Day 106/18 (ii) -

1. No
2. No
3. No

mirin' brah, keep up the good work

must suck to be low test with ED like OP

Day 107/19 (i) - Morning wood again today, weaker than yesterday but still marks four days in a row with it now. Definitely still in the flatline though as none of them were anywhere near normal intensity. Libido is still largely absent. The rest of the day my dick doesn't move an inch, still feels pretty lifeless. Been about two weeks like this now. The longer it goes on the more optimistic I feel about my future recovery, it really makes you appreciate how fukked this addiction is if it has the power to cause this. Inevitably it must be affecting other chit if its this powerful.

Really struggling with motivation once again, finding it very hard to muster up the energy and the focus to do anything productive. Back in a bit of a slump these last few days after peaking out of it for a couple. Sucks but I know what I have to do, need to push against it. Makes sense that this is part of the flatline too

You don't need to be paranoid bro it definitely doesn't do any damage to your dick. It's basically your brain going into hibernation mode whilst it recalibrates to a lower baseline of dopamine. It's just a temporary phase to allow deeper recovery, libido always returns.

Nothing to be scared of. It's not been particularly hard (excuse the pun lol) so far. Not having libido is weird but it's not as if I miss it rn, I know it'll come back. Most difficult part is the low motivation but it's similar to depression I guess, just need to fight it and know it will pass

Day 107/19 (ii) -

1. No
2. No
3. No

Day 10, I had miscounted.

No random boners but boners thinking about porn. Probably a good thing. Signs of life down there. I feel great, but exhausted from the day I had.

Interesting article in the Guardian today about porn addicts: https://www.theguardian.com/society/...ring-my-tracks

Good job mate into double digits now.

I know it's difficult during the early days but try to avoid fantasising about porn if you can. There's some suggestion that fantasy reinforces the addicted pathways:

"Research on mental imagery indicates that fantasizing or imagining an experience activates many of the same neural circuits as performing it. In other words, fantasizing about porn reinforces your addictive pathways." https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebo...ring-a-reboot/

best line in it:

we need to bring porn use out of the darkness and viewed as something that can be healthy and beneficial if used correctly and damaging if not

Fully agree with you bro, should be treated like gambling where the risks are known but people can engage with it if they wish

——
Edit: Her full quotes are actually pretty good, sums it up nicely:

Day 108/20 (i) - No morning wood today, though I had a bit of an unusual wake up (fire alarm went off) so can’t really read too much into that. Flatline is ongoing though, the lack of libido and general lifeless dick are still present.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of other withdrawal symptoms too, always hard to directly label them as such but seems likely to me. Lack of motivation, as spoke about before, is a big one. In a definite funk and it’s hard for me do anything productive. Pretty obviously linked with the flatline, dopamine is basically the motivation chemical. I’m also feeling extremely irritable, which I remember feeling during the early days of this reboot too (when I was having withdrawals). Even noticing a lot more aches and pains, which weirdly enough is a supposed withdrawal symptom. I felt unusually sore after a pretty light workout at the gym. Apparently this is tied to low dopamine too.

Mood is slightly better today though. I went to badminton club again with my mate yesterday evening and had a good time. Feeling more positive about everything and recognise that what I’m going through now, the flatline and my general position in life, is only temporary.

I am also still so relieved to be in a flatline, as strange as that continues to sound. To have this confirmation that change is happening is so meaningful to me. There has had to be a lot of faith throughout this streak, trusting that healing is occurring without being able to see it, so to finally have undeniable evidence of profound change is incredibly reassuring. Finally experiencing the kind of flatline I’d only before read about on YBOP or NoFap reports, firming up the possibility that I will also experience the benefits they speak of

Day 108/20 (ii) -

1. No
2. No
3. No

Day 109/21 (i) - Had a wet dream last night (well really this morning). This is my third wet dream on this streak and my first since Day 26. I can’t remember the dream too well. It involved me having sex with my ex-girlfriend but can’t really recall what the story was. Glad it involved actual sex rather than me masturbating or watching porn. I remember cumming in my dream but I’m pretty sure I didn’t have an orgasm.

Having one in the midst of a flatline does seem strange but it apparently isn’t too unusual from what I’ve read. Wet dreams are one way for the body to release excess sperm, a process that is still occurring during a flatline. I take it as a good sign. When I was pmoing I never had wet dreams, I’ve probably had a total of six or seven wet dreams in my life and they’ve all happened when I was on a streak (around half occurring on this streak now). It suggests a more natural state of sexual functioning and shows that the body has mechanisms to manage it.

I also woke up a couple of hours before the wet dream and I definitely had a small amount of morning wood. Still very weak, in fact probably weaker than the ones I had for the past few days, but it was there. The flatline is still ongoing. My mood may be better today, I feel a bit more relaxed which is to be expected after ejaculating, but the overall state of play is basically the same. Starting to realise, or maybe hope, that this flatline is the ‘darkest before the dawn’ moment. These last couple of weeks in it have been really difficult, made worse because one does not truly know what is happening, and really does feel like serious withdrawals.

Today marks three weeks without masturbation. I am so proud of how I reacted to the serious return of masturbation between Days 60 - 87. It would have been so easy for me to downplay it and allow the dominoes of relapse to keep falling. But instead I spotted what was going on, made a serious pledge to refresh my quitting efforts, and have so far successfully done so. True, it’s been made a hell of a lot easier by the flatline but it still demonstrates a level of seriousness about removing this addiction that I am proud of.

I feel that all the effort I’ve put in over the last 21 days, and of course the last 109 days too, will pay off soon. The flatline is a difficult stage in the process but it also signals that recovery is not only possible but actively occurring. It may last several more weeks, or even months, but it tells me that my efforts will be rewarded

Day 109/21 (ii) -

1. No
2. No
3. No

no fap is bs is all in your head

comes from a streak of 199days

and 10 years of trying to fap as less as possible

this

OP is a delusional moron

Gj on the 199 day streak bro, keep trying you will get there

Day 110/22 (i) - No morning wood today. No libido. Extending the streak is ridiculously easy at the moment because there is no temptation. The idea of masturbating seems strange to me right now. I’m not going to test it but I’m pretty sure I could watch a porn video and I would not have any reaction. Thought the wet dream yesterday may have kick started my libido but it has had no such effect. Flatline certainly continues.

Mood is not great today, mainly because my lifestyle has once again fallen apart. The extremely low motivation caused by the flatline is certainly a big contributor but I have to take overall responsibility. I have not been trying hard enough to maintain good habits. That needs to change.

I am feeling pretty negative this morning, feeling bad about the life I’ve lived and the prospect of it getting any better seems unlikely. I know that the flatline is impacting me (as well as my poor lifestyle as above). The flatline is obviously having a significant effect, anhedonia is one of the most common symptoms listed.

My brain is finally adjusting to life without the extreme dopamine highs of a three hours daily PMO session making life seem pretty dull. I’m going through a really tough time but it takes time to adjust, I need to be patient. There is light at the end of the tunnel and the presence of this flatline basically validates all that I’ve read about porn addiction. But I also need to put the effort in to build good habits that can support me right now

trifecta yesterday

2/3 so far today, gonna go hit that trifecta in a few minutes

Day 110/22 (ii) -

1. No
2. No
3. No

Day 111/23 - Flatline continues. Ended up watching the election results all night so didn’t actually go to sleep last night therefore I can’t really comment on morning wood. Libido is still nowhere to be seen.

Dick was lifeless again today. There was a moment today when I realised just how dead it feels. I was in the bath and was washing my dick. Normally it feels pretty good etc. But on this flatline touching my dick literally feels like touching my arm or something. There’s no sensation, not quite anesthesia but it does not feel pleasurable at all. I noticed there’s almost this ‘recoil’ reaction when doing something that would previously be potentially arousing. I can’t describe the sensation, it’s almost like a magnetic push. It’s almost like the feeling you get after you cum and you keep trying to stroke, at some point you just get that feeling in your dick that tells you to leave it alone. That feeling is present all the time.

And it also feels so small lmao. Flatline really is one the most bizarre things I’ve been through.

Embarrassing to talk about but this is such an obvious and overt flatline symptom that I think it’s important to detail. I guess it’s important for anyone quitting to be aware that this is a very common withdrawal symptom. It’s only temporary but the scary thing is there’s no strict timeline when it will go away. It could be a few days, a few weeks or even a few months. Worst I’ve read is someone claiming they’d been flatlining for two years (though I have my suspicions about that). Guess the only thing to take from it is to consider how powerful this addiction must be to cause a withdrawal effect like this. No other addiction causes this. To overcome it you have to go through it.

Another potential symptom of the flatline, though I’m not too sure about this. As I said last night I didn’t go to sleep so today I should have been knackered. Normally if I pull an all-nighter I am dead the next day, I can make myself stay up but I feel like chit. Today there was no reason for me not to sleep, I was doing fuk all. But I stayed the course through the entire day and didn’t feel particularly tired. I also realised that I hadn’t eaten all day, I could tell I was a bit hungry but literally wasn’t that bothered about it.

I know this sounds mundane but I do have a point. One of the most common symptoms of the flatline is emotional numbness. Definitely noticed this already in more obvious areas but this experience made me realise that there is a numbness to all sensations; emotional, physical and even basic cravings like tiredness and hunger.

Right in the midst of a nasty flatline then and it is really hard. But I’ve been letting it beat me last week. I need to push back and that’s what I intend to do tomorrow. I’ll get a good night sleep and start being productive tomorrow. Nothing too demanding but just ensuring I am doing all the basics and making myself healthy


1. No
2. No
3. No

Day 112/24 (i) - Flatline continues, no morning wood again. No real change. Mood is slightly better, saw my sister today and that has helped to ground me a bit. Recognise that I need to get back to being productive as I've said many times before. I will make my daily rules again and follow them.

One positive experience, been a while since I've talked about that, is that I was out in town today and this pretty fit woman gave me a pretty obvious sign she found me attractive. I was just standing in the street when she walked past and she made pretty prolonged eye contact with me and smiled. Another example of the crazy NoFap attraction idea maybe coming true? Was a nice little boost.

Anyway, not much else to say. Flatlining sucks, not so much the loss of sexual function but the general apathy. I've heard it called the 'Void' before and that seems like a fairly accurate description. Must find ways to stimulate dopamine in a healthy and sustainable way, think that's the way to aid healing and recover quicker. I'll make that list of rules and follow them from now on. Uninstalled Football Manager (which I've been playing pretty hard for past couple of weeks lol) and will renew my efforts and focus

Day 112/24 (ii) -

1. No
2. No
3. No

Day 113/25 (i) - Had morning wood today, first in a few days and was bigger than it has been so far on this flatline. Still relatively soft. No libido still.

Mood is definitely better today. I woke up and for the first time in a while felt quite clear headed and positive. Everything feels a little lighter. Just before waking I was having a dream that featured a lot of my friendship group from university. Apart from two incredibly close friendships, I was always pretty distant from the group. I normally felt awkward and clunky when socialising with them, as I have done with most people since I was about 12. Well, in this dream I found myself being very comfortable around them, naturally speaking and joking.

When I woke up I found myself recognising once again how my social awkwardness is simply a feeling within myself, one that usually stems from a lack of energy to stimulate conversation. I feel groggy within social situations usually. However, if I try to fight this lack of energy by forcing it then it can make things even more awkward (as no one likes a try hard). A real rock and a hard place sort of situation.

I was able to see how a lack of dopamine does explain my social problems, and I interpreted the dream as some sign that there is tremendous hope for positive change. Once this flatline is over, and my artificially high dopamine baseline has been lowered to a more natural and normal level, then socialising will be a lot easier. Vitally, it will be more pleasurable and I will actually be sensitive enough to experience the normal amounts of dopamine during social situations, allowing me to feel energy and motivation once again.

My thoughts then turned to what socialising was like before porn. Of course, I first started watching porn when I was 11 so it is very hard for me fairly compare. But there has to be some value in investigating, after all it is the only data I have available of what life can be like without porn. Despite always having a pretty strong introverted side, I was a very popular and social kid. At Primary School I was the most popular kid, the type who gets voted as captain of the class etc. I was the smallest kid and not particularly amazing at sport so it wasn’t a jock type of popularity, I was just a funny and nice kid who people seemed to really like. I say this not to brag obviously, boasting about one’s social standing as a 10-year-old would be exceptionally embarrassing, but only to illustrate what socialising was like before porn.

I’m not saying I now expect my future porn-free life to exactly replicate that. Clearly there are so many variables at play and one can not ignore the 15 years of social struggle that followed (even if that was porn-related it will still have left psychological scars that mean I probably can’t return to that sort of carefree social innocence). But I think it does point to the idea that being socially awkward, having difficulty connecting with people and being generally clunky when socialising is not innate to me. Thinking that this morning gave me even greater hope.

Overall then, I’m feeling good today. Positive about what is going on. The flatline may continue, though it does feel less explicitly painful today, but my faith in recovery does too. Going through such obvious withdrawals has helped to demonstrate that something profound is going on in my mind and body. I am healing, today I feel that more than ever

Day 113/25 (ii) - Have to say I have been feeling pretty good today, as I write this now I feel really good. Just at peace, optimistic about life, not bogged down with any anxiety or negative thoughts. Nothing exceptional has happened today, it’s been a very boring one really. But I sit here now and I’m in a positive mood.

I write this because I want to have a record of it. I know that I’ve been extremely negative sounding during this journal, and that has largely been an accurate summation of my experience (especially in the last month or two). But it’s important for me to be mindful of good times. When I’m feeling negative I tend to believe that this is a permanent state for me. It’s not, I am good now. Hopefully this continues but I recognise it is very likely that negative mood returns, so it’s vital I remember that positive mood does happen.

Still definitely in that flatline. Dick is dead and no real libido to speak of. But hopefully the positive mood today indicates that some of the mental aspects of flatlining are fading. Too early to say.

Bit more productive today but not overly. Will be better tomorrow


1. No
2. No
3. No

Day 114/26 (i) - Bit of morning wood today, nothing too noteworthy. Little bit of movement but still doesn’t get fully hard and seems to run out of power pretty quickly. It is crazy that only a few weeks ago I was experiencing rock-hard morning wood that would last for ages. I really can’t imagine that happening now. Flatline certainly continues. Some small signs that my libido may be waking up a little, I am having a little bit more interest in dating apps again. Still largely dead though.

Mood is still pretty good. Not quite as upbeat as yesterday but still noticeably more positive and carefree than the last few weeks. Definitely a lightness to my perspective which is a really welcome change. I’ve been feeling really bogged down over the last six weeks or so, internally it’s been extremely cloudy with a strong change of rain. Yesterday the internal skies became blue and today that has continued.

I recognise that I need to put the effort in to allow this mood to continue. If I live like a depressed person then it’s only natural that I will return back into a depressive episode. I have to use this break in mood to install good habits. Started pretty poorly today. I intended to wake up at 8am but didn’t end up crawling out of bed till nearer 12. I have at least applied for some jobs and been a bit more productive. Not too much planned for today, going to badminton later so that will be a good chance to have a laugh and be social with my mate. Do have an interview on Wednesday so will prepare for that too. Finally started tracking the 10 daily rules again so that should give me more purpose and structure.

Interesting thought I had the other day. Obviously I have attributed this flatline to me removing masturbation 26 days ago. I think that’s probably right, looking back through my journal it seems that it started on Day 94-ish (only a few days after removing masturbation). But I do wonder whether my decision to remove mindless smartphone use on Day 100 has also had an impact. I have been pretty successful with this, I didn’t end up changing my phone but I deleted the browser and rarely use my phone anymore. True, I replaced it with more laptop use which is not any real improvement but I still think it likely resulted in some withdrawal symptoms, probably contributing to the flatlining effect.

It’s interesting because I am starting to consider removing another behaviour, another addiction that rivals porn for how long I’ve been doing it: smoking/vaping. I think I will look to remove that on Day 120 as I believe continuing with it is slowing down my reboot from porn addiction. I’ll write more about it but it is worth considering that this decision would result in more withdrawal symptoms and another drop in dopamine

Day 114/26 (ii) - Writing this as I wait for the train to go and play badminton. I am feeling good. I feel clear headed and relatively relaxed about my situation and positive about where I'm heading. I don't have any clearer vision about exactly where that is but I feel more trusting that it will work out.

Mainly I feel healthier, both mentally and physically. I've eaten better today and been better at being more active, not just sitting in a chair rotting away. That has helped but I do think there was a little shift. It was noticeable yesterday how I just woke up in a better mood without having really done anything different.

Of course I know I can't be reliant upon that to sustain itself. I need to work at it. I need to get my attitude back to being positive, back to mastering the basics and trusting that the rest will take care of itself. That's been easier to do today but I've still been pretty slack.

Bit of a chance for reflection now. I am immensely proud of myself for persevering through a very difficult adjustment period. The last 114 days have been really tough but I have kept going, finally conquering an addiction that has plagued me for more than half my life. The last 26 days have been the hardest part. It is only now that I can really appreciate what has been happening. Some of the clearest withdrawal symptoms possible yet in the moment it is very hard to detach yourself from them enough to truly understand what is happening.

Whether I am now through the most pernicious withdrawal symptoms, or whether this is just a little break, I can now see what has been going on.

Past couple of days I've been reading a thread on NoFap about PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms). Basically there are guys on there who say they've quit porn for a number of months/years yet are still dealing with nasty withdrawal symptoms.

It's probably not wise for me to be reading the thread. I have not been abstaining for long enough to qualify anyway. Reading has been both comforting and terrifying. Some talk about kindling (where you have continually relapsed after attempting to quit) and say this makes withdrawing last a lot longer. That obviously concerns me as I have had countless attempts to quit over the last seven years, all but this one resulting in relapsing back into chronic use.

Hopefully I am not one of the unlucky ones but I will just have to wait and see. I feel more confident about my recovery at the moment, does feel like I have gone through the initial withdrawal stage after removing masturbation now. That will become clearer over the next few days and week.

Not having a libido continues to be weird. That part of the flatline is actually not unpleasant though. I obviously had developed a pretty demanding sex drive that was not healthy. Feeling sexual, or at least the potential to be sexual, at all times is not a healthy way to live. It morphs life into a very simplistic and primitive level.

Obviously sex remains important to me in terms of my future plans for life. But I don't want to be one of those pervy old men. I want sex to bring me closer to someone not isolate me, as I think my previous obsession was doing. I know that chronic porn use deeply impacted the way I saw sex. I think I've talked about it before but it was quite common for me to spot myself interpreting normal situations in a sexual way. Regular conversations were often subconsciously scanned for sexual undertones. I often had a part of me that thought most girls I spoke to were secretly interested in me sexually. I knew this wasn't true, or even if some did it certainly wasn't in such an overt way as I thought, but it didn't really matter. I have never really had any friends that were girls, there were some in my friendship group in university but I often felt clunky around them. Mainly because I had this same belief that they were all interested. This same belief that every single relationship has the potential to turn sexual.

It definitely created an unrealistic expectation of what sex should be. I also think it made me believe I need sex for validation, playing a part in the troubles I've had with self esteem over the years. I believed I needed to have a period in my life where I lived a hedonistic lifestyle where I slept around a lot. I believed this was essential

My last, and only proper serious, relationship was certainly damaged by my laser focus on sex. I felt quite entitled to it and my obsession turned what should be a bonding behaviour into something that pushed us away. Throughout the relationship I would pester her that we did not have enough sex. We had a pretty decent sex life and it's easy to see that my obsession with it would have really soured her interest in it. It would have made her feel compelled to do it which is obviously the worst thing for making something attractive. It also would have clearly made her feel that I only valued her and our relationship because of sex, something that part of me clearly did.

For my next relationship I am looking forward to dropping this obsession with sex, no longer will I believe that it is the single most important part of a relationship and I won't quantify how things are going by how often we shag. I think this will help me build a much healthier bond.

The thermometer for when I can expect benefits has to be morning wood and libido. If both are absent it is a clear sign that I am in a flatline and my brain is therefore in a period of adjusting to a lower baseline of dopamine. Once these two return it should mark that this period is over and therefore other benefits of well regulated dopamine should be apparent. It obviously isn't quite this neat but I think it's a good rough guide.

I am going to remove nicotine soon. That will undoubtedly prove challenging initially so I expect my mood will dip again. A little torn on how wise it is to do it now but I have settled on doing it. If it will help my reboot, and I think it will based on nicotine's impact on dopamine, then I have to do it. I am also thinking of removing caffeine, not that I have a problem but just seems like I may as well. Two cups of coffee in the morning is hardly a big deal but I may as well tackle it too.

I also need to ensure that I begin adding stuff to my life rather than solely focusing on removing behaviours. The latter has obviously been vital and I think I probably did need to dedicate all my energy and attention to it during the first few months of my reboot. But now I need to start building the life I want and part of that is adding healthy habits and hobbies. To be fair, I have started to go to a badminton club with my mate and have been doing that for the last month now. That is positive.

One thing I'm going to do again is to start learning Spanish. I was doing that from September to December. I was spending about an hour learning each day through the comprehensible input method. From January to February I had about 10 Spanish lessons too from an online tutor. I haven't tried at all since then but I think it will be good to add it back. I will probably just download Duolingo as a start.

Apologies for the disjointed nature of this journal entry, it was more rambling to fill a bit of time whilst I waited for the train. I obviously can't browse the internet on my phone anymore haha so this seemed like a nice alternative. Very much still in the midst of the journey, there's still a long way to go, but I can be proud of how far I have come.

I do often forget just how difficult it has been for me to get here. Now that I have achieved more than 100 days without pron I downplay it and think that it's easy. But I have to remember that it took me seven years to achieve it. Earlier this year I would have been delighted if I was told that I would be on 114 days at this point. Reaching 90 days was incredibly symbolic to me once and I have forgotten that now that I'm passed it. I have to pat myself on the back and appreciate what I have done

Day 114/26 (iii) -

1. No
2. No
3. No

Day 115/27 (i) - Flatline continues still. No morning wood today. Didn’t have a wet dream but there was definitely a bit of leakage during a relatively sexual dream. Libido is still extremely low but do feel a bit more energy in my dick, still low but a little more than the past couple of weeks.

Good mood continues too. I’ve been productive this morning and that is definitely helping to sustain this positivity. Hoping this indicates my terrible mood over the last few weeks was related to withdrawing and that now I am over the initial withdrawal stage. Will keep an eye out over the next few days.

Last night I ended up deleting 2 out of the 3 dating apps on my phone. They weren’t really generating results but the main reason was because I thought it was probably time for a break. I haven’t been using them much recently anyway, I’ve had a couple of matches but, due to the flatline, I’ve not been motivated to make anything happen anyway. A deliberate break from dating may not be such a bad idea right now. I left the last one for the time being because I did have a few matches on there that could potentially lead to dates etc, even if I am not particularly motivated to pursue. I will probably delete that one too over the next few days.

What I need to be now is humble. I need to be humble in accepting that there is probably a lot of time left in my recovery and recognise that it is my responsibility to put the effort in to aid the process as much as I can. I also need to be humble in accepting that my life is in a bit of a mess right now and it will take work to get it back on track. None of this is going to happen overnight and I need to accept the position I’m in. This relates back to my previous ideas on how addiction has created an overinflated ego. Part of recovering now is to bring my ego back to Earth. I’ve noticed definite improvement on that over the last few days, but like everything else it will take work and dedication to ensure it sticks

Day 115/27 (ii) -

1. No
2. No
3. No