M...m...my wife loves me...very much.

Ahhh I’m still employed, somehow. I guess I run my team OK, and keep my bosses off my back, which is extraordinary to me. I show up when I need to, I try to do what I can, even if it’s not perfect. I’ve been doing it for years, maybe I do possess some level of managerial acumen?

I’m seemingly estranged from my brother, which I can’t blame him for, based on my past behavior. However, this causes me deep pain. Like, very very bad pain that I can’t even describe.

Broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years in 2021 following the Covid thing. Her whole friend group were my friends and now I don’t have anyone as a friend except my parents. Maybe they’ll outlive me, they’re doing amazing. Just retired, managed their finances nicely, doing volunteer work, landscaping the back yard, taking care of 2 dogs, and nieces and nephews, whole nine yards.

If I don’t die before them, there will be no reason to continue contact with any of my family if they pass. I will have no real further reason to go on. I’m barely making it now.

But what makes me happy is when I discard my ego and realize that my brother and sister are the successful ones, at least in terms of breeding. So our genetic line will be carried on, and that’s something to be proud of.

And I wouldn’t want to ever pollute the world with my progeny. That’s how I rationalize my inability to maintain relationships. I view myself as something like Grendel from the ancient poem Beowulf. I am a grotesque, misshapen, freak who can never find happiness. A mistake.

But every day I seem to wake up again, my heart still beating, and my lungs still breathing. I shouldn’t be afraid to go to sleep, but I am. A coward, afraid even to sleep. Truly a disgrace. But once sleep comes, it’s all I want…I want to sleep forever.

It’s so cool that there are people out there that care about their lives and are so involved and put so much time into curating their life story and cultivating their family and everything.

That’s so cool, and so foreign to me.

So I will keep going to work and feeling very bad until I can’t work anymore and eventually I’ll be dead. And no one will give a fuk, in fact I think they’ll be glad.

“Finally, he’s at peace” or “I was waiting for the bastard to die”

Everyone will agree that it was better for me to die.

Ish going great! Currently on my night shifts 2/3.

I also found out recently that I got accepted into my masters program so I'll be going back to school in the fall! So my work during the years has paid off and things are going to plan!

I also bought a new bike--just waiting for it to arrive in store. I like light/leisure biking so it's a hybrid, 1k--nothing too much or fancy. Just better than the department store one I currently have at least!

Also bought a cricut so I'm gonna make some stickers. Doing a rough sketch and will clean up digitally before printing on sticker paper.

Oh, I don't know why I was thinking she was due the 20th. Wow so close! I can't wait to see your thread announcing the birth of your baby!Oh I really like that painting! I used to do paint by numbers. It was fun. I also did latch hook rugs. You've prob never heard of that lol I like doing artsy stuff but I'm not artistic enough to make my own, I have to follow patterns and such.Take care of yourself!Congrats on getting into your masters program! That's great!

Howdy Kaz.....

Well.....I woke up above the dirt again this morning so all is well and no whining from me.

Have a great day everyone.

Haha! Me too. Never realized how much I rely on it until I can't use it. Didn't end up getting to play disc golf with my dad like planned on Saturday but still spent some good time together. Ended up getting going today by myself. Nice and sunny day and I bought a new box cutter as well. Taking it easy before the grind starts again this week. Looking at potentially re-doing my upstairs bathroom in a few months which I am excited about as it truly needs it.

I always look forward to working out 2-3 times during the week. Truly a positive release.

Thank you legz! <3 I've always wanted to work in a primary care setting and would prefer clinic hours in the long term. It's scary, but looking forward to the change/challenge!

Also
the head grew a body! I just wish I had those model figure things so I could have a reference, I feel like this a bit off. I want to throw it out. :/

On my first day of the second week of RTO. Got home, lifted some weights, took a shower and prepared a dinner. Drinking and watching Amazon Prime as always.

Now 21:05, soon got to go to bed...*burp and yawn*Cheers bro.Been there and still is, wake up hoping to find myself without pain every morning.Another talented master artist! Good job, brah!!You too my old friend!I wish my late father and I were good friends while he was still alive. I miss him.

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Good night and sweet dreams misc!!

Thanks for asking!Brewing sake sounds like such a cool hobby, how did you get into that?

I start a new job in a few weeks so taking a bit of time off in between. Today I’m getting a workout in then taking my Mom out later. I had a stress dream last night that something terrible had happened to her so it will be nice to forget about all of that! I also picked up The Reagan Diaries for some summer reading, along with two of my favorite magazines.Should be a fun and relaxing day!

….Now to do those hill sprints

Good evening misc!!

Way to go, m'lady! That's the spirit!!



I'm a flat course guy so I'll sit this out.