So when I was single I would masturbate to porn all the time. 2-3 years ago, while single, I realized I had an issue and decided to stop, which I did cold turkey.

I have a long distance relationship and during our usual gaps between visits I was bored and horny so I resorted to porn once and that's it.

We get together about a week later and I can't finish but only 1/4 times we have sex during the 3 day weekend so she thinks we have a problem in our relationship because it's never really happened much in the past.

I had no idea why the possibility of that happening may have occurred and I eventually told her that it may be because I watched some porn. She took that super hard.

She doesn't understand why I would've watched porn at all and she felt humiliated and embarrassed that it would be a reason l and that I would rather see someone else naked and get turned on that wasn't her.

She takes sex and love hand in hand and that, admittedly, our relationship was super strong in that department. So she feels betrayed.

This is bringing up a ton of statements we've discussed in the past about what means a lot in relationships or what's good/bad etc... During these discussions we've had the same outlook but the way it's verbalized from myself she tends to take it and hear something different.

Anyway as vague as some of that is... She's flipping out and may want to break up because she can't get past this issue among other smaller ones.

Here is one in particular that has got her reeling: every so often I get phishing texts on my phone like the bots on social media (hey sexy, feeling frisky? Etc...) From random numbers and stuff. She, on the other hand gets hit on blatantly very often by real people who want something else with her.

I've always laughed at both of these and she's laughed at things from her side but she thinks these phishing attempts are now the result from the one website I've visited for 2 minutes weeks ago and it's making her mind go crazy and questioning our relationship.

She's amazing in everything except she allows her mind to go wild when her emotions get a little high.

Am I crazy? Wtf is going on and I'm looking for any and all advice on how to handle this.


Reps

I don't think there's any way you can change the way she thinks besides building her trust up. You can't really change her, she's going to be like that. You could either cut the porn, or start making healthier decisions in your life that keep your libido and test high. Working out, eating right, sleeping well. The point is to either stop watching porn or make it so that your body isn't affected by watching porn. Even if the problem has nothing to do with porn, doing those things would ease her suspicions.

btw, not being able to finish is not bad at all compared to not being able to get hard.

Aside from that one single incident in the last 2-3 years I've not watched porn.

I work out, eat right and am healthy and that's another great thing that we have in common. She does the same.

I've not ever had a problem getting hard and in the past maybe 2 times have not finished. My rationale on this is the first time I couldn't finish - no idea. Second time I finished. She made some comments about maybe we're having a shift in the relationship and something about having bad sex which I took as a lot of pressure which made the other attempts that much harder to finish.

I've told her the incident had nothing to do with how i see her or feel or anything. It had nothing to do with her at all to be honest.

She has a propensity to catastrophize when her emotions are high - it's how she is and it sucks but I try to talk her off the ledge all the time.

If she wants to break up because you watched porn once or because you get phishing spam from cam girls, consider it a bullet dodged.

I seriously doubt watching porn once is causing your performance issues. If you do that all the time and get desensitized to it, then, yeah, it can become a serious problem when you're with actual real women, but once in the last three years? Not buying it.

It's the only difference I could think of and we were both looking for an answer so that's what I came up with.

Finishing has never been a problem with the hundreds of times before so I figured she was right and something was amiss and had to find an answer.

At this point I figure it would've been better off not saying anything.

She's ready to leave you over watching porn once and some scam texts, lmao...

She sounds like a controlling nut job to me

Read up on insecure attachment. It sounds like your gf is an anxious attachment style. My wife is as well.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articl...%20tells%20mbg.

Anxious attachment style is when a person has low esteem and believes they are not worthy of the person they are with. In mild cases (like my wife), it manifests through constantly fearing worst case scenarios about the relationship, which sounds a lot like what you are dealing with as well. In more severe cases, the person becomes super clingy because they are afraid something bad will happen if they let you out of their sight. It sounds like your gf is not this bad.

The other insecure attachment styles are:

Avoidant. Opposite of anxious, these people believe that others are not worthy of relationships with them. This is like what underlies narcissistic personality disorder.

Fearful-Avoidant. Both anxious and avoidant at the same time. People are seriously fukked up like borderline personality disorder and largely incapable of having healthy relationships.

Her previous relationship was an abusive disaster and that was right after coming out of an amazing marriage where unfortunately the husband passed away unexpectedly.

She's highly successful and everything but she holds onto these things she's learned in her abusive relationship and i believe is always comparing and analyzing to not let that happen again and every tiny bad thing or what she perceives as bad is immediately a possible red flag due to her allowing her abusive relationship only continue and her confusion as to why she let that happen. I'm getting the fallout it seems. At least in my perspective.

You're right with the constantly fearing the worst in a relationship part though.


She

I dated a girl when I was younger and our entire relationship was built on drinking and fuking. We would watch porn all the time but she changed, she thought it was degrading to women and didn't think it was right for either of us to watch. We broke up and I found out later she was fuking a married dude. I guess priorities changed for her. lol

yeah dude, just don't tell her next time. She's being unreasonable for just connecting dots to one incident in the last 3 years. You can afford to be a little unreasonable yourself by just not telling her. If she's a reasonable person with reasonable expectations and reactions, then I would suggest against lying or hiding things, but clearly she can't handle them reasonably.

All of these insecure attachment types have some sort of foundation in abuse or mistreatment or trauma. Often it's in childhood, but I guess the trauma of losing one husband and then being in an abusive relationship immediately afterwards could trigger it as well. You just need to recognize what's going on and keep that perspective of how she is going to interpret your behavior within the bounds of anxious insecure attachments. I've lived with it for 28 years. My wife is an awesome person. As long as it's just a personality quirk and not manifesting as crazy, you can adapt to it pretty easily.

This you OP?

Lmao I watch pron Infront of GF then she usually gets turned on and starts jacking me off which always leads to smex

Ouch. That sucks man. Sorry to hear that but as long as you didn't share children and stuff it's a good thing it came out before then!

She also had a rough childhood as well. She has a hard time letting people go as well, even if they were bad. She takes it as a problem she couldn't fix so it weighs on her.

I appreciate the informative posts from you. Thanks man. I'll try and see what I can do to figure it out with her. I'd rather help her than have her fly off the handle about dots she's connecting that, in many ways, don't even make sense.

OP,

how about you and your GF make your own. then she cant get mad when you watch it

This

Wat? So you're getting texts from other women like that and you don't see why she'd have a problem?

It's spam from cam girls trying to get money or just straight up phishing to fraud you. There's nothing you can do to prevent it because it's always from spoofed numbers. Those messages are easy to identify as not actual women/prospects.

How did the camgirls get his number? It's not like everyone gets texts like that. I certainly don't.

Please tell me you're an idiot who doesn't understand how technology works, without actually telling me.

Every fukking email and phone number on the planet is in a massive database these scammers use to fuk with people. The more active the numbers (whether by you or previous owner) the more they get hit.

If you ever get a spam message and it says, "reply STOP to stop" and you reply, congrats, you just confirmed you're number is active.

My GF will text before 10am saying shes fliked the bean twice to porn already with her WFH job because she's so damn horny.

Don't know these feels. Sorry breh.

I get this chit all the time, and I've never subbed an OF or cam girl or even a pay site for porn in my entire life. How do any spammers get your number? They pay for it.

So do they target men specifically? I've gotten spam texts but never anything like that. I've had my phone number forever.

I don't know a lot about p0rn addiction but talking to friends it sounds like most men go in phases of high-use without being full-blown addicts and dial it back accordingly. Not sure how to comment on the fact you watched some. Did you feel guilty after or like it wasn't a big deal? Did you want to keep watching multiple times daily after that or was it relatively easy to go back to not watching?

She either has very conservative values or a misunderstanding of our minds and how fantasies/p0rn that don't include our significant others don't mean we don't still find them attractive and they meet our sexual needs.

To breakup over this sounds absurd. She needs to go to therapy and/or do some research on this topic and understand her extreme views (& why she has them) and if she needs a man who sees eye-to-eye with her on this subject she's gonna be looking for a needle in a haystack.

Not sure how old she is but I'd chalk this up to immaturity if she's a teenager but by late 20s this shouldn't be an issue for most couples.

Also, does she ever send you nudes/do you have videos of you two?