I spent nearly my entire life trying to fix my mom who has BPD. Nothing is ever enough. They will never be happy or satisfied. There is no fixing these people. It’s a deep seated personality disorder and it’s nearly impossible to change someone’s personality. That’s why meds don’t work with this disorder.

how were you planning on "fixing" your mother?

Early on before I knew she had the disorder I would do everything to appease her and make her happy. Everything I could try. As a young adult when I moved out I would always spend time to visit her, talk to her all the time, listen to her constant emotional turmoil and always help her out. Listen to her negativity and try and make her see the positive things. One Christmas I spent $7,000 on gifts for her. She was happy for a day until she went back to her old self.

Later on when I learned about the disorder and it all clicked and made sense, I started talking to her about her childhood trauma and how her mom has BPD. I explained she's at risk for having BPD herself. But if I get near telling her that she has BPD directly she accuses me of bullying her. She's hinted at suicide multiple times. She acknowledges her mom has it and I've sent her articles about BPD to understand her mom (and hopefully herself). I've tried being a psychologist to her and helping her out. Whenever it seems like she's getting better she just goes back again to the borderline behavior. It seems there's no hope.

Anytime I see her now, there's some conflict, manipulation, or guilt. I try and avoid her as much as I can now and mostly just text and answer her calls once in a while.

my mom has bpd as well. can confirm that it is difficult and nothing works. i stopped talking to her long ago.

Its so much easier to breakup a relationship with someone with BPD. Having a mother with the disorder is tough. Any sign of abandonment and she will indirectly threaten suicide. Its taken a big toll on my life and she's getting worse the older she gets. Morphing into her mom who is literally intolerable.

My girlfriend and I are moving out of state but I know she will follow us.

She also dangles a million dollar inheritance in front of me, but at this point I'm starting to not care about the money over the sake of my own mental health and enjoyment of life.

Are all cases of BDP as extreme as what people are saying here? Are people with BDP able to act "normal" for long periods of time (months), maintain normal friendships, etc?

It's really sad.

The empathetic side of me feels really bad for her. She's from a different country, has very few friends or family here and the way she describes her past just makes it seem like everything was so dark and miserable. She also has great attributes like she is brilliant scholar, has a great career, very active into fitness and doesn't drink/party/smoke or use social media. I REALLY wanted to make it work with her. More so, I wanted to be a person who could be there for her and actually make her happy in life in the future so she could leave he past behind.

There is a guilt that I carry even after 3 months of our relationship ending that I couldn't end up being that person for her. And now she just views me as another traumatic person of her past.

It's been a painful process.

Some cases are more extreme than others. But in most cases they do seem relatively extreme and apparent.

Another thing with people with BPD is that I notice they can go from a full-blown tantrum to acting normal/nice in a flick of a switch if they are in the presense of someone else. For example, as a kid, my mom would have a tantrum and be throwing stuff but then suddenly someone she knows would call or knock on the door and she would answer as sweet and lovely as ever. Then when they were gone would resume her tantrum.

They usually hide their behavior in public and only expose it to people they are close with, especially family or children.

What do you get if you have a BPD mom and an NPD dad?

Nothing good. AFAIK you either get a PD of your own or CPTSD.You can't ever be enough because they see themselves as not good enough. She is the only one that can fix herself; and that only if she can recognize what is at the root of her unhappiness and do the work to tackle it.

BPD people are more likely to do that than NPD people. Not an easy process and it is more like being in recovery from an addiction than like being cured of a physical illness.Just do the best you can.

Absolutely true. This is why what is labeled narcissistic abuse is so very miserable.

If you aren't one of the people being abused the person can seem normal and even charming. So then when the discard takes place (or the abused person leaves the relationship) the abuser will often go on the offensive and portray themselves as the victim.

You do not want to have children with someone that is BPD/NPD.

Honestly everyone should read about cluster b disorders to avoid these people for a relationship. Most will never change and will suck your life energy dry like some parasite.

Ditch
Her,
Save
Your
Ass

on a scale of "worstness"...

psychopath > malignant narcissist > BPD > ordninary narcissist > bipolar (aka manic-depressive)

BPD and above are the sort of people who can/will ruin or end your life.

BPD's and NPD's also attract each other. The reason a higher % of miscers have had bad experiences with BPD's is because a higher % of miscers are narcissists than the general public.

Sounds about right

You have to let that go. Understand that she is a broken person mentally and there is no fixing or helping her. She has a personality disorder. You could NEVER be that person for her. Like katya said above, they see themselves as not good enough and she's the only one that can help or fix herself or make herself happy.

Your life comes first. I spent most of my younger life living my life for my mom and trying to help her and appease her, because on the few occasions she can be a great person. But its never enough. Life is too short to live it trying of help someone else with a serious personality disorder. I also spent nearly 3 years in a relationship with a girl who had BPD because I felt sorry for her and didn't want to hurt her and was too scared to end it. I kept convincing myself of her good attributes even though I was miserable and had to walk on egg shells all the time.

watch the movie I smile back with sarah silverman.

The person you feel guilt towards isn't real. She never existed. BPD's are empty vessels. They fill themselves up with other peoples' opinions, hobbies, values, etc. It's the idealization phase when everything you do is perfect and every opinion you have is the same as hers and you're the perfect guy for her and even though she has only known you for 3 days, she's already planning a wedding and children with you. That phase pulls you in. You think that person is real, but she isn't. It's the cheese in the mousetrap. That's all.

Do people with bipolar self harm?

Yes, in the depressive stages they can self-harm and become suicidal.

Whereas someone with BPD, will usually threaten self-harm or suicide in a reactive way. It could be as extreme as not answering their text fast enough or the notion of you abandoning them.

You feel this way because you have normal human emotions. But this is simply not true. They have a chance, you have given them a chance, probably many. If you keep thinking like this you will wake up at 55 one day wishing you left when you were 31 and thinking of all of the things you could have done while you were still young and were not kept emotionally captive by this person.

The problem I had and the reason I stayed with mine for so long was because I kept separating those emotions from the actual person. You need to realize they are the same, all of those negative emotions are part of that person as a whole and who they are. Although you can feel sympathy for anybody who struggles emotionally, do not let your own life be ruined by your sympathy for another, you are also not doing them any favors by staying, if anything it is just enabling that type of behavior.

The choice I made to leave for good, mentally and physically move on, and block them from every form of contact possible, was the best decision of my entire life. It's been years now, but back then I remember feeling how I could never move on from it, how I'd feel terrible forever if I left, etc. Now I can honestly say if that person was wiped off of the face of the earth, I wouldn't even care.

That's how I see it. They are literally empty vessels and seem to operate solely off the brain stem (reptilian brain). There's no real sense of self with them. No real true authentic relationship.

The amount of gaslighting they do, rapid idealization to devaluation, and constant emotional manipulation is neverending.

Jesus

yes, it is mostly all bad. and the facade will fade. but they are able to act. it is a dangerous situation to involve yourself in.

And they are able to act well. From what I noticed, I can't really sense anything authentic about them once you see how they can switch acts between people in a split second. Blows my mind.

In a new relationship, they can easily hide all the signs of BPD but they will slowly start to reveal themselves.

Yeah, that's why so many miscers are warning other miscers about them. The idealization phase feels amazing. It's a trap though. Even if you know it's a trap, it can be hard to resist. You've likely never had anyone in your life stroke your ego like BPD's can and the sex is usually the best you've ever had.

They're not evil. I feel empathy for them. It's just they're just completely and utterly broken and unfixable and the worst of them can and will wreck you.

like seriously we are warning you all for a reason. these traits need to be recognized because getting involved with someone with this condition, unfortunately, could very likely end in disaster for you.

like I am all for giving the benefit of the doubt, etc. and seeing the best in people (my job revolves around this,) but as a man and not a therapist, i am telling you:run, dont walk, in the opposite direction of those who have bpd.

The idealization is phase is crazy. If its over the top that's usually a sign. I remember my ex worshipping me like a God. Would constantly tell me how handsome I was, would shower me with compliments, buy me gifts, take me to hockey games, buy me clothes, and everything.

I have nothing useful to say but i fukin lold at ur avi

This thread has really made sense of my recent experiences, thanks guys

Edit: When I first started reading I thought some of you were just been insensitive dicks, but now it all adds up the more I think about it