I don't think I have the capacity to do so. I just got out of a 16 year relationship, and I honestly don't care if she lives or dies now. I did feel depressed when it first ended, but that only lasted a month or 2, and I feel like it was mostly because something that I was used to for so long changed. The depression was mixed with elation and euphoria as well, was a strange experience. I think I built up a construct of what I thought love should be like in my mind, and I simulated the experience while I was with her. In hindsight, I think I did this because I thought I was doing what was right. I think she could feel this too; the hollow, artificial simulation of love from me and it created a lot of resentment. She always wanted true affection and I can never give that. This really sucks because I am actually desperate for companionship and love from someone else, but I can't give that in return. Feel like a massive hypocrite and a piece of ****. It seems like any future relationships are doomed because of how ****ed up I am. Feelsbadman.

/dear diary

Brittany was my love