Been really depressed misc, still haven't got back to lifting, I blame the catheter recovery but I'm just being lazy, I think once I get back into it I'll be okay, been keeping up with my diet at least so my strength doesn't tank when I return to it. I'm worried I'm gonna have a schizo episode soon and I really don't want that to happen, having intrusive thoughts of suicide lately, been trying to walk it off though which seems to help a bit. Smoked over 2 packs today, its making me feel like sh!t and I think its contributing to me not lifting. I'm hoping on thursday when I call to book an appointment to see a doctor to fill out my disability papers they can actually give me an appointment, when I called this past thursday they were all booked up, I don't want to go to the ER because the doctor may turn me away because of the paperwork.

I look like sh!t, people started treating me different when I gained almost 100 pounds, women don't give me a second look except for absolute monsters (like my sister's friends), most men regard me with fear when they pass me by on the street after dark, they say hi and I just ignore them and they act scared, I guess its scare or be scared, when I was a twink everyone would try to mog me and intimidate me because they were jealous of me, now people just act like I don't exist or act scared of me (aside from the fat, ugly whales my sister knows), I don't want to be a bloatlord forever boyos, and without a full time manual labour job I will never lose the weight, and I can't work because of my schizophrenia.

I can't fully medicate myself with risperidone because the withdrawal would be fatal if I had an episode and stopped taking them, so I try to get by on a low dosage, I'm worried the doctor won't sign the paperwork putting me on disability for it either way. My life sucks pretty bad misc, being fat and ugly is terrible, looks are probably the most valuable thing and most who have them take them for granted, I know I did. Been single for almost 13 years now, originally it was because I just stopped trying to find a girl that was good looking AND not a wh*re, but now its because I legit can't find anyone aside from disgusting pig women. Life sucks misc, can't even go back to the city and go to the homeless shelter because all my stuff is here, my pc and weight equipment is like 4500.00 worth of stuff alone. Everyday I have to listen to the jeers and smart remarks of my family trying to set me up with ugly, disgusting pig women, or stuff about my childhood (just being reminded of it), and my family all have mental problems like me so they talk crazy sh!t which makes me feel more crazy. Even if I do get put on disability I'm resigning myself to 908.00 a month for life which just covers bills, my only hope is to get sponsored to weight train eventually.

I'm going to bed shortly misc.

Sleep tight, Princess.

xoxox

John I couldn't read all that cause I'm too drunk but don't even worry about the lifting or strength. You can take time off but it always comes back