I Wish Someone Would Do Something About How Fat I Am [article]

[The Onion] [Satire]

https://www.theonion.com/i-wish-some...-am-1819584206

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For the past 10 years, everyone has stood idly by and watched my waistline balloon. My friends didn't say anything as I sat and ate one chili-cheese dog after another. Even my own family hasn't lifted a finger to solve my weight problem. My mom's idea of "helping" is cooking a delicious dinner with all the trimmings. She knows as well as I do that, if she cooks a scrumptious meal, I am going to eat at least five servings and half a loaf of buttered bread, but that doesn't stop her.

I wish someone in the scientific community would look out for the obese little guy. They could provide liposuction and stomach stapling so a person like me would no longer be a danger to himself. Or, better, they could design a "magic bullet" to cure my corpulence. I mean, it seems like there should at least be a medicine that will make me stop stuffing my face when I'm full five times over. No kidding: If someone had an experimental new pill that would stop me from stuffing my face with food once I'm full five times over, I'd be the first in line to take it. Well, I mean, I would allow doctors to come to my home and administer the drug while I was comfortably splayed out on my sofa in my robe. That's how serious I am about having someone do something about my weight problem.

It is a problem. I know that. That's why I'm pleading for help. Obesity is ruining my life, if you want to know. I mean, I could die. I could really die, and it scares the hell out of me. I could drop like that if someone doesn't make me lose some weight.