Day 116/28 (i) - Morning wood today, I'd say the closest to regular mw on this flatline. Probably about 40% of the normal hardness, size, intensity etc. Libido still absent. Dick seems a bit less lifeless overall, bigger and hangs lower, but still no sexual energy to speak of. Flatline continues, the most conservative timeline would say it’s been going on for three weeks now (though I think it’s probably a few days more).

Mood remains pretty positive. Nothing spectacular but there is still an overall calmness and willingness to tackle life rather than hide away. It does feel like I’m coming out of a cave, only now can I note just how bad I was feeling over the last month or so. Still too early to read too much into this boost in mood but I am encouraged that it has lasted for the last few days.

One thing I've noticed is that my dreams lately have been really positive and often obviously symbolic. I know when I woke up this morning I had two dream experiences on my mind, though sadly the exact details of each have faded. The important part is that both involved receiving comforting social validation, often in the form of overt compliments from people in the dream. It seems clear to me that this is related to my recovery, perhaps it is my subconscious processing and healing from past wounds. I also wonder if it is my brain rewiring itself to find pleasure in socialising once again.

Today marks four weeks without masturbation. I am starting to realise that this is probably the real streak, the time when significant healing is taking place. All the work I’ve done with abstaining from porn for 116 days has certainly helped but I think recovery was stalled by the frequent edging that occurred between Days 59 and 87. I think I desperately needed a fully clean deep reset and that is exactly what this 28-day streak has been. Falling so quickly into a flatline indicates this.

Feeling hopeful and optimistic about my recovery, I also have some plans to aid my overall reboot which I will detail in further posts

Day 116/28 (ii) - I’ve made the decision that I will start to tackle my nicotine addiction from today. Given that I have tried to remove any artificial dopamine spiking behaviour on this reboot, it makes no sense for me to ignore my nicotine addiction. To supplement my reboot from porn addiction I have so far removed masturbation, YouTube, mindless smartphone use, and mindless internet browsing (still doing a bit on my laptop tbf which I will tackle). I have ignored nicotine so far because I didn’t really believe that it had a significant impact on dopamine. But after researching it a little I have found out that I was mistaken. It spikes dopamine when using, meaning that it will lead to the same impacts of sensitisation and desensitisation as any other addiction.

I started smoking when I was about 17 and smoked an average of 10-15 cigs each day from 18 - 25. I slowly adjusted to vaping in Winter 2022, using disposable vapes and would go through one a day (though I would still smoke fairly often, buying the occasional pack etc). From February to August last year (2023) I was able to completely quit both smoking and vaping. For the first time since I was 17 I was completely nicotine free. Unfortunately in August I ended up buying a disposable vape on a whim and since then I’ve been vaping daily. Not smoking (very rarely I do but I can go weeks/months without a cig). Don’t think I really need to go too much into detail about how addicted I am, think most people recognise how addictive nicotine is. At the moment I’m back on going through a disposable each day. I am compulsive, spend most of the day doing it, get worked up if I can’t find it etc.

One interesting component is that I always heavily smoked/vaped when I was PMOing. It was a ritual for me. Smoking whilst masturbating to porn was truly one of the most pleasurable parts of my life, sensation overload. Each session without fail I would heavily smoke or vape. If I was vaping I would spend the whole time with the vape in my mouth. If I was smoking I would take little mini-breaks where I would roll a *** then continue masturbating whilst smoking. It does make me wonder if continuing to vape on this reboot may be slowing down my recovery. Since these addictions became heavily intertwined, would the separate neural pathways associated with each addiction eventually wire into one? I am no expert on neurobiology (as anyone who’s read this journal probably knows) but I am aware of the basic idea of “neurons that fire together wire together”. Would vaping now therefore activate a neural pathway that is associated with porn in my brain? It’s an interesting idea, Of course, the saying that "neurons that fire apart wire apart" suggests that by continuing to vape over the last 116 days I have probably disassociated the two. Still, the prospect of my nicotine addiction overlapping with my porn addiction is intriguing. Since I am completely dedicated to recovering from porn addiction by any means necessary, tackling nicotine addiction now is only logical.

The six months I spent nicotine-free last year does give me a solid template for how to tackle this addiction. I followed a pretty good method. For the first two weeks I focused on just removing cigarettes, allowing myself to vape as much as I wanted. Then I focused on removing vaping, replacing it with nicotine gum. I then switched nicotine gum with regular chewing gum. It was actually surprisingly easy for me to quit. I remember feeling slightly more irritable during the first few weeks, and there were certainly major cravings as well, but overall the adjustment plan worked really well. Nicotine gum definitely took any cravings away for me, and moving to regular gum after a few weeks worked as intended by ‘tricking’ my mind into thinking the addiction was still being met. After a couple of weeks of being a Hubba Bubba fiend I simply stopped buying gum and I was out of the addiction.

Since I have already quit smoking (it’s been about six weeks since my last cig, not deliberately just been vaping) then I can move straight to nicotine gum. It will likely be more challenging this time, I expect the withdrawal symptoms to hit harder during the first couple of weeks. I am currently in a flatline and my brain is starved of dopamine. Removing one of its last sources of artificial dopamine spikes, and one that it has been used to for a decade, will not be greeted with open arms. But I think the structured tapering approach should mitigate the shock factor and hopefully the withdrawal effects won’t be too overwhelming.

Today I am going to buy nicotine gum then and I will transition to it once my latest disposable vape runs out (which it will in a few hours at most). I will spend a couple of weeks relying on nicotine gum before swapping it with regular gum. I thought it was important to note it here so I can be fully up front about the changes going on. It must be anticipated that the next few days may result in a drop in mood and it would be wrong to ignore the most likely contributor

Day 116/28 (iii) - Another change I am making is that I will be restricting my laptop use to a one hour each day. This will be enforced by starting a one hour timer on my phone, pausing and unpausing when I’m using it.

As I’ve spoken about in detail before, I am convinced that constantly being attached to technology and the internet has a negative effect on one’s mental health. This is especially true for anyone who has developed an addiction to a specific aspect of technology or the internet. I think the mechanisms for browsing the internet on a smartphone are so similar to browsing internet porn that it likely triggers much of the same brain pathways. Any excessive screen use is likely slowing down recovery in my opinion.

On this streak I have successfully removed:
- Porn
- YouTube
- Internet use on my phone
- Overall smartphone use

The final frontier is now my laptop. Since removing unnecessary smartphone usage on Day 100, my use of the laptop has skyrocketed. I made the mistake of downloading Football Manager a few weeks ago and my brain quickly latched onto this for a form of escape. I have also been spending too much time reading internet forums and generally relying on the internet to entertain me (or, more accurately, to numb me).

I need to retain some usage so I can continue searching and applying for jobs. I’m also happy to write my journal too and continue that habit. But other than that there really isn’t any reason to use my laptop at the moment. I think an hour window is more than generous.

I also need to be careful that I don’t respond to this by using my phone more. The browser app is gone and will stay gone from my phone. I will delete any app that could be abused, I have one where I play chess on so I will delete that for the time being. I am also going to delete the last dating app on my phone. There’s no point having it right now as I’m not really motivated to date, it would be better to re-introduce these apps once my flatline is over.

The point is to force myself to be unplugged from the Matrix for as much time as possible each day. It is my firm belief that this will aid my recovery from addiction significantly. Again though, I felt the need to write about it here since it is likely to impact my mood deeply. I can surely expect to be more bored and irritable over the next few days (especially since it will be compounded by loss of vaping). Still, I feel strong enough to do it and I think now is a really good time to tackle all remnants of addiction

Day 117/29 - Flatline continues. Bit of morning wood today again though, around 30-40% of usual size, hardness etc. Libido still absent and no pleasurable sensation when touching dick. I have noticed that my dick is no longer shrivelled, it has returned to its previous size when flaccid, maybe even slightly larger.

Mood remains much better. I am really encouraged by the stable positive perspective I’ve enjoyed over the last few days. It seems to me that a lot of my negative mood during the last month was related to withdrawing from masturbation. Now that stage seems to have come to an end. I do feel that I am healing now. I am feeling a lot more optimistic and calm about life, accepting that I must be patient and give myself the time to regain my health and vitality.

My decisions to remove vaping and restrict my internet/technology use to an hour window were both very successful yesterday. I have been able to transition to nicotine gum very smoothly. Whilst that clearly is not removing my nicotine addiction, it is a really good start to overcoming it. Using a timer to manage my laptop use has also been a very effective approach. I realise that I have been craving rules on my use for some time, I’ve felt ready to reduce my screen time but the instinct to remain online needs to be actively battled with some structure. Having an hour window has really worked well so far.

Once again I am amazed at how quickly and naturally I turn to books once my tech use is restricted. For years now I have been failing to increase the amount of time I spend reading, confused as to why I had seemingly lost my passion for it. Yet it really is as simple as this, take away something that is as artificially stimulating as online use and my interest in reading returns.

Fittingly, the book I’ve been reading is Stolen Focus by Johann Hari. It’s all about how people’s attention abilities have drastically reduced in the modern era, much of it focused on the impact of smartphones, social media and general internet use. I really recommend it to anyone who is interested in this sort of thing. One section tapped into a particular area that I have been interested in over the last few months. It discusses a concept called ‘mind-wandering’ - basically when we think aimlessly, mainly during moments of boredom - and how modern living has cut into this activity. The book outlines the importance of mind-wandering, it says that it is during such aimless moments when creativity happens as well as other vital elements of being able to think clearly and generally live a happy life.

This section I found particularly powerful, hitting on something that I had certainly noticed in myself:

I know I was living in a “constant stimulus-driven, stimulus-bound environment” before. I have discussed this here, usually calling it the Matrix. And my attention span has crashed over the last five to ten years. I also believe my ability to think clearly, creatively and coherently has diminished so when I was reading this section I found myself nodding my head in firm agreement. I know this is a massive problem, not only for me but for everyone. I’m really glad to be reading this book right now, it came at the perfect moment and has definitely reaffirmed my commitment to building a life that no longer lets technology interfere with and dominate my inner world, but rather uses it as a tool in a sustainable and minimal way.

Porn was the most damaging aspect of the Matrix for me, the part that gave me the most pleasure and took up most of my time, but simply removing the sexual element of cyber use is not enough. To fully recover, I believe that one needs to change their overall relationship with modern technology. Constant stimulation can not be good for anyone. Internet porn is simply one of the more vicious and powerful parts of the phenomenon of constant internet access. Tackling the wider problem is the key to healing

Day 118/30 - Some morning wood again today. Basically the same as yesterday though, it kinda gets hard but has no staying power. There's a sense of fragility to the erection, only reaching 40% or so hardness. Libido still gone. Flatline continues. Nothing too much I can add to this. I don't anticipate a major change on this front any time soon. I've been in the flatline for more than three weeks now and I think there's a few more weeks, possibly even months, left to go.

Yesterday I was again successful in containing internet use to a one hour window. So far it has been a lot easier than anticipated. I believe this is because I have systematically reduced the appeal and potency of it over the last four months. Porn and YouTube have been cut out for months now and they made up the majority of the stimulation I received from being online. Dating apps certainly caused me some issues on this streak but their effect had been curbed by the flatline anyway, meaning I have barely noticed their absence over the last couple of days. Really the only aspect of internet use left to tackle was mindless browsing. Things like Reddit, skimming through forums like here, flicking through news sites etc. Mindless browsing has always been an issue for me and it definitely got worse during this streak, clearly trying to fill the vacuum left by the more overtly stimulating parts of the web.

Leaving this aspect behind has been comparatively easy, it was more of a residual habit rather than burning addiction I think. And it has definitely helped to clear my mind and help me to feel more present. My good mood has continued and I think that has been helped by the reduction in being online.

I have been thinking about something I read in Stolen Focus where Harri discusses Marshall McLuhan's famous quote that “the medium is the message". McLuhan wrote that iconic during the 1960s and was talking about television. His basic point was that the type of content you are watching is less important than the fact it's on television (the medium). Receiving the message through this medium trains you to see the world in a different way, thinking that the world is something that appears on a box, that life is a passive activity, that danger is around every corner etc.

Harri extends this and questions what messages we are receiving from our modern mediums. He talks primarily about Twitter as an example. He says that this medium trains us to see the world as something that can be expressed in 280 characters, that the best opinion to hold is one that is simple and quick, that one should focus on trends, should shame those who disagree etc.

The primary medium I was receiving messages from was Reddit. And what message does Reddit give? That the way to express an opinion is to be a snarky prick, that one must have a strong opinion about every subject, that someone who goes against the grain will be rejected, that you can learn about a subject through people reacting to it etc. I never posted on Reddit. I was just a passive reader, God knows why, so I was just absorbing this chit. I never really got too deep into this forum other than my journal but, if you spend a lot of time here, you may ask yourself; what is the message of this medium?

The medium is the message strikes me as an insightful and valuable statement for all of us to investigate now that our lives are dominated by the mediums of the internet and social media. I am starting to understand myself and my problems as a result of being a product of our modern world.

I have been mainly viewing my problems through the lens of neurobiology. I thought the reason porn was so destructive was because of the physiological reaction chronic users had. Whilst that is clearly true, I was ignoring the very obvious psychological effects chronic porn use must have. Think of Pornhub as a medium, what message does that give us?

I am in an unusual situation right now where restricting my internet use is possible. I recognise that for most people, and for me in the past and in the near future, avoiding the web is not realistic. We are required to use the internet for our jobs, many places now require you to use smartphones to gain access, social media allows us to keep in touch with our friends and family etc. I am not really promoting becoming a luddite, I am just looking to radically change my relationship with modern technology. I don't want to be a slave to it anymore, I don't want to unknowingly have my mind morphed by it, and I don't want to suffer the pain of addiction.

I think it is obvious that, in varying ways and to varying degrees, living in a state of constant stimulation from smartphones, apps, the internet and social media is having a negative impact on people. I also think it is possible to change one's relationship with it, to consciously unplug from the Matrix and build a life where it is a tool rather than a distraction.

It is not an easy task and I do not want to fall into "cruel optimism", something Harri also talks about in the book where you take deep systematic problems and put them on the individual. The modern world is addicting - and deliberately so. We take it for granted now that designers should try to hack into our biological vulnerabilities and exploit them for profit. We take for granted that Face Book is designed to be addictive so it can steal more of your time away. We take for granted that social media sites consciously base their design strategies on gambling sites and casinos. All aspects of the modern technological world - from smartphones, to apps, to social media and to porn sites - are designed to be addicting because we are tied to an economic system that demands growth at any cost. It is therefore not your fault that you are addicted, nor mine that I was too, it is merely the natural cost of our current system. Whilst any one individual can not change this, they can become aware of this and make efforts to reclaim their life.

Apologies that this became a bit preachy, reading that book inspired me to reflect on the corruptness of the modern layout and how fukked it actually is. To step off my soap box and get back to the journal, I have also been successful in transitioning from vaping to nicotine gum. Yesterday was the first time for nearly a year that I went a whole day without vaping or smoking. Challenge hasn't really begun yet tbf, my nicotine needs are still being met so it won't be until I swap to regular gum that it will become tricky. I am going to allow myself a week or two at least with the nicotine gum as I believe this is best done in a staggered way.

Should also note that today marks 30 days without masturbation. I know I've been celebrating every minor milestone on this journey, and it was only two days ago that I made a similar victory speech, but I am really proud to be here. It is becoming clear to me that it is this second streak that marks the timeline of real healing in my mind

Day 119/31 - Morning wood today, probably the nearest to normal I've had on this flatline. I'd say it was 60-70% of normal size and hardness.

I had some news that certainly impacted this. I think my body was injected with massive amounts of adrenaline in reaction to this news which temporarily lifted me out of the flatline. I'm not going to go into what the news is yet, it may be absolutely nothing or it could be amazing, but it should be noted that it is likely influencing me deeply. My mood has been decent. I somewhat crashed yesterday evening though and my mind has been dominated by this news. I am a ball of nervous energy. Not quite sure if this is a good thing in relation to my flatline or if it may be harmful.

Have continued to use nicotine gum and that is going pretty successfully. I had a mild urge to buy a vape or some ***s when I was in town. The idea of walking or sitting outside without some sort of handheld nicotine inhaler seems foreign to me. But I was able to resist pretty easily. The gum absolutely numbs cravings.

Have also been good with restricting internet use to one hour a day. Yesterday I even ended up using my hour in three chunks as I was sorta out of ideas of what to do on there. Once I am aware of what I'm doing it's easy to question the appeal of it. Monging out to a website only seems fun to me when there's no time limit, if I know it won't last long then it loses its interest. I do have to admit I was feeling pretty bored and under stimulated last night but that is to be anticipated when doing something like this.

One thing that’s been interesting today, what behaviours do I pursue when I'm seeking refuge from my feelings? As I've mentioned I have had to deal with some strong feelings of anticipation today, either in something incredible manifesting or the disappointment of the alternative. Sometimes these thoughts and feelings have been too much to bear. Back in the pre-reboot days, porn would be a sure fire way to hide from emotions and I would almost certainly have attempted to find solace in bingeing. To a lesser extent, YouTube would also offer the numbing effect I'm chasing, as would mindless browsing.

Without those options, how did I manage my emotional state today? I'll admit I have used Netflix as one form of distraction. I am not breaking any of my own rules by doing so but it's worth being aware of it as this would be one way to hide from emotions rather than dealing with them. But other than that my methods of handling this uncomfortable emotional state have been pretty healthy. I've been playing my guitar, singing songs that I relate to and allowing a feeling of transcendence to momentarily arise. I went up to town for a walk. I have been journaling as I'm doing now, and in one where I've explicitly written about the situation I'm in. I even recorded myself talking about it, allowing myself to privately vocalise my thoughts. Hopefully I have been able to aid my mind's job to process this information and the emotional reaction attached to it.

It seems extremely obvious to me today what functions my addictions were giving me. I was chasing stimulation so strong that it could overpower my emotions. Porn was definitely the biggest for me. Now that I'm four months clean of it the mind has to find other ways. The same inherent mechanism kicks in and it initially was happy to settle for lower stimulative activities to achieve a similar effect. Monging to YouTube did this, as did absorbing myself in Reddit etc. Now that they're out of the picture it struggles.

I'm not saying the urge to seek relief from emotional pain is warped or unnatural in any way. It is perfectly understandable why we do this. Of course, we must also understand that finding a way to ignore the pain is not the same as the pain disappearing. It stays and all that happens is that it gets suppressed, meaning you continue to carry the pain with you. What we need to do is to find an activity that channels this pain into something more understandable, or an activity that makes us more willing to confront it.

I'm not saying I am perfectly healed. Clearly my decision to turn Netflix on and attempt to distract myself shows that I am still perfectly capable of pursuing the former. But the other activities certainly allow me to channel this pain. Take playing my guitar and singing. Doing this allows me to play songs and sing lyrics that feel meaningful to my situation. This brings the emotion to the forefront and enables me to feel it in a more comfortable way (because I feel that I channelled the emotion, rather than it hitting me). Journalling allows me to analyse my feelings and become more self aware about my reaction to it. I literally would not have thought about the urge to avoid emotional turmoil unless I had written it down just now. It gives one an outlet to express these thoughts and feelings, creating a safe space to process them.

Thinking about this makes me proud of my recovery journey. I have worked hard to remove the unhealthy addictions and behaviours in my life. Whilst there's a long way to go, it seems that I have grown based on how I am responding to this most recent emotional turmoil. As I said I will probably write about the news in the future but I need to see how it plays out before coming to any conclusions

Day 120/32 - Flatline continues, minimal morning wood today and libido largely absent. Nothing particularly new to report on this front.

Efforts to reduce internet use and transitioning to nicotine gum both continued to be successful today. This is the first time going on the internet now, mainly because I was busy watching EUROs final, and I was able to resist some temptations to vape during the game. Mood was good today, despite the result lol. I was watching with my dad and step bro, and I have had a tendency to feel a bit awkward during situations like this. Today I didn’t, I enjoyed it and found chatting really easy.

Main thing I want to write about is reaching the milestone of 120 days. Four whole months of abstaining from pornography. Clearly it has been a challenging journey, one that is nowhere near over, but I have to commend myself for reaching this stage. It’s remarkable to go this long without it and it must signify that I have finally got a firm hold on this addiction. I don’t want to get to complacent but I strongly believe I have broken its control over me.

I rarely get urges to use these days. True, for the last few weeks I have been in a flatline so it has been particularly easy. But even before then I didn’t have any real desire to look at porn. I have noticed that sometimes when I’m using my laptop I get a thought that “I could go on a porn website now”. But it’s not really an urge, it’s more of an isolated statement. It’s almost like when you’re standing at a great height and you think “I could jump now”, it’s more of a realisation how easy self-destruction would be rather any real compulsion to do it.

Recovery has been slow but I definitely have received some benefits already. As mentioned before, my skin has cleared up and I can now say I am completely acne free. I also do believe my ability to regulate my emotions has improved. It has been a tricky period for me over the last couple of months but I do think I’ve managed it better than I otherwise would have. These last few days I’ve had a bit of a roller coaster waiting on this news I referred to yesterday, and I’ve noticed that I’ve been able to calmly and rationally untangle myself from getting worked up.

Other benefits have to be anticipated later down the road. It seems logical to use my erections and libido as a measurement for where I am in the recovery process. The fact that I’m in a flatline at the moment and both are absent means that my dopamine receptors are in the process of healing. Once the two of them are back, it would be more appropriate to expect other benefits from a better regulated dopamine system.

So I mark this milestone in a good mood and feeling optimistic about my future. It’s been a real journey and I am extremely proud of myself for finally beating this addiction (knock on wood). I will continue to tackle the other issues/addictions in my life and patiently wait to come out of the flatline

Day 121/33 - Last night I had a very vivid dream where I was watching porn and masturbating. I woke up in the middle of it and I had a massive erection, back to normal size. I don’t know if this indicates that the flatline is over or just that porn (even in a dream) has the ability to override it. Weirdly, despite having this sexual dream and waking up with a big boner, I had no urge to touch my dick and I doubt if it would have felt good if I had.

I’m not sure if this dream would have activated the addiction-related brain pathways but I’m not too concerned about it. At the end of the day, it was not a conscious decision and I can’t stress about something that happened in a dream. I think the fact I’d had a few drinks the evening before probably contributed to it in some way.

Just found it quite interesting really. I do not recall having a single porn dream on this streak, though I’m sure there may have been some during the early stages. It felt weird to be doing it again, even if only in a dream, and I think the fact that I woke up in the middle of it probably reflects that I have a deeply held intention to avoid it. Will be interesting to see if there are more dreams like it over the next few days or if it results in an increase in cravings. So far today though, I still feel like I am in a flatline. When I woke up for good this morning I had no morning wood. Libido seems to be MIA still.

My mood continues to be positive. It has been a week now of feeling this way, with some little dips in all fairness, and I take it as a really good sign that my mood has been so stable. Yesterday evening, as I tried to fall asleep, I felt really mentally healthy. I felt a strong level of control over myself, a nice buzz from social interactions, and optimism about the future.

One thing hanging over me is the news I was referring to in Saturday’s journal entry. I’m still not ready to write about it because I still do not know the outcome. It has been a few days of being left hanging, a state I usually hate and find unbearable. This time though I have been really calm and not let it impact my mood. I credit this to my ability to think, really think, carefully about my situation and outline clearly logical reasons why it makes no sense for me to get worked up. This feels like a new ability and I have to assume that this is related to my frontal cortex repairing itself during my addiction recovery.

When I was engaging in PMO addiction my frontal cortex was likely struggling with something called hypofrontality, where the grey matter in this part of the brain shrinks resulting in a loss of power. This meant that my rational reaction to a situation such as this was overpowered by my emotions, especially due to addiction causing a malfunctioning stress response too, resulting in me freaking out over any minor problems. Now I seem to have a much more mature reaction and a better ability to regulate my own emotional state.

Efforts to limit internet use are going well. Been doing this for a fair few days now and it has been pretty easy, certainly helped my mood and to avoid feelings of brain fog. In truth when I’m on the internet at the moment I feel a little bored, I don’t feel much compulsion to stay online which is very unusual for me.

Continuing to use nicotine gum as a replacement for vaping. I can see my dependency on nicotine reducing. In the first day or two I was getting through nearly a dozen pieces of gum a day, now it’s come down to five or six. I will probably continue on this course for another week or two before swapping it for normal chewing gum and properly remove any nicotine dependency.

Got badminton tonight. First couple of sessions I dreaded going due to feelings of social anxiety but now I find myself looking forward to it. It will be good to have a laugh with my mate and be active.

Anyway, I am feeling pretty good today as I have been for the last week. I have noticed some real improvements in my ability to influence my own mood, either through behavioural changes or cognitively, and that seems to indicate that I am reclaiming control over my life. I used to rely on internet porn, as well as the wider internet, to modulate my emotions but I now seem to be able to do that myself. Definitely a profound improvement

Day 122/34 - No morning wood today and libido remains absent. Flatline continues, must be around four weeks in it now. I don’t seem to have any other symptoms of a flatline at the moment though. For example, emotional numbness isn’t really an issue right now. Hopefully this suggests that I have gone through the worst of it and the flatline will come to an end soon. Saying that, I’m still not too bothered by the loss in libido. It has been quite nice not to be worked up about it and it suits me at the moment.

Mood remains positive. I still feel mentally healthy and definitely a lightness around my perspective that contrasts heavily with my usual outlook. Managing to do this whilst experiencing some anxiety attached to the news I spoke of before. No conclusion on that and having to wait around is really stressful. Still, I have been able to detach myself from the situation and stop myself getting too worked up about it. Definite signs of progress in a number of areas.

Been successful in avoiding vaping/smoking and restricting laptop use to a one hour window. Realised over the last couple of days that I have had an increase in smartphone use. There’s not much I can do on there, I have deleted the browser and most apps there, but I still have used it more. Just using the notes app and, mainly, ChatGPT app to talk about the news and try to get some understanding of what is likely going on. I’ve deleted that now and decided I will be conscious not to go on my phone when I catch myself.

All in all, things are pretty good and I am confident that significant healing is taking place. Avoiding behaviours that artificially spike dopamine has been the best move to aid my recovery, I can feel just how much that has created space in my mood and stopped me spiralling into low energy and low mood. I haven’t talked about it here but I have also been tweaking my diet in the last week or so, avoiding junk food and looking to eat nutritional wholefoods. The logic is the same, just want to avoid any activity that gives that quick hit of dopamine but is then followed by a crash. Without these dopamine-spiking behaviours, my brain is adjusting to normal stimuli a lot quicker

Day 123/35 - Morning wood today and it was actually relatively close to normal, at least what it used to be like 123 days ago. It’s nowhere near as hard as it was 40 days ago or so but still there can be no denying that I had morning wood today. Some signs that the flatline may be nearing its end but I do not want to rush to any conclusions. My libido is still pretty low, though really there aren’t many opportunities for me to feel sexual. I’m obviously not exposed to any sexual content and I’m not on dating apps so there isn’t necessarily any reason why I should notice whether I have an active libido or not. Maybe it is absent at the moment or maybe it’s just quiet because there’s nothing sexual to focus on.

Yesterday I was successful in continuing to abstain from vaping, finding that pretty easy so far. I probably have another four or five days of nicotine gum available so I’ll wait until that runs out before transitioning to normal gum. Not really sure what impact this has had yet, at the end of the day I’m still receiving nicotine so I’m not there is any difference yet. But I am proud of this decision, it needed to be done and demonstrates that I am tackling wider issues in my life. I think it also reflects that my prefrontal cortex has likely been strengthened by the past 123 days, ready now to really exert willpower and rational thought.

I was also successful in restricting internet use to the one hour window but did come across a challenge yesterday. I downloaded Duolingo as part of my goal to start learning Spanish again and I found myself spending a lot of time on there. It’s really the only app that allows me to use my phone and my brain definitely latched on to it. There was a period yesterday where I was on it for about an hour and I found myself getting that familiar brain fog feeling. I doubt it will be quite as stimulating now, I think it was the initial novelty, but I do need to be a bit careful that I don’t abuse being able to use my phone.

Feeling pretty good overall. Did have a little wobble yesterday evening, mainly in reaction to still not knowing the outcome of the news I spoke of, but my mood is still a lot better than it has been for several weeks. I still feel a lot healthier which is the main thing. More optimism about my prospects and still a general lightness rather than thinking everything is so serious.

It feels like my current chapter, the one I’m labelling my rehab era, is going to come to an end soon. I have a couple of job opportunities that seem to be close to happening. I also do have a waitering job that I was set to start this week, though some confusion about that but either way will probably have a few shifts at least over the next week or so. This news I speak is personal rather than professional but it certainly has the potential to radically shift how I live my life should it come off, though I must admit it seems right now that it probably won’t.

Living the last two months in this cocoon has been very difficult at times but, looking back, I think was a helpful part of my recovery. It has allowed me to go through the flatline, as well as the withdrawal impacts of removing the masturbation part of the addiction, without undergoing unnecessary stress. I think it has been a good break for me, giving me time to get my mentality back together. I feel ready to move on now though

Fapped 3x today. Best sleep I've had

Day 124/36 - Some morning wood today, less than yesterday though. My libido still seems to be absent. Touching my dick still doesn't produce any of the normal sensations and I'm not battling any real urges either to masturbate or to seek out sexual content. The idea of dedicating my time and energy towards sex seems absolutely foreign to me now. All signs point to me still being in a flatline. It has been around a month like this.

Fortunately, it appears that some of the more unpleasant symptoms of the flatline have passed. During the first few weeks of it, I had to contend with extremely low motivation (such that it was a struggle to do basic tasks, anything other than sitting down was a chore), irritability, depression and anhedonia. All of the mental symptoms have gone. I am now enjoying a pretty stable mood, it's not overly optimistic but it has a mildly positive tint at all times. I am now able to complete tasks basically at will, true they remain fairly simple but it is a vast improvement. Probably the main thing that's changed is the sense that I am now in control of myself.

What's exciting is that these changes have occurred whilst the sexual symptoms of the flatline have continued. The fact that I still have no libido, basically no interest in sex, no real spontaneous erections and morning wood remains less than normal indicates that whatever causes the flatline is still present. This may be as simple as low levels of dopamine or something more complicated such as the hypothalamus being impacted but it shows that recovery is still ongoing. If I'm noticing improvements in my mentality whilst the flatline is still occurring, just how will I feel when it is over?

My efforts to support my recovery by limiting and removing behaviours that artificially spike dopamine have continued to be successful. I haven't vaped since last week and I am now down to my last sheet of nicotine gum. Probably a day or two left until I fully transition to regular gum and quit nicotine for good. Anticipate a drop in mood for a few days when that happens but it will be worth it.

I have continued to limit my internet use to one hour each day. It has been far easier than expected and it is noticeable that I don't even use my full hour most days. I'll check my emails, apply for a few jobs, draft and then post my journal entry, maybe have a flick through a news website then I'm done. Considering only a week or so ago I was spending basically all day online in some capacity, and I'd been doing that since I was a teenager, it is pretty incredible progress. I will continue with this not only to support my recovery efforts but also because it makes me feel a lot better. I am able to appreciate being alive a lot more when I'm not constantly absorbed in a screen.

Limiting my screen time more would probably be a good objective. The use of my smartphone has crept up again. It's funny really because there are very few things I can actually do on there but it still holds a deep appeal. For example, I am writing this at 10am and I have been up since 8am. I have already knocked up 1 hour screen time on my phone. It says I have spent 26 minutes on Duolingo and 35 minutes on my notes app (which I'm using to write this). It's a bit of a tricky one as it could be argued that I have spent this time productively but I still do not like having that much screen time.

I'm not saying I want to go completely luddite but my ambition is certainly to restrict screen time as much as possible. I want to only use screens for work and in my free time purposely. For example, Netflix. I certainly am not saying I want to build a life where I never watch films or TV shows but one where I watch them purposefully. At the moment I'll often put netflix on my TV just as background noise. That's something I certainly want to avoid.

Still it's a work in progress and I am satisfied with what I've achieved in reducing online use. I believe reducing artificial dopamine spikes is not only supporting my recovery but also a recipe for a happier life. I'm noticing that my perspective on life is becoming a lot simpler and I believe the absence of overstimulation is causing this. Before I used to feel incredibly conflicted and complicated about most things. Socialising is an obvious example where I was carrying all sorts of beliefs and expectations but it could be seen throughout my life. Now I am starting to see a more innocent view re-emerge. It's too early to say anything definitive but that does seem to be the trend.

I have also been somewhat successful in adding positive habits to my life rather than just removing destructive ones. Spanish learning is a good example, have done that for the last couple of days. I have added a daily walk after reading the chapter on mind wandering in Stolen Focus. Reading itself has not been easy to integrate, I read Stolen Focus last week and then did not read another book until I bought Another Now by Yanis Varoufakis yesterday, but then I ended up reading that in a few hours. Healthy eating has been added pretty successfully over the last week too. I'd like to integrate meditation into my daily life but do struggle with that.

All in all, things are coming along pretty nicely. The news I have been referring to over the last few days has still not reached any conclusion, it has impacted me a lot and I have now decided to let go of any expectation that it will happen. It would be amazing if it did but I can't sit around waiting for it. Things feel pretty positive and I can see healing occurring.

Tomorrow I plan on stepping up my efforts to be healthy. I am going to go back to the gym and stick to it, and follow a more rigorous daily routine. The plan is to ensure that the vacuum left by PMO, the internet and nicotine is filled by healthy and sustainable habits to support my long-term recovery

Day 125/37 - Morning wood again today, pretty decent. Seems that I can now stop reporting on this as it seems pretty stable. It’s not where it was 40 days ago but I’d say it’s at the level it was pre-reboot. My libido is still pretty dead and dick is lifeless for rest of the day. Flatline continues.

I’ve been really happy with my new routine. I went to the gym for the first time in a couple of weeks and enjoyed it. My smartphone use has been very limited, did 3 lessons on Duolingo, took a few calls related to potential jobs, and that was basically it. Using my laptop for the first time now to write this up, will be on it for less than an hour. Efforts to quit nicotine have also continued well, I’ve only had two or three nicotine gums today and I’ve now only got one left. I’ll probably have that this evening to allow tomorrow to be my first day quitting nicotine.

One of my new rules is no electronics after 9pm. No laptop, no phone, not even TV. This is to encourage better sleeping habits. I tried this last night and funnily enough couldn’t get to sleep until 2am, probably because I was used to watching something to ease me into sleep. I’m sure I’ll get used to it, I think it’s important.

It’s so much better living without constant stimulation. There is more space in my mind, I feel like I can dedicate all my attention and effort to whatever I’m doing. I can’t recommend highly enough to anyone listening to try making a similar change. It feels incredibly liberating.

I’ve been reflecting on my past relationship with constant stimulation and I feel quite shocked when I thought about what a standard day looked like for me. I ran through an average day back in January and it all seemed so clear to me just how damaging it can be.

An average week day in January looked like this:
- 6.30am - 7am = Wake up. First thing I’d do was go on my phone, usually 5 minutes or so just laying in bed whilst I went on either a new site, Reddit, or dating apps (usually flicked through all three). I’d then crawl to the toilet, take a dump (whilst using my phone and vaping). I’d shower and get dressed whilst listening to Spotify or YouTube.
- 7am - 8am = Drive to work. I’d listen to a CD or the radio whilst vaping.
- 8am - 10.15am = Get into work. Open up my laptop, go on the internet and start reading news sites, go on ChatGPT, or a Google Docs page (normally writing a journal). I’d also open up a Word document for whatever my latest work task was, but I’d only tinker with it, probably doing an average of 5 minutes work an hour. After 15 minutes or so, enough so it wouldn’t look to rude, I’d put my headphones in and listen to music or a podcast. I’d also go on my phone fairly often, probably every 5 minutes or so but would only be able to stay on there for a little or risk getting caught. This would be how I’d spend my time in the office.
-10.15am - 10.25am = Take a cig break. Go to my car, vape and go on my phone.
-10.25am - 12.30pm = Back to work. Spend time doing same as before.
12.30pm - 1.30pm = Lunch break. Drive to a supermarket, get sandwich, eat in my car. Then vape and go on my phone for the rest of the time.
1.30pm - 3.30pm = Back to work, same as before.
3.30pm - 3.40pm = Cig break. Go to car, vape and go on my phone.
3.40pm - 5pm = Back to work, same as before.
5pm - 6pm = Drive home whilst vaping and listening to radio or CD. Stop at supermarket and buy dinner.

The rest of the evening usually followed two routes:
Route A
6pm - 6.30pm = Get home. Lay in bed for 20 minutes, on my phone and have YouTube on my TV (whilst vaping). Then get changed into gym clothes.
6.30pm - 8pm = Drive to gym. Do workout (whilst listening to Spotify or podcast, and also going on my phone in between sets). Drive home.
8pm - 8.30pm = Get home, make dinner. Eat dinner whilst watching YouTube on my TV and going on my phone.
8.30pm - 10pm = PMO session whilst vaping.
10pm - 10.30pm = Shower (whilst listening to Spotify or YouTube), get ready for bed.
10.30pm - ? = Get into bed whilst watching YouTube and going on my phone. Best case scenario I’d fall asleep in about an hour. Usually I’d be up until 12 at least. Not unusual for me to have another PMO session.

Route B
6pm - 6.30pm = Get home. Lay in bed for 20 mins, on my phone and YouTuve on my TV whilst vaping. At some point I’d set the wheels in motion of a PMO session, eventually thinking “**** the gym”.
6.30pm - 10pm = PMO session whilst vaping. Have thoughts that “I’m wasting my whole evening”, “I still need to eat dinner”, “If I finish now I’ll still have X hours left of my evening” but continue until around 10, wasting my whole free time.
10pm - 10.30pm = Have quick shower. Go and make dinner. Eat dinner whilst watching YouTube and going on my phone.
10.30pm - 11pm = Chill whilst vaping, going on my phone and watching YouTube. Eventually get ready for bed.
11pm - ? = Get into bed, watch YouTube, go on my phone and vape. Best case scenario be asleep by 12, but not unusual for me to still be up at 2.

As you can see, my whole day was spent in a state of constant stimulation. I never gave my brain a break, I was just bombarding it all the time. The only time I really focused on one task was when I was watching porn, I would be very concentrated during these sessions, but the rest of the day was spent ‘multitasking’. It’s no wonder I was so miserable, no wonder why I hated my job so much, no wonder why I found paying attention impossible.

January was not even a particularly unique time in my life, this would be a pretty standard day throughout most of my working life. If I was on a NoFap streak, as would not be uncommon for me in the last two years, replace the PMO session with more time spent watching YouTube, vaping and going on my phone.

Looking back I feel amazed that I didn’t understand more clearly that my lifestyle was completely self destructive, how chasing stimulation all the time is a recipe for misery. I also don’t think I’m that much of a severe case here. My use of porn was obviously more chronic than 99% of people, but I think a lot of people live in a state of constant stimulation too. It is really worrying and, I think, partially explains the massive rise in mental health issues over the last 15 years or so.

Anyway, it was really useful reflecting on this. It gives me further motivation to really commit to building a life without constant stimulation. Today has been a day that meets my new standards and I am confident tomorrow will be too

Day 126/38 - Still in a flatline, bit of morning wood today but no libido throughout the day. Last night I also had a wet dream, not concerned about it or particularly excited by it, it just signals that my body is taking care of itself. It's the fourth wet dream on this 126 day streak. Worth reiterating that I literally never had wet dreams growing up, it was only when I went on a nofap streak for more than a couple of weeks that I started getting them. I take it as a good sign of my recovery.

Today has been the first with absolutely no nicotine and I am having slight withdrawals I think. The most obvious symptom is I feel much more irritable, this has really kicked in for the last few hours. Little things are pissing me off. I also had a little spell where I felt quite negative about everything, which contrasts with how I've been feeling for the last few weeks. I didn't really put 2 + 2 together straight away, like with the withdrawals from porn it is impossible to know for sure if it related. But Occam's razor would once again state that an increase in irritability that coincides with the removal of an addiction is likely a withdrawal symptom. Despite this difficulty, I have been productive today and my mood has still been pretty good. I've continued to follow the rules I set myself and am still enjoying the liberation away from constant stimulation.

Not too much else to report, things are still ticking along quite nicely. I feel in control of myself and still feeling good about myself, despite the nicotine withdrawal symptoms. I much prefer living this way, I thought I would get bored with it after a few days but it continues to feel much more nourishing

Day 127/39 - Still in flatline, nothing new to report on that front. No morning wood when I woke up, though I actually did get an erection when I was showering when I had a slight urge to masturbate (obviously didn’t do it). No real libido to speak of though.

I continued to feel incredibly irritable after writing the journal entry yesterday, a feeling that continued well into this morning. It felt like everything was an unpleasant sensation, everything just rubbed me the wrong way. I also noticed a definite dip in mood, my outlook became more negative. I have to assume that this was a withdrawal symptom from no nicotine.This has been the second day without any nicotine so the timeline would make sense. I had thought staggering it with gum would have mitigated this but I probably didn’t do it slowly enough. Anyway, it’s not so bad now, I’ve been feeling less grumpy for the last few hours. I believe the withdrawal effects from nicotine tend to be fairly short lived so hopefully I’ll be past this soon.

Despite the nicotine withdrawal effects I have been able to be productive again today. I followed all my rules and have had no problem exerting self control. My efforts to limit my screen time have continued successfully, so much so that it doesn’t really feel like a chore now. I find myself naturally avoiding screens and not really experiencing any cravings. This may be because it still feels like a novelty to live this life, though I have been doing it for a while.

Feeling so crappy yesterday evening was actually an interesting chance for me to test out my ability to handle negative emotions. In the past I would always look to distract myself from these uncomfortable feelings through going on the internet. Without that as an option, last night I really did nothing else except lie in bed and really feel the entirety of my frustration and anger. It felt like someone was dagging little knives inside my skull. I sat there and rode it out. I believe this has allowed me to process the feeling, whether it was just a withdrawal symptom or not, and this is a much healthier way of dealing with it.

Overall, definitely a dip over the last 24 hours or so but I had anticipated that before fully quitting nicotine. Hopefully I have got over the initial withdrawals now. My mood is decent as I write this, I feel able to deal with these tough emotions and think my new daily structure provides stability that is really valuable.

Looking forward now, I have a busy day tomorrow. I am actually set to have two job interviews, though I am rearranging the second one because it is impractical to do both. I’ll then go and play badminton in the evening. The first job interview is the one I really have my eye on anyway, feeling quite confident about it (though probably a little nervous too). Hopefully this interview will signal the beginning of a new chapter in my life

Day 128/40 - Had the interview today. It went pretty well, they’ve asked me to go for a second interview on Thursday. Job seems to tick most the boxes so think it could be a good option for me. We’ll see how it goes.

This morning I had to get up relatively early, at least compared to when I’ve been getting up over the last several weeks. I was quite surprised how awake I felt and I credit the ban I made on electronics after 9pm. Been following this for the last few days and my sleep has noticeably improved, I not only fall asleep earlier but it feels like I fall into a much deeper sleep. I wonder if this has something to do with avoiding blue light for a couple of hours before sleep. Normally when I get up early, especially if I’m not in the routine of it, I feel like absolute chit. It was strange that I did not today and I take it as a good sign that what I’m doing is leading to real improvements.

Had a bit of morning wood but nothing too noteworthy. Flatline seems to be ongoing, I haven’t noticed any increase in my libido today.

My efforts to quit nicotine are going well, today is day 3 of no nicotine. I haven’t felt irritable today which is a good sign. Had to deal with a couple of triggers, certainly being nervous before an interview would be prime time for me to smoke or vape. And celebrating something good, like getting a second interview, would also normally be an opportunity for me buy a pack of ***s or something. I mean basically every life moment, significant or not, was attached by nicotine haha but definitely days like these make it a bit more difficult. But I was not tempted at all so am proud of that.

Haven’t been to the gym today and I think I’m going to give it a miss today. I’m going to badminton club with my mate later so don’t really want to overwhelm myself. Efforts to avoid overstimulation via internet have continued as normal too, redownloaded Google on my phone today as I needed to use it for directions and I’ve had no temptations to use it. I will delete it, literally only haven’t yet because I had genuinely forgot it was there, in fact I’ll delete it now whilst I remember.

Still no update on the news I spoke about a week or so ago. I have basically accepted that I need to let go of any expectation that there will be any real conclusion. I have been able to do this for the last few days, though there are still times when I get a little worked up about it. It could all still come true, something amazing could happen, but the odds seem significantly lower now than it did this time last week.

Today marks Day 40 without masturbation, a pretty good milestone. The vast majority of it has been spent in a flatline, basically three quarters of it spent with no libido, so it has far easier than expected. But I am still very proud of the strength I showed to force stop the relapse domino effect that had started, and instead used the slip up to renew my focus. That decision I think is more consequential than the one I made to quit 128 days ago. This 40 day streak feels like the one where real healing is occurring. This flatline, the first one I’ve ever really had, validates that profound change is happening

Day 129/41 - Flatline continues, I believe it’s been around 35 days in it now - though it is hard to give an exact figure as I don’t definitively know when it actually started. No morning wood today and libido certainly absent. Have been experiencing more yearnings for intimacy and companionship but there this doesn’t really involve any sexual urges.

One thing I am confident about is that I am going through withdrawals for nicotine now. Today is Day 4 of no nicotine. On Day 1 and 2 I notice a massive surge in my irritability and aggression. Today and some of yesterday I’ve noticed an increase in feelings of melancholia and a slight depressive tint to my mood. Both of these are common withdrawal symptoms when quitting anything, but certainly are very normal with nicotine withdrawals. It is hard to be mindful of this, as I experienced with quitting porn or masturbation, there is no real way of knowing if what you’re feeling is withdrawal related or not. But Occam’s razor is my favourite way of dealing with things like this and therefore I accept it is overwhelmingly likely I am going through withdrawals.

Used my phone a bit more today. I was on Duolingo a lot and wrote a little in the notes app on my phone. My screen time today is 1 hour 23 minutes, which still seems pretty high to me. That’s 43 mins on Duolingo, 17 mins on Whatsapp, 12 mins on notes (doesn’t add up to the total lol, think the rest are phone calls but it doesn’t say that). Still a lot better than it was but it’s surprising that even when it feels like I’m hardly using my phone I still clock up over an hour on it. I think I will start posting my screen time here when I remember just to keep track, probably aiming for less than an hour a day is a good idea.

Been good with the internet. This is my first time using it now and I should have no problem limiting it as normal. The only challenge today is that I need to use my laptop to complete a writing task as part of the application process for the interview I went to yesterday. It’s fairly straight forward but it means I’m going to be using the laptop and internet for more than my usual allocated time. That’s fine, anything work related is a different question but the key part will be to ensure that I stay focused and do not get distracted. I will be interested to see how it goes.

Overall, my mood has definitely dipped recently. Since the weekend I’ve been feeling a lot less positive about everything and I’ve been battling irritability and melancholia a lot more than normal. I think it’s pretty obvious that this is a direct result of my decision to remove nicotine four days ago, so it’s nothing to get alarmed about. I just need to stick to my guns and get through the next few days. I think the withdrawal symptoms for nicotine usually pass after a week, absolute worst case scenario it can take a month for the heaviness to pass. It’s not been too bad to be fair, I’ve still been functional. The withdrawal symptoms when I came off porn, and then again when I quit masturbation, were both far worse than this.

Will keep going, accepting that a bit of melancholia is part of my recovery process. I am also able to have moments of positivity too and recognise the progress I have made in overhauling my lifestyle. This is just a little speed bump

Day 130/42 - Had to get up early again for another job interview today. Again I was pleasantly surprised by how awake I felt when I got up, I wasn't groggy at all. I genuinely thought that waking up early always involved a great deal of pain, I thought it was standard that the first few minutes would be spent debating whether to kill yourself so you didn't have to get out of bed. I thought you had to drink at least two coffees before you started to resemble a human being. But having to get up early twice this week has shown me that there is an alternative.

Once again I have to credit the no electronics after 9pm rule with this. Not having any distractions or stimulation before you sleep seems to make a big difference to how quickly you go to sleep and how deeply. I always stay away from my phone and laptop after 9 now, TV is pretty much off too though it sometimes stays on until 10.

This is one of those rules I would have thought unworkable before. I would definitely have read about it and would be able to appreciate the likely benefits. But I would see it as completely unrealistic. Part of it is that when I was working the evenings would go so quick. I would have felt really hard done by during the first few weeks of this change as it would seem like my precious evenings were being eaten up. Having this temporary period of unemployment has definitely made it easier to implement this particular change.

It has definitely been incredibly impactful. I sleep a lot better. Before it would be really common for me to stay up longer than I wanted, for me to suddenly lose all my feelings of tiredness and for me to start seeing the late evenings/early hours of the morning as the prime time for me to enjoy myself. But this rule really changes my relationship with sleep. It also makes me feel a lot more relaxed in the evenings, I feel a sense of privacy and protection against the outside world. This routine seems to refresh me a lot more.

I also note that my mood has been a lot better today. The feelings of melancholy are basically gone. There are still some remnants, for example today I've had some negative thoughts about my age and the way I look, but much less potent than it was yesterday. Hopefully indicates that the worst of the nicotine withdrawals are over. It is only Day 5 though so I won't feel completely out of the woods until Day 8, and probably even Day 15.

Flatline continues, as I'm sure you could predict. No morning wood today and my libido is still absent. I'm definitely showing more interest in girls but there is still a bit of a disconnect with my libido. For example, today at the interview I was shown to the room by a secretary about my age. She was cute and I definitely thought it when I saw her, and even somewhat enjoyed speaking to her more than the average person. But I go no reaction in my libido, no drive to flirt with her, and no real noticeable change to speaking with anyone else. I definitely am feeling the absence of intimacy in my life more, I feel a sense of longing for it which hasn't been present for a few weeks, but the drive and interest in sex is still basically zero.

The fact the flatline is still ongoing makes me patient for other benefits. I do not expect any real improvements whilst I am without libido as this indicates my brain is still in the process of recalibrating to the new lower baseline of dopamine. I am now 130 days clean of porn and six weeks clean of masturbation. I am proud of both streaks but recognise there is a long way to go. The flatline shows no real sign of coming to an end and so I must accept that there is likely weeks, and even months, still to go until I come back out of it.

Despite the need for patience, there has been some real signs of improvements. My willpower has become a lot stronger over the last month. This is shown by my ability to quit nicotine, continue abstaining from masturbation, maintain discipline with my laptop use and start following a rigid daily structure. This indicates that my prefrontal cortex really has started to recover from the damage it received from years of porn addiction.

So I find myself feeling quite positive overall today. I feel proud of the changes I have made and fairly confident about the payoff I will receive in the future. I know I need to stay consistent though. I need to keep going like this. I await the return of the libido like a ship awaits the lighthouse during a storm. It's return will signal that my brain has recalibrated the reward system and that will mean life should become more enjoyable. Until then I must remain patient and continue building a lifestyle that avoids artificial dopamine spikes

Day 131/43 - Flatline continues. Morning wood absent again, no libido to speak of. No sexual energy at all. Pretty crazy how long this has been going on for now, 36-37 days of this.

Mood in the morning was not the best. Nothing too negative but certainly not in the best spirits. Probably because I had a job interview looming over me. I also found myself really craving intimacy, carrying that burden a bit more than normal this morning. Felt a little mopey, though completely functional once again.

In the afternoon I had the interview, which seemed to go fairly well, and I still wasn’t in the best mood. I had more irritability and felt quite pissed off at the world. So far this evening I’ve stabilised a bit and feel quite relaxed, but definitely can still feel that something is nagging at me. Just feel ratty most of the time. It’s Day 6 of no nicotine so I expect that’s why. Yesterday I also found myself dipping again into melancholy and irritability. The general trend since I quit nicotine has been a deterioration in my mood as the day goes on. Normally the first half of the day is spent in relatively good spirits which then gets replaced in the afternoon by grumpiness and a sluggish feeling. That wasn’t quite the case today, I wasn’t exactly breezy this morning, but the general trend still rings true. Hopefully, as I near the end of the first week of no nicotine, I will soon be out of the withdrawal stage as it has been harder than I thought to be honest.

Today I have 1 hour and 9 minutes of screen time on my phone (39 mins on Duolingo, 8 mins on notes, 8 mins on maps, rest on call or under 1 min use of other apps). Pretty good. Still finding this aspect pretty easy to manage. My phone is not particularly tempting most the time because there really isn’t anything too stimulating I can do on there. Duolingo is the most stimulating option and that is still pretty low-key and at least involves something productive.

I have hit another tough patch on this reboot. Entirely self-imposed as I’m 99% sure my negative mood this week has been directly caused by the decision to fully quit nicotine. It’s a challenging time but I am getting through all right and have been able to retain good habits like meditation, sleeping early, exercise and reading. I anticipate another few days of mood swings related to nicotine withdrawals, perhaps followed by another week of lesser symptoms, before I return back to the improved moods I’d been enjoying over the last few weeks.

Flatline shows no real signs of stopping. A couple of weeks ago I was getting much stronger morning wood and I had taken that as a sign that I was likely exiting the flatline, but I’d say I have dropped deeper into it over the last week. This may also be related to the removal of nicotine, if the flatline is mainly caused by low dopamine then removing a key source of dopamine (nicotine) probably caused my brain to feel the impact of the flatline more acutely.

Overall though, I remain very optimistic about the reboot and proud of how I am doing. This week has been tricky but I am nearly through it, quitting nicotine is a great achievement and I’m really happy with the willpower and strength I have shown. I’m specifically happy about how I have maintained good habits despite the emotions challenges of the withdrawals as this shows that I can now remain disciplined even when times are hard. My reboot away from PMO continues effectively, I just need to be patient and wait for the return of libido. When I start getting that sexual energy back that will signal that deeper healing in my brain has occurred. Until libido returns it would be silly to expect any profound changes in my mood and mental abilities

Day 132/44 - No morning wood once again today. Flatline clearly continues. Starting to forget what it actually is like to have a libido, I even started wondering if this may be a permanent state of affairs now. I’ve done exactly what I swore I’d never do when the flatline began, I’ve switched from greeting it as a sign of recovery to now being scared if it will ever end. I have read enough about the flatline to know that it does end but it is still hard when you are in the midst of it. Part of me does question whether my libido will ever return despite the research I’ve done. I can understand why some guys fall into the pitfall of checking porn at this point in the journey to check if they can get aroused that way, though I still have enough wits to avoid doing that. I just have to stay patient and wait for it to end. As I’ve said many times before, the return of libido will be a clear sign that significant healing has taken place and therefore other benefits will be expected to. Until then I can only wait.

Mood is slightly better today but there is still an undercurrent of self-doubt and melancholy. I was at the gym earlier and felt feelings of profound loneliness. This feeling clearly does have some legitimacy but it was not attached by any real drive to pursue connections, instead it just felt like a stick to beat my self esteem with. I am now on Day 7 of no nicotine and I think the withdrawal symptoms are stabilising a bit, though I would be pretty confident that my mood today is still being heavily influenced by the lack of nicotine.

I was thinking this morning about how switching from cigarettes to vaping may have actually worsened my nicotine addiction. Of course the change is good in terms of lung health and reducing cancer risk, but in regards to the neurochemistry I image it increased my dependency on nicotine. I went from 10-15 cigarettes a day to constantly having a vape in my mouth, meaning that my nicotine intake went from once an hour to basically every minute. I used to joke that I often forgot what oxygen tasted like when I was vaping and this is not far off the truth. My brain would have become accustomed to receiving a nicotine hit constantly and it surely would have had a much more destructive effect on my dopamine baseline levels. The amount of desensitisation that must have occurred from this boggles the mind.

I have been able to be fairly productive today, I got up early and have been to the gym, taken a call related to a potential job, and have read a lot. I’ve not spent much time on my phone, my screen time is 1 hour and 3 minutes (with 53 minutes of that being on Duolingo). Happy with how I’ve changed my relationship with the internet over the last month, and even happier how I’ve been able to stick to my own rules. This is a noticeable improvement, I have far greater self control now than I ever had before.

Been a while since I’ve really focused on writing about the reboot away from porn and masturbation. This is mainly because of the flatline resulting in no urges or temptations, basically avoiding porn has been easy because I really have no interest in it right now - the same for masturbation. But I note today that I'm nearly 19 weeks clean without watching porn. Really happy with my progress and quite amazed it has been this long. I need to wait out the flatline before assessing any of the benefits or the true extent of its impact. I wish I could predict how long the flatline will go on for but it would purely be guesswork. Most flatlines I’ve read about last from a few weeks to a few months so a reasonable assumption would be it should come to an end sometime in the next 8 weeks. But I’ve also read about flatlines going on for several months or even years so there is certainly no guarantee.

It’s tough but I know I just need to carry on. Focusing on other areas of self improvement, like quitting nicotine or ensuring I live a healthy lifestyle, is wise at the moment since there seems little I can do to influence the flatline. I do still take it as incredible validation of everything I’ve been writing about, the fact this addiction interferes with users so deeply that it can cause a complete, though thankfully temporary, loss of libido is insane. I used to read about the flatline and be fairly nonplussed by the whole thing, it’s only by experiencing it that you realise just how powerful porn must have been to be able to cause this. Looking forward to the day when I can write here that the flatline is over

The most productive men in history ejaculate every day.

I tried telling you this was a mistake, boyo.

The most productive men in history weren't porn addicts, boyo. Can just imagine Napoleon sneaking in a 5 hour gooning session before invading Russia

I haven't noticed any major accomplishments in yiur diary with all your new free time either

I never claimed to be productive just disputing the other guy's claim. You really agreeing with his assessment lmao?

Anyway, I'm still in the process of quitting (in an active flatline) so now's not the time to judge. Wait till I've fully recovered and then we'll see what impact it's had on my productivity. Though should note I've been pretty productive in radically improving my lifestyle (quitting nicotine, reduced screen time, exercise, meditation, healthy diet, back into reading etc), seems like a pretty wise way to spend my new free time, though perhaps our definitions of productivity differ (imagine you judge yours based on how many hours of porn you watched in the gym that day etc)

133/45 - Woke up feeling relatively good but it quickly turned into a foul and vicious mood. I felt bitter, resentful, self-loathing and self-pitying, combined with really bad brain fog and low motivation. Quite similar to how I’ve been feeling over the last week, to be honest.

I decided to go into town in the morning as I thought the fresh air may do me good. Walking around people certainly didn't help, I found the crowds very annoying and I couldn’t think of anything to distract myself. I ended up sitting outside a cafe and having an iced coffee just to give myself a little break.

The turnaround to my mood after the first sip of coffee was remarkable. I suddenly felt engaged with the world, completely clear-headed, all my problems seemed to shrink in size and potential solutions seemed abundant, and being alive just felt pleasant. This boost has continued all day, I am writing this several hours later and I still feel good. Clearly, it was the intake of caffeine that made such a drastic difference to my mood.

I am unsure if I’ve detailed it here, but for the last few weeks my caffeine intake has decreased massively. I normally drink two cups of coffee per day but for the last two weeks I think I have only had a total of three cups of coffee (not including today). This has not really been a conscious effort on my part to quit caffeine. I suppose the initial explanation in reducing coffee was that I was aware drinking it would likely trigger cravings for nicotine, as I would often enjoy a cig (or a vape more recently) with a coffee. But I think my avoidance of it is mainly because of my general ‘anti-artificial stimulation attitude’ that I’ve been developing over these last few months. I could see that the arguments I’ve made on here about internet porn, web browsing and nicotine could all be generally applied to nicotine. So without making any real decision I’ve just abstained from caffeine on a daily basis.

That’s all well and good, I’m happy that my attitude is so deeply ingrained, but the danger is I may be putting too much of a burden on myself. I am quitting nicotine (Day 8), am actively in a flatline as I adjust to life post-porn addiction and have radically limited my use of the internet. Removing caffeine on top of this may be unfair to myself and probably explains why the nicotine withdrawals have hit harder than expected. For the last week I’ve not only had to contend with nicotine withdrawals but also the consequences of not receiving my usual intake of caffeine, a catastrophic combo. I did know this was probably playing a part but I didn’t read too much into it because removing caffeine has been so easy. Since it wasn’t a challenge at all, and because I never really made a concentrated decision to quit, I didn’t give it much thought at all. The transformation in mood today shows me a clearer picture.

I am somewhat torn as to how I should react to this revelation. The obvious option is to re-introduce caffeine in a controlled way, probably one cup of coffee per day, and think about quitting once I have overcome my more pressing dependencies. This has the advantage of lifting my mood over the short-term and reducing the overall burden, allowing me to focus my attention on continuing to quit porn and nicotine. But there is a part of me that is wondering if may be worth persevering with my current set up. I could now pledge to quit caffeine, having already gone through a couple of weeks of withdrawals, and grit my teeth through the next couple of weeks. My mood will be fukked as I battle the combo of nicotine and caffeine but if I persist I will have conquered both in one clean swoop.

As to how much harm caffeine is doing to me, I haven’t really put much thought into it. I would doubt it has that much of an impact. Two cups of coffee a day doesn’t seem excessive. Removing it was more about my general attitude, once you have digested the message that excessive artificial stimulation is harmful it becomes hard to tolerate any external dependencies. My general instinct is that I want to be free of anything artificial that I have become reliant upon to function, even if it has only minor effects on my wellbeing.

I think the sensible option is to gently reintroduce for the time being. The truth is that my mood has been brutally bad for the last week, it probably wouldn’t be fair on me or my family to unnecessarily prolong it. If one cup of coffee is going to make withdrawing from nicotine that bit easier than that seems like a wise thing to do. I will look to remove caffeine sometime in the next few months, certainty waiting until my nicotine cravings are under control and probably also waiting until the end of the flatline too.

Other than this interesting development, I have little to report today. Flatline is still ongoing, morning wood has definitely reduced in intensity and frequency over the week. I did notice when I was sat outside the cafe that I was showing more instinctive interest in the girls walking by. It’s been pretty warm here today and seeing chicks wearing skimpy outfits did cause a bit of reaction in me, though it was predominantly mental rather than anything physical. I’d say there was a twinge of libido present but it pretty short lived, it felt like the cough of an engine that ultimately doesn’t ignite.

Efforts to limit my internet and smartphone use have continued successfully. Barely been on my phone at all, my screen time for today is 37 minutes. Really not facing any temptations to go on the web, I feel a lot more satisfied reading on a printed page rather than on a screen. Been buying a newspaper to negate the need to go on new sites, and reading books has become a much more rewarding type of passive activity rather than mindless browsing. I’ve been reading Anne Frank’s diary since yesterday and have really enjoyed it. It’s been humbling to compare her diary (about a child facing an unimaginably horrific experience with dignity) and my diary (about a grown man complaining whilst living in complete freedom and safety). It certainly helps to put my issues in perspective.

Anyway, writing this I am feeling pretty positive. My efforts to tackle my addictions have been really effective and I think I have now been through the worst of the adjustment pains. Reintroducing caffeine should lighten the emotional burden and I anticipate an immediate improvement in my mood. The profound benefits I am chasing, the neurochemical rebirth, are still some way off yet. It will probably take a few more weeks, maybe even a couple of months, for the nicotine withdrawals to fully balance out. And the most powerful changes, those related to my reboot away from porn, will not be noticeable until my flatline is over. When that will be is anyone’s guess.

But there is now a sense of inevitability about the transformation happening. Today’s experience with caffeine gave a little insight into how powerful these addictions and dependencies can be on mood and wellbeing, and just how much the process of quitting affects the user. Having this experience makes it a lot easier to comprehend what is likely going on in my brain now. If caffeine - a stimulant that I had a pretty controlled and stable relationship with - can cause such a dramatic affect imagine how strong the internal response has been to the removal of the real dependencies in my life (porn, nicotine, and the wider web). It is far easier to be patient and persist through these challenges when I hold this certainty that it will pay off. Doubting the process is very much part of the process though, so I must deeply cherish such times of clarity as they are only momentary

Nah I don't measure productivity cause I'm not interested in it. My only goal is to be happy, which I am.

Gooned two hours this morning, then worked out outside. Now I'm heading to the baseball game with my wife and friends.Was that productive? who cares

You were the one who initially questioned my productivity lol so don't now pretend you're above it

where did I question your productivity? I said you didn't have any major accomplishments

Lol that is questioning my productivity you dink

not at all. you can be productive without a major accomplishment.