She’s 34. She’s not posting ‘about them’ but it makes me feel weird that they follow each other, and that she has all this loving stuff with them on her profile (from the past). And that they obviously still like her photos, so lame..
I agree I don’t understand why people do that and keep their past in the present.
I think I’ll still meet her Tuesday and not talk about too much serious stuff. No exclusivity talk. I may just tell her I like spending time with her and I understand and can tell she’s going through stuff with the ex. As much as it sucks because I can’t help but like her, im going to take things slowly and casually with her while seeing other people.
If I only focus on her I could get burned here so I’ll do my best to avoid that. I don’t want to cut contact or anything like that quite yet.

really?
because you said the exact opposite after she cancelled.

https://forum.obnoxiousbrutes.com/showt...post1666747293
did i miss where she rescheduled after cancelling because of work?

Yeah brah you missed it, probably because I edited it in real time. Her and I were texting.

Basically I was assuming she wasn’t going to ask, but then she asked me if we can meet early this coming week so we scheduled Tuesday.

Why not just ask her about it? Cut to the chase and figure out where she is regarding dating, that way if she's not ready you don't waste more time on her.

3 matches today. ALl obese. lol

Do you mean ask her about both, if she’s over ex and if she wants to be exclusive? I’m conflicted right now.

Part of my hesitation is that I don’t know that it’s the smart thing for me to try and be with her. I like her BUT I can’t ignore some clear signs she’s not over her ex. I know many people advise not to get with someone with an open wound who’s not over things bc they will never usually treat you right. Others may disagree and maybe it just depends on the situation.

But I don’t want to ruin a good thing if she really wanted to move on. It takes me a long time to deal with breakups so I know it’s hard. I really think based on what I’ve seen that she will need some time, so that makes me not want to rush exclusivity talk (plus I think getting to know her better and not asking for exclusivity may make her chase me more because I’m not showing my hand yet)

Any advice on how to frame it in the way you think is best?

so went out with the 5th girl since my breakup. Dates are so much better when the woman really likes you and suck the tongue out of your mouth

I'd say start on the ex thing and see what she says.

This stuff true? You have serious mental health issues if this happened.

https://forum.obnoxiousbrutes.com/showt...hp?t=181669783

NC her. She’s not over her exes. It’ll take awhile for her to be over someone that she was with for 4 years. Unless she’s a sociopath then that’s just another red flag.

Either way, it’s not insecurity. There’s no need for exes to be on your social media while hunting for a new partner or even while having one. It’s disrespectful. If she doesn’t have kids with them then there’s real no need to keep the memories public.

I agree that it’s weird and not cool. Also not fair to anyone new like me who she’s starting to see, although it’s not official obviously and we’ve only been on a few dates. I still think it’s worth asking her about it and talking it over. We are already confirmed for a date tomorrow and I’m going to bring it up and just see her reaction and where her heads at. If her response is immature or defensive then that will tell me a lot.

It sucks because there seem to be red flags like this for every girl I meet, even though I’ve adjusted my search and have been trying to find a quality girl. She does have a lot of positive qualities, but this may be too much to look past. As I said earlier, I wouldn’t date her officially while she has those exes pics still there. I’m going to stay positive even though it’s unfortunate. If she doesn’t respond well tomorrow after I tell her why it looks like she’s not over her past, I’ll go NC.

1 5/10 today. she didnt respond. fat girls keep opening me and i just ignore. lmao. this dating thing is so cooked

^^might have to hit up a fatty for a late night smash sesh one of these days. no chance im going out in public with them tho

demiwhale just asked me out. i just wanna smash tho.

Are they posts with nobody but her ex in them or posts with multiple people?

I find it a little odd in relationships where you're 25+ and last over a year that at least one party doesn't essentially need to NC in order to move on.

Many with just her ex bro. I agree it’s odd and not cool for me. Some romantic captions on some of them vacationing or just at home..just normal bf/gf stuff. she just never deleted any of them. And they still follow her and vice versa. I realize this is not good.. I’m meeting her in a couple hours, and I have to bring it up..going to be very honest with her about what that looks like and just let her respond. Also going to tell her I’m looking for something serious and her contact with exes doesn’t look conducive with that. Going to try and be nice and act curious so I can see if she responds maturely or not. I’m not that optimistic but at least I’ll know for sure if she’s willing to change or move on.

I can understand having some photos of the recent one since it’s so raw (even though I don’t think it’s smart and doesn’t signal you’re getting over it) but it’s a lot. I can empathize if she’s going through pain, but she’s gotta be understanding and respectful of me, I’ve been through a lot and I know this isn’t healthy.

have you banged this chick yet?

Yes, a few times.

i'll allow it.
if she wasn't putting out i'd think you were mental considering how much you have posted about her.

Lol.
I’m a classic over-poster when something is on my mind. It usually is not worth it. Here’s another one incoming..

Ok brahs. Met up with her tonight for food/drinks.
Started with small talk keeping it light.
Asked her more firmly what she’s looking for- she said something serious and a long term future etc, which I originally thought. Told her Similar but in detail. We were very much on the same page.

Shifted to the exes convo. Very honest, told her what it looks like to me in regards to being connected to exes on social media, the photos and words etc. Said I’ve been through a lot too and I value my time and hers, so I don’t want to waste time if she’s still talking with exes and open to reconnecting with them. She told me she was surprised and that it’s over with them. She said she just never looks back and deletes pics etc. I said I don’t see how it’s healthy for anything in her future, and it seems like she’s trying to keep those options open.

So I asked why she went out with the older ex recently then (which she already told me about) and she said she honestly views him as a friend and it was a mistake. She also said she has no feelings for him and she same with the more recent ex. She said maybe she needs to be more firm and not be so nice.
I find it hard to believe she wouldn’t have feelings for the recent ex. But she said strongly she’d never get back with either of them.
She said she guesses she’s been too nice and hadn’t thought about how it might look to anyone else- she was understanding and not defensive for the most part.
Lastly she said she doesn’t know what she will do yet and doesn’t want to delete them just bc I said so- and I just told her she doesn’t have to do anything because of me, she should decide for herself.

I think she wanted to invite me over but she didn’t directly and I wanted to leave things as is. So we made out and left separate ways. She texted a thoughtful note about it. Time will tell where this goes. I texted her back that I appreciate the honest talk, wanted to get things in the open etc. And I did say let’s plan something soon (kind of regretting that)

Overall, I found her responses to be much more mature than expected. She didn’t get mad. She was nice. I still don’t trust her a ton and I don’t know who else she’s talking to, but overall there’s still a chance it could work.

It sounds like a good talk but I can see why her not deleting them would be a deal breaker. There's just no reason to have exes on social media, especially if you weren't married with children. I never had my ex on FB (my only SM) after separation. May have had 1 pic that was really old on there but that was with my son. I was with him for 17 years and if we didn't share a child I would have had no contact with him afterwards.

I had a date with a 55 year old who looked 60, his pics looked like they were 10 years old and he was creepy. He was rubbing my hair and my leg. My daughter thankfully texted me so I bailed out of there. I still shudder when I think of it.

Older guy dating is so tough.

Why do you regret this? Seems like your still open to this potentially working. My guess is if she's interested she will reach out about trying to hang out again....but I would let her initiate it, even if you have to ultimately make the plans.

If she was able to get over it and move on quick I get why it isn't detrimental to be connected to her exes but she should absolutely be mindful of how it appears to others when she keeps those posts up.

The other concern I'd have is if she didn't need/want to NC these past LTR's, is she capable of something deep and meaningful or content just jumping from one relationship to the next?

Just overthinking and didn’t want to show my hand. Thought maybe I should let her just think about our talk. But Now that I think about it, nbd.
I am open to her still. She did kind of hint she was free this weekend during the date subtly but I didn’t jump on that, I was just focused on the talk.
I may hold back like you said from reaching out. Although I am concerned she feels pressure, like I wouldn’t hangout with her without her deleting the pics, but I tried to convey she can take her time and decide on her own. She definitely calmed my worry about it.

I agree brah, it seemed like surprise and “news” to her. Now she is aware, although I think it shows some lack of self awareness. I tried to make it clear that I’m just trying to see where her heads at on the subject.

Your point in your 2nd paragraph is interesting to me too. I wonder… I mean it’s so hard to know, and it’s so hard to find someone reasonably compatible these days, that I may just keep trying anyway. Everyone has some flags these days, but it is a concern. One positive in my view is that she did say she realizes she’s 34, does want kids, marriage… I liked hearing it because it’s what I want too. We seem to be connecting well when talking about it. With all that said I think she obviously shows questionable decision making if she truly wants to date intentionally and have a chance at those goals.

Lastly brah and I hope to get your take on this: after we texted each other when we got home..she posted an ig story. I almost didn’t click but did late at night. She posted a TikTok of this wannabe comedian guy, just a short clip and he was saying jokingly something like “I want everyone to know I am done with my ‘falling in love with everyone I meet phase’, I only love Jesus now” Even though it’s a joke and I know I can take things too literal/serious, this is also a concern about her. That she could fall quickly but maybe not genuinely. She does strike me as loyal and anti cheating, but there’s a hint of insincerity I feel here. What are your thoughts on that?

Not having that awareness at 34 is strange re exes.
I'm not saying people aren't capable of being genuine friends with exes and it's possible feelings have in fact subsided on both sides, you just have to know the fire you're playing with because of how it appears to everyone else and how it makes getting in a new relationship that much harder.
IMO keeping up lovey-dovey IG posts is pretty much a dealbreaker, even if you're okay if they remain friends in some sort of way.

It takes more time to develop feelings as we mature and heal from our previous breakups I find. It's a good thing as we look for compatibility with our heads more than our heart in the beginning but it also makes us feel like it's not worth it at the first sign of their imperfections (probably not the word I'm looking for but you know what I mean).
I think it's good you were able to have a mature conversation and her reaction wasn't to point the finger back at you or get overly defensive.

I wouldn't worry about that IG re-share post too much.

I think if she says "I thought about what you said and I agree it's not appropriate to have posts like that when you're no longer with them and I'm going to delete them" then it shows she's able to learn and grow and isn't close-minded.
If she refuses to delete them or says "I'll delete them for you I guess" or something along those lines... probably not on the same page.

Appreciate your thoughts brah! I agree it’s not impressive on the self-awareness front, especially if she’s really looking for a serious future with someone. Her actions don’t quite match up..yet. Although I’ve been too quick to cut people off before and I’m trying to at least see how she responds with a little time. I did think it was good that she listened, acknowledged the issue, and she was really engaged in the convo at least. Time will tell how that shakes out. If I had to guess she will talk this over with certain friends, and it never surprises me when others give bad advice (could picture an immature person say I’m insecure and controlling, but obviously I’ve been through a lot and I know that’s not the truth). Ultimately it will be her decision of course.

I agree it absolutely should take time to heal, if you really loved someone. I find some of her actions odd.

I’m with you about the last scenario’s. This is a good test to see if she actually values me and will take action. Even if she shows me bit by bit, as long as she’s showing me she really cares and she wants to build something with me, I can be patient. But of course, as I mentioned earlier the ig pics is a dealbreaker before we would ever be official. When I asked about the exes and she acknowledged my thoughts, she also said yea I could be more firm, and she mentioned she could tell them directly (doesn’t serve a purpose imo) I told her you wouldn’t need to talk to them, I think it’s normal to just delete pics and unfollow-the healthy thing to do. So I don’t really trust what her actions are I’ll be, so we’ll see.

Right now I’m not planning to reach out to her at least for a bit.