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Forum » Grandma at End of Life
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Thread: Grandma at End of Life

post 1683343873 05-24-2023, 07:36 PM
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Grandma at End of Life

It's absolutely shocking, amazing, and depressing just how fast humans crash at the end of their lives. Visited my Grandma at the beginning of this years and things weren't great but they weren't bad either. 2 and a half months later she's at a 24/7 care home, in the hospital, and now won't eat and is expected to pass away soon.

This woman, my grandma, was/is one of the greatest people ever that I've known. Smart as hell, extremely independent, and was just someone wanting to live life and enjoy being surrounded by family. To see her reduced to a frail almost empty shell, mind clouded and confused, and deciding (respectfully) to let nature take its course and accept it's time to go. No eating, barely drinking, declined any antibiotics or resuscitation. Originally just yesterday when she was in the hospital it was being discussed to release her back to the homecare facility and have someone move in with her or her move in with someone else. That changed today to the thinking that doing that wouldn't be "beneficial" as they could tell she's going to pretty much pass soon.

So drove my Mom to the airport. Cousin from San Diego is also flying out there today impromptu. I can't go because of personal/job related stuff. I remember the last family death we had was my Grandpa. Seeing him in his final days and taking that one moment compared to the thousands of other memories I've had of him before that really ruined things for me with my image of him. I decided to do it this way for my Grandma. Not ruin the memories I have with a singular visit when she's about to go. We talked not long ago and I can still hear her voice and how she talks and how she would answer certain questions. I want to keep that.

Death is a cruel joke. The strongest people we know in our lives eventually become reduced to nothingness. Imagine the most influential and powerful person you know in your personal life and then picture them skin and bone and not being able to string together 2 words. Damn, it's coming for us all no matter what.
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post 1683344393 05-24-2023, 07:46 PM
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My grandma is still with us

She’s showing early signs of dementia or whatever

She lives with my aunt and uncle and I see her regularly

I love my grandma more than anyone on the planet (srs)

Have my blessings OP
post 1683344473 05-24-2023, 07:48 PM
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Damn brah this is sad SRS.

Literally at the bus stop for death.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandma but now she will rest soon and be OK.
post 1683344503 05-24-2023, 07:49 PM
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Your post shows great maturity and love of family....You were raised right bro...All the best .
post 1683344573 05-24-2023, 07:50 PM
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Use this time to say goodbye OP.
I couldn't say good bye to my dad
We living in a clown world.
post 1683344693 05-24-2023, 07:52 PM
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Damn, that honestly hit really close to home with me. Same thing happened to my grandpa. I think you did the right thing by not going. I was at school halfway across the U.S when my grandpa died and am honestly glad I wasn’t there near the end. Sorry to hear and hang in there brah
post 1683344713 05-24-2023, 07:52 PM
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You have almost the same story as me. As mine was getting older my aunt and uncle moved in to help take care of her. Since then they started having health issues of their own so it got more and more difficult over time to take care of themselves and her as well. That didn't happen until pretty much this year and the care place came into the picture.

I think taking her out of the home she had owned for over 20/30 years, the last place/home where her and my grandfather lived together before he passed, memories of all the family and grandkids together, is the wrong thing to do if it can be avoided. It's like taking them out of that place and into a care home disconnects their "will to live" and everything goes to sht quickly after. Seems to be the case here IMO.
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post 1683344773 05-24-2023, 07:52 PM
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So sorry to hear about your grandma. It sounds like you're making the right choice for yourself to keep the good memories alive.
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post 1683344943 05-24-2023, 07:54 PM
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She sounds smart enough to know that a life of suffering and being kept alive artificially is no life at all. She's made the right choice, I hope when our time comes we can all be as strong as she is.
When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.
post 1683345023 05-24-2023, 07:56 PM
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Originally Posted By 2004Miscer⏩
Use this time to say goodbye OP.
I couldn't say good bye to my dad
It's a sht sandwich no matter how you look at it. Say goodbye (who knows how much that'll do if she can't remember or know who I am) and have that be the last thing I say to her or my last memory of her being in that abysmal state. Or remember her as the amazing, kind, loving, determined, and independent woman I would visit twice a year during summers and winters. I know we place a high value on being able to say good bye but I also think we underestimate just how mentally "damaging" seeing a person, especially someone you love or has had such a huge impact on/in your life, can be and can forever skew or fuk up the good memories you have as well.
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post 1683345073 05-24-2023, 07:57 PM
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yeah it's crazy

my grandmother is 93 and was telling me about how she's lived too long at easter, she's very religious and thinks god is purposely keeping her alive for sins or something
post 1683345233 05-24-2023, 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted By texanchris⏩
Damn, that honestly hit really close to home with me. Same thing happened to my grandpa. I think you did the right thing by not going. I was at school halfway across the U.S when my grandpa died and am honestly glad I wasn’t there near the end. Sorry to hear and hang in there brah
During the drive to the airport I asked my Mom if she thought the family would be disappointed in me or hold it against me by not going. She said she understood and that Grandma would want me to keep building my life (if I went there's a strong possibility the things I've been working on the past few months in my work/personal life would be jeopardized and I'd have to start them over). She also said that the family would understand but you never know. They could forever hate me deep down.
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post 1683345373 05-24-2023, 08:02 PM
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She sounds like a legend of a woman OP. To have your grandchild speak highly of you and understand the impact of her life as a positive frequency means that she has done her job. My grandmother was similar and went quick in the end. It is sad to see them in that state, but understand she knows she's loved and she knows it's her time.

It's a part of life, but it's tough. Keep your head up OP. As quickly as they go and as feeble as life seems in these moments, you will realize how full and powerful her life still lives on with you and your family. I still think about my grandmother most days and her words I live by til this day.
post 1683345513 05-24-2023, 08:04 PM
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Well fuk, just got the message. My Mom is waiting in Denver for her last leg over. "Grandma passed away about the time I was getting on the plane. It was quick and peaceful". So 4 hours ago.
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post 1683345683 05-24-2023, 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted By roosky11⏩
It's a sht sandwich no matter how you look at it. Say goodbye (who knows how much that'll do if she can't remember or know who I am) and have that be the last thing I say to her or my last memory of her being in that abysmal state. Or remember her as the amazing, kind, loving, determined, and independent woman I would visit twice a year during summers and winters. I know we place a high value on being able to say good bye but I also think we underestimate just how mentally "damaging" seeing a person, especially someone you love or has had such a huge impact on/in your life, can be and can forever skew or fuk up the good memories you have as well.
It sounds like its impacting you heavily seeing her in this state, don't be afraid to get help.

I watched my dad die without warning, and had to try and tried to resuscitate him while he bit his tongue off and seized.
I had to get professional help to get that image out of my head and remember the good times and not the final moments.
If I had my chance, I'd tell him how much he meant to me and so take that opportunity if you can OP.

All the best OP she sounds like a great woman. You'll get through this.
We living in a clown world.
post 1683345813 05-24-2023, 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted By roosky11⏩
I can't go because of personal/job related stuff. I remember the last family death we had was my Grandpa. Seeing him in his final days and taking that one moment compared to the thousands of other memories I've had of him before that really ruined things for me with my image of him. I decided to do it this way for my Grandma. Not ruin the memories I have with a singular visit when she's about to go. We talked not long ago and I can still hear her voice and how she talks and how she would answer certain questions. I want to keep that.
Roosky11 brah. This is a weak and selfish approach. Your grandpa and grandma were there for you your entire life.

Don't abandon your grandma when she needs you most just because you'll feel uncomfortable.

Before you know it, it will be your parents. Will you avoid that too? We're all gonna go through it.

On spread with you

Edit: RIP Roosky11's grandma
post 1683346333 05-24-2023, 08:18 PM
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Originally Posted By roosky11⏩
I remember the last family death we had was my Grandpa. Seeing him in his final days and taking that one moment compared to the thousands of other memories I've had of him before that really ruined things for me with my image of him. I decided to do it this way for my Grandma. Not ruin the memories I have with a singular visit when she's about to go. We talked not long ago and I can still hear her voice and how she talks and how she would answer certain questions. I want to keep that.
Bruh wat. You guys are probably the first people she wants to see before she goes. I strongly regret not being able to see my grandpa when he asked for me and the other grandkids before he passed...
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post 1683346433 05-24-2023, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted By roosky11⏩
During the drive to the airport I asked my Mom if she thought the family would be disappointed in me or hold it against me by not going. She said she understood and that Grandma would want me to keep building my life (if I went there's a strong possibility the things I've been working on the past few months in my work/personal life would be jeopardized and I'd have to start them over). She also said that the family would understand but you never know. They could forever hate me deep down.
I dont think they can hold that against you, each person handles grief differently. Especially if they understand your personal circumstances. Any disappointment they had, if any, will be short lived. If she does pass, consider saying an eulogy. I was the closest grandchild to my Grandpa which is why I did and it helped

Edit: RIP, sorry for your loss OP
post 1683346513 05-24-2023, 08:21 PM
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I'm sry bro. Hang in there.
post 1683346763 05-24-2023, 08:27 PM
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think its wrong to not be by such a great woman's side in her dying days because YOU don't want it to ruin your memories of her

selfish brah, be there for her

i'd give anything to see my grandmothers again
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post 1683347453 05-24-2023, 08:41 PM
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why u make me cry OP? fuark
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post 1683347503 05-24-2023, 08:42 PM
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My Dad passed away suddenly at 93 two years ago now. His heart gave out.

My son was devastated about his Grandpa and still wont talk about it 2 years later. They were best friends.

I saw visited him the day before he died. Things left unsaid.

I still think about that day all the time. Got a call and when I got to his house his body was covered and I only saw his feet.

He wanted to die at the house he lived in for over 60 years. It was a nice sunny day and he would have loved that.

You need to do what is best for you.

Do not listen to anyone else as we all grieve differently.
post 1683347893 05-24-2023, 08:48 PM
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Yeah mine got really bad at the end of her life. She was also demential saying racist things and possibly anx pooping herself. It’s bad op
post 1683349003 05-24-2023, 09:05 PM
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Sorry for your loss, OP.
post 1683351643 05-24-2023, 10:05 PM
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Just got back from a very long drive. Came back and talked with my Dad a bit. During the drive I welled up a few times but am feeling OK-ish.
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post 1683351793 05-24-2023, 10:12 PM
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My grandpa died immediatly, he came back from his walk, his heart gave out and he just plopped down on the bed

Honestly that is a way better way to go out. A long drawn out death just adds to the suffering. Hope we can all go as peacefully as that

RIP in peace tho opie, don't pity the dead as they are at peace
post 1683351883 05-24-2023, 10:15 PM
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Originally Posted By Immichaelski⏩
Yeah mine got really bad at the end of her life. She was also demential saying racist things and possibly anx pooping herself. It’s bad op
Seeing someone before they go is one thing. But seeing someone in that state, which she was, is not something I would want to see nor do I truly think she would've wanted that to be the last thing I saw of her either. Our last phone convo was a good one. Typical but a good one and now all the more special. The last time I visited her I was helping her with getting her meds, making sure she had the house phone and it was charged, and just doing all the little things that I could. She loved watching the Game Show Network so we'd watch that pretty much most of the day together. One thing I do regret is not asking her more about her life or just life advice/opinion questions. I knew of her life just by her talking with family and family talking about her or when I would ask who was related to whom and how. But I never really directly talked about her own experiences. She was a nurse and met my Grandfather while he was in the navy. They were from MO and lived in PA and CA and later settled in MO. That's about the most I knew.
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post 1683351913 05-24-2023, 10:16 PM
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Originally Posted By koreannoodles77⏩
My grandpa died immediatly, he came back from his walk, his heart gave out and he just plopped down on the bed

Honestly that is a way better way to go out. A long drawn out death just adds to the suffering. Hope we can all go as peacefully as that

RIP in peace tho opie, don't pity the dead as they are at peace
Pretty much what my Dad said and he's a physician. He said he wants to go out like a snap. No drama, no prolonging or suffering, just out.
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post 1683356663 05-25-2023, 12:34 AM
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sorry to hear that, hang in there. Life is short and fickle
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post 1683357023 05-25-2023, 12:46 AM
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Sorry to hear that, bro. Death of loved ones is never easy to deal with.

Not gonna lie though, I don't understand the people here saying not to go see her/say goodbye just so you "don't have to live with" the memory of her going down the drain. I mean, I get where they're coming from, but still. My last grandparent (a grandma) passed away a couple years ago. I wasn't able to make it because it was hours away and at about the worst time for me, plus she was already pretty much a vegetablenwhen she died and my cousins who I don't like very much (and who were always the special grandkids, so to speak) were doing the bedside thing already. I remember thinking about going anyway, then they let me "talk" to her on the phone, and it was obvious she couldn't speak anymore and was gonna be mostly likely done that night regardless. So she was already gone by then, honestly.

Unless your situation at least throws some obstacles/logistics issues like that at you, then don't be a bitch; just go say goodbye to grandma. Are you the same kind of person who doesn't stay with his dying dog/cat when you're putting your old friend down at the vet, too, but just chucks it at the vet and runs off like a bitch?
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