Just going to give cliffs since this is the Misc.

16-18 years old. Dated girl in high school for ~2 years. Sweet, cute, first love type stuff.
Found another girl at another school that was hot as **** and total freak.
Instead of breaking up with girl #1, try to date them both at the same time.
Get caught.
Tell girl #1 to GFY and stay with the other chick.
Girl #1 kind of goes off the deep end. Drinking problem, getting in trouble, expelled from school senior year, etc.
After a few years, finally chat with girl #1 again and we are cordial. She's getting her **** together, doesn't hate me anymore but can tell she's still angry. We start to become cool again.
A few weeks later, girl #1 dies in a car accident.(This was in 2010)

Her death really fukked me up but only recently did I start feeling super guilty about how everything went down. Like she was taken away from this earth at 25 and I played a very negative role in her life. I'm happily married and everything now(not to girl #2) but I still can't help but feel super guilty about everything that went down.

Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this? There's literally nothing I can or could do, but I still have this overwhelming feeling of guilt.

Well, the shame you are feeling is perfectly legitimate (being shame at yourself for your wrongful behaviour). However, I'd like you to take two steps back and remember that you are ultimately not responsible for her reaction to your break up. You are not responsible for her going off the deep-end, etc. That was her choice to make, and even though you might feel the need to "read in" your own role... The truth is, you cheated and that's the extent your responsibility. Anything past that is on her.

This isn't to downplay your wrongfulness, but to ruminate on this person's tragic death is not going to do anything for you. Furthermore, I don't think this person would want you to feel bad for it, either. You said it yourself: she was in a good place, she had her sh*t together, she spoke to you again.

She's forgiven you.

It's time you forgive yourself and carry the lessons of that relationship forward with you. You can carry her light by not falling into the same mistakes of your past.

GL

OK well you behaved like a kunt...when you were age 16...15 whole years ago. I think it's time to let that one go. You were literally a child, would you do the same thing now? If not you grew up OK.

The car crash you are not responsible for so whatever.

Her life not working out the way she planned...so there's this concept in psychology I think, can't remember the term, but basically it concerns someone taking on responsibilities that are not theirs. It's kind of arrogant to imagine that you personally screwed up her life just because you were a crap BF when you were both high schoolers. She made a bunch of decisions on her own after that, that were up to her. You have to respect her autonomy, not claim it as your own.

Bro you stole this from a music video

I'm hesitant to rep you because you're annoying in the R&P section but that was a solid response so I will. Gave me a lot to think about.

That's a great song but I assure you this is a true story.

You're probably right that I am overestimating the role I played long after the fact. Repped.

Regret won't change the past anymore than worrying will change the future.

You have to learn to forgive that 16 year old kid that made a poor choice - as teens often do.

We often times feel and completely miss on the stuff and variables that is actually causing our feelings. It happens ALL the time. We feel first, and then rationally try to find causes/stories to why we do it and fool ourselves into believing it.

You might have a more general sense of uneasiness, sadness, anxiety, nostalgia for w/e reason, and that story is just what sticks out and you think is the cause.

In reality, our feeling is the results of a plethora of variables, including life in general, well-being, excersise, diet (gut microbe plays a huge part), social life, etc





Otherwise, I write down all my thoughts whenever I want to clear something out for myself. It helps give deeper understanding of it all, helps you peel back more layers of it, and can give closure.

Humans also have very limited "mental cpu", and can very easily override one feeling with another. You can make conscious choices that will make you more happy or grateful (grateful diary for instance), and you can re-program your brain into having different thought patterns instead of being stuck in the same old tracks

Repped.That's something I hadn't thought about. I must admit I've been stressed the **** out lately with work stuff, studying for a huge exam in December, and the death of my grandmother who i was very close to. I don't know how it all connects but there may be something to what you're saying. Repped.

I'm only annoying when it suits my agenda.

I legit want to see ppl prosper.

GL man