How do you deal with a family member who chit talks you behind your back then acts nice to your face. Like you know 100% they chit talk you, but are civil to you to your face but you see it in their face they dislike you/jealous?

They're like energy vampires too, they will drain you with their emotional dumping then chit talk you for zero reason behind your back.

Be civil? Be cold? Be neutral? Be short/concise?

Getting into any discussion with them feels like a mistake and regret it every time.

get drunk
call them a piece of shiit
problem solved?

That kind of chit works in the moment sure, but it will echo.

I have separated myself from my family geographically, and hardly interact with any of them.

When I do go home, which is seldom, the first bit of BS that pops up (which will happen the first day I’m there), I make it clear that is why I do not have a significant relationship with them. Beyond that, I do not participate in it. As I scheduled the return flight only three or four days after arriving, I will be gone soon. Probably for another 5-10 years unless there is a death or something.

How do I deal with it? Easy, I simply don’t participate in it. Despite what GoT and the hardcore “God, Family, Country” cult would have you believe, you actually don’t have to make unnecessary personal sacrifices for people you didn’t choose to be in a relationship with, who are trash and care about bringing you down to their level.

It isn’t my problem.


Edit: Rajc got it.

Thank you, that is a solid post and advice. Do you have any of them on social media etc? What kind of chit do they try to rope you into, if you don't mind me asking?

I don’t do the ********s or anything. My girlfriend has some of them on her ********, but she ended up blocking some of them. I do have a good relationship with my sister. She is an awesome person and grounded. My two brothers, and any other family members however....

When the opportunity arises, I do speak as directly with them about their behavior as I am now with you. They acknowledge their very public and unfiltered inappropriate behavior. Last time I went home, while having a conversation like this one with my younger brother, I introduced him to the idea of cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectic behavioral therapy. He seemed open to it. I bought both of us some literature on it, including a very detailed workbook. We discussed the context of CBT/DBT and then turned the words into action through practical exercises, and thought experiments. He seemed to appreciate it and I was able to get him to focus and apply himself for a while. It took a while, but he went back to his usual antics. I should reengage. He seems to want it. Imagine how bad it must suck to observe the person you call “I” behave in a way that you don’t appreciate, but no matter how low that behavior brings you, you just can’t change it. Being human is to be insane. While most of us don’t have it that bad, we still have it to a degree. Just constantly searching for the next dopamine rush. Drugs, alcohol, spending money, unhealthy sexual behavior, gambling, porn, food, etc. While we do these things, we tell ourselves we need to stop, but can’t. We are all insane.

The biggest thing is they always seek out and seem to crave conflict. There is absolutely undiagnosed behavioral issues such as borderline personality disorder. Which makes me feel bad for them, obviously. It isn’t like they chose to have these predispositions. However, they are old enough that self awareness, personal accountability and responsibility really should have kicked in by now.

We had a really chitty childhood. A lot of alcohol and drug use by the whore of a biological mother, and then pretty extreme mental, emotional, and physical abuse when my dad and step mother got custody. I’m sure that played a significant role in our development.

Most of the toxic behavior is just unnecessary conflict. A bunch of “nothing” fights just because of boredom or whatever. This is how they live. To be clear, I am not better than anyone. I’m not trying to be judgmental or claim superiority. I just have no desire for that kind of nonsense. I’m much more focused on goals, self improvement, meaningful relationships, effective and productive communication and so on. Instead of labeling things “good” or “bad”, which are just subjective and ambiguous values we assign things after the fact, I try look at in terms of healthy and unhealthy. I am not better than them at all, but I do feel my behavior is more healthy than theirs. When we interact with each other, they simply continue to behave unhealthy, with no desire to change, or to stop trying to drag me into their unhealthy behavior.

I know I was all over, but I think that answered all your questions.

Feel free to respond candidly and just put down whatever thoughts you have about my situation, or how any of this can apply to you. I hope this stuff can help if only to a small degree. I can always use help myself, so any other perspective is appreciated.

Amazing point talking about 'healthy' and 'unhealthy', I think I will adapt that frame of thinking. Very comprehensive and in depth answer that I appreciate a lot. Cheers mate, and glad to hear you've figured out how to deal with these family members accordingly.
I don't care as much as I used to, I'm still inclined to worry about what people think/say about me, to a lesser degree than I used to; as I'm still building who I am, I find my self further from that side of my self. I do catch my self wanting to exhibit similar behavior, like wanting to indulge in chit talking also because I am around it so often, it is an addictive habit because you do garner a feeling of release when you do indulge in it. I'm making an active effort to really stay away from that behavior. It's not a matter of changing over night because that is impossible, but being mindful when I am thinking it and even observe my self when I am doing it. Solid insight Ape, as usual brah.

nc. or move out and then nc. people won't change.

Distance yourself and detach.

Its like having gangrene. Cut thaf chit off or else it'll take a limb first, then your life next (metaphorically). How much of yourself are you willing to give to it?

Family may be family, but that doesn't mean theyre your friends, nor are you indebted to them or have to cater to them/put up with their chit.
Be civil, but have your distance.

When I have one family member get a little crazy on me, I NC them until they calm down--then re-engage cautiously with half effort/investment.

Grey rocking is a good skill to learn. The more consistently boring you are, the less they're inclined to try and engage you.

You can read more here:https://lovefraud.com/the-gray-rock-...h-psychopaths/

Note that it's not just for dealing with actual psychopaths, you can use it for anyone who falls on the Highly Difficult People spectrum.

Also agree with IronManlet's idea about short visits, and I'll also add that staying at a hotel can be helpful. It's also nice to plan a thing a few hours into your visit so that you can physically remove yourself. Getting coffee, going for a walk, calling a friend are all perfect reasons for you to get away, they don't need to know the specifics about your plans.

Also, scripts. Whatever you know your family digs into, have a couple of well-rehearsed phrases that you can fall back on.

Sorry to hear about the family situation, it's challenging.

Best approach is be direct and straightforward if you have an issue.
Now this doesn't mean you have to be super confrontational/aggresive/combative/argumentive ect - when you are blunt but polite when being so people tend to be more receptive - want to get your point across without putting them on the defensive. Every case is different though and occasionally there is someone you just can't deal with. Don't go the passive aggressive route either, that is for women and soyboys.

Sarcastic remarks.
I would try not to confront directly.
Just when the opportunity arises say something snidy that shows you know they talk behind your back and that will calmly put them in their place.
I wouldnt go NC unless it is really affecting you mentally, talking behind each others back is a common thing to do, but you know your limits.

Def Nc. Even if u have to sit in the same room at thanksgiving, make no eye contact and try to completely ignore them.