I (34M) have been married to (32F) for two years, together for 7. I am a relatively sensitive person, a bit of a people pleaser, and due to some traumatic experiences, I have a pretty hard time with intense personal conflict. I’m also white and Midwestern (this is relevant).

My wife has a short temper and a tendency toward rageful, verbally abusive outbursts. She only rarely gets physical toward me, but it’s not uncommon for her to scream at me, curse, and call me names (some recent examples: “a little bitch,” dumbass, stupid, an idiot, fucking asshole, “you belong in a brain injury unit”).

After some of the worst times, she’ll apologize. She does agree that she should try not to insult me directly. But what she refuses to back down on is tone and language that escalates a conflict, but isn’t directly insulting.

For example, I forgot to bring a new towel up to our bathroom. When asked why, I said that I didn’t think about it when I was downstairs, I’m sorry, I’ll go grab it now. “You never ****ing think,” she said.

For me, this kind of language, and the tone that accompanies it, escalates the conflict in ways that are really triggering for me. I get very anxious, sometimes panicky, occasionally break down crying, because the palpable anger is really painful to me for some reason. I wish I were tougher but that’s who I am.

We do come from different cultural backgrounds.My wife is black and was raised in an immigrant household.So I try to see both sides of it. We have different cultural understandings of how to express anger, or even different views on the role anger can play in a healthy relationship. I’d like to grow to be more tolerant of her language, and am really trying, but unfortunately it hits something deep-seated in me and I get overwhelmed.

So I continue to ask that she not speak to me this way.

From her perspective, I’m tone-policing her to shut down her POV. She says that this is how she expresses anger, a healthy emotion, and I have no right to change her speech.

I can see both sides of it. AITAH?

some recent examples: “a little bitch,” dumbass, stupid, an idiot, ****ing *******, “you belong in a brain injury unit”