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Forum » Corporate jargon that pisses you off
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Thread: Corporate jargon that pisses you off

post 1588683421 09-27-2019, 11:03 AM
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Corporate jargon that pisses you off

Newest one: Using "WE" as a passive aggressive way to suggest that "YOU" do something.

"Are we setting that meeting today?"
"Are we sending that out later?"
"Are we fcking ourselves this afternoon for lunch?"

Let's hear 'em, office brahs...
Advocate for the Extinction of Starfish as a Species

You should move to a small town, where the rule of law still exists. You will not survive here. You are not a wolf, and this is a land of wolves now.
post 1588683521 09-27-2019, 11:04 AM
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Please advise?
post 1588683601 09-27-2019, 11:06 AM
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Originally Posted By DanteEdmond⏩
Please advise?
"Please Advise" is the ultimate buck pass.

Translation: "I am asking you to review this so that it is now your responsibility to follow-up and do whatever is needed to get this off my plate."
Advocate for the Extinction of Starfish as a Species

You should move to a small town, where the rule of law still exists. You will not survive here. You are not a wolf, and this is a land of wolves now.
post 1588683631 09-27-2019, 11:06 AM
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Lately it's "MVP" or minimal viable product. Um no, not every tech product should be taken in if it fits MVP.
Thus let me live, unseen, unknown;
Thus unlamented let me die;
Steal from the world, and not a stone
Tell where I lie.

2/17/15 - Dunk Tank Results: 15% bf (Omron said 18.6%) - 123.4 lbs LBM
post 1588683681 09-27-2019, 11:07 AM
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"livin' the dream"

code for wanting to jump off a cliff

"did you get my email?"

yes i got your fukking email, no i did not read it, i have more important **** going on
post 1588683801 09-27-2019, 11:08 AM
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Noun-ing verbs or verbing nouns.

"We're going to adequately resource this project"

"That's a significant spend"

"We're going to hold off on actioning on this"

Also, "bio break." I hear this more and more and it's fuking weird. Humans have needs, and sometimes we need to use the bathroom, and it's okay to say that.
Train hard, train smart, have fun!

"I'm not autistic- I'm ARTISTIC." - etet1919
post 1588683821 09-27-2019, 11:08 AM
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people that go overboard with shortening things

"going forward" is passive aggressive as fuk
Official Misc Straight Crew (90% straight and up)
post 1588683831 09-27-2019, 11:08 AM
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Lean processes
Bench - 375
Squat- 315x5
Dead 405
post 1588683851 09-27-2019, 11:09 AM
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We is a common way to not make people "bitch" too much.

"You're accusing me whaaaaaa - HR."

I tend to refer to the department name rather than the person(s) I am talking about.

"Operations on Job 22201 failed to complete a timely spec analysis in period 3 of quarter one now the billings department is unable to ascertain milestones for subcontractors A1 through D3. The long form will now be necessary for procurement processes on all lead level 3-5 scope processes."
post 1588683861 09-27-2019, 11:09 AM
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i say hi, they say hi how are you? as we pass by in the hallway

let's not do the questions. just hello and keep rolling. please
post 1588683901 09-27-2019, 11:10 AM
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Originally Posted By MuzzieChik786⏩
Lately it's "MVP" or minimal viable product. Um no, not every tech product should be taken in if it fits MVP.
Not in tech, unaware. But using MVP as the antonym to something that sounds like bare minimum acceptable standard sounds right up the alley of corporate assfckery.
Originally Posted By mchabs⏩
"livin' the dream"

code for wanting to jump off a cliff
Just another day in paradise, bro.
Advocate for the Extinction of Starfish as a Species

You should move to a small town, where the rule of law still exists. You will not survive here. You are not a wolf, and this is a land of wolves now.
post 1588684001 09-27-2019, 11:11 AM
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i hope this email finds you well


BRB FKN BLOOD BOIL when i read that chit
I always tell the truth, even when I lie.
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post 1588684021 09-27-2019, 11:11 AM
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Originally Posted By redraider86⏩
Noun-ing verbs or verbing nouns.

"We're going to adequately resource this project"

"That's a significant spend"

"We're going to hold off on actioning on this"
I'm guilty of saying this one. I've said "Make the ask" when I mean "Request it." Like every environment, there's a language to speak, and some are more ridiculous than others.
Advocate for the Extinction of Starfish as a Species

You should move to a small town, where the rule of law still exists. You will not survive here. You are not a wolf, and this is a land of wolves now.
post 1588684121 09-27-2019, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted By Madvillainy⏩
people that go overboard with shortening things

"going forward" is passive aggressive as fuk
The passive aggressiveness is what triggers me. No one has the balls to say what they want anymore due to tighter HR restrictions and the constant threat of liability so we had to invent language to talk around it.
Advocate for the Extinction of Starfish as a Species

You should move to a small town, where the rule of law still exists. You will not survive here. You are not a wolf, and this is a land of wolves now.
post 1588684191 09-27-2019, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted By DropTheBS⏩
I'm guilty of saying this one. I've said "Make the ask" when I mean "Request it." Like every environment, there's a language to speak, and some are more ridiculous than others.
If you said Make the Ask to me - I would just laugh at you. Oh my ****ing god.
post 1588684491 09-27-2019, 11:16 AM
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If you ask me to CC you on something you’ve guaranteed I’m specifically not going to
I don’t want a large farva, I want a goddamn liter of cola

Send In The Clowns
post 1588684521 09-27-2019, 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted By DropTheBS⏩
The passive aggressiveness is what triggers me. No one has the balls to say what they want anymore due to tighter HR restrictions and the constant threat of liability so we had to invent language to talk around it.
This is why I have to be passive aggressive in everything I do and write in the workspace.

Waaaaaaaaah my feelings. He's a male. He's oppressing me.
post 1588684791 09-27-2019, 11:20 AM
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best regards,
timothy
post 1588685141 09-27-2019, 11:25 AM
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"I was only able to fit my hand and some of my wrist up the secretaries arse.... I hoping to go full fist, wrist, and arm next week...












Okay, great, lets "touch base" and "cross that bridge" when the time comes.... Best regards."












In all seriousness, I don't have this issue. If someone tries to speak to me in corporate-autism, I will ask them to just speak to me "in English". Most people deeply despise this "jargon" so if you let it be known you hate it as well, they will just talk to you like a human being. Gotta speak up about this chit MISC Sor you will continue to the get the passive aggressive corporate jargon tossed at you.
Outdoors brah is a purely fictitious persona. Any contextual or graphic creation, opinion, or post made by Outdoorsbrah is not a reflection of real life or reality in any manner, expressed nor implied.

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post 1588685181 09-27-2019, 11:25 AM
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'Hi There,

Just following up on the e-mail request below. Please advise when we might anticipate a response.

Thanks!'
my name is nathan but my friends just call me N word
post 1588685231 09-27-2019, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted By CrookedDink⏩
best regards,
timothy
Even better is the --

Please see the attached:

<img1234.pdf>
<img3455.pdf>

Best Regards,

Timothy

Timothy L. Ramirez IV C.P.A., P.M.P., LL.M.
Company X Company Inc.
Fortune 500 Best Rated Companies
Office: (1)-XXX-XXX-XXXX
Cell: (1)-XXX-XXX-XXXX
Fax: (1)-XXX-XXX-XXXX

Contact us:

1234 Corporate Avenue
San Francisco, CA
94334-5500

Mailing Address:

P.O. Box 1234
Antioch, CA
94531-5007

<font color="#009900" face="Webdings" size="4">P</font><font
color="#009900" face="verdana,arial,helvetica" size="2"> <strong>Please
consider the environment before printing this email</strong></font>

Can you make a longer e-mail footer please? Especially like it when the code fails and they haven't realized it and they send me an e-mail in the wrong format so I can't even see what the **** they sent.
post 1588685251 09-27-2019, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted By DropTheBS⏩
Not in tech, unaware. But using MVP as the antonym to something that sounds like bare minimum acceptable standard sounds right up the alley of corporate assfckery.
It's exactly that. You got it in one.
Thus let me live, unseen, unknown;
Thus unlamented let me die;
Steal from the world, and not a stone
Tell where I lie.

2/17/15 - Dunk Tank Results: 15% bf (Omron said 18.6%) - 123.4 lbs LBM
post 1588685261 09-27-2019, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted By CrookedDink⏩
best regards,
timothy
I see no issue with this one. In fact, I think the bigger issue is the overuse of the word"Thanks."

I'll say thanks if the person I'm emailing actually did something. But if I'm emailing to just offer information, to request information, to answer a question etc -- then what am I thanking this person for?

and "thanks" comes up in so many emails. Some people write it as part of their signature even,
post 1588685341 09-27-2019, 11:28 AM
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When people say "BLUF", like okay sure use it in an e-mail whatever but don't use (lexicon?) in speech. The same as someone saying TL;DR, like STFU and stop adding all the filler information then and get to the point. Such a waste of time.
Ninja Punch Society x2 now
post 1588685391 09-27-2019, 11:30 AM
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I don't know why, but i get really irritated when someone uses "per" in an email.
post 1588685401 09-27-2019, 11:30 AM
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Haha, you're such a rockstar OP, finally a true ninja.

Now let's adopt a horizontal approach in order to enhance effectiveness.
post 1588685571 09-27-2019, 11:32 AM
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Originally Posted By CrookedDink⏩
best regards,
timothy
should hit them back with a

warm, moist regards
post 1588685601 09-27-2019, 11:33 AM
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Might not seem bad to US posters, but 'do a 360' and 'thanks for reaching out' kill me when a UK bro types them.
post 1588685661 09-27-2019, 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted By stevlor⏩
Might not seem bad to US posters, but 'do a 360' and 'thanks for reaching out' kill me when a UK bro types them.
do a 360? do a circle?
post 1588685691 09-27-2019, 11:35 AM
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"We"
"Going forward"
"Please Advise"
"Per my e-mail"
"Need a big month"

I basically despise everything about corporate life except the ease, and air conditioning all day.
6'1 - 240lbs

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