Porn is a major distraction. Save all your sexual energy, work out hard and invest the sex drive into useful things like career, gym and long term partner

Note: I wrote this up this morning but only posting now -
Day 134/46 (i) - I write this as I sit on the balcony in the glorious sunshine with a big mug of coffee, the result of my decision yesterday to gently re-introduce caffeine. Part of the reason I’m writing this now is because I’m interested in recording the impact its consumption has on me. It’s about 9am, I’ve been awake for two hours. I wanted to make sure I left at least 90 minutes between waking up and drinking coffee so I don’t grow too dependent on it to make me alert. I used to feel so groggy in the mornings and I don’t want a return to that.

I didn’t end up getting too much sleep last night, I fell asleep about 1.30am and woke up at 7am. Waking up naturally so early after only five and half hours sleep was a surprise, but not as surprising as waking up feeling fully alert and rested. This is the unexpected aspect of my rule banning electronics after 9pm. I predicted that I would sleep for longer due to falling asleep quicker, and therefore I anticipated waking up more rested because I’m sleeping more hours. But I did not expect to be able to feel so alert after a chitty night’s sleep. It has shown me that the harm of blue light and excessive stimulation is not restricted to delaying sleep but also clearly impacts how deeply we fall into our slumber.

About halfway through my coffee now, I don’t feel too different. I was in a decent mood and that has continued. It seems that caffeine has acted as more of a defensive move, ensuring that my good spirts are retained, rather than an offensive gain.

Should come as no surprise that my flatline continues. I have been in it for roughly 40 days now. Basically six weeks spent with no libido and a massively reduced frequency and intensity of erections. That’s just the sexual side effects of the flatline, there’s no way of knowing just how much it is impacting every other aspect of my life. The sexual dysfunctions suggest there is something happening with my dopamine levels, probably an overdue crash and then the slow process of building up normal dopamine production and sensitivity. If this is what’s happening, and there isn’t really any other explanation, then the symptoms would certainly not be limited to sexual symptoms. It would impact anything that involves dopamine, therefore impacting basically everything.

Day 134/46 (ii) - Nearly finished my cup now. I must admit the most noticeable change has been an increase in cravings for nicotine, specifically for a cigarette. It would perfectly supplement the coffee as well as the beautiful scene I have. I’m sitting on my balcony, in amazing weather, with the sea paralleling me and feeling incredibly peaceful. Smoking fits so perfectly into this picture.

I must confess that smoking was an integral part of my own idealised view of life. Smoking seemed to me to be the ultimate form of living in the moment, valuing the pleasure of the moment so much you are willing to pay for it with the shavings of your own life span. It also fit a general aesthetic I love, that of the Mediterranean. Since I was a young teen I’ve loved everything about the countries in that region. I love the culture, the food, the weather, the people, the history, and the architecture. I love the emphasis placed on family and how expressive they are emotionally. I love the women, with their gorgeous dark features and feisty personalities. But more than anything, I love the lifestyle - or, more accurately, the idea of the lifestyle. It’s not that I wished I was from the Mediterranean, it’s that I wished to be a foreigner who was accepted completely in the culture - think Jude Law in Talented Mr Ripley for my ultimate aspiration.

My affinity for the Mediterranean has not been limited to my inner world, it has dominated my personal relationships and personal history. My best friend at university, really the best friend I’ve ever had, is Greek. The two serious relationships I’ve had? Both of them were with Spanish girls. It’s not as if I sought out these connections due to their nationalities. I met my best mate because we lived in halls together during my first year, I met Spanish Girl #1 because she was friends with my housemate’s girlfriend, and Spanish Girl #2 on Tinder. It just seems that I seem to find connection with people from Mediterranean cultures. I was also set to move to Greece after university, was going to work for my mate’s dad, but ended up coming home after three weeks due to lack of funds and dire mental health. I have been to visit him several times and it is an important place to me. I actually only went to Spain once whilst I was in a relationship, it was with Spanish Girl #2 (who is my longest relationship, the one I’ve written about on here pining after). I went to visit her when she went back home for the summer, and had three weeks living the sweet life with her.

The fact that I was miserable and did not appreciate these wonderful relationships and experiences is beside the point, I detail them here to press home the importance of the Mediterranean in my psyche. And, for whatever reason, smoking - and its lamer brother vaping - is deeply associated with it in my mind. When I light up a cig, I feel connected to the parts of me that value the Mediterranean life. I feel connected with the beautiful people from my past who I no longer know. I feel connected to the young teen I was and everything the Mediterranean represented to him. I can’t fully explain why. Part of it is because smoking is definitely more popular over there. Part of it is because it was joint activity with my best mate and Spanish Girl #2. I can remember countless times where me and my mate were sat on a terrace somewhere chatting away whilst smoking, or sharing a cig with the girl I loved after sex. I still can’t explain why smoking equals the Mediterranean in my mind, mostly it’s an idea, something ethereal that holds so much meaning to me.

Therefore, quitting nicotine for me is not just losing out on a chemical I’d grown dependent on but something much more spiritually painful. It was one of the main methods I had to stay connected to my values and my youth. It may be an extremely unhealthy way of doing it but I maintain that it is vital to find a way to connect with who you are on a deeper level. I mean that in a much less New Agey way than it sounds.

I need to learn that removing smoking does not mean the death of the Mediterranean lifestyle for me, and all that means to me. I can still enjoy a scene like today, the Poundland version of the Riviera that it is, without nicotine. I can still stay connected to the part of me that loves the culture, the people and the lifestyle. I can still try to embody the Mediterranean and still allow it to guide my decision making in life. In fact, quitting nicotine leaves a vacuum that can be filled with activities and behaviours that do a better job of strengthening these connections than smoking ever did. The only challenge is to identify them and integrate them into my new lifestyle

Day 134/46 (iii) - It’s a bit later now, nearly 12pm. I’ve been to the gym and had a thorough chest and triceps workout. There was a girl working at the gym, she was hoovering the floors as I was doing my sets. She was blonde, couldn’t really get a great look at her face but she reminded me of a young Cybill Shepherd, not my usual type but very cute. But the main reason she warrants an entry in the journal is because of her ass. Holy **** it was nice. I’m not sure if it truly was as world class as it seemed or if it just reflects how starved of sexual stimuli I’ve been, but it hardly matters. Spectacular.

The sight of such a wonder triggered an interesting reaction in me. There’s no denying that my eyes lingered, I couldn’t help it. I mentally felt like a starving man looking at a ribeye steak but there remained a physical disconnect. There was noticeable silence, an aching vacuum, where my libido should have been. Every part of me as waiting for the libido to turn up, yet all were left disappointed. For the first time in this 40 day flatline I felt frustrated by the absence of my sexuality.

There is definitely an emasculating aspect of looking at at an incredible ass and feeling no physical response. Leaves you feeling impotent, like an old man or a young child.

But thinking it through now, what really is the change from the response I would have had during my days as a porn user? I’d be at the gym, I’d see a fantastic ass, I’d get excited… and then what? Would I use this surge in sexual energy to go up and talk to her? No chance. Would I use the experience to motivate me to work hard (at the gym etc) so I could become the type of man who bags a girl like that? Nope. Would I even simply enjoy the feeling of being alive and the natural pleasure of being attracted to someone? Definitely not.

Instead the experience would be used as the focus of that evening’s PMO session. I’d get home and spend hours searching porn sites for any stars that remotely resembled the gym girl. The hunt for the closest match would be a significant portion of the fun. After a few hours I would have settled on 3 or 4 stars to cast in the fantasy - even now I can name a few who I’d cast for the girl I saw today. I’d then use the videos to pathetically fuel a fantasy where I was actually shagging this girl.

Examining it this way shows that my sexuality truly had been morphed. This is not the way a healthy man expresses his sexuality, this is not the behaviour of a functioning libido. This is a solipsistic and lonely excuse for it. Therefore it can be seen why the flatline is such a necessary part of recovery. The sexuality I had spent the last 15 years building needs to be destroyed so that a healthy one can take its place. Having a period of no libido is required so that a vibrant sexuality can rise up from the ashes. I hope it doesn’t last too long but I will happily be patient for such a change. I am truly excited about having a proper libido, a healthy sexuality, and not the lonely one of a porn addict

Day 135/47 - Woke up with some morning wood today, probably the hardest for at least a week or two. Still didn’t really come with any sexual interest or drive though, flatline marches on. I also had another dream last night where I was watching porn and masturbating, I think that’s the second in a few weeks now. Not concerned about it I just find it interesting that it occurs considering I am in a flatline and it has been more than four months since I quit. Wasn’t a wet dream to be clear.

In terms of the reboot, there’s very little I can say at the minute. Racking up days away from porn and masturbation has been incredibly easy over the last six weeks because I have no interest in sex. It’s really hard to judge progress whilst in a flatline, only that to be in a flatline is in itself a sign of progress. Clearly something major is happening but it’s all happening under the hood. Also hard to judge how the reboot is impacting my mood, there are so many variables impacting me at the moment. For example, it’s obvious that quitting nicotine has influenced my mood more than anything else over the last 10 days. The only change I am very confident is due to the reboot is a drastic improvement in my self control and will power

Day 136/48 - No morning wood today but I did get a random erection about 20 minutes after waking. What’s more, I actually felt quite sexual and had an urge to touch my dick, feeling mildly frustrated when I resisted this urge. I can’t recall feeling this sexual in some time, I’d say the most I’ve felt horny during this flatline. Is this a sign that the flatline may be coming to an end? It’s too early to say but it does seem like a positive development. Will need this to happen with more frequency before I can start placing too much importance in it, and I would also require morning wood to be consistent before beginning to consider the end of the flatline. But it is still nice to notice a move in the right direction.

One aspect that has definitely improved over the last few weeks is that I have stopped biting my nails. I’ve written about this nasty habit before, though probably not for a while. I’ve been a nail biter since I was young boy, and worse I’m one of those weirdos who bites the skin on their fingers. Lifelong problem that I’ve never been able to kick. Have had some success over the last year in reducing the amount I do it but would usually been unable to last more than a few days without succumbing to it. These last few weeks, in contrast, have been absolutely perfect. I haven’t even been trying that hard. Once again I credit increased self control, likely due to my frontal cortex recovering from hypofrontality.

I also have to reiterate that my skin is still looking really healthy and continues to improve. I very rarely get any acne now and, if I do, it heals much more quickly. My skin feels thicker some how and there is a glow, though this is probably mainly due to it being summer. All in all, my skin has radically improved over the last 136 days. One of those Nofap benefits that I was thought was bullchit but has turned out to be spot on.

Efforts to quit nicotine continue successfully, it’s now Day 11 with no nicotine. Hoping I don’t jinx it but it appears that the worst of the withdrawal symptoms are over. Reintroducing caffeine was a wise decision as it seems to have stopped my mood swings and anger. I’ve ended up settling on two cups of coffee each day, with the first to be consumed no earlier than 90 minutes after waking. I will certainly look to reduce and remove caffeine at some point, but I doubt these efforts will start for a least another month or so

Day 137/49 - Bit of morning wood again today, felt pretty big though probably still only about 50% of hardness pre-flatline. Definitely noticing a big increase in sexual energy today too. I felt it all day, an energy in my groin area and caught myself thinking about sex a number of times. It’s still relatively subtle compared with the horniness I used to feel, and I’m not getting any random chubs, but this does feel like a very positive development. Still too early to definitely say what’s going on and certainly far too soon to discuss the implications this has on the flatline, but it’s a good sign.

Mood has been good today. I have had some ups and downs over the last few days, though reintroducing caffeine on Saturday did seem to curb the massive mood swings. Today I have felt stable and rooted in an optimistic perspective. Perhaps this is connected to the increase in sexual energy or it may just be a coincidence. I’ll keep track over both my mood and sexual energy over next few days.

Day 12 of no nicotine and the cravings seem to have basically disappeared now. For the first week I was chewing gum like a maniac to deal with the cravings, but for last couple of days I haven’t felt the need to constantly chew gum. As weird as it sounds, I still do miss having something in my hand and mouth at times (number of jokes can be made here). I feel it when I’m walking somewhere or when I’m sitting outside just chilling, but these are still only fairly mild cravings.

Overall then, there are plenty of reasons to be optimistic today. Mood and self-esteem are great today and I feel a bit of a swagger about me. The return of sexual energy is warmly welcome and it will be interesting to see whether this continues over the next few days

Been thinking a bit about how to connect with the ‘Mediterranean’ part of me without resorting to smoking. I’m pleased with how I identified the emotional nourishment I was getting from nicotine. I don’t think it is solely restricted to the Mediterranean validation that I spoke about, for example I think the fact my Dad smokes is also very likely a key part of my relationship with nicotine. The important part is recognising that there is an aspect of addiction beyond chemical dependency.

I think this is the case with all addictions, I think there has to be an emotional attachment as well as the dopamine dependency. And I think identifying that connection, asking what emotional nourishment the addiction is offering, and then figuring out if there’s a healthier way of receiving that, is a key part of recovery.

That’s one of the key differences in my mind between an addiction and a compulsion. Addiction has to offer something more than just a dependable source of pleasure, it has to have an emotional component to it. I think one of the vital aspects is that the user’s ideal self image involves the addictive behaviour to some degree. Even if 99% of them wants to quit, there’s that 1% that still values the behaviour and sees it as an essential part of their identity.

I was certainly that way with nicotine, as I outlined a couple of days ago, and that’s why I qualify it as an addiction for me. Porn was very similar. It wasn’t just the novelty and stimulation I found so intoxicating, I also found deeper emotional satisfaction in identifying myself as a porn user. Why would that be, you may ask, and I accept it is a very odd statement to make. Well, I think identifying as a porn user was really about viewing myself as a very sexual person. I thoroughly valued having a high libido as an essential part of my self image, and regular porn use was the best way for me to validate that. Somehow I believed that a daily hedonistic pursuit of sexual gratification was a potent expression of masculinity, vitality and - strangely - intellectuality. Being a promiscuous man was an integral part of my self image. Since I was not able to actually live the life of an A-lister, I turned to porn to validate this part of me. There are other things that porn ‘gave’ me and my identity, but this one is sufficient to make my point. Porn was essential to my self image, nourished my fragile identity, and therefore qualifies as an addiction for me.

Porn and nicotine are my only addictions, I now believe. I have had trouble managing other behaviours in my life but none of them were providing me a sense of identity. Take the internet in general. I certainly had an issue with how I was using the web, I was spending all day, everyday online and the idea of being without constant internet access used to fill me with dread. Yet being a heavy internet user was never part of my idealised self image, in fact it clashed with my preferred identity in several ways. This explains why quitting has been tricky but nowhere near as painful as quitting porn or nicotine. I feel no lingering affection for excessive internet use because it was never a part of my self image. Therefore I categorise excessive internet use as a compulsion rather than addiction.

This is obviously not a particularly scientific analysis, there are no neurobiological differences between an addiction and a compulsion for example, but I do think there’s value in categorising and prioritising issues in this way. It helps me to understand what was causing the most damage and allows me to find ways to amend my self image so I do not need to resort to addictive behaviours.

I think the way to handle it is to first outline what the addiction is providing your identity (as I have done), then question whether you want that to be part of your idealised self image going forward. For example, smoking was a way for me to validate the part of my identity that values the Mediterranean lifestyle. The first question is, do I want to retain that part of my identity? The answer for me is yes. I think a passion for Mediterranean culture is healthy, wanting to celebrate a slower pace of life is fine, trying to keep alive the spirit of past meaningful relationships is sweet, and pursuing the identity of a foreigner comfortable in these cultures is a worthy goal. The second question is, therefore, are there other ways to validate this part of my identity? For this one there are countless. Instead of smoking, I can learn a Mediterranean language (as I am doing). Instead of smoking, I can learn to cook more Mediterranean meals. I can try to travel to more areas of the Mediterranean. I can try to rebuild the relationship with my best friend from university. I can take more interest in my fashion and express this part of my identity that way etc. The emotional nourishment that smoking was providing me can still be met in a variety of ways.

It becomes a little bit more complicated if you’re not sure you want to retain the identity the addiction was reinforcing. For instance, the part of my identity that porn was validating. Do I want promiscuity to be part of my idealised self image? Do I want to continue valuing hypersexuality as an expression of masculinity? Let us for a minute assume the answer to these questions is yes. We then move to the second question, how do I validate this part of my identity without using porn? The obvious replacement is to start sleeping with a lot more women, a lot more frequently. To try and quantify it, would shagging 12 different women a year - averaging one a month - satisfy and validate this part of my identity? I suppose it would. This target is certainly high for me, I have had a total of 11 sexual partners in the eight years I’ve been sexually active so 12 a year would be a big jump, but probably not impossible (assuming I lower my standards a bit). I could even make the process far easier if I were to drop my moral qualms about paying for sex. The cost of replacing the validation in this way would be that a committed relationship would be impossible. There would also have to be an acknowledgement that promiscuity is never satisfied - if I did sleep with 12 women in the next year, I’d want at least 13 the year after. Does this seem like a healthy way to express my sexuality? Never being in a relationship, coldly trying to shag as many women as possible like some sort of malfunctioning terminator. Clearly it doesn’t sound like a life filled with love, meaning and happiness.

So we go back to the second question and instead answer, “No, I no longer want to hold up promiscuity as an integral part of my identity”, “No, I no longer want to believe hypersexuality means being a proper man”. Okay, then what? How do we go about actually changing identity and we believe is important and worthy? I think the first step is to work out what new belief I want to replace it with.

Promiscuity is out, does this mean my new identity will value abstinence and see all sex as immoral? No, I certainly don’t want to flip from one extreme to another. I want sex to play an important part in my new identity, I still want to enjoy the pleasures of sex. But I want to lower the significance I place on it. I don’t want to believe sex is the most important part of life. I don’t want to judge myself based on how much sex I’m having with how many different people. I don’t want to see sex as a justifier for any action. Instead, I want to see sex as an important, but not dominant, part of a relationship between two people who are attracted to each other. I don’t think I would need to restrict sex, I’m not saying I only want it in a committed relationship, but I think it would need to at least be with a girl I valued for something more than her vagina.

The process really seems to be draining a bloated view of sex’s importance whilst ensuring it remains a healthy size. How do I do that? I think a temporary period of complete abstinence is a good idea. I know in sex addiction treatment they recommend 90 days of complete abstinence from sex and masturbation. I think this is to demonstrate that it is possible to live without sexual gratification. Many of us end up believing that sexual release is a need in the same way that hunger, thirst or sleep are. The 90 day break dispels this myth, proving that it is absolutely possible to live without it.

The 49-day steak I have abstaining from masturbation is useful here. Whilst I originally set no restrictions on sex, my overall situation and the ongoing flatline has meant that I have not had any form of sexual release. Now I set a rule for myself that for the next 41 days at least, I will not have sex. This was very likely to be the case anyway but this new rule removes any doubt. I will complete a full 90 day break from all sexual release, completing a key part of the necessary adjustment from my old identity to a new one. On Day 90 I will reassess, likely lifting the ban on sex (though probably keeping the masturbation rule, but I’ll think about this then)

I'm thinking it's time to try men, brah.

Not really my style bro but glad it worked for you

didn't you say you got in to tranny porn?

hOw DaRe YoU cAlL tRaNnYs MeN

Day 138/50 - Some morning wood today but nothing too noteworthy. I was expecting to have a wet dream last night after the surge in sexuality yesterday but that didn’t happen. Today my libido is lower, not quite absent but back to being fairly low. Yesterday was quite surprising in that regard and I may have underplayed it in my journal entry. It was actually quite overwhelming how strong my sexuality was. I felt quite lustful and there was a sexual energy radiating through my body all day. I take it as a really good sign.

In all other areas things are largely the same. My mood seems fairly stable again, I had a bit of a dip this afternoon but nothing that I couldn’t manage. My efforts to quit my other addictions and compulsions have continued to be successful. Other self improvement ventures - such as going to the gym, healthy diet, meditation, reading, learning Spanish etc - are also carrying on nicely. The job hunt continues, I’m waiting on the jobs from last week but I have decided neither are for me. Feeling a lot less panicked about it, I realised I can afford to be patient and picky. Last thing I need is to end up in a job I hate again so I want to ensure I choose wisely. I have also probably previously undervalued the significance of having this break. It has given me an amazing opportunity to really break free from my addictions and overhaul my lifestyle. I have been really fortunate to have this time, it’s basically been like going to rehab.

Should also note that today marks 50 days clean of masturbation. Even if 85% of the streak has been spent in a flatline this is still a tremendous achievement. I genuinely believe that there was a pivotal crossroads moment 50 days ago and I should celebrate the decision I made.

It came about after a few weeks of edging. It mainly happened for a few minutes before I snapped myself out of the trance and got on with my day. But it was certainly escalating each time and I then started edging to dating apps on my phone, a behaviour that is basically analogous to porn (especially considering I used to use dating apps in my sessions anyway). It all culminated in me masturbating to orgasm whilst swiping on dating apps in a session that lasted more than an hour. I’d completely lost control, I pledged to stop after finishing that session but I found myself edging again the next day. It was only for 10 minutes but it still indicated that my will power had been eroded and now it was inevitable that I would spiral back into chronic porn use.

Resisting the pull of the addiction at that point was the toughest moment in the whole journey. This was my throwing the ring in Mount Doom moment, and it’s easy to see how one can end up being Gollum. The appeal of the addiction was so strong and my will power felt so weak. I could see it all happening so clearly, I’d continue masturbating to dating apps a few more times before escalating to softcore pictures, then to softcore videos etc and before long I’d be right back in the deepest of PMO holes. The vision felt so tragic yet incredibly seductive.

Had I failed to resist this temptation, there’s no doubt I would now be in the midst of bingeing. I’d be pledging to stop every day but failing to go more than a few days without a several hour session. I would be feeling horrifically depressed, zonked out and completely lost.

Instead, 50 days ago I resisted the inevitable and forged a new path. I double downed on my efforts to quit, renewed my determination to overcome the addiction and dedicated all my efforts to the pursuit. Thanks to the strength I showed during those initial few days, I believe I am now free of the addiction. This is not to say that relapse is impossible, I recognise that I will always have the potential to succumb to porn and I will always be an addict in some sense, but I think I have broken the hold it had over me.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I was hit by a flatline almost immediately after making this decisive stand against the addiction. It feels that the addiction used all its power during those few days to try and break me, it threw everything it had at me. By resisting its efforts I had finally beaten the addiction and it then collapsed, ushering in the era of the flatline and indicating a deeper stage of healing.

It has been a very challenging 50 days, especially the first few weeks when I was really struggling with depression, but it is clear to see that significant recovery has already taken place. Thanks to the strength I showed then I have now been able to tackle the other addictions and compulsions in my life, quitting nicotine and finally gaining control of my smartphone/internet use.

This is not the end obviously but I think it’s important to celebrate the strength I showed from time to time, and hitting 50 days seems like as good a time as any

The only style I like is Doggy.

And that joo kid from stileproject, what a great site that used to be.

I just hit 20 weeks (140 days) of no pron.

Decided enough was enough and subscribed to an app called brain buddy. It works if you out in the effort. Go my brother in it too and he’s now over 100 days no PMO as well.

It’s worth the effort, but it isn’t easy. Hard, but definitely doable. You’ve got This

Congrats bro, I'll be hitting 20 weeks free from porn tomorrow too haha so I know how tough it is to get there. Not heard about brain buddy but glad it's worked for you and your brother

Day 139/51 - I woke up today in the midst of a sex dream, if I had stayed asleep for a little while longer I’m certain it would have ended up being a wet dream. After waking I had a pretty hard erection and a strong sexual feeling radiating through me. I think it’s likely the flatline has come to an end. Four days in a row now where my libido has been noticeable. Last night I was just chilling watching the Olympics and I found myself getting turned on by the gymnasts lol. The only things that had been missing over the last few days was an increase in erections but that has happened today.

In fact, I was showering and touching my dick felt so good that I got hard. Can’t lie I even had a couple of strokes and legit felt incredible. I must be careful now, assuming the flatline is over, as I am out of practice of having to resist sexual urges. It’s good to be out of the flatline but I know from other reports that often there can be a few days of libido before plunging back into another flatline. It wouldn’t surprise me if that happened. I need to hold off making any judgements for another few days and need to ensure I don’t overwhelm myself with libido. I realised that when I’m walking around I am back to laser focusing on any semi-attractive chick who walks past and I’m not sure if this is the best idea. Need to have a few days to see what’s going on.

Mood has been pretty good all week and remains so today. I’ve had a strong desire to be active and outside, partly because the weather’s been so nice but mainly because my energy levels have been so good. Everything feels a lot lighter and I’m getting satisfaction in the smaller things. It’s a profound change from last week when I spent my days feeling grouchy, melancholic and immune to satisfaction.

There can be little doubt that it was nicotine withdrawal causing those symptoms, and the stable mood this week is due to passing the initial withdrawal stage. It’s now day 14 of no nicotine, finish today and I’ll have completed two weeks. Still battling some cravings, though reduced from last week, and part of me still feels very much incomplete without smoking/vaping in my life. But they are manageable feelings and each day it gets a little easier.

Should also note that I have continued to consume caffeine since Saturday, sticking to two cups of coffee each day. The sudden improvement in my mood on Saturday can’t be ignored and it would have been interesting to see how I would have felt this week had I decided against reintroducing caffeine. I think I made a wise decision but I am still very curious about caffeine after witnessing the power it has on my mood. Definitely going to reduce and remove it sooner rather than later.

But I am going to wait a few weeks at least because I realised how much I’ve been putting on myself recently. I re-read the last 10 pages of this journal last night and I was struck by how much change I’ve gone through in the last couple of months. I have ripped away basically every source of pleasure in my life. It seemed obvious reading my journal that I’ve spent the last 50 days in a state of permanent withdrawals. I was in a flatline for most of it, which is a particularly severe withdrawal symptom, and also had to go through the withdrawal stage from significantly reducing internet use, smartphone use and quitting nicotine. The common theme from reading was me suffering the pain of quitting an addiction, slowly getting past the withdrawals and feeling better, and then deciding to quit another addiction and go through the whole process again.

Now that I appear to have hit another period of mood stabilisation, and now that it seems the flatline is over, I want to avoid doing anything that will push me back into a state of withdrawals. So caffeine will have to wait, I want a few weeks of stable conditions to allow everything to settle and to ensure that the changes I have made are solidified.

Not to say I will get complacent, I plan to shift my focus from what needs to be removed from my life to what I can add. I went for a really long walk today again and I tried to come up with some ideas for what I can add. I had a few good thoughts, jotted them down and will continue doing that. I want to continue building up my strength and healing from my past lifestyle, which is what I’ve done so well for the last two months, but also to gradually start making additions towards the life I want. I have done that in a lot of ways - I’ve added meditation, exercise, long walks, learning Spanish etc to my daily life - but I think I can be more ambitious. Nothing conclusive to say yet but just indicates where my mind is at.

One quick thing I wanted to report here is an update on my shy bladder. Not talked about it for a while but I have previously explained how I’ve struggled with urinating in public for the last few years. No real reason why, never had it growing up, but it was very annoying. I had noticed that it was a little easier during the first 70 days of recovery but still wasn’t cured, and in truth I haven’t pissed in public urinals much over the last couple of months so I had mainly forgotten about it. Well, the past few days I’ve had to use public toilets a fair few times and every time I’ve done so I’ve been able to piss completely normally. I think only one of the times there was someone else in there, so I can’t definitely say it’s completely cured, but I used to struggle even if I was on my own before (I needed to be in a stall with the door closed to go) so this is already a big improvement. Really bizarre and quite interesting that it’s got better, it likely was somehow related to dopamine as I delved into before (think around Day 50-65 if you wanna read) so it probably was related to porn addiction.

Overall, a good day which will probably be mainly remembered for it marking the end of the flatline. Whether this is just a temporary respite from it or if this is the start of another chapter in my recovery is yet to be seen, I will keep a keen eye on it for the next few days and will report here. Feeling excited though, I really am healing from my old life and am feeling mentally fitter every day

The flatline is a real thing. I had multiple during my “reboot”. Honestly, I don’t know if the reboot ever ends, as it’s a daily goal to stay on track. Wet dreams were also off/on, but that’s seemed to have subsided lately. Glad to hear things are looking up. Now the biggest thing you need to keep in mind is not to give in to temptations while in the shower. I’ve been there, and the key is to remember why you started in the first place, and keep that as your motivation.

NO PORN >>>> NO FAP

Its porn which people need to avoid and which wrecks your brain. Totally abstaining from fapping did nothing for me, even after months, no real benefits.

Thanks bro, fully agree with what you say and really good to hear from someone going through the same chit. I need to be wary for the next few days as I can tell I'm out of practice of resisting sexual urges.

Completely agree that porn is the issue rather than masturbating. My personal view is that temporarily abstaining from masturbation can help recovery. Masturbation becomes so closely associated with porn in the mind that it's valuable to take a break to allow the cues to weaken during the first months of recovery.

But I'd support any recovery method that involves abstaining from porn as that is clearly the problem

Day 140/52 - Bit of morning wood, nothing too noteworthy. Seems clear I am out of the flatline, felt quite sexually frustrated at times today.

Mood has been fairly decent. Noticed my energy levels have been amazing recently, I truly feel like being active all day and the idea of lounging about seems so boring. Feeling relatively upbeat too. Off out tonight with my step bro, probably won't be anything too crazy but will be fun to have a few drinks.

Efforts to beat my other addictions and compulsions have continued successfully. Onto Day 15 of no nicotine and not had too many cravings today. Been on the internet a bit more than normal today, been researching cameras as thinking about taking up photography as a hobby. Still probably wasn't on the web for much longer than an hour.

Worth remarking that today is Day 140, meaning I have now completed 20 weeks without porn. Seems like a very long time and does feel a lifetime ago that I was engaging in it. Proud to be here and the journey it's been. I still feel there's a way to go before I really feel recovered, I've got my eye on Day 180 as a good milestone, but things are definitely starting to change. It's hard to notice day to day but my attitude is definitely changing and the dark clouds that have dominated my life are disappearing.

A great milestone but certainly can't get complacent. I spent 15 years of my life heavily using porn so I can't expect to reverse all the damages in less than 5 months. Still, very proud to be here

Day 141/53 - First thing is to admit that I masturbated today. I was feeling incredibly hungover and was laying in bed. Suddenly I got an urge to touch my dick and I didn't resist. Jerked off for a few seconds and then thought it would probably do me good to orgasm. The whole process lasted less than 2 minutes. The sensation of masturbating felt amazing, though the orgasm was surprisingly underwhelming.

I want to be upfront here and state that I am perfectly comfortable with this happening. It felt like a very natural thing to do and I think it was actually quite healthy. I didn't get manic about it, I didn't look to prolong the pleasure for as much as possible, and I didn't feel tempted to look at porn. Instead I enjoyed the pleasure, stayed in the moment and responded to a natural sexual urge. It was also a way for my body to deal with being hungover lol which I think is normal.

My decision is not to reset my streak. I know what I did clearly goes against the rules I set but I am happy to mark this down as a one off exception. At the end of the day, the day counters are only there to help me better comprehend my recovery journey, they are there to serve my healing and so I'm not going to get too worked up about spoiling the purity of the streak. I actually see this as a healthy thing and the way I did it strikes me as very normal. In a way it is a strong sign of recovery as I was able to masturbate without turning it into a meth-like session.

The point now will be to ensure I don't let this spiral. As a one off exception, this is no big deal and maybe even healthy. But if I let this happen again in the next few days, if I succumb to the chaser effect, then it will be a serious issue. So I'll continue the streak as normal now, allowing what happened to be a one off exception, but I will reset the streak if it happens again.

Don't have too much to report other than this. I got really drunk last night and I'm suffering today. I feel so chit and I'm happy to write off today and focus on overcoming my hangover. I also should report that I'm quite sure I had a cigarette last night, I was so drunk so can't really remember but I think some guy I was chatting to gave me one. Again not overly concerned about this, chit happens when you're drunk, but the important thing will be that I contain this to an isolated incident. I'm not noticing any increased cravings today so hopefully it shouldn't be too challenging.

That's all I have to say today. Hungover and just need to let myself rest. The incidents related to masturbation and smoking will be no big deal as long as they remain isolated. Mood wise I'm okay just feel sick, everything else carries on as normal. Will get through today and resume my recovery and self improvement journey tomorrow

Same exact thing happened to me last week. Went to a concert the night before, woke up a bit sluggish, caught myself in the shower and didn’t stop. Chose not to reset my streak either since pron is the real issue and beating off is considered natural. This has Only happened once in ~120 days and hasn’t become a regular thing. One thing I did realize though is the weakened mental state, in terms of discipline, after drinking/ being hungover. Keep the mind sharp and you’ll stay the course. And as you said, don’t let it spiral into PMO.

Today I managed to have a killer workout in the garage after an early dinner. Felt incredible and I moved what would’ve been difficult weight after the amount of time I’ve taken off of doing compound lifts (mostly kettlebells lately), and decided to go for a second dinner. Going to sleep like a baby tonight and it feels good!

Keep up the good work, and stay mindful.

Appreciate the support bro. Does sound like a very similar experience, glad to hear you've been able to contain it to an isolated incident. Definitely realised how much a hangover affects me, fortunately I'm not a big drinker so won't have to contend with it for a while.

Well done on your recovery, sounds like you're killing it

Day 142/54 - Main thing today is that I have avoided masturbating. That was the main objective for the day, ensuring that I did not succumb to the chaser effect. In truth, I haven’t felt particularly sexual. I had morning wood but no real libido and I haven’t felt particularly tempted to touch my dick anyway. Not exactly sure why that is, I am still feeling a bit hungover so that may be impacting me or possibly the orgasm yesterday has temporarily pushed me back into the flatline. Of course, it may just be a normal refractory period. I’ll only know for sure after a few days. Whatever it is I’m not concerned, just pleased I’ve managed to ensure that yesterday was a one-off rather than the start of a series.

Not too much else to report today. Avoided smoking/vaping and limited my phone use. To be honest I have gone on the internet more today, probably going over my allocated one hour. I will start using the timer again as I don’t think I can be fully trusted yet. Haven’t been able to be too productive today, mainly because I am still feeling fairly rough from the hangover (it was a really heavy night I guess lol) so it’s been hard to do anything.

I have noticed a shift in my mindset. I was thinking earlier today about my desire to have a girlfriend, I’ve definitely had a surge in the desire for intimacy recently. I am starting to realise how much easier getting into a relationship is than I used to think. It always seemed so complicated but I think it will actually be pretty achievable. I’m going to redownload the dating apps in 36 days and I’ll be able to meet someone. I don’t know why but I never felt confident in this area despite having pretty normal experience and validation that at least some women find me attractive. I realise that my self esteem has improved. I am feeling quite good looking. In the mirror today I saw a handsome lad. My body looks good, I am still skinny but I think I look fit and manly now. I saw myself through fresh eyes today, realising how lucky I am. I can see that I have a lot of attractive qualities that I should be grateful for. Don’t get me wrong, I am not claiming to be anything spectacular but I have nothing to worry about.

I could also imagine being on a date and feeling confident. Of course I have always been rather good at making a first impression but it was always a bit of an act. I imagine coming across well but in a more authentic way. I even imagined explaining my past, talking about how depressed I was and probably talking about arousal addiction. For whatever reason I always felt really ashamed about my past and the idea of opening up about it was terrifying, with the only way of being at peace with it was to live a bit of a lie. Now I'm starting to feel more at ease, I am happy with the explanation I have and even like how it makes me seem deeper and that it gives me more wisdom.

It gives me even more motivation to pursue self development, especially in the areas of hobbies. I really like the idea of having a lot of interests and having a strong leisure life. The ones that come to mind are photography, cooking, travelling, bodybuilding, Spanish learning, literature, a sport (badminton and maybe another), and hiking. I love the idea of a contrast with my old self, I love the idea of a potential date being shocked to hear about how I used to be.

The important part of my new personality, the central thing that separates me from who I used to be, is my ability to feel motivation and interest. The more sensitive I am to these two the more I will be living up to my ideal. Of course, this is mainly a question of having a healthy dopamine system. That’s why avoiding my addictions and compulsions is so vital. It’s why I should ensure I carve out space for meditation and beneficial stressors like cold showers and intensive exercise. The more sensitive I am to dopamine the more I’m going to live up to my value of being interested.

When you are an addict, when you have fried your dopamine system with too much stimulation, you don’t feel interested in anything. I felt a fundamental lack of curiosity about the world around me and had done for the last several years. I felt no interest in anything outside of porn, and even that was not actually that enjoyable by the end, because nothing else gave me any sort of pleasure. The world seemed like a hostile and joyless place to me. I loved the idea of being out in the world, I knew that I am naturally a pretty curious and joyful person, but all I’d get was negative feedback if I tried anything new.

It is still early days but I have noticed a definite change over the last few weeks. I am regaining a curiosity about the world, almost like a sense of innocence. Life and being happy seems a lot simpler than it used to. This seems like a strange thing to say, but I can now see that life may just be about doing stuff you like. Obviously there’s work and responsibility and all of that, I’m not saying one should be able to be enjoying themselves all the time, but it just seems that life can actually be fun. There’s an endless amount of interesting things to do, places to see, food to eat, people to meet etc and life can be about building up a set of interests, hobbies and activities that allow you to connect with the world and everyone who lives there. This is such a contrast from how I used to be, everything felt inherently complicated. There seemed always to be unwritten rules that I was not privy to, every situation was immensely pressurised, and there really was no room for simple joy or even gentle curiosity.

Re-reading what I’ve just written I am struck by how healthy this mindset is and how much I have healed already. I can plainly see how my world view was dominated by my addictions and now feel detoxified. I am excited for this process to continue as I do think I’ve only scratched the surface. I must continue to quit my addictions, limit my compulsions, and build a lifestyle that supports healthy dopamine sensitivity (exercise, healthy diet, good sleep, meditation etc). It is still early days and I am recovering from at least a decade of addiction. More patience but there are so many signs that the rebirth I was craving is happening

Day 143/55 - Woke up with a rock hard erection today, officially back to pre-flatline levels in terms of size and intensity. I was starting to expect that the orgasm on Sunday had pushed me back into the flatline so I was pleasantly surprised by this. Libido is relatively low today though not completely absent. I am having pangs of desire for intimacy.

Can also report that I made it through all of yesterday without masturbating. Quite relieved. I know I can’t get complacent but the first day is always the toughest. I also avoided nicotine yesterday, though I was never really worried about this. I’m still not 100% sure I did have a cig on Saturday but it doesn’t really matter now anyway, I’m not noticing any cravings.

Mood wise I felt a little bit down when I first woke up, really nothing too bad but there was a sense of melancholy within. I believe this is a result of some sloppy habits I’ve picked up over the last few days. It’s been especially slack since the hangover but started a few days before so I can’t attribute all the blame to that. I think coming out of the flatline did change my attitude a bit. I enjoyed the feeling of lust and I think this made immediate pleasure a lot more tempting. There was also a celebratory feeling, the flatline was finally over, and this made me want to enjoy myself. Whatever the reason, I’ve definitely been slacking over the last few days.

First thing to focus on is diet, somehow i’ve fallen back into eating junk food regularly. For example, last night I was feeling a bit peckish and I ended up ordering a Mcdonalds. Completely unnecessary, I didn’t even check if there was anything in the fridge, and shows how natural it now feels to eat this chit. I noticed something had changed on Friday. I was in a supermarket looking to buy a meal deal, pretty poor anyway but normally I’d at least get a bottle of water as the drink. That time I felt a desire for something more and I ended up getting a Coke Zero. Not massively interesting but shows that my relationship with food, and what I was trying to get out of my diet, had changed even then.

Another sloppy habit I’ve picked up over the last few days is using the internet more than my allocated time. Yesterday I probably used my laptop for around an hour and a half. Not a massive increase but a slippery slope. I have stopped putting on the timer when I use it and this is probably the only explanation needed.

I’ve also fallen out of the habit of meditation too. I was consistently meditating twice a day, five minutes in the morning and five minutes in the evening, but I’ve not done it at all over the last few days.

There are other examples but you get the general idea. Things haven’t completely fallen apart, I am maintaining the core mission, but my discipline and self-control has definitely waned. If you include the isolated incidents of masturbating on Sunday and (probably) smoking a cig on Saturday night then it starts to form a bit of a trend. I know from experience that if left alone this will quickly deteriorate, jeopardising my self-improvement efforts and endangering my recovery from addiction.

I need to make an intervention now. I will put a ban on all junk food, reintroduce the one hour timer when going online, and generally start following the daily rules again. I’ll keep an eye on things over the next couple of days to see if these changes have worked, I don’t feel the need to be too dramatic yet but I will if there is no improvement

Also wanted to post the below, I wrote this in my notebook a few days ago:

I’ve been thinking more about how to be happy and I had a bit of a realisation. It has been normal for me to see only two periods in my life when happiness was possible. There were when I was at university - when I had two extremely close friends who I’d hang out with constantly - and when I was with my ex-girlfriend. I have spent a long time regretting how little I appreciated these two eras and feeling frustrated that I didn’t fight to retain what I had. I looked at the rest of my life as a barren wasteland, with these two periods being the Edens I failed to recognise.

What I’m realising now is that this is a very unhealthy way of viewing the history of my life. It makes happiness seem like an incredibly scarce thing. I was viewing happiness as a miracle-like event, with my failure being unable to appreciate at the time just how fortunate I was to have stumbled into this nugget of happiness. Viewing your past this way makes your future seem very dark. Basically you feel you are waiting for a miracle to happen and you rationalise that it’s extremely unlikely to occur again.

This view of my past is not only unhealthy, it is also categorically wrong. I’ve been thinking and have realised how many good times I have had, and just how many opportunities there have been for me to be happy. I was thinking today about the girl I went on a couple of dates with back in May. I remember my last day in the city. She and I went to a park and lay down on the grass in glorious weather, chatting, laughing and kissing. This was a good time that held a clear opportunity for further happiness. The fact it didn’t lead anywhere, due to me leaving the city and making no effort to maintain contact, does not undermine what was a good time. I also think about how much I’ve enjoyed going to badminton with my friend over the last couple of months. Or I think about when I went to Greece in November and saw my best mate from university.

The point is there have been plenty of good times beyond the two golden eras and the opportunities for me to be happy have been abundant. My view of the future must therefore change. Being happy and enjoying a good day/week/month/year in life is not rare. This isn’t like playing the lottery. Life is not a wasteland temporarily broken by moments of bliss you’ll only ever appreciate as a memory. Every day there are countless opportunities to be happy.

I also need to forgive myself for not appreciating those two golden eras. It’s absolutely true that I must take responsibility for it and accept that I could have done a hell of a lot more to change my attitude. But the reality is that I was an addict suffering the consequences of excessive stimulation. Being unable to derive satisfaction from my life was not some sort of moral failing on my part but the direct consequence of being an addict. My addiction began when I was a child, developed at a time in my culture when the risks were not widely understood. It’s not my fault I became an addict. It’s my responsibility to fix it, but it’s not my fault.

The new attitude must be: There will be abundant good times in my future and the work I’m doing to overcome my addictions and to reset my dopamine sensitivity will allow me to enjoy and appreciate them

Day 144/56 - Bit more productive yesterday, able to put a halt to some of the sloppy habits. Diet has improved massively. Did use internet for more than an hour yesterday so that needs addressing, plus I didn’t meditate. Overall, made some improvements but need to take another step up to ensure I am following all the daily rules.

Got through another day without masturbating. Today I actually had quite a big craving to do it but was able to resist. My libido is roaring today. I had a weird experience earlier where I actually felt quite giddy due to how strong the sexual energy was, literally starting laughing to myself and felt light-headed. Had morning wood today too, not quite as hard as yesterday but I had more spontaneous erections during the first 30 minutes of being awake.

Also went another day without smoking, not that I have had to deal with any cravings. On Day 18 with no nicotine now and it feels normal now.

Mood is good today. Feeling relaxed and optimistic about my future. Realising how much calmer I am about everything, specifically how I am starting to develop a lot more self-acceptance. I used to deal with frequent bouts of panic about where I am in life, I’d feel incredibly hectic and desperate about my life. But this hasn’t happened recently. I feel a sense of understanding about my history but more than anything I feel more normal so there feels less of a need to offer any sort of explanation. For a long time I felt that I missed out of being young due to my depression and anxiety but I’m starting to realise that I did basically everything that constitutes a typical youth, plus going through difficult emotions and finding out who you are is a core part of being young

4/16/24 lmao

this chit seems like yesterday

quit drinking, sober day 14

still fap but have cut down session time by 70%+

we gon make it

Good job on the drinking bro, two weeks is a great achievement and I'm sure you'll feel the ripple effect in every area of your life. Keep chipping away at the fap time and I'm sure you'll fully quit that soon too