Don't worry bro, I'm sure you'll be fine

Day 159/02 - Happy to report I made it through all of yesterday without masturbating or viewing anything close to pornography. It was actually pretty easy, I didn’t face any urges and I always felt in control of myself. I think the incident on Tuesday evening really did unsettle me enough to take it very seriously, I could clearly see how easily it would be for me to fall back into the depths of addiction. I know I can’t get complacent, I’m not out of the woods yet and I have to be on guard again today.

I am also dealing with massively increased cravings for nicotine. It is Day 34 without any nicotine and so I am a little confused why it’s happening now. Seeing other people smoke, especially in films, really makes me want one now. Last night I even had a dream about starting smoking again, the first time I can remember nicotine seeping into my dreams. To be absolutely honest, the only thing that is blocking me from succumbing to the urge to buy a pack of cigs is that I am so short of cash and they are stupidly expensive. I’ve caught myself thinking that I will resume my smoking habit when I’ve got a job and can afford them. Hopefully this is just a phase in my recovery from nicotine but I have really been quite shocked. I thought after a month clean I was done with serious cravings but that was quite naive really.

The fact that I’m dealing with increased temptations for the two major addictions in my life at the same time is unlikely to be a coincidence. I suppose as soon as one woke up it caused the other to awake too, like two crying babies sharing a cot.

Proud that I am staying strong but definitely no room for complacency right now, I appear to be at another one of those crossroads moments that happen during recovery. Best thing I can do is to simplify the process and what I’m asking of myself, all I need to do is focus on staying clean today and worry about tomorrow when it comes

FYI I am 41 hours no fap/ no porn…still going strong.

Have another smoke you lowlife

Keep going, King

Lmao what an oddly aggressive response

dude castrated himself via no fap

lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

da fuq you on about

Day 160/03 - Made it through another day. Once again it was pretty easy to stay clean and I didn’t have too many urges. Happy to be putting significant daylight between me and the slip up. I think any time within the first week is still in the danger zone so I’m not getting complacent but it’s relieving to reach the third day. My attitude is not changing, I still plan to keep it simple and just focus on getting through today.

Today marks 160 days clean of porn. Obviously it feels a little hollow due to my brief encounter with softcore material on Day 157 but it is still a great accomplishment. And, more than anything, I have to use it as motivation to keep going. I now know what it would feel like to lose this streak and to fall back into my addictive patterns, I certainly got an insight into that and it was scary. Fortunately, I get a second chance and I must make the most of it.

Nicotine urges continue pretty strongly. I am not craving vaping, I am craving smoking. I was watching ‘The Man Who Wasn’t There’ and the scene where Frances McDormand’s character asks Billy Bob Thornton for a drag of his cigarette drove me quite crazy. I have to admit my control over this has waned significantly and I believe if a cigarette was in front of me now I would smoke it. But I have made it through another day and that’s what counts. I am hopeful that this is just a phase and these cravings will pass. It reminds me of something I read on YBOP, Gary Wilson said that the addiction-related neural pathways actually grow stronger during the first few weeks of recovery and are usually at their peak around three weeks after quitting. Maybe this was a bit delayed for me as it’s been five weeks with no nicotine but I think it’s something to do with that.

Everything else in my life basically continues as normal. My mood has been okay, I am still having periods of depressive thoughts and irritable outbursts but I’ve realised this is probably quite normal. I do think this is still related to my recovery efforts but I think it mainly reflects my general unhappiness with my life situation - and that’s okay. Struggling to find a job, low on cash and back living with parents it is understandable that I’m dissatisfied and the only real solution is to fix the external reality. I have to keep plugging away, assured in the knowledge that this will only be a temporary situation even if it’s already lasted longer than I anticipated.

I’ve continued to watch films and that has been helpful to stop rumination. I also realised that I need to try to integrate writing into my life more. I really like to write, as anyone who’s seen my long winded posts on here probably knows, and I think I’m happier when I have an opportunity to do so. My jobs for the last three years have each involved writing as a core component so this isn’t new information but I see that I should make an effort to nurture it as a hobby. Having this journal over the last few months has been really enjoyable to me because it has given me a reason to write. I need to find a more sustainable and non-anonymous outlet. I’m thinking of writing film reviews or something simple. I think this will be another good way to stop ruminating and introduce more enjoyment into my life.

I also think I’m going to bring forward the date for when I can download dating apps. Waiting until September 9 just seems pointless and I’m feeling a strong desire to meet someone. I will probably wait another few days, ensuring that I get a week at least away from the slip up on Day 157, but I think it’s the right time to get back in the game.

Overall, reboot continues and I am grateful to be able to say that

congrats boyo

imma try for 30 days

day 2 rn

My last fap was Aug 21, 8am. Gonna try nofap for 30 days. Sep 20.

Good luck bro sounds like a solid plan. Let me know how it's going, rooting for you

I have resisted against quitting cold turkey but u have inspired me lol

I'll give 30 days a shot and report back

Aw that is really nice to hear haha thank you, I think your method had a lot of validity as well and it seemed like you were making a lot of progress. But I don't think it would be a bad idea for you to try this now as you've probably already weakened the addiction's hold on you.

Focus on getting to one week and go from there. You've proved that you can tackle this addiction by reducing it so successfully so be confident but not complacent. Will be following with close interest bro

Keep going, King

/QUOTE]

I just about got day 4, which is something. Currently on 9.5 hours no fap.

That's good bro, if you limited the relapse to a single session and didn't binge then you've made progress. Try to learn from what ended the last streak but it's a great sign that you got straight back on the horse

Day 161/04 - Another day checked off. It has been easy since the slip-up, I think a reflection of my genuine commitment to getting back on track. Way too early to get cocky as it’s only Day 4 but I do feel in control of myself and a rejuvenated understanding of why I’m doing this. I never want to go back to those terrible days of porn addiction and I never want to lose the progress I have made over the last five months.

That slip-up may have been a blessing in disguise as it’s also made me get serious about abstaining from masturbation. Prior to my little brush with porn, I was finding it real tricky to keep under control. There had been a week or so where daily masturbation was common and I think that was likely to continue due to my new laissez-faire attitude. I was considering re-introducing masturbation permanently but now I believe I am a lot happier and more focused when it is removed. It doesn’t seem that I am able to have a healthy relationship with it, at least at the moment, it’s still all or nothing. If those are my options I choose nothing everytime.

Another day clean of nicotine too, make that Day 36. Cravings are calming down a little, certainly still there, and dangerously so, but a little reduced from the madness of the last few days. I need to try and unpack the craving and understand what deeper need is being expressed. Because I don’t think I’m craving the sensation. When the yearning for nicotine hits it often involves seeing myself in the third-person smoking, rather than actually focusing on the first-person experience. That tells me it’s more of an emotional longing than anything else. Anyway, hopefully it was just a temporary flare up and will calm down now.

My mood has been better for the last two or three days. I am more stable and able to see things with perspective. Before this I had been struggling with bouts of low mood and flashes of irritability. I was acting like a moody teenager and there was a mixture of self-pity and self-loathing. It wasn’t all encompassing, probably better to see it as mood swings rather than a permanent state, but I seem to have settled now. Continuing to try and avoid rumination (which hasn’t always been totally successful). Been watching a load of films, exercising a lot and about to put on the Man Utd game now. It hasn’t been a perfect process but shifting my attention to the outside world has already resulted in a more pleasant existence.

I find that I am re-embracing recovery and its power to transform. Disillusionment hit as I approached the 150 day mark, I suppose out of impatience more than anything else, but I’ve been thinking over the last few days and I once again recognise how short a time that really is. This is not to discount the idea that many of my issues may need to be proactively tackled but it does mean that I am more hopeful about deeper change occurring. I believe it’s going to take a combination of both to become the man I want to be

Smashing it bro, stay strong and keep going. The first couple of days are always the toughest so you'd done well to get through them, keep your initial motivation for quitting close to your mind at all times and try to keep busy if you can

Day 162/05 - Another day without porn and masturbation. Did have a temptation to touch my dick yesterday evening, I was showering and felt horny but just about resisted. No urges so far today. Good to be putting some daylight between me and the slip but I still have to be careful. I could tell last night I wasn’t as steadfast in commitment so I need to make sure I stay strong today.

My cravings for nicotine have been out of control today. After 37 days of being nicotine free I thought I was beyond it but today was the worst day for cravings in the entirety of the streak. There was a 20 minute period where all I could think about was smoking. I actually felt quite torn and was considering succumbing to the urge, it was that strong and, unlike porn, I don’t feel too connected to my initial reasons for quitting. I flipped a coin, heads I’d buy some cigs and tails I’d continue abstaining, and luckily it came up tails. I’m not saying I would have followed the coin's advice if it had come up but it certainly would have made it a lot tougher. I managed to get through it in the end, I researched on the internet about nicotine’s relationship to dopamine and this helped me to reconnect with my initial motivation for quitting. I then went and bought some chewing gum and I seem to, by the skin of my teeth, have survived the urge.

I have to be careful as this nearly beat me. What’s incredible is that this wasn’t about a result of complacency or a slip up in the moment, this was a complete rationalisation. Whilst I was completely sober and in a normal state of mind, the addiction tried to rationally convince me that returning to the addiction was in my best interest, and it nearly won. Honestly shows the raw power of addiction and especially the power of nicotine addiction. My plan for dealing with urges, should they return over the next few days, is to start chewing gum again. That helped during the first two weeks and it has helped today.

Probably related to the ridiculous nicotine cravings, my mood has also been pretty negative today. I’ve felt really angry and self-pitying, which I’d imagine the unsatisfied nicotine cravings are contributing to. Nothing too bad but worth noting for reference. Both my addictions have been awakened this week and I have to expect a slight return to withdrawal symptoms until they settle down. Best thing I can do is get another day of sobriety under my belt

Killing it bro keep going

Day 0 - It's time. Today I once again masturbated to orgasm and this time I did it whilst I was on Tinder. I was lenient with myself last time, when I watched the softcore film on Tuesday, but I have failed to learn my lesson. That leaves me with no other option but to reset my entire streak.

It's the right thing to do. I think by giving myself another warning I would be enabling a return to this behaviour. I have downloaded online dating apps again, I did it yesterday on a bit of a whim, and I want to be able to use them because I am feeling lonely. So I have to be strict with myself as I know how tempting they are and how similar they function to porn. Therefore any edging whilst on them has to count as an immediate relapse. I wish I had set out these guidelines yesterday before I downloaded them but I have had to learn the hard way.

I am obviously sad, letting go of a 163 day streak is tough, but I know it has to happen. I also think it's beneficial to stop having to count two streaks as this was making it easier to rationalise masturbating since it did not impact the longer, more important streak. By starting over I can return to only having one streak, which should make me more focused on abstaining from both porn and masturbation.

It is worth saying that I do not think I have lost all progress. Far from it in fact, I believe my healing is ongoing and hardly affected by the recent slip-ups. The reason I am resetting is to protect the progress I have made, recognising that allowing these slips-ups to become more frequent, or to allow them to escalate, would put my recovery in jeopardy. I have not watched porn since March 15 and that still stands. Whilst I am no longer basing my streak on that it will still be something I am aware of. It makes no sense for me to pretend that this Day 0 is the same as my last Day 0. It is vastly different and I am still 5 months clean, it's just that I have to start anew to set a ruthless standard.

My intention now is to focus on achieving another 90 day streak but this time I want it to be completely pure. That means no porn and no masturbation. Despite all the progress I have made on this streak I was never able to reach a full 90 days without any masturbation. This seems like the right time to take on this challenge and a good chance to refresh my recovery efforts. So the new streak begins here, rather than replacing the old one it will be building on a very solid 5-month foundation

Day 0 (ii) - I have to also think carefully about how I wish to interact with the dating apps now that they are back in my life. I downloaded them last night because I was feeling lonely and I no longer saw the reasoning for delaying. This was a mistake, I should have been more cautious as I knew that I would have to set some ground rules. I find them to be very addictive and stimulating so it was inevitable that it would trigger urges. Downloading them first and asking questions later was a foolish attitude and the relapse therefore can't come as a surprise.

Accepting that this is done, how should I move forward? There is a temptation to immediately delete the apps with the reasoning being that I clearly can't control myself with them. This has a lot of logic but the reality is I feel that I need them. I really want to meet someone and I don't currently have any outlet to do so outside of the dating apps. That's a sad fact but one I have to be honest about. So deleting them does not seem to be a real option to me.

Therefore I have to focus instead on restriction rather than removal. I need some rules on use:
- No use after 9pm
- Use swipes on each app each day at 12pm but do not check unless I get a notification of a message or match

These are the only ones I can think of at the moment. The reality is I will have to track and be honest with myself about how I'm using them. I will write about it here in my journal, outlining my screen time on the apps and talk about how I'm finding it. The likelihood is that I will probably have to intervene again as I can tell this will be challenging. I’ll implement these rules and tinker with them should I have trouble managing my use

Thank you bro, I'm feeling a little disappointed but I am okay. I recognise that the streak isn't everything, just because I'm on Day 0 doesn't mean I've lost my progress. Just need to get back on the horse and keep healing. Glad you're doing it as well, let's both finally beat this lame addiction

Day 0 (iii) - Mood wise I felt awful this morning. I woke up with my ego undone at the seams. I felt absolutely trash. This was part of the reason why I relapsed, I yearned for some stimulation and distraction and so I fell into the old habit of using the addiction to numb the pain.

It's important to state that I also did not have any caffeine this morning. I didn't have any until 2.30pm when I bought a coffee and energy drink. I felt much better after consuming some caffeine. It was a month ago that I had the realisation of how much no caffeine was impacting my mood so this was probably a contributor again today.

But that can't be the entire story because it's been a fair few days of battling these feelings. In truth it's been many years. I think mainly it is a case of feeling what was always there - only now I have no way of numbing myself. I don't think it's a coincidence that I have had my biggest ever cravings for nicotine these last few days, or that I downloaded dating apps again and then used them to relapse. The pain has been stronger than ever and I’ve finally come full circle.

Here is the pain that I was initially running away from when I became an addict as a teenager, now I have a decision to make. Do I once again run away from the uncomfortable emotions and numb myself with an addiction, or do I now embrace the pain and properly feel it so I can finally process it? There is obviously only one option. That's why I'm starting a new streak. I renew my commitment to recovery and will face this pain.

It may be a good idea to investigate this pain so I have a better idea of what I'm dealing with. It's a complex emotion and it has many facets but there is a road I can take to get inside. Last night I started reading Woody Allen's autobiography. The first few chapters are, surprise surprise, about his childhood. He talks about what he was like as a kid. He talks about being into comedy, jazz and magic as a kid, how he was interested in girls, cutting school etc. Pretty standard stuff, nothing particularly remarkable. But whilst I was reading it I noticed that I was having a strong emotional reaction. I felt resentful. I felt jealous. I felt inferior. There was a strong sense of injustice, as well as a massive amount of self loathing. Mainly I felt waves of inadequacy and insecurity. All of this from reading an 88 year old man reflecting on his childhood in the 1940s. What on Earth was going on?

Well, I know perfectly well what it's about. It is not unusual for these emotions to be triggered by someone speaking about their adolescence. In fact, I have often deliberately avoided material if it deals with this in any way as I know it will cause this reaction. It’s because I have always felt that I did not have the teenage experience one is supposed to. Between the ages of 15 and 18, I didn't go to house parties, I didn't experiment with alcohol or drugs, I didn't start dating or have my first love, I didn't test my parents authority, I didn't try out a new persona, I didn't go to gigs etc. I really didn't do very much at all. I stayed at home, I watched tv, I played video games, I read a bit. I watched a lot of porn. It was all solitary.

Of course I went to school and I was never a loner there, I always had friends. I used to go round my mates house too, we'd play and watch football, play video games, I even remember us drinking a bit, so really this can be seen as a pretty normal teenage friendship, even if it was slightly stunted as all my school friendships were. I was all surface and that was because I was hiding massive feelings of inferiority. Feelings I was hiding even from myself.

This was not all due to missing out on teenage kicks. My Dad, who I idolised and used to see every other weekend, left the country when I was 15 and I became depressed. I have long been angry at my Dad for doing so, in truth our relationship is fukked and I've never forgiven him, as this clearly had a big effect on me. I have already explored many of these feelings in therapy and believe I have a decent understanding of how this impacted me. But it is the subsequent experience of believing that I was missing out that I am now interested in. I think I had always assumed that this feeling was far less impactful than my Dad leaving, and that's probably true, but I am now realising how much I carry it with me.

The experience last night is not unusual and I think helps explain why I do feel inadequate to my peers. Despite having all the experiences that a normal 27 year old has had I still feel that I am somehow lacking in something. Even though my experiences at university between 18 and 22 were packed with youthful experiences of clubbing, house parties, having friends, women, experimenting with drugs etc I still internally feel like a naive teenager missing out. I think I’ve never got over this pain, this shame about myself, and I carry it with me still.

And it’s clear why I became a porn addict in this period. Feeling left out, that I was not doing what I should be doing, porn would have numbed the pain. It would have probably gone from a normal curiosity to a dependency. Unknowingly I used it to distract myself and fuel an illusion that I was having the sexual experiences I wanted. I started smoking at 17 and this also fits into the narrative. Starting to smoke has always been a common way for adolescents to assert their independence and adulthood. For a kid who felt like he was missing out, felt younger than his years, looked very young for his age, smoking would be one way to allow myself to feel like a grown up. It isn’t too difficult to see why both became my addictions and how they helped to shield me away from the pain of missing out on the expected teenage experiences. But they almost worked too well as coping mechanisms. They did numb the pain but this just meant the pain was never confronted or processed, so instead it stayed with me.

It makes sense that I am now feeling the full force of this pain. For the first time in a decade, I am without the crutches of porn and nicotine. Added to that, it is really my first time out of work or education for a sustained period. How I'm living now is not too dissimilar to what I was doing as a 17 year old during the summer holidays. Unknowingly, I have recreated those same conditions and it has coaxed those feelings to the forefront once again, hence why I had such a potent reaction to such a ridiculous thing.

This also explains why my cravings for nicotine and masturbation are hitting so hard at the moment. The conditions are recreated and so my instinct is to deal with it in the same way I did then; by numbing and distracting myself with PMO and nicotine. Except this time I have resisted (well, apart from masturbating to Tinder today) and chosen a different path. That trapped emotion, the one I continually numbed through addiction, is finally being released. It may not feel like it now but, if this theory is correct, going through these emotions is an incredibly positive development. I can now confront and process this emotion and finally let go of this pain.

It reminds me of how I was dealing with massively increased feelings about my ex-girlfriend when I moved back here 3 months ago. I felt a regression into the past and I felt the pain again of breaking up, only this time I felt it without being able to numb myself (when we broke up 2.5 years ago I really leaned into my porn addiction). In many ways I had to properly grieve the end of our relationship for the first time, with the emotions coming on strongly because she actually did randomly initiate contact about 6 weeks ago (something I alluded to as news but never delved into) and then she never responded again. This brought all the pain up and forced me to properly process the pain that I had avoided at 25.

Now this same process appears to be happening again, only now I am encountering emotions from even earlier. I am now having to go through the pain of being a teenager who feels he is missing out, feels inadequate, resentful that he is not living how he feels he should etc. Again, I now have to soberly face this pain so that I can properly process it.

I am somewhat sceptical of any theory that fits too neatly, and this theory certainly feels neat to me. But it makes sense to me and it all adds up.

It’s important that I renew my commitment to recovery, as I have done by starting a new streak, as this pain will only be properly processed if I avoid numbing it. So priority number one is to continue to stay clean from porn and nicotine, ensuring I do not repeat the same mistake I made as a teenager.

Another good method would be to arrange some therapy to further explore these feelings. Coincidentally, I actually did refer myself for some free therapy yesterday. This may not be too helpful though, as I’ve read horror stories of it taking up to a year to actually receive your first session, but I can’t really afford or justify private therapy right now. Hopefully I will be able to get some sessions on the NHS in a reasonable timeframe but, if not, I can always start private sessions once I am back in work.

I have been in therapy before without great success, and I always feel quite resentful about spending so much money on a service with such undependable results, but it’s reasonable to believe it will be more effective now that I am (relatively) free of addiction. I have read before how therapy doesn’t really work for active addicts in the same way it does for non-addicts. Focusing on this particular pain will also be beneficial as I have rarely explored it in therapy, that was usually spent talking about my earlier childhood so I think there is some unexplored territory.

This is more of a rambling post without too much of a specific focus but I wanted to get this insight in my journal, mainly for myself to remember it. I am trying to reframe the pain I feel, recognising that it is essential for me to experience it and that it is progress. There is somewhat of a resentment just admitting this. I feel a bit angry, mainly at myself, that such a trivial emotion may still be causing me such issues. Because looking back I can realise that it hardly matters that I didn’t experience what I wanted to as a 15 - 18 year old. Those experiences would come. But just because it logically seems ridiculous doesn’t mean it wasn’t painful for me at the time, and I can see I never dealt with it due to being an addict. Part of recovery then, a significant part of healing, is finally confronting the pain that initially led me to the addictive behaviour. In my case, at least part of this was due to the feeling that I missed out on teenage experiences. So I must now process that

Haha fair enough bro, we're onto Day 1 now so lets do this

Day 1 - Beginning of a new era. Happy to report that I didn’t rationalise masturbating again yesterday. It would have been easy for me to think “I’ve already relapsed, I’m starting again tomorrow, so one more time won’t hurt” and the fact I didn’t is a good sign that I’m taking a long-term approach to recovery rather than falling for the streak mentality. I’m not feeling too bothered by the fact it’s a new streak. I know that my progress has not been reset even if my streak has.

I am still feeling pretty crappy today. My self-esteem is critically low and I feel a variety of conflicting emotions about my life, the only thing that unites them is that they are all (predominantly) negative. Hopefully this is a phase. Regarding what I wrote yesterday, about finally being able to process teenage feelings, I have continued to try and focus on the emotions when they come and not run away from them. In truth, I think I have to accept that there is probably not going to be significant improvement in the way I see myself until I get a job at least. It is immensely frustrating waiting for this as I’m hearing about any of the ones I’ve applied for. But I guess I have to be patient and keep trying.

It’s also true that my lifestyle has deteriorated recently. My sleep hygiene has gone from perfect to problematic. I’m going to sleep later and waking up later. Part of that is because I’ve neglected to follow the no electronics after 9pm rule. Diet and hydration are not being sufficiently taken care of either, not unusual for me to eat junk food and I’m rarely eating five fruit and veg a day. I’m not meditating anymore either or taking cold showers. The basics aren’t being taken care of. As part of my new 90 day streak I want to return to my healthy lifestyle as I know that has a significant impact on my mood. I will start following the daily rules again.

Staying clean of nicotine continues to be challenging, though I (tentatively) think that the worst of the cravings may be over for now. Yesterday was a little easier than the day before. Buying a pack of cigs remains a constant temptation but I feel that now I have reaffirmed my decision it bothers me less. I happened to speak to my mate from uni last night and we were chatting about quitting nicotine. He hasn’t smoked for four years now but he was telling me he still has cravings. Quite an upsetting thought but helps to put my recent urges into context. Anyway, Day 39 with no nicotine now and I am proud that I did resist the siren calls over the last week. Part of me wonders if my bad mood was caused by these nicotine cravings but I think the cause and effect is probably the other way round. A reduction in cravings would still result in a more stable mood so I’m hoping the worst is behind me.

Having the dating apps back is going okay. There was definitely an initial disappointment, I guess one can’t help but build up expectations that something exciting will happen immediately. To risk sounding like a dick, the standard of most of these girls is not great and I’m not getting the abundance of matches I want. It’s the Annie Hall joke, ‘the food here is terrible and such small portions’. Still I have had a decent amount of matches on Tinder and even a couple on bumble so I can’t complain. I’m sure there’ll be an opportunity soon enough. Just have to be patient and not take it too seriously.

That’s the basic lay of the land on my first day of this new streak, hopefully I will see vast improvements in 89 days time. I will hit the 90 Day landmark on 24 November and I am determined to be completely porn and masturbation free for that entire time. To be clear, I set no limits on sex so I’m free to pursue that as much as I want now (not that this hall pass necessarily means it’s now going to happen sadly). Despite my negativity this morning, I am quite excited to begin. I have progressed so much over the last 164 days and I think another 90 days would be a tremendous milestone and a good indication that the addiction has been overcome

Day 2 - First day checked off. Always the trickiest so a relief to get through. Must remain focused. Have also continued to avoid nicotine and today marks 40 days without, a pretty impressive milestone and a nice reward for the strength I’ve shown in resisting cravings this week.

My mood is slightly better today. I went to the gym with my mate yesterday and then stayed out and had a few drinks, which definitely helped me to get out of my head. I must admit my mood was a bit ****ty this morning but I went for a walk round town and ended up running into my sister's best friend. Just having a couple of minutes of small talk also boosted my mood.

Not a groundbreaking discovery but socialising definitely helps my mental health. I wonder if I may be getting slightly more pleasure out of socialising, which must be related to the reversal of desensitisation. Without a job I am very isolated and so social interactions are limited so it’s hard to know for sure. I need to build a life that encourages socialising. Obviously getting a job is a big one and the main way that I can transform my social life. Being back on dating apps is another key way as it opens up the potential for dates and possibly more. But I think there's other ways too. I think I'm going to sign up for an evening class to give me another way of socialising. There's a class in digital photography which I think could be good for me so I think I'm going to do that.

Today I'm mainly bothered by a lack of intimacy and feeling that I am unattractive. I really want to meet someone, to feel loved or at least wanted, but I don't have any faith that it will happen. I've had a few matches on the apps but none with any real potential. I just wish I had a partner. Quite painful. I understand that it’s a good thing to feel this pain, this is something else that my addictions were numbing, and it will be a driving force. But in the moment it’s hard to appreciate that or take a longer-term perspective. Instead it just feels chitty

Day 3 - Another day ticked off though it was a little trickier. I was in the bath yesterday and had an overwhelming urge to masturbate. I tried to resist but I ended up doing it for a few seconds. Glad I stopped but it’s a worrying sign, especially considering it was only Day 2 when it happened. Taking a bath or shower is the one time I get the most urges and I’m not quite sure how to counter it. Need to think about that a bit more as it’s a vulnerability that’s already been exposed.

Also Day 41 of no nicotine and cravings have definitely become more manageable. I was reading other people’s experiences of quitting and I’ve realised I have probably underestimated the impact it is having on my mood. I mostly assumed all the withdrawals would be over after the first couple of weeks but it seems that it’s quite normal to experience mood swings, depression, anxiety and irritability for months after. I think it’s very likely that my negative mood over the last couple of weeks has been influenced by quitting nicotine, significantly more than I previously thought.

My mood was a little bit better yesterday so hopefully that is a good sign. I was still a bit down in the dumps but I was able to live outside my head more often. So far this morning I feel calmer and slightly more positive. I had a really good night’s sleep last night so that’s definitely helping and I want to make an effort to eat better today. My diet hasn’t been too bad but it’s just been a lot more slack. Need to always ensure the basics of my lifestyle (sleep, diet, hydration, exercise) are being taken care of.

That’s about all there is to say really, everything else in my life remains the same. No dating opportunities so far, search for a job is still ongoing and frustrating, and the overall situation is as it was. Patience and persistence is the key, sticking to my recovery goals and allowing desensitisation from porn and nicotine to reverse. Trust the process

Stay strong, bro! You're definitely on the right track regarding the childhood memories. Remember, you're not weird and not alone in this fight… You're just conscious enough to realise it! Other people… don't, unfortunately.

I tried nofap once - worst 6 hours of my life

Thank you bro, hope your streak is still alive and well

Lmao

Day 4 - Happy to tick off another day. Yesterday I didn’t really encounter any urges and was able to get through the day pretty easily. Same with nicotine (42 days), probably the first day in a couple of weeks where I didn’t have any urges.

I was in a much better mood yesterday too. Everything felt lighter, I had a sense of humour and there was a sense of optimism that my life is heading in the right direction. As nice as this was, I’m pretty certain it was caused by drinking a Monster energy drink yesterday (in addition to my two regular cups of black coffee). I think boosting my caffeine intake put me in a much better mood, feeling much more like myself. Noticing the connection between increased mood and increased caffeine has once again forced me to confront whether my relationship with the drug is doing more harm than good.

Because of this experience I've decided it is finally time to tackle my caffeine dependency. I've been torn between wanting to rid myself off all my addictive behaviours and also wanting to avoid overloading. I know that removing caffeine is going to result in withdrawals, at a time when I'm already dealing with the loss of nicotine (42 days) and porn (more than 5 months). The first week is going to be hellish and it will probably be another month or so of chitty mood. It's also the loss of another coping mechanism and another aspect of my identity.

But I believe it's better to do this now, whilst I have few responsibilities and my life is in a transition period, then delay. I'm going to have to go through the withdrawals at some point so may as well do it now. There doesn't seem to be a way round this and it makes more sense to group the withdrawals from each of my addictions within a relatively short time-frame. The appeal is that once caffeine is removed I will have tackled all of the addictions and dependencies in my life.

In terms of the long-term benefits I'm expecting from quitting caffeine, I don't really have any grand expectations. I would class my dependency as fairly mild (though I investigate that more below) so I can't imagine it will be anything revolutionary. But I have been reading a Reddit sub called decaf and many people on there claim quitting transformed their mental health and focus so I guess I have a bit of hope. Mainly I am doing it because I want to get to a point where I have no addictions and artificial dependencies. I probably haven't spent more than a handful of days free of porn, nicotine and caffeine for 15 years and I just need to know what life is like as a non-addict. It's really strange to think that I have lived my entire adult life with active addictions to nicotine and porn, and a clear dependency on caffeine, and it means I have no real idea what normal is. Given how unhappy I have been it is essential that I find out, even if only to confirm that my issues are completely unrelated to addiction.

My relationship with caffeine started in my early teens when I started drinking coke and other fizzy drinks on a daily basis. I don't have any hard data on the quantity but it was definitely a daily habit. Usually I'd have one or two 500ml bottles but it wasn't rare for me to have a 2 litre bottle to myself. Apparently the 500ml bottles contain 48mg of caffeine, similar to a cup of coffee, so that would have certainly resulted in some dependency, and I definitely remember getting antsy and fidgety if I hadn't had one. I also dabbled in energy drinks but I don't recall this ever becoming a consistent part of my daily routine. My fizzy drink habit waned in my late teens and, with a bit of effort, by my mid-twenties I had basically removed it completely.

But my caffeine dependency would have grown as I was still drinking coffee. This habit began in my late teens and continues to this day. My intake has fluctuated over the years, my minimum is 2 cups of black coffee (as I'm doing now) but it could sometimes be as high as five cups. At my last job it was common for me to drink four or five cups of strong black coffee each day.

My method for quitting is going to involve staggering initially. For the first week I am going to continue consuming caffeine but limiting myself to one cup of black coffee each day. Then in the second week I will allow one cup of green tea. After a week I will completely remove all caffeine. I have decided to start this on Sunday (September 1)