Sorry to hear that, I obviously know the feeling. How long were you two together? At least you gave it plenty of chances to work, and it sounds like it just wasn't meant to be. Was it really necessary to block him though? Seems like the standard girl move these days.

If she didn't meet Chadkovsky, she would've surely given me a second chance. But somehow in this big whirlwind we call life, as we were both busy with our respective lives 3000 miles away, she managed to come to peace with cutting me off and moving on with him. Her mother would've been in her ear the whole time, pushing her to drop me, and it sounds like she finally gave in. Her high school mentor would've been doing the same thing... he was very protective of her and called me "feckless" for not committing fully to her (I saw it in one of her e-mails). I think her dad and brothers liked me. But those weren't the voices in her ear. Combine the advice of her mom and HS mentor (her two best friends) with all the nagging little doubts in her head, and she decided not to give me that chance.

Gave you a rep to lift your broken heart.

I meant "funny" strange, not "funny" haha. And that is your opinion. Most of the people I have talked to don't think I threw her away. And few in this thread have said that either. It's mostly you. Your opinion is simply that, an opinion. I do value it, but that does not make it fact, either.

I don't feel amused at all. I think you completely misinterpreted my post, and now you're attacking me for it.

Male and female perspectives often differ. Happens to be a fact of life. This is not a secret to anybody.

All of the Russian joking is just in good fun. There is no angst towards him. I've never even met the guy. This is the Misc, stop taking things so goddamn seriously. This guy found what he wanted and for now, he has it. Props to him. At the same time, there's a reason his first marriage failed and he abandoned his kids in Russia to go chase this girl in a foreign country. Just because he's winning now doesn't mean he, or her for that matter, will win in the end. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

Obviously I haven't moved on, but I am trying

We'll see what happens

I like you rabbit but you're getting a little aggressive here, and you always like to make me look like an *******

yo brah

I talked to you about this a while back...dunno if you remember me.

Stay strong. You're gonna make it. Forget about her and Chadimir.

Yo bro, of course I remember you, you're a titan of the misc. I even quoted your sig a while back.

Anyway man, I've been getting better but I just had a moment of weakness recently. Needed to talk it out with my Misc bros again a lil. But I'll be fine. Thanks for the support brah.

Haha, thanks. We dated for a couple years and then were “together” together for 4 years. I don’t know about other women, but I blocked him for my own sanity so I wouldn’t try and get back together when I knew it wasn’t going to work. So, it’s doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with hating/disliking him, just that my life goes off the rails every time I hear from him and I can’t move on.

Also sounds like you and your girl are younger than me, so I get why you might not have been ready. But I’m in my 30s and I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to start a life together

I <3 you too *******. You seem like a nice guy irl so I think you’ll make it bruh.

I know a lot of couples who have been together for years, like 10+, and they’re not married or even planning it yet. They know they’re together and for each other only so having a piece of paper which says you’re married doesn’t seem to matter to them.

You dodged a bullet bro. I know it doesn’t feel that way right now cos for us guys, heartbreak/emotions and everything else in between is hard to deal with because we aren’t taught or maybe shown how to handle it.

Not sure what else to say that hasn’t already been mentioned. But get yourself together when you’re ready bro and move forward trying to enjoy life and everything it has to offer.

Hope you feel better soon x and I’ll rep back once off spread



*******

Wow, so yours was about the same as mine. All things considered, mine was about 6 1/2 years (4 years together, plus a year before and year and a half afterwards). That is a long time, especially for it to all fall apart at the end. I feel your pain. Has he tried to contact you since? I think your blocking makes a little more sense since you gave him an ultimatum and he still didn't following through.

I'm in my 30s, she's in her mid 20s. I technically should've been ready a few years ago, but I'm a late bloomer. Still setting up my career. I'm currently a doctoral student (finishing up my PhD) and I have a part-time job as an adjunct professor. Once I finish up, I'll be ready to get a full-time job, house, etc. and start adulting.

Haha thanks brah. I appreciate the kind words.

I agree, marriage is just a piece of paper and a strong commitment is all that counts. However, with my girl being a conservative Catholic, to her marriage is a holy union and is required so you don't live life in sin. We were already having sex, which is a sin outside of marriage, so I'm sure she was rationalizing that it was OK since we would be married soon. Honestly, I probably would've stayed by her side forever, with or without marriage, it's just some of the other issues that made everything go to hell.

Definitely doesn't feel like it right now, but I hope so bruh. She's changed over the past year... and not for the better. Wouldn't be surprised to see her pop out a couple kids with and then end up alone when TchaiCUCKsky goes back to Russia to chase a younger woman.

And thanks chithead, I'll be looking for that rep

A girl needs "no contact" to try to recover emotionaly.

Thanks my dude. You're right, the denial stage was a real bitch. I was too blind to see that I was in denial at the time, I thought I was just in shock. Actually, the denial is gone but the shock is still there.

Thanks for that link, I read this one and the first three stages nailed it:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...lection=162644

Here's the first 3 stages.

--------------

1. Desperate for Answers

The drive to know is consuming and can come at the expense of rational thoughts and behaviors. You must understand why this happened, maybe beyond anyone’s ability to explain it. You fixate on things your ex said at various times that you see as contradicting the breakup, and you hold onto them now as if they are gospel. Yet somewhere within, you have moments of clarity, too. You likely swing back and forth between foggy disbelief, the daily, moment by moment rediscovery of the magnitude of your loss, and flashes of painful clarity that of course it’s over. The pain, disorganization, and confusion can become all you think about, or talk about. But initially, you remain driven to understand what happened, at any cost. The desperation to make sense of something so jarring compels you to debate friends, family, coworkers, even strangers, about why the relationship ended, while you justify to them the reasons it shouldn’t have, as if convincing them it is equal to convincing your ex.

2. Denial

It can’t be true. This isn’t happening! You just cannot be without your ex. It feels like you’ve put everything you are into this relationship. It’s been your world, your life. You cannot accept that it’s over. You funnel every last hope into saving it, even at the expense of your well-being. You postpone your need to grieve its end, because it’s just too painful to face. In so doing, you temporarily derail the grieving process by replacing it with unrealistically inflated hope that the relationship can still be salvaged.

3. Bargaining

You are willing to do anything to avoid accepting it’s over. You’ll be a better, more attentive partner. Everything that’s been wrong, you’ll make right. The thought of being without your ex is so intolerable that you will make your own pain go away by winning him or her back, at any cost. Of course, you’re not logical at this point (and probably shouldn't be operating heavy machinery). You are standing on the edge of what feels like an abyss, trying not to fall into the unknown. You cling to any hope you can, to prevent yourself from losing what you have come to depend on, for better or worse. However, during this phase, when you promise to fix all the problems between you, you are placing the entire burden of repairing, maintaining, and sustaining a relationship onto yourself. It's as if the responsibility is yours and yours alone to make it work this time. Try your hardest during this phase not to lose sight of the fact that both participants in the relationship contributed to its end. You can’t possibly take responsibility for everything. Somewhere inside, you know that.

Bargaining can only briefly distract from the experience of loss. Reality inevitably comes crashing down, over and over again. Further, when you bargain, you are trying to take responsibility for why the relationship doesn't work, which may give you the illusion that you have control over it, perpetuating the belief that it's salvageable as long as you can just keep performing superhuman acts.

------------

Definitely went through all those stages hard, though they all blended together. Stage 4 is relapse. Well that sure as hell ain't happening, hahaha. Stage 5 is anger. I'm not angry yet, damn. I want to be angry, but I can't yet. So I must still be wallowing in the first three stages. At least the denial is gone, I'm gonna make positive steps from here.

RE: your 2 cents - (1.) Yeah, I said I was going to work on me. And since then, I've spent 90% of my free time sitting in my room, including posting here lol. Need to get the hell of the computer and go live life a little. (2.) Right on. Since the breakup, I've tried desperately to replace her and failed miserably. Each failed relationship just made me feel worse. I can no longer force things, just gotta take it easy and stop trying so hard. I don't do hookups, but I'll focus more on friends and hobbies. Gotta double or triple my gym time too.

Thanks again brah, much appreciated.

Well, they could at least be nice about it and tell you first.

The gist of this situation OP--i only read the first page--is that she cared more about marriage and kids than she did aboutyou. The "casual dating" was her way of transitioning into and building up the courage to drop you. Hence the smiley faces and miss yous for a long period of time.

You got dumped. Hard. You didn't throw her away. She threw you away.

Asking someone to make MAJOR life changes after 4 serious years of a relationship is bullshtt. In all fairness, you crackers should have discussed marriage and kids WAYYY sooner. You both deserve to be happy. But still. I wouldn't abandon someone 4 years down the line just because they didn't want to go along with MY PLANS for our future.

You were committed to her. She wasn't committed to you.



ps, the 5 stages come in random order.

You know, I think you're right bro. On one hand, wanting marriage and kids is a normal thing for a traditional girl, so I can't blame her for that. But still, she made her choice. And she could've worked a lot harder to get us on the same page in that last year. Instead she just withdrew and ran away.

She didn't communicate. For that, she is a coward. In fact, in one of our last conversations, she admitted that she was a coward for not wanting to "talk about negative things." Instead, she just tried to ignore me and hope that our problems would fade away on their own.

I did get dumped, big time. And she used me. First she abandoned me, then she used me, and then she threw me away. Preach.

Just don't tell rabbit, or she might freak.

Lol @ crackers. I never mentioned either of our races, my dude.

But you are damn right bruh. In the end, I was still committed to her. But she wasn't committed to me. She threw me away.

Agreed on the stages, plus some of them can blend together. That list was missing shock, but it looks like she updated that list and expanded it 9 stages, with shock being #1:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...kup-no-1-shock

Best thing for you to do is stop thinking about her bro. You gotta force yourself to stop.

You dodged a bullet. Upon marriage, bait and switch is much more difficult to resolve.

It's so interesting to hear the other side of the story. It makes me feel bad. I don't think I did this to my guy. We talked about what we wanted from the beginning, it just never happened. We only saw each other twice a month because of distance and he never tried to change that. I just wanted to be with him, I would have even been happy to just move in together, but no dice. I know I made stupid decisions but so did he. I think both people can either blame each other or blame themselves. It's easier to move on if you blame the other person though.I told him. I though it would be awful to want to get a hold of someone and not be able to, without realizing why.

So I finally made it brahs. Last night I was going through some old convos, which usually isn't a good idea, but then, all of a sudden... something amazing happened. I found an instance where my ex was ripping herself to shreds. At one point, I told her to go get some sleep, so she wouldn't be a vegetable in class the next day. She replied that she was used to it, since she was a vegetable for the entire last year of our relationship. Which was so damn true. But it was really something hearing it straight from the horse's mouth. And then, at one point, she even called herself a "crazy bitch."

Now I've spent the past 4 months trying to convince myself she's a crazy bitch. I've told that to myself over and over and over again. But it hasn't worked. I've always felt like I was just being bitter and lying to myself in order to feel better. No, instead I blamed myself. I thought it was all my fault. Rabbit would be proud.

But now, all of a sudden... this was different. Here she was, her ghostly figure hovering over me... almost as if she had come back from the grave just to tell me something. It was like she speaking to me at that very moment. And she had a message for me.

She told me she was a CRAZY BITCH.

AND THEN. A funny thing happened.

I started to believe it.

Because after all, who would be a better judge of character than...the crazy bitch herself?

So I let that marinate for a little while. And I started to realize it really was true. Yes. She was a crazy ****ing psycho bitch. And my soulmate would not be a crazy ****ing psycho bitch. Thus, by the transitive property of sloots, she was not my soulmate. PERIOD.

I finally came to realize what many of you brahs had told me all along.

I HAD DODGED A ****ING BULLET.

That was the beginning of the end, fellas.

So after that, I took a few more steps to rid this cancer from my life. I realized it was time - exactly four months from the date. The fourth was with me. That crazy bitch never gave me proper closure, but now I was going to find it on my own. But first, I needed some release. One way I get release is from creative activities, including writing and composing music. So I did a little bit of both and ended up with a musical composition and story that detailed my closure process. Once I let everything out, she was gone, and I was done.

I did brah. I pushed her out. We're all gonna make it.

Personally, I felt she could have been less sharp/cutting in her ways. But women feel the clock ticking when it comes to kids.....

Good point. This thing was going to crumble apart eventually, so better now than later.

Nobody was a victim. She screwed up, I screwed up. She did ****ty things to me, I did ****ty things to her. That's how relationships go. That is life. Relationships are 50/50. Rarely does the blame go to one person, although you seem very keen on putting this all on me.

At the beginning, I did some things to push her away. But it didn't have to end there. Then she got distant, stopped communicating, and left me, despite my attempts to patch up our relationship. I wanted to communicate, but she had trouble verbalizing her problems. She usually wanted to avoid them. After she left, I still wanted to work things out, and at first, so did she. But then she changed her mind.

It still could've worked out in the end. But it didn't. Because she tapped out.

So in the end, she threw me away.

Stating the facts does not make me a victim.

The facts are the facts.

Based on what you wrote, I agree. No one was without blame.

Yeah honestly, in your case, I think it just wasn't meant to be. Long distance relationships are tough. Of course you both did stupid things, but in the end, you gave him an ultimatum and he didn't deliver. If he really loved you, he would've been a wreck when you left him. But from the sounds of it, he just kinda let you go. I'm not going to judge him, but from what I've heard, he just wasn't 100% sold on you and he seemingly allowed things to end without a fight. So you made the right decision. It hurts, but you'll find somebody else.And when you told him you were blocking him, how did he react? Was he upset? Again, if he didn't argue or try to change your mind, he was perfectly comfortable letting you go.

Yeah, I definitely think that's at play here. She's feeling her biological clock ticking and she's panicking. She told me as much last fall.

Why are you still thinking about her? She should be ancient history in to you. She should be one among a serial number of women in your life, to the point that she's just a blur in your mind.

That should go without saying, but you seem not have guessed that: humand are prideful beings!!!!!!!!! Especially when they shouldnt be, because humans are the weirdest thing (or because we are too stupid)...

Its humiliating for some (a lot) people to come around to admit "I need no contanct because you affect my emotional health", so they take the easy route. As simple as that.


OP, regardless of you getting back together or not, start a new hobby (like cooking lessons or woodwork??) to aply your energy and let this wave of sadness and resentment pass, otherwise you'll get into a depression. If and when you think you're ready stop trying to rationalize everything you both did, because our minds aren't equations. We may know why people did something or acted that way, but not everything, because even who did it may not know why. But at least learn with what happened (to identify when YOU are in love) so you don't come back to this place later in life. And forgive her and yourself, so you wont get jaded too and ruin your next relationships with the baggage of this one.

Thank you. Repped.

>Makes thread about breaking up with a girl a year ago and still not being over it
>Asks me why I'm still thinking about my ex

A little self-reflection is in order here, good sir.

Nobody's making you out to be a villain, bun buns. Those few comments that I made about you were just tongue-in-cheek. I was just ribbing you a little bit. C'mon Rabbit! I know you have a sense of humor hidden somewhere in there.

We're allowed to disagree. I think that I'm thinking rationally and factually, you think I'm doing mental gymnastics. To each their own.

True but that's the ideal advice. We're both at the point where attempting to reach out to them in any way is futile and will only push them away more, therefore there's no point in devoting any more mental energy towards it.