Been dating for 5 years, first 4 years she was always chasing/obsessed with me. I never had a care in the world what she was up to and was confident in our relationship, she was on the other side always checking in/obsessed with me/always craving me having sex. I had a stable career for the past 3 years and she finally graduated college and started working this summer. Ever since that point she has been so distant/irritable and now I am the one chasing. I am lucky if she wants to have sex like twice a month compared to whenever possible earlier in our relationship. It seems like she prioritizes going out with her friends over spending time with me.

Lately it feels like she is finally coming around, likely due to a lot of my buddies GF's mentioning to me how she's been acting so selfish/egotistical lately, for example my buddy and his GF will always be hanging out on the weekends and I'll be sitting there 3rd/5th wheeling. She works a lot of the weekends but on the ones that she doesn't she will likely be out with her friends, majority of whom are single. I put up with it for awhile but one of my buddy's GF's mentioned to me that I should be her first priority and she's doing me wrong...I put up with it for awhile then confronted her about it and she claims I am being "overbearing" because she lives at home about an hour from work and needs to balance her home life/me/her friends.

Should I continue chasing or just act like I don't give a fuk? There are a lot of theories on the "rubberband effect" where the party who gives less of a **** will no longer be chasing (the other party bounces back like a rubberband). She is a great person just not as caring as she used to be. I am definitely putting more of an effort into the relationship but it has been tearing me apart. Is this just a normal phase of a relationship? I've been getting a lot more paranoid with what she is doing in her free time but it feels like I need to not give a fuk. She truly is not the type to cheat, very loyal person and raised well and I do trust her, but people who have dealt with their SO being more distant does it ever bounce back? We had a great night last night but it was the first time in awhile.


EDIT: Irrelevant information, but I am the one out of her league which changes the dynamic. A bunch of my buddies say I can do better but I am not obsessed with looks and would rather be the one with the upper-hand looks-wise. I get hit on a lot more than she does which always keeps her on her toes at social events as fukked up as that sounds. I'd hate for it to be the other way around and will probably never date out of my league for that reason

no pics huh?

Nahh, not posting pics of my GF on her. Bring on the negs I have more dignity than that

The beginning of the end, cut your losses and move on

If she is suddenly not interested in you, it's because someone ELSE has her interest - even if it's not completely yet. You think when she's out with the girls there aren't other guys there they're all flirting with? She's seeing what she's missing and now she's designing an exit strategy (the distancing, claiming she's stressed, etc).

She's feeling around for other branches before swinging. This is how women operate, you just don't want to admit it to yourself yet. It will end soon.

suit yourself pal

Benefit of the doubt though, her life has drastically changed in the past few months with a high-stress job and very long commute. It would be ignorant to not at least consider that having an effect on our relationship, no matter how against misc theory that is

Srs reply.

It is a normal part of a relationship, but it is the end of the relationship. Long term Relationships tend to last about 6 months longer than they should due to people being too invested to break up when they need to.

It sounds like she is clearly checked out from the relationship. I know it’s hard to accept, but it really doesn’t sound like there’s any coming back from this, and you guys are in deferent places in your lives now.

The only thing missing from your story is how old you are/ when you started dating.

But most women are only really willing to stick around for 2-3 years before the man moves to propose/ get married. But most men don’t care how long it takes or even that they’re with the right person, most men only want to get married when they feel they are personally ready.

It sounds like you were too young to see yourself taking that next step (which is fine, you shouldn’t rush into things) and she might be holding that against you.

It’s also possible now that’s she’s out of school etc, she’s just not into the relationship any more, looking for something different.

But imo, it doesn’t really matter. It’s clear she’s emotionally checked out, and she’s going to lash out ( ie cheat on you and make sure you find out about it) to force you end the relationship.That is true, but if she was really still into you, she would be LOOKING to you to support her during this time even more now, not avoiding you.

Think back to all the stresses she had In her life during the Good times... didn’t she always come to you with them, not avoid you? See what I’m saying?







Side note:

If I were running a science experiment, and I were to give you advice on the only thing I think I could work to save your chances would be this:

Attempt to break up with her first. Srs. Don’t try to tell her to change, don’t try to fix yourself for her, don’t try to fix the situation.

Just tell her you’re not feeling the chemistry that you initially Had, and you think you should see other people.

A) she will accept the break up, because she wants to break up anyways.

B) she will beg you to stay, promise to change, admit she knows she’s Been distant etc. and then you will have the power in your hands. She’ll know she’ll lose you if she steps out of line.



That would be the only way to salvage this, but most guys don’t have the stones to pull it off

It's done bro. Women act cold and act super disinterested when they are looking for new cawks to ride or already have someone in the background that you don't know about. She's emotionally detaching from you which women also do before actually breaking up with you.

srs reply

She met someone else and mentally checked out. She just doesn't have the courage to end it. I was there in my early 20s and was fukkin miserable because i chased and chased and chased and ended up hating myself more.

Quit reaching out, focus on yourself

This

And where are pics

Edit:
Everyone above me is a fuking wizard Harry

I’ve had it happen- it means it’s over. Have the talk with her.

^^^^

Sex twice a month

Goodnight sweet prince.


She’s having sex more then that. But you are not.

Let that sink in.

Also, 5 years is a long time. Are you staying together forever? Do you have any future plans? Females don't want to "date" forever. If you don't want to put a ring on her eventually you might want to let her go

Repped. Been through points A and B very recently and since then things have been more on-track. She finally started initiating again/making longer-term plans (we have a trip planned for over New Years). Things are still not back to where they were, but they are better. I brought up that my main concern is that I never chill with her friends but I always invite her out. Things have been rough with Covid with my friends being very distant while hers are not so that's just an external issue making it way easier for her to find things to do than it is for me.

Her excuse for not inviting me is that it's just "the girls" which is definitely plausible, I know her friends pretty well and they do this very often. There has only been one occasion when it wasn't and she didn't invite me but it kind of morphed from "just the girls" into a houseparty. She still comes to me with her work issues and other issues but for more personal things is feels like her friends are the main frontline (probably typical for a young-20's chick who is glued to social media constantly)


My whole take on it lately has been that I am going to make myself the best fukking version of myself as I can breakup or no break-up. If she leaves, I'll be halfway through that transformation process rather than just starting over at the breakup like most guys do. Aside from obsessive social media usage, though, she is a different breed of loyal that is hard to find in young women. I know her well enough to say that. I honestly think she is just oblivious to what she is doing and just chooses the most "fun" option in her free time due to FOMO.

I know shes not. She lives with parents and I know where she is when she's not there. Her birth control decimated her sex drive (srs). I know her well enough and through conversations she's had with some of my friends GF's to know this is true.

We do, but that 5 years stretches way back into college. We have both discussed we don't want to push it to the next stage until we are both stable. I'm trying to buy a house, she's just settling into her job and lives with her parents. We both want more stability before that.

Are you buying it without including her?

Most of my friends with partners ended up buying apartments with their significant after some time.

We have discussed that, problem is we both fukking hate living downtown and her job is as downtown as it gets. I plan on buying a house individually in a close suburb and she comes and go as she pleases but with how awful her commute is I doubt she moves in. Plausible, but doubtful. Will likely get an apartment downtown for nights that she works. Her job has created an odd fukking dynamic for us

Obviously I’m only saying this because I’ve been through it before. The good times and the bad.

When your girl is into( like she was) she wants you around all the time. She wants to show you off to her friends. If a girls night “morphed into a house party” she would beg you to come save her, or she would leave early to go be with you.

Youre a smart guy, but You’re pretending to intellectualize what I’m saying to fool yourself into thinking you’re in control. You’re not in control. The relationship is really likely ending.

If it’s really a chemical birth control issue, she should be going to the obgyn contestantly, to change pills to find one that doesn’t wrek her drive.



I’ve been where you are, the reality is good girls can’t stick around for 5-6+ without an engagement/ marriage. They need to see the relationship progressing.

I’m not saying go out and proposeX I’m just saying you guys are at different places in your lives, and she is checking out of the relationship

Typically ends up this way.

I am being srs when I say she will not be able to do better than me and I think she might be realizing that. I don't think this is the case, I am pretty far out of her League and make way more $$ than other people our age. Who knows. Gonna hope for the best but prepare for the worst

First of all... if you get hit on more than your girl you’re either gay or your girl is a troll. Not even hating, but LOL at girls hitting on a dude more than an above 5/10 girl get hit on by guys.


Regarding her not prioritizing the relationsship and instead is going out with her single friends... That exact situation caused me to break up with a girl many years ago. You’ll have to talk with her about it, why it has become this way etc. and try to figure out a solution that works for both of you.
Fair warning, this is likely the beginning of the end, of the relationsship. Srs.

Your plan about going HAM and being the best you can be in as many areas of your life as possible sounds like a good move.

Lmao seems like you're power playing brah. She may be realising she is better off with someone else more appropriate for her, and by the time she has decided its too late to salvage. Looks or money won't save a relationship long term, and she is at time where she needs to be open for someone to start family with

Why don't you fuking ask her? And no, never chase. It just ends up pushing the other person away even more. Counterintuitive but 100% true. Also all relationships go through up and down periods so just chill the fuk out enjoy your life and stop analyzing **** and being fuking afraid and living in fear. That's where this fuking thread and insecurity came from- fear.

It's not that she's a troll at all but her friends literally call me DiCaprio...no humblebrag but my looks have usually done most of the hard work for me

Sounds like it's run it's course.

Never chase. Wtf, you new here?

Some good replies above. Like the guy who said it's normal, it's over, and all you can do at this point is try and break up with her first.

Welp times to looksmaxx and if it's over it's over. If it's not, I'm just a better version of myself in the same relationship and she begins chasing again

Must be puzzling how she's pulling away from such a catch, have you reminded her lately?