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Forum » If you cheated on a loved one, would you tell them?
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Thread: If you cheated on a loved one, would you tell them?

post 1689648833 09-06-2023, 08:58 PM
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If you cheated on a loved one, would you tell them?

You don't need to be married for this, but imagine you're in a loving long term relationship.

You cheat. Once, in say 4 years.

Would you confess?

A coworker is in a state - he apparently went to some kind of korean hostess bar with a friend from NJ while he was in k-town and says he got a handjob from one of the girls there. He feels awful about it (I believe him - this guy is kind of a nerd, was never really a ladies man).

He asked me about it and I'm honestly not sure. I'm militant anti-cheating, but is a drunken handjob that might only be a cautionary tale for him == its over?

Thoughts?
post 1689648883 09-06-2023, 09:00 PM
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post 1689649003 09-06-2023, 09:03 PM
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Originally Posted By rollerball⏩
No. Never divulge the cheating, it will irreparably change the relationship for the worse.
I'm not advocating it but what's done is done. Coming clean will just further hurt both parties.
Have to agree.

If it was a regular or ongoing thing then she would probably want to know even though it would suck. This? I think she would rather not. So long as she doesn't know they can carry on as if it never happened.
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post 1689649063 09-06-2023, 09:04 PM
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are you really asking this question at 45 years old? lol

do you really not have any advice to give him before asking the misc?
post 1689649143 09-06-2023, 09:06 PM
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Originally Posted By katya422⏩
Have to agree.

If it was a regular or ongoing thing then she would probably want to know even though it would suck. This? I think she would rather not. So long as she doesn't know they can carry on as if it never happened.
Damn Katya with the ultimate blackpill
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post 1689649213 09-06-2023, 09:07 PM
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Originally Posted By katya422⏩
Have to agree.

If it was a regular or ongoing thing then she would probably want to know even though it would suck. This? I think she would rather not. So long as she doesn't know they can carry on as if it never happened.
When does it become 'regular'? I think someone cheating once and realizing it was a huge mistake is one thing, but how many people do you know who cheated once and never again in all honesty?

I want to believe that this guy won't cheat again but I mean...
post 1689649453 09-06-2023, 09:12 PM
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post 1689649473 09-06-2023, 09:12 PM
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Sounds to me like Katya has some experience in the cheating department.

Tell us more, Kat. The misc needs to know
post 1689649493 09-06-2023, 09:12 PM
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I would tell them before I did it.

Haven’t always been that open and honest with others, more importantly myself.

In order to become the person I want to be, I have to understand who I am. That requires honesty with myself. Which in my experience, naturally results in honesty with others as well.

Before deviating from a relationship/regulation/commitment for any reason, I have to consciously make the decision and do it intentionally.

I will not get “caught up in the moment” which is a lie. By that time you been thinking about it, fantasizing about it, etc. you just been in denial about it. Playing stupid ass games with yourself. Kind of wanting it and letting it go that way just for that selfish desire.

Not me. No more excuses. When I go to bed, and review my day, if I was a ****ty person to someone, I have to deal with it. No bs excuses, deflection, justification.

Time to be a grown up, and considerate of those around me. Yes because I care about others, but more importantly because I am in fact better than that.

That being said, **** every beautiful thing that wants to be ****ed by you without a second thought.
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post 1689649583 09-06-2023, 09:13 PM
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If I cheated I'd leave.

She may not know but I do. I'd be cringing inside everytime she talks about how much she loves and trusts me. I can't live like that.

Whether I'd confess I dunno.
The closer we approach the uncertainty of life's ending the more we wish to trade all of the things we have acquired in exchange for all of the things we have lost: wealth for youth, knowledge for fresh curiosity, resignation for hope. We'd trade our wisdom for new experiences, but it is wisdom that will teach us that at the end of the road the only new experience is death.
post 1689649623 09-06-2023, 09:14 PM
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post 1689649643 09-06-2023, 09:14 PM
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Originally Posted By rollerball⏩
If he's a serial cheater that's one thing. But a moment of weakness that turns out to be some defining moment where he re-commits himself to the relationship - which does happen occasionally I feel lol - would be an entirely different thing and not one that would be served well by coming clean about the cheating.

Civilized humans are always in a state of self-control - the control of taking care of one's appearance in public, to control oneself from driving like a selfish maniac, to control oneself from punching the condescending maitre d' at Dorsia in the face, etc. Sometimes slip-ups happen and those slip-ups can either lead to more slip-ups or avoiding those slip-ups altogether in the future.
I don't think he knows it yet. How many cheaters cheat once, go 'omg I'm so bad', then the next time they go out drinking or whatever they cheat again?

I once new a cheater years ago when I started in IB who cheated on his wife regularly, and when I asked him "How can you cheat on the woman you're supposed to love?" he said "It gets easier every time srs".

The truth as to whether this was a real one-off takes time to see. That's why it's "easier" being militant anti cheating.
post 1689649793 09-06-2023, 09:17 PM
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post 1689649823 09-06-2023, 09:18 PM
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Originally Posted By InVentive44⏩
Damn Katya with the ultimate blackpill
Eh, there are degrees to these things. Not condoning cheating.

Finding someone that you fit together with well enough to make a marriage? Not something to take for granted.

Someone wrote this up for less common/introverted people.
It will not be easy or likely. The prerequisites are rare and don't often occur, it's factually mathematically improbable. Like a stew of chance. Amongst the most important factors;

- They first must have a reason to care.

- They must have an ability to comprehend, and who they are as a person (personality) will dictate the potential depth they offer.This number of people appears to only be about 27% at the very most, with only 7–8% possessing the natural traits to make a “deep” connection.

- They must be willing to learn, in addition to rare ability, they must also possess certain qualities, such as curiosity, open mindedness, compassion, and empathy. Because these are traits that are added onto personalities,it's reasonable to assume that only 20% of the 27% (or 7%) would possess the character traits to use their potential in a way that brought deep understanding.

- They must be proximate to your friend/social circle.

- You must be able to identify them.

- They must be available.

- By my measurements, which are fairly accurate,I suspect less than 1/300 people would ideally match in all of these categories.
^^^
Less than 1 in 300.

As you get older the number of people who are just available [not in a relationship or haven't given up any desire for a relationship] gets smaller too.

If you have a good relationship then best appreciate it and maintain it.
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post 1689650273 09-06-2023, 09:31 PM
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post 1689650373 09-06-2023, 09:32 PM
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Originally Posted By LogicalLifts⏩
When does it become 'regular'? I think someone cheating once and realizing it was a huge mistake is one thing, but how many people do you know who cheated once and never again in all honesty?

I want to believe that this guy won't cheat again but I mean...
Your post implied that he is feeling guilt about what happened which seems appropriate. However dumping his negative feelings on his spouse won't serve her so far as I can see. At this time maybe a priest, or a therapist might be the way to go so he can work through his upset about the event without blowing up his marriage.
Originally Posted By 4Bertuzzi4⏩
Sounds to me like Katya has some experience in the cheating department.

Tell us more, Kat. The misc needs to know
Oh I think I have posted about it at one time or other.

My dad was a cheater. While he was married to my mom he had an old high school GF he would still see, another long term mistress who ended up being his second wife, and a rotating cast of guest stars as it were.

I'm not sure if maybe he was careful about being secretive at first. Sincerely I think he conducted himself shamefully. If he did not want to be married he should have divorced rather than living single while being married. Near the end of the marriage I don't think he was very careful at all and I think it was a cowardly way of ending the marriage.

I was cheated on by the first guy I had a sexual relationship with. And found out he was openly seeing someone else and that many people we were acquainted with were aware which was such a painful betrayal. I get that no one wants to be that person, but it was still really crappy.

I've been attracted to other people while attached, but I've never acted on it.
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post 1689650513 09-06-2023, 09:35 PM
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Originally Posted By rollerball⏩
I have looked upon all the universe has to hold of horror, and even the skies of spring and flowers of summer must ever afterward be poison to me. When the stars were right, They could plunge from world to world through the sky; but when the stars were wrong, They could not live.
You say the sweetest things.

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post 1689650583 09-06-2023, 09:36 PM
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post 1689650673 09-06-2023, 09:37 PM
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I personally have a 0 tolerance policy for cheating.

Whats the equivalent of a hand job for women? Sexting with a coworker? Making out?

If my gf did any of the above id drop her in a second and go NC. Truth is a large % of people cheat. Why? Most people are selfish *******s. If you're a selfish *******, its usually self inflicted
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post 1689650743 09-06-2023, 09:37 PM
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Originally Posted By rollerball⏩
I don't agree with cheating either but at the same time I often think people try to impose monogamy on other people or themselves when they really aren't capable of it. Or they're at a time in their lives where they are currently not capable of it.

I think people would be much better served if they were just able to admit to themselves and others whether they're the monogamous kind or not but, of course, humans are generally too selfish for that.

Whether that applies to your buddy remains to be seen though.
I get what you mean. I think some folks are fundamentally unable to remain monogamous, but then the right thing to do would be to avoid entering into a monogamous long term relationship too I'd say.
post 1689650763 09-06-2023, 09:38 PM
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Lol a handjob at a Korean rub n tug isn’t cheating. There’s no feelings involved. It’s just a release at the end of a massage, and feels amazing.

Honestly, after years of marriage a wife should support this type of thing.
post 1689650823 09-06-2023, 09:39 PM
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No.

I wouldn't cheat on a chick I was really into, and if she was just a smash then she should just be happy it wasn't her friend or her mom.
post 1689650843 09-06-2023, 09:39 PM
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post 1689650963 09-06-2023, 09:41 PM
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Originally Posted By LogicalLifts⏩
I get what you mean. I think some folks are fundamentally unable to remain monogamous, but then the right thing to do would be to avoid entering into a monogamous long term relationship too I'd say.
Yeah I know plenty of people in great relationships but they just need some side pussy 5x per year. I don’t think it’s that big a deal if doesn’t involve feelings. However when a girl does it to get back at a guy, it’s really fuked up.
post 1689651073 09-06-2023, 09:42 PM
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Originally Posted By katya422⏩
Have to agree.

If it was a regular or ongoing thing then she would probably want to know even though it would suck. This? I think she would rather not. So long as she doesn't know they can carry on as if it never happened.
Why even be faithful anymore. In the end it doesn't mean anything to sloots anyways.

What you consider being devoted, faithful and noble she considers weakness.

Again this is why a sloot will always sloot
"it takes a wise man to know when he is in error and a noble man to admit to it"
post 1689651083 09-06-2023, 09:42 PM
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Originally Posted By rollerball⏩
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Katya R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
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post 1689651163 09-06-2023, 09:43 PM
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Originally Posted By OliverHeldens⏩
Lol a handjob at a Korean rub n tug isn’t cheating. There’s no feelings involved. It’s just a release at the end of a massage, and feels amazing.

Honestly, after years of marriage a wife should support this type of thing.
Wasnt a massage place. Basically a night club catered towards lonely men. Think about why a married man would go there. Likely hes not getting any action at home. Likely because hes a nerd whose wife is not attracted to him.He went there to feel wanted again. Thats cheating, maybe justified? Dude should get a divorce
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post 1689651193 09-06-2023, 09:43 PM
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Originally Posted By OliverHeldens⏩
Lol a handjob at a Korean rub n tug isn’t cheating. There’s no feelings involved. It’s just a release at the end of a massage, and feels amazing.

Honestly, after years of marriage a wife should support this type of thing.
If no feelings are involved (and of course I agree many men are able to smash without feelings), would it have been cheating if he paid more to put on a condom and smash her? Or still not cheating?

Or is it 'cheating' if he went back to the same rub n tug, asked for the same girl?
post 1689651293 09-06-2023, 09:45 PM
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Originally Posted By 4Bertuzzi4⏩
Sounds to me like Katya has some experience in the cheating department.

Tell us more, Kat. The misc needs to know
I'd bet that Katya has never cheated, but that she has fu*ked married men before. SRS.
post 1689651383 09-06-2023, 09:46 PM
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Originally Posted By LogicalLifts⏩
If no feelings are involved (and of course I agree many men are able to smash without feelings), would it have been cheating if he paid more to put on a condom and smash her? Or still not cheating?

Or is it 'cheating' if he went back to the same rub n tug, asked for the same girl?
are you sure u arent an incel?

the guy just said rub n tug isnt cheating.

how is that not cheating. if your wife got finger blasted from her masseuse, would you not consider that cheating? lmao
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