at me. Always sorry but this is a chick that was filled with almost zero respect at that point. We lasted for about another 9 months before her crazy breakup ending that you can read my post history on. Nothing I did was good enough during that 9 months. We went on about 5 trips, I met her grandma who loved me, was at her family events, invited her to my family, took her out for fun all the time, but her mindset just went to pure hatred when I told her I wasn't getting an apartment for us (lol after her spitting at me and trashing my family and owing me $1500 she somehow thought I could trust living with her). As you can see by my story goals not aligning at the particular moment in life when it's important to one party is hard to overcome.

The point is that the girl described above was never the girl that I first met on day 1 who was so nice, and so sweet, and I thought was genuine and kind and faithful wife material. Her level of respect only got worse and women are naturally vindictive creatures, so yeah breaking up with one of them on your own and trying to fix it will probably suck pretty hard.

Pics ?

I think you have plenty of options and they're all lined up for you. You just gotta choose. I think everything is fine tbh and going in your favor. Just make sure to consider these:
-what is the likelihood you'll meet someone like her again?
-why did she want to reestablish contact with you? like really, why? just missing you is not good enough, does she actually consider a future now maybe?
-how long are you willing to wait.

I think you still have plenty of time tbh. She doesn't seem like she has any core values or work-related issues preventing a successful/happy marriage and future. She's 30, but you can make a plan for when she's 32. It almost reminds me of my situation, but my ex is 32 now, and we can't even reconcile our core values/work-life balance within the next year so we had to break up. But you two still have time. I really didn't want to break up because the year we spent together was very valuable, the memories and feelings we had together would make a perfect fairytale, but just without the ending. How about you and your past 2 yrs with her? Would the memories and feelings amount to a perfect marriage ending? stuff you could look back on and be proud that's how you met and dated your wife? Or was it just normal relationship kind of stuff, nothing special?

I'd say - if you see potential in her and the rebound didn't fk with your mind too much, then you should try again. Make sure those first 3 conditions are satisfied. If you find that the rebound really affected you (which also seems to be the case), then it's not going to work out and it cancels out those 3 conditions. If she asks why, tell her you don't feel the same way. If she insists on trying anyway, then tell her why you don't feel the same way (the reason being - you rebounded). She won't hate you for it, but she'll be hurt and come to the same realization that it's not going to work out. If it doesn't work out, I wouldn't feel too bad, what happened already happened and you didn't rebound maliciously, it was just the natural thing to do.

I think you need to ask yourself if you still love and care for her. She ticks all your boxes like you said so hopefully we don’t see a post in 3 months of you regretting not trying again and she’s now with someone new.

You give a lot of good advice to people on this site with a balanced approach so you should know nothing is ever black and white. See her again, what do you actually have to lose here? If things don’t come back or progress at all in the next few weeks it will make your dilemma easy.

Thanks for sharing. Not worried about this one being someone completely different if things progress. I think/hope if I get into that type of situation I would just end things at that point. Kind of dealt with that w/ my son's mother.The lack of moving forward when I wanted to (she bruised my ego with her hesitancy) combined with warming up to the thought of being single has made me question if I want to move forward towards a serious relationship with her.
Between my son, friends, family, etc (just bought a house a few months ago) I'm very aware that my life is extremely fulfilling and i don't need a relationship by any means.
That being said she's great. I have nothing but good thoughts towards her and the physical attraction is still there.
I don't expect to find someone like her if things don't work out but I'm okay with that as I wouldn't be actively looking to replace her.Thanks. Yes I think I will at least see her a few more times and see how I feel. Bringing in the thought of the whole 9 yards (marriage + kids) is just a bit overwhelming after I was trying to move on and I'm resentful she didn't want to take steps forward when I did.
Definitely don't want to be the type of person to lead someone on and waste their time but a few more weeks or w/e is nothing in the grand scheme of things I suppose.

How old is your son anyway? your life may be fulfilling, but kids grow up best with 2 parents, so I would still consider being in a relationship. Altogether, it seems more so that regarding relationships, it's not the case that you don't want to be with her, it's that you don't want to be with anybody. You kinda tasted that single life and miss it a bit. I would continue seeing her then (exclusive, but less often?), because it's not a prob with her, and you just need to get back into the 'want to be in a relationship' mindset. See her less often (maybe on the weekends only) so that you have more breaks in between to heal your desire for relationship.
since you're going to see her again, I suggest not telling her too much about your own doubts [yet] to avoid casting doubts on her because then she'd hold back and it would be harder to be able to reach your prev state with her anymore.

My son is 4.
I have him every 2nd weekend and a few additional hours once or twice a week during the evening. Ex in question is not his mother.

We honestly only ever saw each other once or twice a week and never met each others families so we're basically back to normal other than communicating far less by phone.

We've already been pretty open about everything so she knows I'm simply not where I was when I was gung-ho to move forward and it's just a matter of seeing if I'm going to/want to get back there with her (and when to cut our losses and move on if it seems unlikely).

oh ok, well I guess there's no problems then. I guess now it just comes down to if you feel like you're wasting time with her. If not, then do whatever.

She's hesitant to let you meet her family because they will most likely hate you. That issue won't go away.

Don't think they pictured their daughter getting serious with a guy who is divorced with a kid.

Otherwise I'm extremely confident any parents would like me.

Her bro likes me and we get along well.

Your scenario seems a little hard to generalize since they sound to be extremist Islam and I can't really speak on how those relationships go vs typical western relationships.

I will use my recent ex as an example though. She was black and I'm white from the south. She is dying to get married and have kids and when we first started dating rushed to meet my mom asap which lead to me breaking it off not to hurt her and waste her time. She viewed that as my mom somehow being a racist old white lady that didn't want her son with a black girl which was dumb as hell. Anyways all of her bad actions as a general woman after her and I getting back together after that lead to my mom and dad basically telling me marriage is hard and the red flags with her would only make it worse. We're talking *******, violence etc. Anyways she thought she wasn't allowed around my family to grow bc of some ridiculous feelings of racism and she broke it off.

My brother and his wife and kids were all nice and cool and welcoming as possible to her just look her brother sounds to you.

I talked to a friend and he gave me some pretty solid advice. Basically said family had nothing to do with it. I live in Atlanta. He asked me if she and I lived in Miami, FL and all my gf had to do was see my mom and dad for holidays and suck it up would she give a care in the world if they were racist or not to where she wouldn't continue on with me? Of course the answer was no she'd be totally cool with it being me and her and if she had to deal with the parents well then so be it. Made total sense.

I fully believe your ex gf would find a way to make it work if it's meant to be. Why wouldn't she tell her parents this is how it is and here's up with this and you'll learn to love him whether you like it or not at the moment?

I went to hs with a Muslim guy that dated a southern white girl. Her family strongly disapproved and it caused problems in the early 20s. They're happily married now with kids and her parents sure as hell got over it bc she made it happen. It can work just the opposite if your ex wants it to and puts her parents respectfully in their place.

I think she's ready to have that talk again with them - it's just up to me now to decide if I want to/can get back to that point in our relationship as I have some resentment that we didn't move forward when I was ready and willing.

I definitely wouldn't call them extremists. I don't think they care that I'm white and not of the same culture, but they were shocked about the divorced w/ a kid part and probably concerned over how that would affect their daughters life if things got serious and perhaps what people within their community may think.
She knows I'm an atheist who is not willing to fake being open to religion to appease anyone. That being said if we had kids together I would likely have to be okay with them being exposed to her religion.

Does the couple you mentioned still follow any religions together/separately? What about their kids?

Ha crazy enough she's Jewish southern married to a Muslim man. I really don't know what they're doing with their kids religious wise. I'd assume if they married they somehow had a respectful enough marriage religious wise and are respectfully raising their kids accordingly.

I have another friend that is above my age. About 38 divorced with kids. Currently dating a 25 year old Jewish girl who's parents strongly disapprove bc he's divorced with kids and way older than her. Her father took the nerve to randomly stalk him on instagram as a ghost and threatened to kill him for no good reason. She politely told her dad that she loved him and this was a good man and her choice. She no longer speaks to her parents at this moment. That obviously sucks and is not at all ideal but if somebody wants to be with somebody that bad the family will not be allowed to be an issue.

My only advice is that if you think this is the one then don't let family or religion differences derail it. If not then let her go to find somebody where she doesn't have any of these problems and you don't either. Trust me, trying to fix a broken relationship where you two are perfect as friends and lovers but family and goals is the problem really sucks.

I think this is your biggest obstacle. Muslims tend to be quite concerned about what their family thinks.

you were together 2 years and never met her parents, do they even know you exist?

the chit wont work, shes a 30 year old woman with a secret boyfriend.

honestly OP what do you think would happen if she met some childless muslim chad her parents would love while you guys were together without a serious commitment yet, do you think she would ditch you for him?

You literally post nothing but stupid responses to everyone on this site. What’s the point of your response?

his point makes total sense.

she'd choose a guy who is the same race as her without a kid, if her parents are conservative.

which we are led to believe they are. he doesn't even need to be objectively better than OP - just without the baggage her family will grill her for

i've been there. i dont have a kid but ive seen girls who have been of other race and religion and it's always a massive issue, doing the whole secret thing in the beginning.

i'd keep seeing her OP because why tf not. if she makes the effort to progress things let her. its 2020, i'd rather not let go of options. decent girls are few and far between. just keep your feels loose

You cannot paint everyone with the same brush. Religion and old school parents are a problem in the modern world though. They can be extremely racist towards white people or any other race.

Indian or middle eastern women love to date white men. Especially Indian women because they can secretly date/bang without their community finding out. They are attracted to this but in my many experiences they always end up with their own race in the end. In love or not they conform to what their parents want and expect.

you contradict yourself.

the 2nd quote is the truth.

It’s not one or the other. There is no contradiction and can be a grey area.

Her branch of religion is small. She knows the entire community within the city and hasn't dated within the community in like a decade. Well over half marry outside the religion these days. If she ended up with a fellow brown guy it'd be more likely to be Hindu or Sikh so honestly it's prob easier I'm white and aetheist but the divorced with a kid is a hangup.

I think her and her mom have vague conversations about me. It's a bit ridiculous though. We've gone on trips together and they just have a "don't ask don't tell" policy about details.

yes, some families are more progressive than others. im aware of that.
my point was that if another guy comes along from the same background of equal attractiveness, who do you think she'll choose.i appreciate what you're saying, but thats in her eyes - not that of her family which is more than likely more conservative than she is. she can justify it to herself to date outside her religion but on some level her parents and so on will not be on board

and regarding my reply to the quote above - you say she hasn't dated within the community in a decade.. why? what's the reason because that seems odd

to give you some background on my experience:

ive dated 3 girls who weren't of my race or religion. 2 muslim girls and one hindu.

one of them i was with for 5 years, she took 2 years to tell her family but it was no issue because she didn't live with them. was relatively easy, which is why i stayed with her. sadly didn't work out due to other factors.

another it ended after date 3, when it looked extremely promising - because her parents wouldn't approve. she since came back, saying she's matured and it's her life etc. but its too late imo.
she started seeing a guy of her race shortly after breaking it off with me, i presume to appease her parents. turns out he was a kunt, her loss

the other i met when studying abroad so that worked for a few months, but after, it was a case of keeping it secret for them for god knows how long
and because i'd had the above experiences before, it was just really tiring. plus i knew she wasn't wife material

i'd only do it again if the girl was wife material srs.

The part that always put me off dating a brown girl was how involved their family is in everything.

To the comments above about not dating in her own community is because everyone is involved in your business and you likely don’t “date”. Once everyone knows you are interested in one another you plan to get married and the relationship grows after that. Also, once you “date” one guy it’s over for anyone else because you’re pretty much damaged in some cultures.

I’ve dated lots of colour and my own conclusion is it’s not worth it in the end. But again, not all black and white.

yeah this is true for both points

I'm sure her parents wished she was married with kids to someone of her own religion by now but they've likely adjusted their expectations. Like I said I think the kid is a factor more than anything else.

Idk why she didn't date more within her culture. First bf within the community cheated on her and it seemed like she didn't date for years afterwards.
Since then she's only had 2 minor relationships with guys she met while visiting another city and then did long distance with them (ie visited each other or met up in a city) a handful of times until the distance obv made it not work.
She's very outgoing/social/likable. Strange she doesn't have more dating experience but getting cheated on at a young age when you grew up so sheltered made her pretty guarded I think.

I would consider her wife material - I've just gotten frustrated with the situation to the point where I'm not sure a wife + more kids is in the cards for me anymore.
Kinda feel like I know I'm a catch & I put the opportunity to take steps to have a serious relationship and have a future together on the table with her and when she spent over a year being hesitant my ego was like k well I don't need a serious relationship anyways to be happy so lets just be on our ways.
Then of course after she loses me (& knows I instantly have women interested me) is when she feels she finally wants to get serious??
A lot to process and think about.

I’m your situation I’d probably walk away because in a sense it’s over. You’re tired, can’t be accepted for who you are and the fact you have a child. Her family will always be involved and you’re never going to kick back with her dad and crush a couple beers talking sports.

Cheating probably was not why she didn’t date.. they grow up so sheltered they don’t even know what they like or should like. Girls from these backgrounds can be really fun and good people but when it comes to this stuff they can be so confused. It’s their parents fault.

You seem well put together... maybe move on to a different girl and not have to feel your child is a problem. On a deep level she probably knows it may not work but misses you.