and now im gonna gush about my own drama, even though i don't particularly want to.. but whatevs, right?

So i've only just acknowleged the fact that im scared of men, but i've felt this way since i was a child. Only recently, since transitioning, my fear has grown to a level that im often extremely distressed by only slightly creepy encounters i have on a daily basis

for example, yesterday i went thrift shopping in the neighborhood i grew up in. I had my girlfriend with me but we were both in different parts of the store. I was about to start looking through the mens t-shirts, and i noticed this man: bald, overweight, probably in his late 40s or early 50s. I actually didn't think all that much of him, usually when im alone around any man i'll imediately thinking about how he might kill me, or worse. i guess i had felt safe cos i was used to going to that goodwill pretransition.

anyway he says "hey" in a reasonable tone, idk what to do, i felt weird, i didnt look up at him but i gave a sort of acknowledging gesture. another "hey" louder, and i pretty much froze, i don't acknowledge or engage at all, i probably looked really anxious. Then he steps towards me and extends his arm while he says very slowly "you're very unique, arent you?" All the alarms are going off now, started panicking, immediately turned the other direction and began fastwalking away, while im turning there was another "hey" but i was out girl, **** that, bye, i went to where i thought my gf would be, and luckily i found her, and i sorta explained the situation but i wasnt being super clear cos i was VERY upset.

she offered to stay with me and hold my hand while we finished, and i didnt wanna hold her hand tho cos i was still freaking out and idk pda seemed like alot, and im a dumb bitch, but she stayed with me, we went around and she started unknowingly going kinda near where creepy guy was. and i just like i was terrified. it was so bad. i was almost in tears and i basically felt like i had to hide or i was gonna die. she picked up on the fact that i reaaalllly wasn't doing okay and we left together,

got back to my car and she held me and tried to distract me but i was still panicking in a really bad way for like 15 to 20 minutes i think. and i was shaken the entire day, got lost driving a bunch, and i just kept thinking about wow, that felt like the worst ever, this fear is kinda controlling my life and its almost never that bad but i definitely have at least a slight panic attack every time a man i have no reason to talk to approaches me, which happens like a couple times a week nowadays :'''(

i don't want to live in fear, and i think its also kinda unfair and sexist of me that i view pretty much every man i come across as a threat and just generally see them in a negative light. i dont really talk to any men either, and id like to be able to comfortably do that. and ill have to whether i want to or not as im about to start cosmetology school, and there are a few boys in my class and i'll definitely be taking male clients as well

this was all over... ahhaha.. it's fine.