I feel your hurt OP.

In this situation the two of you had goals which were not aligned. One of you had to compromise or you had to break up, it's as simple as that. As a person who wants to get married and have kids I can understand perfectly the situation your gf found herself in.

You put her in the position of choosing between marriage and her future kids, and dating you. As much as she liked you (and she seemed to like you a lot) her future kids are more important to her than you are. You couldn't and weren't willing to give her what she needed so she HAD to move on.

I realise this has ripped the heart out of you, but the decision probably ripped the heart out of her as well. You chatting for over 6 years, and you didn't make a move or change your position, what was she supposed to do? She left you yes, but the alternative you gave her was a future of no marriage and no kids.

If you truly don't want kids, and don't want to be married then it was the right decision and you will find another woman. It will hurt for a long time, but doing the right thing sometimes hurts.

I do agree that online dating is a cesspool but these apps make locating and finding people a lot easier. You do need to figure out what you want out of everything in general (work on yourself) and reflect that in the profile/message you put out there. Are you part of any social groups? It’s not hard to find them online & most are very accepting.

Yeah denial is right and in the moment it's difficult to take a step back and look at things objectively. That's why I was so hard on the actions versus words element, if you can take a step back and look at what she has actually DONE instead of what she SAID then it goes a long way to helping you move on. Women deal in emotion and they feel differently over time, hence why you need to pay attention to what she is doing because she will act out what her emotions tell her.

On the personal thing, it was a year long fling for her. She was Venezuelan/Spanish mix and studying English over here in the UK. She went home to her family with promises of coming back and I was naïve enough at the time to believe her. It never happened but she did ruin me for British girls.

Yeah bro its a very tough situation to be in, to the point im even considering marrying her just so she doesnt suffer, but thats just stupid as fuk and again thats just my stupid and immature self talking. If she heard me talking like that she would slap my face and go NC for the rest of her life, marrying her just so she doesnt suffer? **** scenario man what a sad thing to say.


But yeah man my main point is that when i was hurt, i was 100% sure she was the one. When i had her she wasnt, and she was so submissive, she loved me so much, that i wasnt afraid she would ever leave me. So i was content with the relaitonship as it was but i wasnt gonna marry her, and she sure as hell wasnt leaving me because she loved me so much, or so i thought. Then she blindsided me one day and out of nowhere, she wasnt mine, she was someone's else. In a matter of a day, srsly. They call it monkeybranching, i call it the lowest possible **** you can do to a partner. Well im exagerating lol but it was ****ty as fuk.

February 13 we were together, supposedly in love, loyal to each other, and on february 14 she was on a date with someone else, thinking of a future with someone else.


My mindset changed then. I idealized this girl, suddenly all the doubts i had before were nonexistant, i was stupid to think her flaws were that wrong, she was perfect gotdamit! When she broke up with me my mind turned her into the perfect girl, the one chick in the world who i couldnt get with but also the best girl i could ever get with. "What the fuk was i thinking letting her go?".


I think you are oding the same bro no matter how old are you. You are idealizing her, even if you are older the mind plays these tricks on you. You didnt marry her for a reason, give your past self some credit FFS, at least give your past self the benefit of the doubt. Trust me i too was DAMN sure that i was going to marry this girl if she ever took me back, but i only hurt her more by taking her back. Only wasted more of her time.

I know how you feel right now i was there just one year ago. The feelings still hurt me a lot, that heartbreak still comes back to me randomly to hurt me, even if im with her now, still get sad as fuk for those dark months i went trough. I thought the exact same things as you, and said the same things as you, shes perfect, i fuked up, shes the one for me, never been more certain about anything else in my life... until you have her again and realize you are an idiot, and the fears you had before breaking up come back again.


Im just telling you this so you chill a bit. Maybe she is a great girl, and maybe you did let her go. But also, the fact that she brutally dumped you and moved on is making things 10000x worse, and is making yourself feel 100000x worse, and you are thinking everything is black or white right now. Its going to be a long journey but eventually you are going to realize that the world didnt end with your decision, and that even if you did make a mistake, **** happens and life gives you more chances. Its not the end of the world bro, you just think it is right now because of how the whole thing happened.

Im just saying, dont be so extreme about things. She wasnt the one back then and she still isnt.lmao, if i sit down with her to discuss my worries shes gonna blow the fuk up, call me all sort of names, tell me she hates me and will block me from every social media. The moment i tell her that i find some flaws in her that have me worried is the moment every fukin thing is done lol.

May not be that bad as you say lol, but jesus i dont know how to go about this whole thing, there is nothing i can do or say or no way to handle this in a way so she doesnt gets brutally hut.Its the same chick brah, we were about 2 years into the RS.Yes, those two red flags have me scared as ****. Ive tried talking about it with her and she has tried fixing it, but she ends up doing it again.


She has severe mommy/daddy issues, they are a fuked up couple and treat her in a fuked up way but she still feels the need to make them proud at all times. Ive heard her countless times scream to the top fo their lungs to them that she doesnt ever want to hear from their fuked up self ever again, that they have made her life miserable, only for a couple of days to pass by and she calls them by "mommy" and "daddy".

Well said.

Yeah, you're right bro. I deserved it.

I'm just calling him Vladicuck for fun, c'mon man, it's the Misc. I don't mean any real disrespect. He swooped in and gave her everything she wanted just when she was most in need. That's not his fault, it's my fault for letting him do it. Even when she started dating him, I wasn't worried, because I thought he had so many red flags. I thought it would never amount to anything. Well, I was wrong.

You're right, it probably doesn't matter anymore, except for the fact that analyzing everything will help prevent me from making the same mistakes in the future. And if somehow Vlaladic.... er, the Russian dude... turns out to be a putz in the end, maybe I'll get second chance some day.

You are right. I am too old and educated to be acting this creepy. First she broke me, which I didn't know was possible. Then I panicked, because there seemed to be only a small window to potentially fix things. I ended up making things worse with my own desperation. I was the kunt here. Lesson learned.

Well put. Call me cocky, but I still think I'm the key to her happiness. The one thing she admitted over the phone was that me and her always had the most laughs. We played off each other perfectly. However, the two of them have linguistic and cultural differences that will probably always be there; that sometimes leads to misinterpreted humor or fights. But it doesn't matter what I think anymore. She has blocked me out, and she controls her own destiny now. I will wait on the sidelines and try to move on while she figures out her life.

You're right, I'm romanticizing the hell out of it. She wasn't perfect, we weren't perfect. But nothing in life is perfect. In looking for perfection, I let something irreplaceable go. Anyway, it's not a bad idea. Focus on the bad instead of the good. Really there wasn't much bad though. It was mostly me avoiding stepping into a future life that I didn't think I wanted. Right now I'm trying to be angry at her, but that only lasted a few days. I can't be angry at her, only myself.

Anyway, thanks for the post bro, and spitting some truth ITT. Repped.

Amen to that bro.



From now on

Thanks man. You are right. But I was slowly moving towards her position. I wanted to compromise. If we had communicated better, the compromise probably would've been worked out a lot quicker. Heck, if she would've given me an ultimatum, that probably would've helped a lot. But she just silently snuck out the back door. By the end, I was on her side, but she had already forced me out of her heart. It's a tragedy and I only wish I would've acted with more urgency.

I thought I was doing the right thing. But now I think I was doing the selfish thing. I never thought I would lose her. I will do the right thing next time.

Yes, it makes finding people easier... crazy people. Definite danger zone material.



Social groups? No, I'm actually not familiar with those. Are you talking about meetup.com or something similar? I've seen that site but never signed up, I'll check it out.

[QUOTE=brothoven post_id=1543254541]Yes, it makes finding people easier... crazy people. Definite danger zone material.

[img]https://i.ytimg.com/vi/R_USJCTIgs4/maxresdefault.jpg[img]

Social groups? No, I'm actually not familiar with those. Are you talking about meetup.com or something similar? I've seen that site but never signed up, I'll check it out.[/QUOTE]Like mixed social sport groups or similar.
Unless you're horribly disfigured a guy with your credentials and potential earnings should have very little issues attracting attention from eligible women.

Your ego has taken a hit and your confidence might be at a bit of a low, work on that and you'll have no worries at all.

Lulz.

Meetup is one of them. Do you have any interests and hobbies that you are willing to share with others?

You are right, man. Why can't women just ****ing tell you how they feel? She did get somewhat distant before pulling the plug on me, but she insisted she was just busy with school and work. I still believed all the things she said to me, because she never once indicated that she felt differently... all the way up until she dropped the hammer.

Ouch, sorry to hear that bro. I feel your pain. They leave and never come back. Moral of the story - never listen to a damn word a female says.

Well you sure as hell don't want to do that. Better break her heart then have both of you live a lie.

Damn man, whenever I hear you talk about it, it sounds almost exactly like my situation. My ex was so submissive, she would do anything for me. If I literally knocked on the ground and started walking all over her, she would apologize for not being more comfortable to walk on. It was like this for years. Then she monkeybranched the hell out of me. I got bitchslapped to oblivion by a damn branch.Lmao. ****. It's almost like you're reading my mind. Bloody hell.Fuk. You might be right bro. I'm definitely idealizing her. I'm definitely putting her on a pedestal. I realize that now. It's just that her best qualities were so damn good, it seems downright criminal to let them go. And it sounds like you know exactly what I'm talking about. Nothing else seems to matter. And my past self had doubts... that's true... but my past self also couldn't let her go, becuz he knew how damn great she was in so many ways. So my past self had hunches in both directions, and just couldn't choose.

So bro, what happened once the two of you got back together? Did you regain the chemistry right away? Did you ever reach the level of happiness that you had before the breakup? Or was it always different and not quite the same? I'm curious how this all played out. And yeah, I'll never completely get over this breakup, even if we get back together someday. There will always be a huge ****ing scar where they stabbed us in the heart. You don't forget when somebody throws you in the trash.

Alright man, I'm trying to chill. And she was a great girl. And I did let her go. But at the same time, she did turn into a monster and fuk me over by the end. I'm starting to accept that she's gone, but I still can't quite accept that she wasn't the one. But I guess maybe if she was the one, the universe will correct itself. Perhaps Vladicuck will run off with Slootiana and she'll be forced to beg for me to take her back, lol.

Well honestly bro, if that's true, that's all you need to know that she isn't the one. And I seriously think that giving her a chance to improve herself would be much better than just telling her you can't marry her, point blank. At least this way, you still leave the door open, and if she freaks out and blows it all up herself, well you can't say you didn't try.

But I can see how it could be crazy intimidating either way... she's going be devastated no matter what you do. Tough call, bro. Just don't marry her unless she changes. I feel bad for her, but it'll be the best for both of you to end it now if you're heart's not in it. You can't change the past, but you CAN prevent yourself from ****ing up the future. Don't make an irreversible life decision based on guilt. Be honest with her, and if she doesn't like it, so be it.

Not a bad idea, brah. Never tried sports groups but it's worth taking a look at. Has it ever worked for you? Not disfigured thankfully but my degree is in the arts, so the earning potential is actually not impressive. More prestige than anything.

But you're right bro, it's all about working on self-improvement from here.

Of course. Sports, hiking, games, etc. I play piano. Any advice on where to go with this? Meetup looks decent, I joined some groups, but honestly there's only a few people going to most of the events. 5 people, 8 people, etc. Maybe it's just my area.

if a girl is pushing marriage on you then she doesnt really love you. she wants money

lol, what

Lol... because if at first you don't succeed, try try again?

Nah actually when I met the ex, I was a graduate assistant and a student in the program myself. Now I'm an adjunct professor. Definite no-no at this point.

Nicklol
Virgin
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 33,586

Bro. As long as you don't get #metoo'd, you should go for it. Life is too short.

I think it’s more likely he’ll lose his job by abusing position of power

Education employment can be fierce in some countries and he’s european

That's true, but I spend a lot of time in academia, and I have seen it firsthand, and it is extremely common. As long as both parties are okay with it, and there is no sign of impropriety, it's not a big deal. (It's frowned upon, but it happens a lot.) Just don't date a student WHILE they are taking your class lol. It's especially common with adjuncts/tas and undergrads. You rarely see it with professors though. They have way too much to lose. Although I did hear of one associate professor in a biology department who enjoyed going out for drinks with the ladies, and probably banged quite a few students lol. He was a Chad.

Lol.


Maybe 30-40 years ago but women make their own $$$ now and have good professions. Most women will gladly choose the ONS + FA lifestyle over what you are implying.

Do you have any female friends?

I mean, I used to work on the main campus, where I also taught and took classes. Finished up there a few years ago. Now I teach at the regional campuses. They're like little community colleges. They're just buildings where I walk in and teach gen eds to a bunch of freshman and then go home. Don't meet anybody.

Notice I took none of this into account as I let my little lady ride off into the sunset. I've never had trouble meeting women before. Pride comes before the fall.

Haha no can do bro. I've already made enough mistakes for one lifetime. Don't need to ruin my career as well.Yeah, it's just something you don't want to mess with, especially in this day and age. I'm not European though. But competition is just a fierce here in the states. There's actually a glut of PhDs at the moment, and colleges are cutting back on full-time positions and hiring more adjuncts instead.

You're right, it does happen. Actually, one of my ex-girlfriends moved away to get her Masters Degree in Texas, and she ended marrying one of her professors there. But like you said, while it might not be strictly forbidden, it is usually frowned upon. My guess is that professor was already tenured, so he was pretty safe. As for myself, I'm going to need letters of recommendations some day, so I don't need any frowns. You're playing with fire, especially if you go out of your way to start doing it.

And lol, sounds like Dr. Chad was tenured and just living the good life at that point.

In my case, it had nothing to do with money. We're academics, neither of us had much money. It had everything to do with her being a traditional Catholic girl with traditional female dreams. She didn't even care much about the wedding, she wanted to keep it simple and inexpensive with a small group of family and friends. But marriage is a sacred union according to her beliefs, otherwise we would be living in sin. And she needed that lifetime commitment and a promise of stability for our future children.

In what world do you think "I really really like this person. I don't mind letting her go bang some dudes for a year and assume it'll all be ok in the end". I don't mean to rub salt into the wound, but even if she didn't marry this guy... how can you be ok to decide to let her live a life with another person while basically you were together? Sounds completely cuck tbh