My eating disorder treatment team (therapist, nutritionist and psychiatrist) don't understand how size is viewed in dating. I slipped (or relapsed, however you view it) and went on an 800-1200 calorie diet last summer and lost a lot of weight, but then it started to rebound when I added in heavy exercise and I was hungry all of the time and eating up to 2,000 calories and panicking over that, but I couldn't sleep without eating. I occasionally suffer from bulimia and I was hospitalized for anorexia for 3 months back in 2000.

So they put me on this "Intuitive Eating" program which I tried in the 90s but ditched because it caused me to gain 6 lbs. It's hard because it tells you to normalize food and make "fear foods" OK by eating them and not just eating healthy food. I loved it as I could eat Togo's and bagel sandwiches, doughnuts over organic chia bowls, eggs, greek yogurt and other "healthy" foods, but of course that extra bread made me gain some of the weight back.

But then they tell me the size acceptance thing that I should find someone who values my kindness, how I treat men like kings, compassion and other qualities besides size and eat all foods when I'm hungry and stop when I'm somewhat full. I don't think they understand dating, especially online dating. How is someone supposed to know that I have those qualities in a swipe?

It sucks if I have to choose between recovery and finding a life partner at this point because even men in their 50s in our area post on their profiles that they are active and expect the same in their mate. I workout 5-6 days a week so I am active, but I know they imply thinness.

First of all, I'm sorry to hear all of this. It can be tough trying to juggle multiple interconnected issues and find a nice, healthy balance.

I think there are multiple factors to what you are facing:
1) You mention you have issues pertaining to bulimia and anorexia, and it seems like its related to anxiety around your weight.
2) You are correlating weight and body fat percentage together. You can weigh a lot but still look good in front of the mirror. I would suggest you ditch the scale in favor of a caliper and a mirror instead. Body fat thickness varies less than weight on a day to day basis, and therefore the lower volatility in the numbers will reduce anxiety related to how you percieve yourself.
3) Those programs telling you to make "fear foods" ok are not helping. Clearly you have a core value in eating healthy, regardless of its purpose. It seems like almost a religious belief to you. By telling you to go against your values, its making you panic, and clearly bothers you and causes anxiety. Even though bagels and doughnuts make you feel good, you clearly still feel guilt in the back of your mind, and that will haunt you (humans are inherently risk averse).

All three points above should help reduce your anxiety regarding weight, and bring you back to your happy self. That is step one.

Step two is realizing your boundaries. You mention you are in your 50s. The human body peaks at around 27-30. You just have to come to the realization that you cannot push your body too hard, as if you were 27 again. By adding in that heavy exercise, you put your body in a state where it is unhappy and you are eating more than you are used to. Then you panic and start making yourself throw up again, putting yourself back at square one. You need to make sure whatever workout program you have is sustainable, or else you and your body won't be happy with yourself being tired and needing to recover/being injured all the time.

The final (third) step is dating. Hopefully once you have figured out step one and step two, you should be in a state where although you are not completely happy with your body, you are at a healthy equillibruim where you are fit and your mind is still happy and your anxiety is minimized. This is when you are ready to date. And they are right, a *good* man will accept and most importantly, *appreciate* you for who you are. They will understand step one and step two, and appreciate and admire the work you put in to yourself to bring you to where you are in life. You want this man (or woman/apache helicopter/whatever they identify as) in your life. This man will ultimately understand your struggles and then eventually support you and push you to reach your final fitness goal (to look 27 again) by helping you with recovery, eating healthy, mental wellness, quality of life etc.

You should also gain comfort in the fact that the same is probably happening on the other end of the table here. There are most likely men out there exactly in the same or in a very similar situation to where you are, and that is an opportunity for bonding between you and someone, as you both will understand eachother.

Your last question "How is someone supposed to know that I have those qualities in a swipe?". You don't. Go out on more first dates and stop being picky over the app. 5 pictures and 3 prompts are a chit way to judge someone by. Those pictures could be old/photoshopped, the prompts could be written by their friends, so on and so forth. Go and meet them IRL over a drink or a walk to get to know them, who they are, what they're looking for. Go join an intramural sport or evening classes at a local college (cooking and baking classes are great, and so are arts classes like glassblowing). Its a long process, and only when you are ready to give up and beat down, will the guy you have always been looking for show up. "Where have you been all my life?"

Hope this helps.

Thank you. I've been battling the eating disorder since I went to Jenny Craig and became their "poster child" for losing 30 lbs in 1994. Then bulimia hit once I went off their food, and then it turned to anorexia.

Yeah I stopped eating the "fear foods" on a daily basis 3 weeks ago except for occasionally, which is how healthy eating should be IMO. One should be able to enjoy a slice of birthday cake every now and then. Eating daily sandwiches just created a lot of bloating and anxiety like you said.

I don't use the scale and you can tell from my avi that I'm not natty. I'm not being natty right now because I want to get the body fat off of my stomach, as even my nutritionist and doctor said that women in their 50s tend to store more fat in their stomach unfortunately. I have a caliper so that is a good idea. They would not be happy if they knew I wasn't natty.I do get injured often. I was doing those heavy circuit training classes like in the F45 gyms and trying to replicate their exercises at my gym like with the sled, the heavy exercise balls, jumps, burpees, etc. and injured my back in November. I just can't exercise like I did in my 20s. I play tennis competitively but I was sprinting for a ball last year and fell and broke my nose and orbital. Those injuries make it difficult to exercise other than walking and light weight training.I continue to think that no man would want someone with an eating disorder and thus it created psychological problems like anxiety and depression so I sabotage myself, mostly because my husband brings up my medication or therapy as a negative thing and that was part of the reason why we aren't together now. He wasn't supportive with my eating disorder. Then I read men on here say to steer clear of a woman with psychological problems. I just have to stay positive that if they see that I've overcome a life-threatening illness that has taken the lives of some of my friends at a young age that they would respect that and be supportive and understanding that therapy, medication, religion and doctor visits are part of my recovery and not make snide comments about them.I am in that tennis league and an adventure club where I can meet people outside of dating apps. The men in the adventure club are in their 20s and 30s though, so they aren't good prospects. Most of the tennis men my age are married but I'm starting to think that it's better to stick with tennis (doubles instead of singles where I'm not running so much and can fall) as there are single and divorced men who play tennis and the adventure club is getting to the point where I am slower than those in their 20s and 30s on hikes, bike rides, etc. A 60 year old was pushed out the club for being too slow.

But yeah not paying attention to the photos so much and being so picky and having a drink is a good idea.

Okay that's messed up and I'm sorry they caused that. Side note, you probably could see a lawyer and try to get some sort of settlement at least for that?Good, that's how it should be. I personally find bread and rice are the worst, while quinoa is amazing for bloating. Its all about how you *feel*. If you feel bloated you're gonna feel like a fat pig, even though it was a harmless amount of food.Your doctor is right, and not being natty at your age is a serious risk to your muscular and cardiovascular system. No wonder you have troubles with recovery and injuries. Anabolics cause worse cholesterol, blood pressure issues, etc. - those blood cells that are being fed anabolics are the same cells that are supposed to be helping you recover.
Higher age also means that it takes longer to recover from those injuries. Its an exponential increase in time for recovery as well as age increases. Do you visit the physio/chiro/massage therapist? They are imperative in helping you recover from injuries and keep yourself maintained.You think that no man will appreciate you of who you are because your husband was (idk if he still is) a complete dickhead. As for men steering clear of women with psychological problems - everyone in this world is fried in the brain. You just need to find someone who is fried in the same way you are, and also appreciates you enough to compromise with your eating disorder. I'd take a woman with an eating disorder over a woman with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia any day lol. You also need to realise that as people get older, they go through more stuff, and accumulate more baggage. This makes it harder to find someone your age who will be ok with the baggage you bring.

Your face would have always been the big hang up so I wouldnt be worried too much on the weight fluctuations.

Sorry I missed replying to this as I read it on my iPhone. That was in 1994 before my wedding so I'm sure I'm past the statute of limitations. But that's how long I've been battling the eating disorder.
Even brown rice?This is my first cycle in a year. Hopefully it won't mess up my cholesterol but I just saw my Dr. from my physical and she's worried the weight fluctuations could cause diabetes or higher cholesterol so she sent in the blood test request. Now I have to fast for it.


I see a chiropractor. I did physical therapy for a few years but I find the chiropractor more effective, especially since they incorporate massage therapy.Yeah a man I know IRL told me that most women he dated over 40 are on anti-depressants so it's not like I'm unusual in that sense.

I just started following a version of Vanessa Tib's diet which is similar to what my IFBB Pro trainer (RIP to her) put me on:

https://simplyshredded.com/vanessa-t...s-edition.html

I know Vanessa personally from talking to her on ********.

But then I felt so deprived I ate one of my daughter's cookies. I guess I have to get used to it. I wish she and the husband didn't keep junk food in the house as it's so tempting when you're dieting. Even though I know I shouldn't diet, but now my Dr. is questioning my nutritionist's wish for weight gain. Ugh. We will see if I have diabetes or high cholesterol and then adjust.

99% of our problems today are due to our corrupt and sick society. Its not good to be too thin, but neither is being fat. I don't know you or how thin you really are. But if you aren't unhealthy then don't listen to them. With that said you might actually be mentally ill and not be able to perceive what actually health is. I would say 14% BF measured is the lowest you want to be.

Brown rice is alright, but I find white rice to be the worst offender.

That's way too low for a woman.

your treatment team wants you to get thiccc

According to this, that 15% - 25% range is ideal for me

I don't think that chart is very accurate.

That's the cutoff number most doctors will use for women. Think of elite athletes, bodybuilders, etc...Once you go below that number is when your hormones can go completely out of whack. My doctor would always tell me to never go below 14% in my off season...I would normally stay around 15-17%.

It's not healthy.

I’m so pissed off because now I have prediabetes thanks to that intuitive eating meal plan and my cholesterol went up but not out of the healthy stage.

I stopped the plan 2 weeks ago and I’m back on a high protein meal plan. Hopefully I can get a normal blood sugar reading now.

Gaining weight was fine 20 years ago instead of dying from anorexia or bulimia, but now I’m 50 so diet and weight are important for health issues.

If I don’t reverse this in 6 months I’ll be on diabetes meds.