Haha. I'm really starting to use Misc lingo and such.


But srs.


Coming from a pretty broken home, only sibling died when I was 28 and she was 33, growing up gay in Mississippi in the 1980s, chronic depression since puberty, etc etc etc. And really that's only the tip of the iceberg.

So although I have had certain skills - the ability to dramatically improve physically even though relatively weak as a child (a lot of this potential has been lost by now), really good math abilities, now have pretty good developed verbal abilities, decent thinker, still, lots of other weaknesses.

There's a whole bunch of different types of intelligence a person can have and can not have, and it's a crazy complicated world, and as far as we know, only one life to life.

Being almost 50, certainly my life is a good bit more than halfway over. I *don't* want to see old age.

So, I have issues with time really not being so much on my side, anymore.

But I think that due to situational factors present from very early life as well as perhaps innate factors, I gradually lost interest in a lot of "worldly" things and skills that would largely be considered more masculine than feminine. I think it was due to the pain I've been carrying around for a long time. And seeing how messed-up the world is, I just don't want to engage with it much, although some part of me still wants to make...something...out of myself.

I've been trying to sort myself out for a long time, but there have been very many obstacles, many of them external.

So much of my energies throughout life and currently have gone more towards concerns of just wanting to heal and be whole, and other tricks and skills have just become less important to me. Like could give a rip about learning how to play chess.

I'm still confused about a lot and confused about what I want out of life. But I know that if I live a number of more years, I can't do it being any more messed-up than I already am. I need healing as much as anything else, to say the least.

Sorry if this is too mushy for the Misc, but can anybody else relate to this?

ETA: I think about this in relation to feeling like we're definitely not through with Covid and School Shootings and Crazy Inflation and such and I feel like there has GOT to be a "New Normal" not super-duper-vastly-extremely-far down the horizon. Just darned if I know what that's going to be like, so know much less who I would be in such a New Normal.

In before Red Raider?