- Don't show up to work for days
- Be very brief and succinct in your email communications - preferably only use the subject line to communicate and use short forms... Never say thanks for example, say thx
- If someone sends you a massive email, respond with things like "ok" "np"
- Take as much vacation as possible, don't log your vacation
- Show up to meetings a few minutes late, looking better than everyone preferably walking in on the phone like you're on a call closing a deal or something
- Have your phone go off in meetings and step out - put your index finger up and step out so everyone knows you have an important call and the meetings is beneath you
- If someone sends you a calendar invite, try and always decline it without giving any sort of response - if you have to accept don't click "send a response"
- In meetings, say a little but when you do speak have an absolute banger of a comment
- Put your out of office on at all times
- Your signature in your email should simply be "sent with iPhone" nothing more
- Show up to 1/3 after work events.. never want to be the guy that is always going out with colleagues, this increases your value
- Smash the hottest interns, admin assistants etc.
- Walk around with air pods in - if someone tries to speak with you make a gesture that you can't talk right now
- Never ever take notes in meetings - if you do just doodle, draw a few cubes or some chit

- give busy work to the interns and let them know who’s boss.

I raise my voice and use a lot of curse words when people say stupid sht related to work/systems/etc LMFAO. It's gotten me raises and bonuses over the years because bosses know I'm serious and actually give a fuk. Hate when dumbasses make work harder for everyone rather than just getting the job done

plow boss's wife - tell him about it.

/thread

Yep this is good as well. If you want to take this 1 step further you should get into actual fist fights with colleagues at happy hour after a few drinks.

Make sure that you hit on your manager's wife or girlfriend. If you can have sex with her, even better. Bonus points if it's in her husbands' office. Double bonus if it's during work hours.

When I am stuck with giving some stupid brief to senior management, instead of concluding with do you have any questions I go with “what are your questions?”

I think something about throwing it at them this way like shifts them to being in a submissive position to answer my deliverable (subconsciously) or something, I always avoid grenades and stump the chump BS with this tactic.

Have the best business card in the office

get hammered in the office with sloots.

straight up walk out of pointless meetings. i've done this before srs

or whenever sally starts talking about how her baby is doing or how her lasagna came out last night, just sigh and grab your stuff and leave

Farting is the number uno form of portraying apex leader quality's srs

I was once having a chit in McDonalds toilets when i heard someone walk into the stall to the urinal and let off a extremely verbal fart, so loud it ricochet through to where i was eagerly sat waiting till the coast was clear to wipe my angus

Also farted at the bar once and since then one of girls who was there has the hots for me

both true storys srs

Yep I do this srs

Don't use a mouse when using excel. The interns and boomer MDs mire hard.

I once brought a female ex Co worker as my date to the company Christmas party. She was fired the month before and the top manager hated her (lost glow woman hated the younger blond, green eyed eastern European).

She asked if she could dress like a sloot and I said please do. I walk in with her on my arm and her in a barely covering mini skirt, high heels, low cut top and everyone's face just froze. All the male managers couldn't stop staring and their wives were fuming.

Felt good man. By far the hottest girl there, dressed like a sloot, but the fact that they hated her but couldn't tell her to leave since she was my plus one made it so nice.

Yeah, I got a lot of reaction the next Monday, both extremes. Either high fives and laughs telling me how awesome it was or cold dagger stares.

One can have so much fun when no fucs given.

Have the right name when you introduce yourself to someone

Honestly might be the answer. If they're hurt badly enough, they won't return to the office and fuk everything up for everyone SRS

No you want to call people the wrong name on purpose - if the guys name is James you should call him Jeff

No like your name,

“Hi I’m xyz,”.


Then watch the realization dawn on them

It’s honestly my favorite mog.

Esp when I’m unshaved and dressed like a bum

Then go get in my mogger truck and drive off

Always use lower case on their names when sending an email

Absolutely

I would suggest never using upper case letters in any sort of communication as well but the first name thing is the bare minimum

Lmao

rub penor on all door handles in the office / buttons in elevator / land line phones etc

no one cares how you intend to progress from the fries to the big mac assembly station brad

Good one man, but I don't work in fastfood, aren't u like an actual mailman tho? LOL

Never reply to anything in the same format. Someone sends you an email? Reply to that chit in slack, or teams and vice versa.

Never answer calls from co workers or bosses, make them leave you a voicemail because you were busy closing.

At lunch, change at the office into gym clothes, don’t workout and just have a shower at the gym so you come back looking fresher than the entire office. Bonus because coworkers will think you actually lift.

Be the best at squash

LMAO I actually used to do this and I'd also leave the office in gym clothes as well

I love the reply all thank you and other one word replies to large groups unnecessarily, especially when people Cc in someone they think is important (like my or their boss) as a way of expediting whatever their problem is.

Need to start playing srs

Goal of mine this summer