Day 145/57 - Been a lot more disciplined since writing the entry yesterday. I’ve started meditating again and generally following the daily rules. I need to ensure I limit my internet use to one hour today as that’s the only area that hasn’t been tamed. I’m writing this on my laptop now and have set a timer so should be able to follow the restriction today.

Morning wood was rock hard again, definitely back to pre-flatline levels. My libido continued to be very high all day yesterday, so much so that I did have a two or three second stroke of my dick at one point. Put the brakes on but something to keep an eye on, can’t let this happen or it will quickly domino out of control. I’d say my libido is a bit reduced so far today and I haven’t really felt any urges to touch my dick.

My mood is relatively good today, I felt really healthy this morning and it was a great feeling. Enjoying the result of the effort I’ve put in to improve my diet, exercising more and deeper sleep. I did experience a dip in mood in the afternoon. I was in a supermarket and suddenly felt a bit overwhelmed and melancholic. This feeling lasted for the next hour, I just felt a bit disturbed in a way. I can’t fully explain the experience as it wasn’t totally unpleasant and I was still able to function but there was just this feeling. I went to the gym and this did help, I’m writing now just after going and the feeling has mostly subsided. Not really sure what it was about, it was quite an unusual emotion. I interpret it as the release of some trapped emotion but this is just a guess.

I have been feeling a little bored so maybe this played a part. As much as not having a job has really supported my recovery in many ways, it is also quite boring at times. I know this is only a temporary position, I’ve got a second interview with a company early next week and it seems that the role is mine if I want it. I’m just torn between valuing this rehab period of my life and thinking it’s time to push on. I am also cautious not to rush into a job that I find boring again so this complicates my decision a bit. Just need to be patient really, I know this period will end and I have got some money coming in from job seekers support so that will ease any stress. Probably do need to step up my efforts but no need to get too worked up about it right now.

I am also really counting down the days until I can download dating apps again. 33 days to go now. I really want to try and meet someone. I am feeling good looking at the moment and confident that I will meet someone if I make a bit of effort. There is always some doubt, I can’t pretend it’s gone completely, but mainly I feel secure. Realised that I’ve got plenty of experience and validation so I can be 100% sure that there are women out there who find me attractive. All I need to do is meet another one. I have been really craving intimacy and companionship over the last month, and in the last week or so I’ve had insane cravings for sex.

In a strange way my relationship with sex is changing. I would say that before I saw sex as something that happened to me whereas now I am starting to feel a lot more in control of it happening. Having sex was also a lot more about the superficial validation to my ego rather than the actual experience itself. As I’ve said before, apart from a few memorable exceptions, I’m not sure I actually used to enjoy the act of sex that much. Now I feel the desire to be sexual for no other reason than sex. I know this contradicts my entry from a few days ago, when I talked about deflating the importance of sex, but I am actually starting to see sex as an actual need. It’s as if I’ve realised it’s possible to live without sex, which is a new development, but also realise that a sexual relationship is a core part of being fulfilled for me. It’s a subtle change but I feel a lot more proactive about making it happen. Some of the mystery about sex and how it happens has gone which allows me to see clear steps to initiating new relationships. In 33 days I’m going to get back on the dating apps and I will try to set some dates up. We’ll see how it goes but I feel fairly confident that I’ll be able to meet someone relatively quickly.

On a different note, I am noticing my dreams have been more powerful lately. They have been featuring key people from my past and often are very validating to me, almost always positive in nature. They usually feel extremely rich in symbolism and always easily lend themselves to an interpretation of recovery. I’m not going into any specifics, mainly because I know how boring it is to hear about someone else’s dream, but I report it become I’ve read having more vivid dreams is a sign of the dopamine system rebalancing.

Overall then, all fine today. Nothing too remarkable to write about, reboot continues

Day 146/58 - Woke up in a funny mood. I was a bit down and generally unmotivated to do much, still able to function but certainly no spring in my step. I felt quite sore and had a headache too, making me think this may be a case of overdoing it a bit at the gym over the last few days. It may also be that my negative mood this morning was just a case of low dopamine. I’m still in the midst of quitting two addictions so off days are to be expected.

I went for a walk and was feeling quite sorry for myself. I thought a lot about my ex-girlfriend again, just scenes of when we were together and feeling profoundly lonely. I am really craving intimacy and romance to be honest, feeling a massive lack of love in my life. Overall I would say I felt disturbed, similar to how I felt after the supermarket yesterday. Nothing too bad, I’m feeling basically fine now, but worth detailing.

As is something I did this morning. Probably in reaction to feeling a bit down, there was a 5 minute window where I masturbated for a few seconds a number of times. Just tiny edging sessions really but the fact it happened a fair few times showed it wasn’t particularly organic. Also I wasn’t actually feeling that horny, I did have very hard morning wood again today but my libido is not too high. This makes it clear in my mind that it was much more a craving for dopamine, part of my old instinct to use sexual gratification to distract myself from negative emotions.

Need to be careful with the masturbation incident. It is creeping up again as a bit more of a problem, the urge really hit me out of nowhere and it took me longer than it should have done to compose myself. The only positive thing is that it’s not involved any artificial stimulation, literally just focusing on the sensation, but I don’t believe I am anywhere near ready to safely masturbate without initiating a domino sequence to a full on porn relapse. Must compose myself over the next few days and stay clean.

Other areas of my life continue as normal, though I have been more slack with everything today due to my low mood. Still nicotine free again, I believe this is Day 21 so marking three weeks without it now. More relaxed with my diet today but still pretty good. Nothing else springs to mind that I need to report.

Today feels like an off day that happens during addiction recovery. Something internally is just a little off, it really is not dramatic but can just feel something isn’t right. My brain is still getting used to not receiving a bombardment of constant stimulation so it’s understandable that there will be times like this.

I was writing to ChatGPT about my recovery from porn and nicotine addictions and I asked when it would estimate that I’d be 90% recovered from each, in terms of dopamine and general neurobiological impact. It said it thought it would take a total of 9-12 months to recover 90% from porn addiction, and 3-4 months from nicotine addiction. This timeline seems about right, based roughly on what I’ve read online and from other reboot reports. Therefore I am still 4-6 months away from that threshold in terms of porn addiction and still 2-3 months away regarding recovery from nicotine addiction. Must be patient and accept off days as part of the process

Dear Diary - at 45 years of age, I stopped spanking it for precisely 4 days. Found myself feeling the pressure in the nether regions, and even something as simple as talking to an attractive, thin woman at work was enough for the swelling to begin. We're talking movement boyos. Standing in public, talking to a hot babe, just the sound of her voice and the sight of some tanned skin was enough for me to feel the same urges as a 14 year old discovering internet p0rn for the first time.

Holy fck, boyos. I'm 45 and still high test.

Day 147/59 - Another day where my mood has been quite up and down. I woke up today in a pretty depressive mood, was able to snap out of it and enjoyed a couple of hours of optimism but it then morphed into a really foul mood. I felt lonely and unlovable with real flashes of irritability. Just balancing out now, mood appears to have finally stabilised.

Nothing remarkable to report today. All efforts continue, haven’t had any slip ups but haven’t done anything particularly good either. Hoping, and have to logically assume, that this is just a little lull period in the recovery process. Been a few days where my mood has been unpredictable and frequently feeling negative.

Hopefully I’ll stabilise over the next couple of days and hit another patch of good mood. I have read a few times that periods of mood swings often predate a step up in recovery benefits so hopefully that’s the case here. Just have to get my head down, ensure that I am doing the basics well, and continue my recovery efforts, safe in the knowledge that this is just a temporary part of the journey

Day 148/60 - Woke up today in a very similar mood to yesterday. I felt groggy, self-pitying, and still not quite sure what is causing it. I went for a dog walk pretty soon after waking, then had a healthy breakfast of mushrooms, tomatoes, spinach and feta on toast, and am now sitting on the balcony drinking coffee in the sun. This pretty nice morning routine has boosted my mood, though I experienced a similar boost at this time yesterday before crashing again so not getting complacent about my mood.

There is nothing obviously causing this. I have to be aware that mood swings and periods of depression and irritability are to be expected during recovery from any addiction. Only being 23 days clean of nicotine means I will still be very vulnerable to this, whilst my streak away from porn is still in the stage of recovery where this is possible. Brain’s are complicated so it’s certainly conceivable, and probably inevitable, that the recovery process explains my mood.

But I also think that there is a general emotional issue, perhaps influenced by my addictions but that also stands on its own, that is there regardless of what day I’m on. Clearly I find it difficult to find purpose in life and am very disconnected from people. This is an emotional state I have had for years. In truth, it is this exact state that motivated me to finally get serious about quitting my addictions (this and my social anxiety). I think that quitting my addictions has been a really useful way for me to feel that I am addressing this emotional pain without engaging with it. This has been a valid approach in many ways but I also have to be honest and say that I have used the recovery process to distract myself too. Going through active withdrawals allows me to say “this is all part of the quitting process” and therefore let myself off the hook of having to really confront the feelings.

The emotional pain and the recovery process are connected, I don’t think I had any chance of successfully addressing the void when I was an active addict, but I must also acknowledge that this feeling is not going to disappear just because I am once again sensitive to normal levels of dopamine. I need to take the time to really work out what’s going to make me happy and then take more concrete moves to achieve it. Quitting my addictions is a crucial step but it is still only a step.

I think I have two very simple objectives that will help me to tackle the emotional void in my life. One is to get a job. Been out of work for nearly three months now and it is pretty obvious that being unemployed is a contributor. I need the structure, the social environment, the sense of purpose and the identity (not to mention the money) that a job gives. The second objective is to get a girlfriend. The deep yearnings I have for connection, intimacy, companionship and sex are core requirements for happiness. These feelings were dulled during my years as a porn addict but now I am feeling the full force of this drive. Getting these two things in my life again would go along way to filling the emotional void in my life. To be clear, these two alone will not fix my issues but I think both are essentials for me.

Of course, they are unlikely to fall into my lap. I’m going to need to take action. I need to break these goals down into smaller steps, enough so there’s something I can do on a daily basis to ensure I am progressing towards the goal. These are basic ideas, things like making it a rule that I apply for at least 5 jobs each day, but I need to work out a list of things to follow.

One of these steps will definitely be to re-download dating apps and start actively pursuing dates that way. It is now only 30 days until I will be able to do so, and that means that today marks 60 days without masturbation. Obviously there is an asterisk attached to this counter due to my masturbation session a week ago today but it is still a solid accomplishment. Recovering from that incident has been challenging but I do feel I stabilised my self-control. Hitting the two month mark is impressive and means I am two-thirds of the way to my goal of 90 days.

Overall, the dip in mood over the last few days has continued. I maintain a firm level of control over my lifestyle and am continuing to effectively quit my addictions. My mood is very likely influenced by the fact that I am in the recovery process but it also signals that I have an emotional void that will exist regardless of where I am in quitting my addictions. Addressing that void is the next step I must take

Day 149/61 - Mood seems better so far today. Everything feels a bit lighter. Hopefully I have stabilised now after a few days of mood swings. Yesterday, after writing my entry, my extreme negativity did subside but it was replaced by immense irritability. I felt that pressure in my head and little things were making me furious.

I think another term to describe what I was feeling is sexual frustration. I realised yesterday just how much this was contributing to my overall irritability. When I saw a really attractive girl, or walked passed a happy couple or saw anything vaguely sexual on television, I felt an intense rush of jealousy and a real sense of vexation. This is a pretty unusual feeling for me. I'd never really thought too much about sexual frustration before, probably because thanks to porn and masturbation I never used to feel it, but I think it's clear that's what's been going on for the last few days. The anger has been an expression of my desire for sexual release not being met.

The timeline makes sense too. I came out of the flatline two weeks ago and my libido has been building up each day. At times it has been quite overwhelming how horny I've felt, I'm thinking about the time I felt literally giddy from horniness or how many times I’ve internally pulled the Leo biting fist gif over the last few days when I see some hot girl walked by. There was the orgasm on day 141 which would have served as some relief but it would also have made me realise what I'm missing, made me want to chase another orgasm. It makes sense that one of the things I've been dealing with is a roaring libido that has resulted in frustration and mood swings.

As challenging as it has been, I need to welcome this massive increase in sexual energy as a great sign of progress. It may take a few days to get used to, especially after seven weeks spent in the flatline with no libido, but once I do this will be really valuable energy. I'll just need to learn to channel it into my goals, especially as fuel for my desire for a sexual partner. It’s only 29 days now until I can download dating apps so that will be a good channel for this energy

Day 150/62 - Big day today, 150 days without watching porn. Five whole months. It is also exactly double my previous best streak of 75 days, demonstrating just how much of this journey has been uncharted territory for me. It truly feels like five months to be honest, seems like a lifetime ago that I was freely engaging in lengthy PMO sessions. The idea seems quite foreign to me now.

First things first I have to really take a moment to congratulate myself. This is an amazing achievement. I have spent my entire 20s battling against this addiction, desperately trying and failing to get to the fated 90 days. I only had a handful of streaks that lasted longer than a month. Getting to this point has been the hardest thing I have ever done. There were so many times when I truly felt that the addiction had beaten me, that I was completely powerless to control it and I would waste my whole life in its clutches. But I never gave up and I can now say I am five months clean. I’m not the best at appreciating when I’ve done something good so I want to consciously acknowledge the hard work I have put in to reach this point.

Reflecting on my journey, have I changed as much as I hoped I would? The answer is definitely no. Despite recognising it could be a lengthy process, always accepting that this reboot would be judged in months rather than days, I know five months ago I would have expected more of a transformation. I am still largely the same man dealing with the same problems. I still struggle with social anxiety, I am still isolated, I still lack any real purpose (though recovery has provided that at times), I still get down a lot and I still don’t have any sort of passion. Five months has not been enough time for me to morph into the person I thought I really was. I suppose I need more time in the cocoon, I always think of Gabe Deem needing nine months to recover (and that was a decade ago, when internet porn was only a few years old, suggesting it would take longer these days), but I also probably need to start coming to terms with the idea that I am not going to radically change.

Perhaps my issues will always be my issues, quitting pron provides more space and energy to tackle them but maybe addiction wasn’t the source of all evils in my life. It is certainly possible that I projected all my problems onto the addiction and that I had unrealistic expectations for what would happen after I quit. A “neurochemical rebirth” was what I was chasing, what I still am chasing, and maybe that reveals my naivety.

As you can probably tell, I am not in a particularly positive mood as I write this and this is definitely influencing my perspective. As I’ve written about I have had a few days of mood swings, surges of irritability, and spells of melancholia. Added to this, last night I went to badminton club with my mate and I felt incredibly anxious and insecure for most of it. The experience really confused me and made me question why I was still going through social anxiety when I’ve made all this effort. So that’s important context to keep in mind when reading the above.

The truth is there has been change over the last five months. Okay, so I haven’t had the internal revolution I wanted but there has still been significant reform. Most obviously, my success in quitting nicotine. It’s now Day 25 without it and that is a great achievement. Nicotine is the other addiction that has plagued me for the last 10 years so to be clean of it reflects a big improvement. I also must note my effective efforts to minimise my smartphone and internet use. I have transformed this area of my life. Two months ago, two years ago, it was normal for me to notch up eight hours screen time on my phone each day and to spend my entire waking life receiving constant stimulation from the internet. For the last month or so I have reduced my daily screen time to under an hour and also limited my general use of the internet to one hour. That is a huge change and a noteworthy improvement. Both of these, along with my continued success quitting porn and masturbation, suggests that my prefrontal cortex is really strengthening and recovering from the impact of hypofrontality. In this way it could be argued that the “neurochemical rebirth” is actively happening.

I think further evidence for hypofrontality reversing, and other positive changes I have made, has been the overall improvement to my lifestyle. I have been much more disciplined and effective at managing the basics of my life; sleep, diet and exercise. Simple stuff but things I found very challenging to master before. Now I feel in complete control of them and that is a big improvement too.

The fact that I am (slowly) starting to develop interests and hobbies is another good sign. Dipping my toe into the hobby of photography recently is a perfect example of this. Also it’s great that I’m reading again, okay I’ve not made it a consistent or daily habit, but I have still read 12 books in the last two months which is decent. I am also definitely noticing a massive increase in my desire to be outside which is another positive sign. I think this all can be taken as evidence that the desensitisation from porn addiction has started to reverse too, which could be seen as another way the “neurochemical rebirth” is ongoing.

There are other things that have improved. My acne has completely gone solving an issue that was really starting to piss me off over the last couple of years. I’ve (mostly) stopped biting my nails and skin on my fingers, fixing a lifelong issue. My flaccid dick hangs lower and is a lot thicker, and my erections are a lot harder. I’ve noticed my taste in women has changed too, I seem to be finding beauty in more normal women rather than unrealistic extremes. It should also be noted that the fact I went through a flatline, for roughly six weeks that only came to an end 14 days ago or so, was a key development and something that validates just how neurologically powerful a process recovering from porn is.

It also should be understood that my life has changed a lot outside of the addiction and my recovery. Five months ago I was working (in a job I hate but still), living in the city, had my own car and was still seeing a girl I was quite into. All of those things have now gone; I am unemployed, back living with my mum for the first time since I was a teenager, without a car and a certified singleton. I am genuinely happy about all losing all of those things as they were each toxic in their own way but clearly I can’t expect to feel fulfilled when my life is in a shambles. It has taken longer than I anticipated to rebuild but I still value the decision I made three months ago to push the self-destruct button on my old life. I credit the reboot with making me more proactive about making such a radical change. Again, I probably underestimated how tough I’d find starting over but it was still the right decision. My point here is that I will have a much better understanding of where I really am once I have my life back on track, once I have a job, a stable living situation, a mode of transport and a romantic partner (only 28 days until I can start looking again).

It’s a complicated answer but things have improved over the last five months. Not as much as I’d hoped but still a significant amount. Comparison is complex because too many variables have changed, from quitting other addictions (therefore going through withdrawals) to destroying my old life and starting over. If progress is still visible when my life is in a (purposeful) mess then I think that has to be taken as a good sign. Perhaps my expectations do need to be lowered a bit but I think I’m be nearing the “neurochemical rebirth” I want once the below conditions are met:

- Reach Day 270 of No Porn
- Reach Day 145 of No Nicotine
- Have a job
- Have stable living arrangement
- Have car (or moped)
- Have girlfriend or at least some activity in the romance/sex department

So in another four months time, assuming my recovery efforts continue successfully, is really when I would expect deeper change. I know I am perennially shifting the goalposts, I think I have previously said Day 180 was my expectation for this, but my view of recovery is constantly evolving. The longer I abstain the more I realise how miniscule a day is, how quickly a week goes and how long I spent in comparison as an addict. To be completely honest, nine months ‘sober’ may not be longer enough either but I think it’s roughly when the transformation - if it is going to happen - will be visible.

Reflection and review over. Onto Day 151 now and beyond

Day 151/63 - Felt incredibly irritable yesterday evening, massive feelings of aggression, but that has evened out a bit today. I am feeling a lot calmer and optimistic. Not a massive transformation but I do feel more stable than I have for the last few days. Not too much else to say other than this, I wrote a long post yesterday so I feel a bit drained in regards to journaling. Just note that there’s nothing really to comment on rather than my mood swings seemingly coming to an end. I’ll be back to writing a more detailed report tomorrow

Day 152/64 - Another day where I woke up in a chitty mood. It’s been about a week now of mood swings, surges of irritability and periods of depression. Perhaps today wasn’t such a surprise; I only slept five hours, had a terrible diet yesterday (no nutritional food and ate a big pizza) and didn’t even drink that much water. I failed to control the basics of my lifestyle and therefore a bad mood is to be expected.

I must admit I am adjusting to an acceptance that recovery will not fix all my problems. My reflections on Day 150 have made me come to terms with the reality that my social anxiety is not just a case of low dopamine. It is not going to get better just because I am clean of my addictions. I am going to have to be proactive about it, pushing myself to face uncomfortable situations in order to grow. At the suggestion of a poster on another forum, I have been re-reading Overcoming Social Anxiety by Gillian Butler and working through the exercises. It is comforting to read a book packed full of information so relevant to me and also validating to see how clearly the term social anxiety describes my issues. But it’s also quite daunting. The idea of putting myself in challenging social situations is scary and, in truth, I’m not sure I can do it. Still, the book says to start small and work your way up so I’m probably getting a bit ahead of myself.

I just read the chapter on self-consciousness. It details how social anxiety often manifests as excessive self-awareness and that reducing the amount of time you spend thinking about yourself in social situations is a key strategy. It suggests actively thinking about something external, for example to try and think something complimentary about the person you’re looking at. Butler says that it’s about becoming an active observer of the outside world, training yourself to shift your focus to the outside world rather than retreating into isolated rumination. I found it to be a practical and useful tip so I am encouraged by the book so far.

I do need to be careful that my shift in emphasis away from recovery and onto proactively challenging myself does not result in my losing my grip on quitting my addictions. It’s helpful to return to the goldfish analogy again and see that addiction results in you living a very limited life and it caps your potential. By quitting you open up your options and the possibilities become endless - but it is something you have to actively strive for rather than something passive. In order to grow I needed to first remove the restrictions of addiction, and I can’t get complacent about that.

I write this not because I have relapsed but because I could feel my certainty about recovery waning. Accepting that it isn’t a magic solution does lead to an inevitable recoil effect where one’s passion and zealousness massively decreases, at least initially. I must realise that just because recovery may not be as inherently transformative as I hoped does not make it any less vital. It’s important that I don’t discount the profound effects of addiction or lose my understanding of the neurobiological explanation of recovery, but instead change my attitude from passive to proactive.

It’s a subtle shift but a necessary one. The zealousness I previously had was incredibly useful for motivating my recovery efforts. I very much doubt that I’d have been able to quit porn and nicotine without it, but there must come a time when it makes way for a more mature and realistic outlook. It is time I recognise my responsibility to take a more proactive role in becoming the person I want to be. I don’t exactly know how I’m going to do that yet, I guess I’m going to start with doing the exercises in the book and go from there, but I thought it was important for me to be transparent about my shifting attitude.

I think what I wrote above reflects how I feel about it now. It's funny that I wrote this 3 months ago now and probably didn't realise quite how accurate I was. Part of me has definitely held on to the hope that it would result in a radical transformation, it has taken a bit of time for me to really absorb the reality. But I think I summarised my view on it well here and thought it was worth quoting

Day 154/01 (i) - First off I have to admit that I masturbated to orgasm yesterday and the day before. It started on Thursday evening, I was feeling depressed and incredibly frustrated with myself and the overall situation I am in. I also felt very horny. When I got the urge to masturbate I made the momentary decision to go with it, thinking that the benefits of a release outweighed my previous commitment to reach Day 90.

The session yesterday was less emotionally driven and more about the chaser effect. I also think my new attitude played a big part (but more on that later). It happened in the morning, I once again got an urge to do it and I suppose my main thought was “one more time won’t hurt”.

Both times lasted under five minutes. I did it with no external stimuli, I didn’t even fantasise or think about anything sexual. I simply focused on the sensations and this was more than enough. It was interesting because there has definitely been a change. Before my aim was always to prolong the pleasure as much as possible, if I felt I was close to orgasm I would slow down to regain control and then continue. But these times it was all about enjoying the moment, and when I felt close to orgasm I took this as the signal to embrace it and finish.

Obviously, I must reset the second streak now. That is why you see “154/01” rather than “154/66”. I said after the orgasm on Day 141 that I would give myself one more chance and I have to stand by my word. Clearly the streak has lost all integrity, in truth it did when it happened the first time, and it’s time to accept that. Of course, the streak away from porn continues and that is my main priority.

How am I feeling about this? In truth, absolutely fine. I don’t think any damage has been done and I actually felt happy that my focus on achieving orgasm seemed a lot healthier. The first time was a natural response to sexual frustration but I am slightly concerned by the second session, that is harder to justify and tells me that I am still not ready to have limitless access. Overall though, I am satisfied that I mainly did it as a response to genuine needs rather than as a dopamine fix.

My plan moving forward is to return back to prohibiting masturbation for a further period, at least until September 9 (when I would have reached Day 90). I want to stick to that date as I made a commitment to wait until then to download dating apps and start pursuing a sexual partner again. So I will start a new streak from today, meaning I will be on Day 24 on September 9. Therefore my target is to reach a 24 day streak without any form of masturbation. Once I reach that goal I will re-assess whether I want to reintroduce masturbation or not

Day 154/01 (ii) - As alluded to earlier, the presence of masturbation over the last two days was not solely a case of sexual frustration. It was also definitely related to my attitude shifting away from “addiction is the source of all evils” to a more nuanced approach. I talked about this possible risk in my last post. Whilst my previous attitude may have been simplistic, it worked wonders for my motivation and discipline. Now that I’m entering a new chapter in the way I see my issues, I must ensure that I retain the same level of control over myself in staying clean.

On a different, but not unrelated, note, I also feel I have developed a new understanding of my issues and a better way to overcome them. It stems from Gillian Butler and her book “Overcoming Social Anxiety”. I haven’t actively read too much since my last post but the chapter on self-consciousness has really stuck with me.

Quick recap; Butler outlines in this chapter that one of the primary issues with social anxiety sufferers is that they are excessively self-conscious during social situations. They feel acutely aware of their body language, the tone of their voice, any symptoms of social anxiety (blushing etc), and generally how they’re coming across. This is a vicious cycle where the self-consciousness has a paralysing effect as they are unable to let go in social situations, therefore making them more likely to avoid social situations. To escape this cycle, Butler proposed actively challenging self-consciousness by shifting focus to the outside world.

I have found this approach to be very insightful. It’s simple and bordering on obvious, but most of the best pieces of advice are those that seem to be staring you in the face. I have already used this tactic over the last few days in simple situations that used to make me self-conscious, for example when a stranger walks past me in the street, and have found it to be quite effective.

I started to question whether excessive self-consciousness may be an issue in other areas of my life beyond social anxiety. I realised that I am spending most of my time feeling incredibly self-conscious, even when I’m on my own. This has been the case for the last seven or eight years, but has especially ramped up since my ex dumped me two years ago. I have really had no enjoyment, no passions and no interest. All I do is sit around thinking about how miserable I am, or how alone I am, or assessing my symptoms like I am my own psychiatric patient. Or I try to think up ways to change my life, reading and writing about whatever my latest fad is (exhibit A right here). The constant self-consciousness has had a paralysing effect in every area of my life.

Thinking this reminded me of something I’d read two months ago. I realised that this was not a new insight, instead this was old information finally clicking in my head. It came from the book ‘The French Art of Not Trying Too Hard’, from the chapter ‘Stop Thinking’, and I’d like to quote a large section:

This section really summarises what I’ve been going through for the last few years of my life. I relate to the pianist’s experience more deeply than I ever have to another human being. I couldn’t have described what’s been happening better. I have had too much self-consciousness, leading to ruthless self analysis that has resulted in powerlessness and usefulness. I have truly stopped playing

Day 154/01 (iii) - The obvious question then is how do I get out of this excessive self-consciousness, or the ruthless and consistent self-analysis. This is where Gillian Butler’s advice comes in, the same basic approach needs to be undertaken and I will outline how I’m dealing with it in the next post. First I want to quote more from the French book because there are some real gems throughout the chapter and I think it will illustrate the logic of the approach better than I could:

More:

Day 154/01 (iv) - I need to shift my focus away from the internal and towards the external, in all areas of my life. I need to stop ruthlessly self-analysing and accept that I’m never going to come to a satisfactory answer. I need to stop dwelling on my issues and ruminating for months on end. In short, I need to stop being so self-conscious all the time.

To do this I am following the logic outlined both by Butler and in the French book. To coax my interest and focus back towards the external world, I started thinking about things I used to be interested in but that I have lost due to all my time being taken up with self-awareness. I needed to rediscover activities and interests that bring me joy so that I can start focusing on the outside again.

I also realised that my efforts to quit addictions have exacerbated this problem somewhat. Understandably, the process of recovery has required me to develop a deep suspicion of anything I find pleasurable in life. The benefit of this approach has been that I have removed porn and nicotine from my life, two addictions that have plagued me for the last decade. I have also regained control of my internet and smartphone use which certainly had become excessive. I do not think any of this would have been possible without a somewhat dictatorial mindset on pleasure. But it’s also true that I have gone too far and have basically tried to replicate the lifestyle of a borstal. If I’m going to be comfortable, as Wittgenstein recommends, then I’m going to need to bring pleasure back into my life.

All of this is a very long winded way of saying that, over the last couple of days, I have purposely stopped dwelling on my issues (aka stopped being overly self-conscious) and tried to reintroduce comfort and pleasure back into my life. That is why the urge to masturbation was not resisted, though I stand by my decision to go back to abstinence for a bit now.

I have been watching films again over the last few days, the first time I have really done so in years really. I thought back to films I’ve loved in the past and remembered how much I used to enjoy Woody Allen. I’ve watched six of his movies over the last two days and it has been a joy to watch them again. To spend 80 minutes absorbed in another world, not analysing my own issues, has been beyond relieving. Finally, I seem to have rediscovered my love for film.

I also watched a Man Utd (the team I support) game live for the first time in a good many years. I’ve loved football since I was a kid but never made any real attempt to watch apart from international tournaments. I’d keep up to date with the scores but I lost interest in watching because I didn’t want to dedicate 90 minutes each week to it, mainly because I couldn’t cut into my rumination time. Yesterday evening I watched the whole game, and again it was lovely to take an interest in it once again and forget about myself.

Today, very randomly, I went swimming with my sister and her partner. She happened to ask me this morning and so I went. I used to love swimming when I was young so it was very fitting and another good way for me to shift my focus.

I declare a new intention to avoid rumination as much as possible and to genuinely shift my awareness from myself to the rest of the world. I will also look to reintroduce comfort and pleasure back into my life, and to nurture interests and passions. I will let go of the ruthless rulings I have on myself, accepting that to achieve what I want in life I need to be willing to let them naturally happen, and this comes from relaxing.

The one caveat to this approach is that I will not accept any encroachment on my boundaries regarding porn and nicotine. I relax my approach in every other way but here I am staying as ruthless as ever. If there is any slip up here I will have to rethink my whole approach and probably return to a more disciplined and brutal self-management system. The other caveat I suppose is that making myself more relaxed does not mean that laziness is acceptable. I need to ensure I am still being productive, it’s just that I am going about it a different way. If this new approach results in a significant drop in productivity then I will also need a rethink. This is not a complete abandonment of discipline it’s just I accept I need to be more balanced with enjoyment and relaxation, especially now that I am out of the acute withdrawal stage of recovery from addiction.

I write this ridiculously long post to illustrate my change in attitude and to potentially warn that I will post here less. I’m not sure yet, I make no rulings, but it does strike me that writing lengthy daily entries here does encourage self-analysis and this perhaps may be the antithesis to what I have written above. We’ll see how it turns out, I certainly won’t abandon this completely but I may reduce the frequency and length of my posts. I’ll leave it to my new, relaxed self to decide

Day 157/01 - A repeat of the last post as I have to start by admitting I masturbated yesterday and the day before. Clearly my pledge was extremely hollow last time. I lasted about a day on my planned 24 day streak.

The incidents themselves are hardly worth delving into. The first day was a momentary urge that I lacked the conviction to resist, the second was because I felt that the damage had already been done. They were again short lasting and sensation focused. There was no external stimuli and no fantasy. I am not actually really concerned by the way it happened, I'd say the actual experiences seemed to show that I have profoundly healed.

But it does concern me that I went against my word. That worries me. I made a firm commitment and I very quickly went back on it. Probably the change I'm most proud of over the last five months is how I've been able to trust myself. If I say I'm going to do something I've followed it up. This is a return to pre-reboot and that's worrying. Whether the behaviour is destructive or not hardly matters, if I lose the ability to stick to what I say then my recovery is in jeopardy.

That is catastrophizing it somewhat but there's certainly some truth to it. Best course of action is to start over but do it seriously this time. Get through today without masturbating and focus on reaching September 9.

I should probably delve into why I want to stop doing it, as I think I was getting a little confused by my new attitude. The reality is I want to stop because I do not believe I am ready to do it without losing control, and what's happened over the last few days demonstrates I am likely right. I believe that masturbating is the first domino towards relapsing back into porn addiction.

September 9 will be the occasion when I re-evaluate this. Maybe it is time to reintroduce masturbation but I'm not going to make that decision until then. At the end of the day it's only three weeks so hardly a long time to wait. If I am able to stop until then that will go someway to proving that I can control it. Anyway, I don't need to think about it for another three weeks, my focus is on removing it until then.

My new attitude continues. In truth, I don't think it's really been tested yet. I am still in the novelty stage where I am enjoying this new way of living and dealing with my issues. The real test will be once this novelty's worn off or when I next get hit by a big wave of depression. But right now not dwelling on my issues has been pretty easy and definitely effective. There's been a few times when the old hamster wheel starts going and my old favourite subjects pop into my head (how quickly time's going/what have I done with my life/where am I going/ why don't I have anyone etc) but I've been able to stop myself from getting involved. I feel this deep recognition that nothing good can come from delving into the same old topics.

I went to badminton last night and it was a much calmer and more enjoyable experience compared to last week. I chatted more openly to the other people there and felt a lot more natural. I felt myself getting a bit anxious and self conscious at times but was definitely able to use the strategy from the Gillian Butler book. It worked well, I was happy with the progress shown.

I think there's two reasons why I have been able to stick to this. Number one is that I believe my prefrontal cortex has improved thanks to my recovery efforts meaning I can implement a greater level of self control. Previously these thoughts would be so enticing that I couldn't stop myself from diving into them now. Now a simple reminder of why I'm doing this or just shifting my focus elsewhere is sufficient.

Number two is that I really have worn out my thinking. Before there was always this belief that I would figure it out and the idea that I wouldn't be able to think of the solution seemed irrational to me. But now I have years of experience, learning the hard way that constant analysis leads nowhere. That has really helped me to stick to it as I know exactly what happens if I don't.

We'll see if it continues, as I said I know it's early days and there's always a honeymoon period after making any sort of internal change. The important part is that even if it does get a lot tougher or I start finding it hard to stay away from the old topics of thought, I will still recognise that this is the correct course for me to take. It may take more tries, or a strategy refinement, but I now deeply know that I can't return to a life of rumination.

I haven't done too much to pursue my old interests or pleasures. I did go to the beach on Sunday, again with my sister and her partner, so I guess this could count.

Mainly I've just been watching more films. I definitely have my love for cinema back. Suddenly paying attention to a film is no issue, I am feeling more open to watching a new film, and I don't get that sinking feeling of boredom and anxiety after putting one on. This may seem like a small development but I am really pleased to have rediscovered this. In a strange way it is really important to my own ideal identity, in the same way I feel about reading, that I am a film lover so I feel more at peace with myself.

Pursuing pleasure has been focused on masturbation. Worryingly I have also had far more cravings for cigarettes over the last few days since making this attitude adjustment. I have given the old addict brain an inch and it's trying to take a mile, quite predictable really. I need to ensure that my defences hold, keeping a close eye on any small lapses (such as the masturbation).

Overall, I feel really happy with the change and relieved that I have finally reached an internal truce. My situation is not sorted but it does feel that all of me is now rowing in the same direction. I not only believe that happiness is a lot more likely to happen in the future but I am also realising how it is possible to be happy even when things aren't perfect. Must ensure I put an end to the masturbation incidents as that's the only thing souring things at the moment. Apart from this I feel like I have had a real mental breakthrough. The way I'm seeing it is to think of this rumination as a scab that I've continued to pick, and I have now finally stopped and am allowing it to heal

how long did u retain b4 relapsing?

was penor function fine? any issue with ED?

It was only a day after my last bout of masturbation, which also lasted two days. Basically in the last 5 days I've masturbated on 4 of them, whereas I'd only masturbated once in the 60-odd days before that.

Functioning was completely fine, definitely no issues with ED. I'm back to feeling horny af with no stimulation at all, literally just the sensation is enough. Like being a teenager again. Erections are harder than pre-reboot, but then I never really had a massive issue with ED tbf. There's definitely a marked improvement overall.

One thing I have noticed is an improvement with the premature ejaculation issue I had. Seems counter-intuitive, since these recent masturbation sessions were a lot shorter than my old routine (5 - 10 minutes compared to several hours), but I feel able to last a lot longer. When I used to masturbate I would often get the feeling that I was near to orgasm, basically if I masturbated intensely for more than a minute at a time I'd start to get the feeling I was about to cum and would have to slow down. This resulted in me wanking in short but very frequent bursts, it's not that I would stop masturbating for longer than a few seconds but I would never be able to maintain a more intense rhythm. I guess this was the result of too much edging, I think I'd trained myself to always be on the precipice of orgasm. This obviously spilled over into my sex life too and I found it tricky to ever maintain a continuous rhythm, either I'd bust early or need to keep stopping. Based on my experiences in the last week or so this really appears to have resolved itself, I feel far more in control of how close I am to orgasm and it basically seems that I can last a lot longer whilst continually receiving pleasure. I am really interested to see whether this change will maintain itself when I next have sex.

Functioning overall has clearly improved in all areas, be that from morning wood to erections to premature ejaculation. Seems undeniable that my previous constant use of porn and edging for hours had had a detrimental impact on my functioning. Still feel like there's more improvement to come, I'm only five months clean of porn so would imagine I'll continue to see improvement for next few months at least

That's the result of too LITTLE edging

You're obviously misunderstanding the chain of events. It was when I was edging a lot that I would experience that, since I've stopped edging (and after a long break away from masturbation) the issue has gone

no I understood - you think you were edging a lot but you weren't holding the edge long enough.

I can be on that edge for 45 minutes straight ready to spill over at any time. When you get really good at it you can have the endorphin rush of an orgasm multiple times but not ejaculate

you're chasing that release of an orgasm instead of focusing on the pleasure that is stroking it or having sex

I definitely wasn't chasing a release I used to edge for several hours without orgasming, I would only orgasm once I was exhausted or when I had to. So yeah you are misunderstanding.

Should also probably stop assuming whatever applies to you automatically applies to everyone else. Edging may have had that effect on you, edging seems to have the opposite effect on me, and for others it's probably had a different impact all together. Confidently proclaiming a very narrow explanation for others' issues just because you have had a different experience, something you have done several times, is not the best habit to get into

no you are - you said yourself:

slowing down is ending the edge - you have to continue the pace or even increase but control the orgasm

No seems like you don't understand what edging is, definition from MedicalNewsToday:
"Edging is the practice of engaging in sexual stimulation to the point of climax before stopping and starting again."

Right - but with practice you can get to the point of climax and stay there for an extended period of time before having to stop - that's called staying on the edge

Ok well we were discussing the term edging because that's what I wrote not 'staying on the edge'. Not sure why you're suddenly now trying to conflate the two.

Anyway this is a pretty fruitless discussion, if I'd tried to 'stay on the edge' I would have busted thus ending the whole experience (which probably would have better than continuing to edge tbf). But mainly it's fruitless because I have found the solution to my issue, for me it's not engaging in prolonged masturbation sessions (and obviously abstaining from porn). Whatever works for you is great but again you must understand that just because it applies to you doesn't mean it will apply to everyone else, quite an important life lesson imo

Ok well by your own quote you were not edging because you originally said you had to slow down and your definition says you you stop and start again, so…

if you actually talk to anyone that edges a lot - this all falls under edging and if you really spent that much time watching porn you would know that

Try reading what I wrote again bro you definitely haven't comprehended it

Right so practice doesn't make someone better at something? Ok that's a new one

I even quoted it above - you had to slow down.

Yes slow down and stop, here's what I wrote:

"When I used to masturbate I would often get the feeling that I was near to orgasm, basically if I masturbated intensely for more than a minute at a time I'd start to get the feeling I was about to cum and would have to slow down. This resulted in me wanking in short but very frequent bursts, it's not that I would stop masturbating for longer than a few seconds but I would never be able to maintain a more intense rhythm."

The definition of edging:
""Edging is the practice of engaging in sexual stimulation to the point of climax before stopping and starting again."

Clearly they match up, even in your most pedantic mood you can't effectively argue they don't (though I'm sure you shall try)