well?

Like around puberty, so 13?

Like around puberty, so 14?

Like 12, thats when i started drinking

Been gucci ever since

not nihilistic

I did realize broken families are hopeless, and I would have been better off an orphan than trying to pretend otherwise.

Way too late. Probably realized the past year or so (age 28).

I wouldn't say the delusion of being blue pilled is all that bad tho. I definitely did a lot of good I otherwise wouldn't have done.

age 16 then coped till age 19 and got hyper blackpilled

now years later Ive still been coping

april 2011

10 and below I was just a happy kid, blissfully naive, indulgent in things. Not spoiled by mature realizations or burdened by cruel realities, but lucky to be in USA and with a good family. 10/10 happiness.

11-16 I realized I was fat, socially awkward, had a helicopter mom, never hung out with friends (only online), enjoyed marching band, found happiness in video games, pessimistic regarding future, had great dopamine from games/movies/tv often. 7.5/10 happiness.

17-18 I got skinny, finally started having female interest, still enjoyed my things at max capacity, still pessimistic regarding future, felt inept because didn't have car nor could drive, found the misc, got accepted into a University. 8/10 happiness.

19-22 I was lean with at least SOME muscle, had some relationships, moved out, did overall decent at University and felt proud, lost virginity, got my first job ($9/hr, promoted to $10/hr later), still felt inept about driving, discovered and indulged in alcohol/weed, actually did stuff with friends for first time in life, felt optimistic about future, max dopamine from usual sources, got sick of having roommates. 9/10 happiness.

23-26 I got higher BF% (was 20-30 pounds heavier than preferred), a car and felt freedom and less inept at long last, first job out of college, made good money, got my own place for a while, paid off all my debts, got stuck in a LTR (felt bad for her, plus we went through a lot of emotional stuff together), moved in with her and broke up with her eventually and she moved out, saw therapist for a while, progressed career A LOT ($100kish gross income, hard certifications in my name), dopamine from the usual sources started declining, played with stock options and multiplied my net worth and watch it fall to $0 shortly after, family's getting older and sickly. 6.5/10 happiness.

27 I got rather lean, progressed career beyond my own expectations ($160k+ gross income), felt freedom from being single and doing whatever I wanted, left country for first time ever, dopamine was somewhere close to what I had experienced in early 20's, nearly zero sex though lol. 8.25/10 happiness.

28 (now) I'm only like 7-10 pounds above target weight, career is going good mostly but they ask me to do scary things (run or join intimidating meetings, get on a stage in front of hundreds of people, train people), net worth is looking good (a little north of $100k+), envisioning buying first house in the future, signed up for another LTR, best sex of my life thus far, this one's a keeper but Commitment/Marriage-itself scares me (all the attention, financial costs, family socializing, another culture/language), still find time to enjoy my indulgences but it feels scarce a little and doesn't always go as planned, dopamine from my hobbies/interests isn't quite hitting the mark these days. Hard to say but I'd lean into 7/10 happiness so far.

EDIT:

Forgot to write my main point. I feel like happiness is a mega-combination of things. It's all of:

- What you allow yourself to focus on / think about / occupy your time with
- Luck. Genetics, finances, family, where you're born.
- Good health.
- Accomplishment and succeeding at your goals you set for yourself.

But the biggest thing of all: it's mindset. Looking at the bright side of life, remaining optimistic, remaining curious, doing what you want to do whenever you can, looking towards the future.

I love you OP

Like puberty around 3

Like puberty. Bout 3.50 months

As soon as I flopped out of my moms pussy

IDK - likely first grade (so 6-7). I hated school and first grade was my first real taste of realizing that life consists of spending a whole lot of time doing chit you don't want to. First years of school, then years of wagecucking. Not to mention all of the other chit - can't even imagine how much worse it is with a family and kids.