Fairly regularly, I always do a little run when I go to the gym, and would run 2km twice a week. Also was playing badminton once a week until recently. Could definitely do more though, I would like to do more sprinting as I've read that high intensity exercise is really good for dopamine regulation

What day of the streak are you on?

Fair play bro do whatever feels right to you. The only thing I'd say is to do it without porn

Day 5 - Another day clean of porn. I had a pretty strong urge yesterday. In the midst of a caffeine crash at around 4pm (more below) I went on Tinder. I came across this black girl and she had pictures where she was just wearing a thong and really showing off her ass. The rush I got from these pictures was potent. It definitely brought me back to life temporarily. Predictably, I got an insane urge to start edging but I was strong enough to tell myself no.

Really quite happy to have resisted the urge as it was very powerful. It does illustrate how tempting these dating apps are and how common it is to come across pictures that are basically pornographic in nature. Not being a prude but it is a constant source of temptation. However, I have managed my use of dating apps well since getting them back and taking more precautions. This latest experience is just an example of the necessity of doing so.

Stayed free of nicotine too and basically had no urges yesterday. I seem to have come out of the manic-craving phase I was in and hit a more stable part of recovery. One thing I’ve realised is that cigarettes still feature in my fantasies. For example, if I’m imagining myself in the future I always see myself with a cig. This doesn’t even function as a craving to use now but there seems to be this implicit message that nicotine is in my future. Not sure how significant this is just quite interesting.

In reaction to my decision to quit caffeine on Sunday I went on a caffeinated binge yesterday. A very addict-brained move, similar to how I always went on a several hour porn binge before starting a new streak. This was slightly more of a conscious decision, though I'm sure probably less than I initially thought.

I ended up having my normal two cups of coffee and then having an energy drink. After downing the first, I ended up having another. My caffeine intake would have been roughly 800mg, double the recommended maximum of 400mg. I felt an incredible state of euphoria and invincibility during the binge. There were times when I really did feel like I was under the influence of an illegal drug. I've taken coke, MDMA, ket-amine before and I'm not saying this was anywhere near as powerful but it felt like a milder form. This was followed by the inevitable massive energy crash. I felt in a chitty mood all evening and then wasn’t able to fall asleep until 4am. This morning I woke up with a headache (that coincidentally got better after my first coffee) and definitely in a hungover state.

This experiment was completely stupid and taught me nothing. But it did demonstrate the power of caffeine. Perhaps the only useful thing to come out of it was that it made me assess how much caffeine I was consuming. Working out what I consumed yesterday led me to think about how much caffeine I have on a normal day.

Apparently one teaspoon of instant coffee has roughly 30mg-50mg of caffeine. For my coffee I would use a tablespoon (3 times the size of a teaspoon), and often I would average a tablespoon and a half meaning that one coffee contained roughly 150mg-200mg of caffeine. At the moment I have two of these each day, in the past frequently more, meaning I get at least 300mg of caffeine. I think this is a pretty conservative estimate too as I would rarely closely measure what I was putting in, basically always eyeballing it and always following the idea that ‘too much is better than too little’. My coffee always tastes incredibly strong.

I previously classed any caffeine dependency I had as mild but investigating it as part of this ‘experiment’ made me realise it is definitely beyond that. Makes me more motivated to quit and believe there is a greater chance that it is having negative effects on me, especially in terms of stress and anxiety.

It once again makes me reflect on how I've lived my life since I was teenager. Caffeine has been a constant in my life since I was 11 or 12 and I'd say quickly becoming dependency. Porn has been present since the same age and became an addiction when I was about 15. And I started smoking when I was 17. For years I've been constantly doped up with all of these. Just because these are socially acceptable addictions doesn't mean they are any less harmful or destructive. It is really strange to realise that I haven't known myself outside of addiction since I was a little boy

Keep up the good fight srs.

I want to give up caffeine too but it helps my mood so much at work smh bartender crew

It makes me way more social which makes me more money.

Day 2 for me. My longest streak in recent memory was a month when I was with my ex

Yeah I can understand that tbf, only reason I'm so willing to remove it now is because I don't have responsibilities at the moment. If I was still working there's no way I'd be able to come off it as quickly as I plan. The withdrawals are gonna suck but good time for me to do it.

How come you want to quit if you think it helps your mood? Only reason I'm quitting is because I've read it contributes to anxiety.

Good luck with the nofap streak too. My best advice is to try for long streaks but mainly focus on removing porn

Nice one bro that sounds like a plan. How much caffeine you drinking at the moment? 2-4 cups would still be a decent amount so you must be on a lot rn

I lift after work at 4:30 and I think the crash from the caffeine is affecting my workouts. Also I'd like to get to a point where I don't need any mood altering substances, I want to be fully sober and conscious.

I barely drink, only on social occasions, and after I finish my edibles I'm done with that too.

In my opinion they're distractions

Ah okay that makes sense. Understand what you're saying about energy drinks and pwo, seems to me there's a lot of chit in them and they always make me feel fuzzy, so cutting them out seems a good idea

One of my motivations too tbf, I want to know what it's like to live without any artificial dependencies, so makes sense. I'm basically convinced by the belief that there's no such thing as free lunch so can't really tolerate any dependencies, even one as seemingly innocuous as caffeine (though apparently it may be more damaging than I thought, recommend checking out reddit decaf sub)

Day 1 - Masturbated yesterday evening. I had an urge and then had a thought that “you’re making a change tomorrow anyway, may as well start the streak over too” and that because it’s a new month it would somehow make it easier to track. Clear rationalisation and disappointed in myself.

Still I am not too worried and do think there is a nice synchronicity in coinciding the streak with my other self-improvement efforts. It’s good that I didn’t binge and that I didn’t use any external stimulation but I need to ensure I don’t fall back into small streaks. It is far easier to slip-up during the early days and I need to focus to get to double digits so that the temptation reduces.

No real nicotine urges yesterday and I’ve managed to stay another day free. More than six weeks without any nicotine, more than seven without vaping and a few months without cigs. Don’t wish to be complacent but I feel firmly back in control of this. It was touch and go for the last few weeks as the cravings were insane but I believe that’s passed now.

Today marks the beginning of my efforts to cut out caffeine. I will only have one cup of coffee today and will only use two teaspoons of instant coffee to make it. Over the week I plan to subtly reduce the amount of instant coffee so that by Saturday I am only using one teaspoon. Then from Sunday I will switch to green tea for a week before removing all forms of caffeine. I am tempted to go cold turkey but I think it’s more sensible to taper in this way. It may be a little slower but it’s more sustainable and will hopefully curb the worst of the withdrawal symptoms.

I am feeling quite excited, as I do before making any change, and have become convinced that my caffeine use was contributing to my anxiety. I’ve been reading reddit posts (another habit I’m quitting today coincidentally) of people detailing their experience and it’s very common for people to say that quitting helped. It makes complete sense that taking a stimulant everyday would result in some side effects and that this could involve an increase in anxiety, neuroticism and rumination. Still not getting my hopes up too high but I do believe that removing caffeine in combination with my continued efforts to quit porn and nicotine will result in tangible improvement to my mental health.

For clarity’s sake, here are the other changes I am introducing today:
- Meditation. 2 minutes (m+n) from 1-7, 5 minutes 8 - 14, 10 minutes from Sept 15
- No internet or smartphone use after 9pm. Can watch film on TV until 10.
- Limit non-productive internet use to one hour (browsing, journal etc)
- Stop biting fingernails and fingers
- Daily protein shakes
- 30 minute job search
- Watch one film each day

Day 2 - First day reducing caffeine went pretty smoothly. I ended up having a cheap iced latte from a shop after my sister brought one over, roughly 120mg of caffeine, so more than I was expecting but still a reduction from my normal intake. Today I’m having one instant coffee made strictly with two teaspoons of coffee (60 - 100mg of caffeine).

I noticed I was a lot more tired yesterday but this may have been because I was struggling with hayfever all day. I also went the whole day without a dump which is very unusual for me. My normal routine was to have at least two a day, both usually coming directly after drinking a cup of coffee. Expect that to be a potential issue but too early to say for sure.

Mood-wise I didn’t feel much different. Considering it’s only one day, and my intake was still 50% my normal amount, that makes sense. My energy in the evening was maybe a bit better than normal. I remember writing in here before how my mood tends to crash in the evenings, which I didn’t even consider caffeine to be contributing to, so that’s another area where I’d expect some changes (after the withdrawals). But really the reduction in caffeine was so mild yesterday that I doubt it actually made a significant difference.

Got through the day without any masturbation (or porn, of course). I’ve also started to lose interest in the dating apps which is a good sign. I’m still using them but I don’t feel the need to go on them unless I get a notification. First few days of having them back I was compulsively checking them and I was slightly concerned that this was firing up the old addict brain, so it is a relief that I can use them normally. Have had a couple of decent matches tbf but yet to have sparked up any real rapport with any, let alone got a date yet. That’s okay, I know it’s a bit of a numbers game and I'm happy to be patient.

Also made it through without any nicotine, which I believe makes it 45 days now. Once again I didn’t have any urges. It was only a week or so ago where I was flipping a coin to decide whether to buy a pack of cigs or not. Sliding doors moment and I’m grateful that I’m still nicotine free.

The other changes I wanted to introduce went fairly well. I meditated twice. I halted internet and smartphone use after 9pm. I didn’t bite my nails. However, I didn’t drink my protein shake, watch a film, or commit 30 minutes to job searching. I will make sure to correct that today.

Overall then a good start to the month and to my new self-improvement efforts

Day 3 - Effectively got through the second day of reducing caffeine. Yesterday I had one cup of joe, this time using slightly less than two teaspoons of instant coffee. Just about to make today’s cup now and will use 1.5 teaspoons. I’m finding cutting down relatively easy. This isn’t like nicotine or porn for me, I haven’t experienced any real cravings. Of course this is very early days but I think this illustrates the difference between an addiction and dependency.

There may be no urges but that doesn’t mean there’ll be no withdrawal symptoms. They haven’t arrived yet but I know they’re coming. I was in a pretty good mood yesterday, maybe feeling slightly more tired than normal but overall I was quite jovial. I’m probably in a ‘pink cloud’ - an AA term that means extreme positivity after initially making a change. I did notice last night that some negative thoughts were creeping in. As I was trying to drift off to sleep I was getting little jabs about my age, how quickly time goes, what I’ve done with my life, missing my ex etc. I was able to ride them out but I took their presence as a sign. There’s no point in running or hiding, withdrawal is coming.

To be fair, I can probably expect another few days at least of decent mood. I imagine I’m consuming enough caffeine to avoid symptoms for now. It will probably be next Sunday, when I swap to green tea, when the symptoms become really noticeable. There’s no point in stressing about it, I just have to see how it goes.

I was also able to keep clean of masturbation and porn yesterday. With the dating apps losing their appeal, it has become a lot easier to manage this again. I have also been very careful when having a bath or shower to remain mindful. I’ve tried not to spend too long there as this just breeds temptation. So far it has really helped to reduce any cravings.

Nicotine-free and absolutely no cravings yesterday. Definitely a marked change over the last few days. Hopefully it indicates that I am in a deeper level of recovery now.

Yesterday I was pretty successful in following my other self-improvement measures. The only one out of the list I didn’t do was to watch a film, and that is clearly the least important one. Something I must add to the list is exercise. In all honesty, I haven’t been to the gym in a week and that has to change today. So I will be tracking this too and will update tomorrow whether I followed this

I got to day 8, but had a sesh and failed.

Currently at 31 hours no fap/no porn.

Unlucky bro but good that you got straight back on the horse. Probably advised this before but make sure you do not binge when you relapse. A cycle of abstinence > binge > abstinence > binge is a bigger addiction risk than everyday use: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebo...ddiction-risk/

Aim to limit relapses to a single-session, avoid edging and prolonging sessions. I made this mistake so many times over the last few years and I'm sure it made my addiction worse, leading to such a long recovery time

Day 4 - My sleep last night was deeper and richer than I remember it being in years. It’s strange to say that because I also woke up at 1am and 3am and had a little bit of difficulty falling back to sleep (something that is rarely an issue for me). I can’t really describe why it felt so much deeper it just seemed a lot more powerful. I feel rested this morning. My dreams were also a lot more vivid (including a wet dream, more anon) and so I imagine it’s related to getting more REM sleep.

I can’t be 100% certain that this is due to my reduced caffeine intake but it seems very likely. The last few days I have only had around a third of my usual amount (and reducing each day), which is a significant reduction and it is conceivable that my sleep would immediately improve. I take it as an immensely positive sign and it fits in with the three ways I believe quitting caffeine will help:

1) Quitting caffeine results in longer, deeper and richer sleep. Better sleep results in a myriad of benefits, including reduced anxiety, improved mood and increased cognitive functioning.
2) Quitting caffeine results in a calmer perspective because caffeine is a stimulant. The results of taking caffeine include raising the heartbeat and introducing stress to the body, which may lead to a flight or fight response if the dose is high enough (and in sensitive people). Quitting ends this peaks and troughs cycle leading to a more stable mental outlook.
3) Quitting caffeine results in better nutrient absorption. Caffeine can lead to diarrhea which leads to less nutrients from food being absorbed by the body. By quitting one is allowing their body to fully absorb the nutrients from their diet, resulting in countless benefits (including reduced anxiety etc).

On another note, as I mentioned before, I also had a wet dream last night. The fact it happened only four days after my last ejaculation is strange. I haven’t had too many wet dreams since quitting porn (I make this my fifth in 172 days) but when they do happen it is always a couple of weeks at least after my last ejaculation. And it was a pretty heavy load so that adds to my surprise. Anyway, not any point of concern, in fact I take it as further evidence that I spent longer in REM sleep last night and that my overall recovery is coming along nicely.

I managed to get through another day without masturbation and porn. I felt hornier yesterday than I have for a while (probably explains the wet dream too) but I didn’t have too many urges to express this in hand-to-gland action. I feel a deeper drive to meet someone and the apps are yielding a few more matches now. I just need to be patient and wait for one of them to lead to a date.

Also avoiding nicotine (but you knew that). No real urges to speak of. I may have the odd thought but it’s nowhere near an urge and I feel committed to my overall journey. The decision to quit caffeine has boosted my resolve with nicotine too as it all feels part of the same recovery process.

Other self-improvement efforts went decently, only red flag is that I did not go to the gym. This has to be corrected today and I intend to make it a priority.

Mood is good today. Likely I am still in the ‘pink cloud’ era but enjoying it. Did have a few negative thoughts pierce through last night again, little jabs so expect them to develop as the caffeine withdrawals hit. But overall I am feeling very positive, especially after the sign that caffeine was impacting my sleep and that quitting will help

Day 5 - Not feeling too hot today. I feel quite tired and unmotivated, generally feeling a bit depressed. It doesn’t help that it’s a horrible grey day outside. I think the reduced caffeine is starting to affect me. I noticed yesterday when I went to the gym (finally) that I was extremely tired when I got back home. I ended up having a nap around 4pm which is very unlike me. In the evening I was really grouchy and had a short fuse. Looks like the pink cloud has passed.

Still I continue with the plan. Today I had a teaspoon and a half of instant coffee, slightly less than yesterday. I’m not experiencing any cravings for more, apart from a niggling thought to say **** it and buy an energy drink and a pack of cigs, just an understanding that I am depriving myself of something I was dependent on and that is going to result in temporary withdrawals. Part of me is debating going cold turkey from Sunday rather than dragging it out anymore.

Slept fine last night but it wasn’t a repeat of the night before. This was just a normal night’s kip with normal dreams. I do feel tired today but more a depressing fatigue rather than a lack of sleep.

Porn and masturbation free, as well as nicotine too. On a day like today when everything feels dull as **** there is a strong desire to plunge back into my old destructive ways. I ended up reading through a subreddit for a podcast I used to like, just catching up on what’s been happening (nothing) and this did spark a longing to return back. Yes it was horrible but there was definitely a cosiness to doping myself in the evergreen garden of porn, nicotine, caffeine and the internet. I would love to buy a pack of cigs, down a few energy drinks, put on a compilation of podcast bits whilst I surfed porn sites and edged. That would certainly bring me back to life.

But I know that road and I obviously know that I can't. I have to break through to the other side and that means persisting through this wasteland

Day 6 - Yesterday I was in a toxic mood and I have to assume it was withdrawal related. I was depressed and irritable. Genuinely the worst my mood has been in a long time, probably since the very depths of my depression in my early twenties. Nothing seemed good about my life, no reason to be positive and I felt incredibly resentful. I really didn’t know what to do with myself, I just wanted to dig a hole and hide. Knowing it was (likely) caused by a lack of caffeine didn’t help.

I did nothing productive yesterday as I just couldn’t face real life. I went to the shop and bought some sweets and chocolate, came back home and ended up just stuffing my face whilst listening to clips from my favourite podcast on YouTube. This is not behaviour that I approve of obviously but I’m not judging myself too harshly for it. I needed something yesterday and the fact I was able to continue to abstain from porn, nicotine and caffeine is a good sign. I don’t plan on allowing this to become my new coping mechanism, it was simply an emergency comfort blanket for a particularly awful day. I will keep an eye on it to ensure it doesn’t morph into an issue itself.

Today I feel slightly better, though I did have a pretty bad night’s sleep (didn’t fall asleep till 3.30). I had an assessment phone call with the NHS for the therapy I referred myself to a few weeks ago and that went well. Don’t know when I will actually start but it seemed positive and they said they’d be in touch again on Monday. That is moving things in the right direction.

I’ve had my coffee today, just one teaspoon of instant, and maybe that has temporarily perked me up a bit. It is genuinely staggering how strong the withdrawal symptoms are for coming off caffeine. Yesterday ranks as worse than any of the initial days after quitting porn or nicotine despite both of them being much stronger addictions for me. I probably didn’t lower my intake gradually enough. I’ve gone from 300mg - 400mg of caffeine each day to 50mg in less than a week so perhaps it’s not too surprising. Maybe impatience overpowered my sensibility and that partially explains it but it still speaks to the power this stimulant has, a lot more than I realised anyway.

Due to the rapidity of my caffeine reduction I’ve decided that I am going to fully quit it from this Sunday, bringing it forward by a week. I had planned to switch to green tea for a week but I realise that I’ve already reached a similar amount of caffeine intake, meaning switching over is basically redundant. I could continue to lower my coffee use, perhaps mixing decaf for the next week whilst I work down to 0, but I reckon that is prolonging the pain. I’ve done a lot of the work so the best thing to do is to just rip the band aid off, suffer through the worst withdrawals now rather than put it off. Tomorrow will therefore be my last caffeinated day.

Switching to the main subject of this journal, I did have a little bout of edging yesterday. It didn’t last too long but it’s still a big warning sign. It happened whilst I was showering and it is clear that the bathroom is a danger zone for me. I’m setting the rule that I can’t bring my phone with me when I bathe to minimise any temptation for dating app use but beyond that I just need to be more mindful. I’m not massively concerned about yesterday because I think it was part of the general depression I was in from caffeine withdrawals, similar to the YouTube use. Clearly I will keep a much closer eye on this though.

Completely nicotine-free though, in keeping with the theme of yesterday, I did have more cravings. I very stupidly watched a few videos of this guy’s YouTube channel that just involves him smoking in various locations, one was just titled ‘Drinking and smoking cigarettes in a park at 2pm’ lol. This inevitably triggered cravings for me. As my mood worsened as the day went on, these cravings grew stronger as my brain demanded something to take the edge off. But, in truth, it wasn’t too challenging to resist and I remain fully committed to quitting. I believe tomorrow marks 50 days nicotine-free and I feel that I am almost out of the woods with this.

That’s all I can think of. Yesterday was a bad day and I just needed to get through it so I’m not beating myself up for not being productive and indulging my dormant sweet tooth. It can’t last forever but I must be a bit more lenient with myself whilst I’m surviving the caffeine withdrawals. I imagine the next few days will continue to be tough, especially from Sunday once I am off caffeine completely, but it should calm down. I’ve been reading more reddit posts about people who quit caffeine and I am convinced it is worth it. It seems to me that anybody with mental health issues should investigate their caffeine use and experiment with quitting as it seems to exacerbate the problem far more than expected

Day 7 - Depression is still ongoing. I was maybe a bit dramatic yesterday but it definitely is the worst combination of low energy and bad mood I’ve had in a long time. I’d almost forgotten what it feels like to be properly depressed. I feel terrible about my life and the person I am, I feel no hope that the future is going to be any better and life itself seems pointless and cruel. Classic depression symptoms. I barely have any motivation or energy to leave the house, yesterday I just existed and that was it. I can’t stress enough how empty I feel.

It’s not helping that the weather has been **** for the last few days, really driving home the fact that summer is over and darker days are on the horizon. That would affect my mood in any circumstance so it’s worth acknowledging that. It’s also true that my diet has been a lot worse, I haven’t been exercising as much as normal and I’ve spent more time on the web. All of these can contribute to a negative mindset and low energy. But the reality is there is one major reason for my depression.

Clearly this is related to caffeine withdrawals, as I’ve gone into in previous entries. I was warned that this would happen, every report on quitting has this as a primary reaction, but I didn’t really take it as seriously as I should have. I thought after my experience quitting porn and nicotine that I was somewhat of an expert on this chit. But the first week of ‘quitting’ (really just reducing, which in itself is crazy) caffeine has been far worse than the first week of quitting porn or nicotine. That I was not expecting.

I’ve also been having some physical symptoms. Headaches were expected and they have been happening, feeling a pressure inside my head and a general heaviness. But I’ve also been struggling with itchy, watery and puffy eyes, almost like I’m having an allergic reaction. I do have allergies but I looked and the pollen count has been really low these past few days. I don’t know if this is related to caffeine withdrawals but it fits the timeline perfectly.

I’ve realised that I definitely did not stagger the reduction anywhere near slowly enough. This time last week I was having at least 300mg of caffeine each day, likely more, and today I’m only getting around 50mg. I’m down to a sixth of my usual intake. It’s the equivalent of going from 20 cigs to 3 cigs in a week and thinking you wouldn’t have any cravings or withdrawals.

I must confess I am having second thoughts about my proposed plan to go cold turkey from tomorrow. If it is this bad whilst I am still consuming caffeine, how bad is it going to be without it completely? I guess I am scared. I am torn between staying the course and taking a step back to slow down the quitting process.

The first option is tempting because it sticks to the original plan and also puts all the withdrawals out in the open. After all, this is only day 7 of reducing so a withdrawal-related depression is not unexpected. Maybe after a week of going cold turkey I would level out and it would all be over. That does seem preferable to prolonging the pain by dragging out the process.

But the second option obviously has many appeals too, namely that it would reduce the severity of these symptoms. If I went with this option I would probably increase my intake to around 150mg now, then knock off 50mg each week to get to zero in three weeks. I would probably get caffeine pills and do it that way. This would likely be a smoother process and much less painful.

I decided to flip a coin to settle this and it told me to stagger it. So I went to the shop and bought some caffeine pills (50mg each). I took two today to take me to 150mg and will take three tomorrow. My plan from now on will be:


September 8 - 14 = 150mg
September 15 - 21 = 100mg
September 22 - 28 = 50mg
September 29 = 0mg

I feel a bit of a failure for quitting the original plan but the withdrawals were just too much. I was struggling already so the idea of actually going cold turkey was too daunting. This way it will be more gradual and hopefully it will make it easier once I do get down to no caffeine.

I chose 150mg as the starting point because it is still significantly lower than my usual intake (300-400mg) but an increase on what I’ve been doing this week. That should hopefully boost me out of the depression I’m in whilst still lowering my total dependency on caffeine. I may tweak the plan if 50mg proves too big of a drop. I could lower it to 25mg or perhaps stagger it more by knocking off 25mg every 3 days rather than 50mg every 7 days. As long as I get to zero by October 1 I don’t mind really.

My mood has definitely improved since taking the caffeine pills. I’m not perfect but I feel more alert, calmer and generally more positive. Other than the caffeine drama I don’t have too much else to say. Been clean of masturbation and porn. Free of nicotine too, marking 50 days I believe. Some lifestyle issues such as too much internet use and no exercise but this is mainly caused by the withdrawals, hopefully will become easier now that I’ve increased my caffeine intake and decided to be more gradual in the quitting process

interdasting…

i def feel the withdrawals wen quitting caffeine but it's nowhere near the impact of nofap

Day 1 - Back to Day 1. I masturbated to orgasm yesterday in a session that lasted about 20 minutes and involved online dating apps and, in a brazen escalation, escort sites. This is a significant concern and managing this has to be my number one priority. I need to get back on the horse and build up a good streak.

Not to offer excuses but I do think this was partially related to my efforts reducing caffeine. I lost focus but more importantly the mood crash resulted in lower self-control and decreased foresight, making something like this somewhat inevitable. I was also extremely tired yesterday as I didn’t fall asleep until 5am which always has an impact too.

Despite this, my mood was actually a lot better yesterday and has improved immensely today. Switching to caffeine pills and boosting my intake to 150mg (up from 60-80mg it was on Wednesday - Saturday) has had the desired effect. I am out of the depression and basically back to normal. It is quite unbelievable how dramatic the change is. It’s like someone has hit a switch.

I am pleased with the method I’ve stumbled upon. Using caffeine pills and gradually reducing seems to be the best way for me to do this. It allows me to know precisely how much caffeine I’m taking in, exerting clear control over the dose and removes the ‘ritual’ aspect of the dependency by taking it in pill form rather than adding the pleasure of coffee on top. I have still significantly reduced my intake (400mg down to 150mg) but I am now avoiding the brutal withdrawal symptoms. Anyone interested in quitting caffeine should take this route in my opinion.

My experience over the last week has convinced me that I have been nurturing a pretty severe dependency and that quitting caffeine will likely result in significant improvements to my mental health.

However, I do want to make clear that I don’t think it’s fair to pin the blame completely on caffeine. The brutal withdrawal symptoms do reflect caffeine’s power but they also reflect that I am tackling my final addiction/dependency. When I quit porn and nicotine, my brain/body would naturally have turned to caffeine to fill the void left. My point is that if I had focused on tackling caffeine first then the symptoms would likely have been much more mild. The last week was almost the cumulative withdrawals from porn, nicotine and caffeine all hitting at once because I was finally without any of my crutches.

Shifting gears, I have continued to abstain from nicotine but did have a slight increase in cravings yesterday (likely due to the same mechanisms that caused the masturbation relapse). Last night I was actually looking up nicotine-free vapes and herbal cigarettes. Clearly I was looking for some sort of loophole. I don’t think either are the worst ideas for when I’m drunk for example but it’s not something I want to spend much time on. The fact I was demonstrates my brain desperately searching for some way to maintain the dopamine status quo in the midst of the old order melting away.

Overall, I’m feeling good after a difficult few days. The masturbation relapse must be addressed, and I must not overlook the red flag of using escort sites as stimulation, but I am confident I will do it. I am pleased to have found a satisfactory way to tackle my caffeine dependency without sacrificing my mental health, though the true test will come when I start reducing the dose. I feel a great sense of optimism and clarity about how my addictions and dependencies were affecting me, it seems undeniable that I will be a changed man without them

no wonder you can't get women

lol good to have you back here, looking forward to the 'watched porn in the gym' updates

Day 1 - I need to get back on the horse. I relapsed again yesterday. I masturbated to orgasm twice, once again using dating apps and escort sites as stimulation. Very frustrating and I am disappointed in myself. I need to start again and really sort myself out.

I have deleted the internet browser on my phone again (can’t even remember why I enabled it) to remove the temptation of going on escort sites. I have also set a rule that I can’t take my phone into the bathroom as, embarrassingly, that seems to trigger urges for me. Hopefully these two precautionary measures will help me to abstain but I recognise it’s about mindset.

Last night I recorded myself speaking, something I do sometimes when I want to work something out, and went through what happened and outlined my reasons for why I want to stop this behaviour. It really helped to give me clarity and I feel rejuvenated. The truth is I think the caffeine-withdrawal related depression came at a great cost and led to me falling out of sync with my motivations. That little chat with myself helped me to recalibrate and now I feel firmly motivated to get back on the wagon. As I said to myself though, I will only feel relaxed about it once I check off at least one day.

Along with the repeated relapses over the last couple of days, my lifestyle in general has deteriorated. Since Thursday I have spent most of my waking hours sat on my laptop, browsing reddit and listening to Cumtown on YouTube. It started as a temporary way to deal with caffeine withdrawals but it stayed well after the withdrawals settled down. This needs to change too.

I have set myself some temporary daily rules to get back on track. Here they are:
1. No masturbation (or looking at sexual images)
2. No internet use on phone
3. No YouTube
4. Limit internet use to 1 hour window
5. No Reddit
6. Remove electronic use after 9pm
7. Go to the gym
8. Eat at least 5 fruit + veg
9. No caffeine
10. No nicotine

These simple rules, if followed, will stop the rot.

Once again, despite this, I remain in a good mood. I have definitely settled down after last week’s withdrawal madness. My dose of 150mg of caffeine each day is perfect, it has perfectly boosted my mood whilst still reducing my dependency. I feel the effects quite strongly. When I wake up in the morning, I feel some of the withdrawal symptoms again. My eyes get puffy again and my mood starts to drop. But then almost immediately after popping the pills I feel great.

I am really optimistic about the potential benefits of removing caffeine completely. I will write about this more in the future but it fits in with a new theory I have about my anxiety. Basically, I believe that a (mildly) chaotic childhood resulted in some form of CPTSD which led me to be sensitive to stress and hypervigilant. Caffeine is a stimulant that boosts adrenaline and cortisol in the body. Due to my sensitivity and learned response to stress, the constant influx of these hormones resulted in a near-permanent state of flight or fight, explaining why I would feel frozen (my learned stress response as a child) in social situations. Nicotine would have had a similar effect. Porn is also stimulating but mainly negatively impacted me due to the added deregulation to dopamine.

I will write more about this when I can be arsed, I have more ideas and should be able to express them more convincingly but I just wanted to give a quick insight into my current understanding and my motivation for what I’m doing

Day 2 - Happy to report that I did make it through yesterday without any masturbation, regaining a bit of composure and self-respect. It actually ended up being fairly easy, the precautions put in place definitely reduced temptation and the return of a focused mindset meant that it was never really in doubt. Of course, I need to do it again today, and I am confident I will do so, so it is essential that I stick to the plan that worked effectively yesterday.

I managed to check off nine of the 10 daily rules I set yesterday. In addition to no porn or masturbation, I avoided Reddit and YouTube, didn’t go on the internet on my phone, went to the gym (a pretty lousy workout but still) etc. The only one I failed was to ‘limit internet use to one hour window’ but I still reduced the time spent online. I will aim to keep this going today as this structure is invaluable to my self-improvement efforts.

In other news, I have reduced my caffeine intake to 125mg today in preparation for reducing it to 100mg on Sunday. I seemed unaffected at a 150mg dose so I took that as a sign that I could lower it slightly without shocking the system. If the withdrawal symptoms kick-in, especially if I notice a significant return to depression, I will consider returning to 150mg but I think it should be okay.

There are only two withdrawal symptoms that seem to have continued after increasing my dose to 150mg. One is I am still getting puffy, watery and irritable eyes, as if I was having an allergic reaction. The difference is this only happens in the morning or late at night. When I take the caffeine pills the symptoms basically disappear until late in the evening, suggesting that this is related. I don’t quite understand why this would be happening, I’ve read that caffeine does affect the sinuses so perhaps it’s something to do with that, but it is undeniable that there is a clear correlation.

The second symptom is that I am waking up more frequently during the night. My overall sleep quality has definitely improved. I feel I am getting deeper sleep and more vivid dreams, but I seem to wake up every few hours now and have a little trouble dropping back off. I wonder if this may be because, with a reduced level of caffeine in the body, I am actually following the proper 90 minute sleep cycle, going from light sleep to deep sleep to REM sleep. It’s not a major nuisance but definitely something to note.

It is worth noting that I also seem to have a bout of mildly despairing thoughts when I experience my first wake-up around 1am. It’s nothing too harsh but I get a little bit of a sinking feeling in my stomach and start thinking rather negatively. I’ll go through the usual cycle of brutally examining my life, probably rueing some of my decisions (especially with my ex, which continues to pop up). But it also seems to have more of an existential focus, it’s not solely egotistical I will think about how quickly time goes, the concept of ageing and death. I don’t know if this is a withdrawal symptom or not but report it for full clarity.

Outside of those midnight blues, my mood remains positive. The sun is shining today (finally) and that reflects my general demeanour. I continue to feel optimistic that improvements are on the way and am getting a decent amount of enjoyment despite my situation. I did experience a slight energy crash around 4pm yesterday which came with feelings of melancholy, but it wasn’t particularly unpleasurable and I interpreted it as a natural reaction. Prepared for that again today, especially after lowering my caffeine dose.

That’s basically all there is to say. Yesterday was a successful day because I effectively battled the ‘big three’ (porn, nicotine and caffeine). The days in my immediate future will also be classed that way if I continue to win the war on those three vices. I need to bring my nervous system under control after years of it being out of whack and that is mainly achieved by overcoming the big three

Day 3 - Onto Day 3 and getting some momentum now. Once again it was pretty easy yesterday, no real urges to speak of. The precautions have definitely removed temptations and I’m not feeling overly horny anyway. I know that will change, even today I feel more sexual energy, so I have to remain on guard.

Reducing my caffeine dose to 125mg has resulted in some withdrawal symptoms. I woke up today feeling quite fluey, I’ve got a sore throat, runny nose, puffy and irritable eyes and a general feeling of being run down. Apparently flu-like symptoms are very common during caffeine withdrawal. In truth it’s been ongoing for the last week or so but definitely got worse from yesterday.

My mood has also taken a bit of a hit, though definitely nowhere near as bad as last week. Boredom is probably the biggest feeling (which is appropriate given my situation) but there is also a reduction in confidence and optimism. My thinking feels quite blunted, I guess I’m having brain fog. Even writing this is laborious compared to normal. I’ve also seen my motivation, which was already quite low this week, drop further and I’m finding it hard to complete tasks. Clearly these symptoms too are related to reducing my dose.

To be clear though, I am not doing too badly. My perspective remains pretty positive overall and this is not a repeat of last week’s brutal symptoms (at least not yet). Hopefully this is the minor pain of adjusting to a slightly lower dose that will dissolve by tomorrow. I must admit, whilst it has been a fairly mild experience, it has made me question the wisdom in rushing any further reductions. The current plan is to drop down to 100mg on Sunday but I am considering staying at 125mg for a longer period. No definitive answer yet just an acknowledgement that it is hard to adjust to reductions, even if only 25mg.

Continue to be nicotine-free. I must admit I’ve had more cravings over the last few days, mainly focused on buying a 0% nicotine vape. I actually went into a vape shop on Monday and asked if they had any, which fortunately they didn’t. I recognise that this is a bad idea overall and only makes sense to have as a back-up for when smoking is an active temptation (e.g when drinking). Getting one now would simply awaken the addiction as there is no way a 0% nicotine vape would satisfy me, instead it would remind me what I’m missing. Despite these cravings, I am still completely free and approaching two months without any nicotine. Determined to continue.

In terms of productivity outside of the big three, I haven’t done much at all. I did go to the gym again yesterday but it was another lousy workout (related to the low motivation from caffeine withdrawal, I think). My diet has been relatively decent though it definitely could be better.

The job search continues but I have been quite slack over the last few days in applying. It is a source of pain and embarrassment for me to be stuck in this unemployed position, I really was not expecting it and it is definitely stopping any further improvements. When I spoke with the NHS therapy last week they did offer me some Employment Support and I will have the first of six Zoom sessions on Wednesday. I’m not 100% sure what they do, believe it’s looking at your CV and helping with cover letters etc, but hopefully it will help. I need to get this sorted as my life is at a standstill until I get something. The only consolation to this period of unemployment is that I think it’s unlikely I would have quit nicotine without it, and basically impossible that I would have identified caffeine as a major contributor to my anxiety. This alone justifies it as time well spent but it must end as soon as possible.

I am still using the dating apps, though definitely a lot less. I technically have three dates on the cards but no firm date yet. Two out of three are girls I had matched with before and had already asked out but never cashed in. I’ll try to get at least one committed. Not overly excited about any of them although they are all decent looking and seem like nice girls. Getting back on the horse would be a nice confidence boost so I will try to sort.

That’s about it. I want to note that I started writing this before I had taken my caffeine pills today, popped them shortly after penning a few lines, and as I come to the conclusion I feel much better. The flu-like symptoms have settled down and I am feeling more energetic and optimistic. Just a reminded that I am in midst of caffeine withdrawals and to take it easy on myself

started watching JOI vids on the airbike and treating it like a spin class - speed up/slow down/take a break…definitely passed the time faster

lol that is a strong mental image, whatever works for you bro

Day 4 - Another day clean, hopefully working up some momentum again. Nothing really to report on this front. Basically no urges still and managing my abstinence has been a piece of cake so far. More challenging times are inevitably in my future but this demands little analysis right now. Onto Day 4 without masturbation and porn.

Flu-like withdrawal symptoms for reducing caffeine have continued but are definitely better. After taking my dose yesterday I didn’t have any issues until the evening. And even then, it was only a slightly blocked nose, muscle ache and mildly irritable eyes. So far this morning I feel a little clogged up, a bit of a heavy head and achy legs but nothing compared to what it was.

My mood is not the best though. I feel a sense of hopelessness about everything. I am instinctively reflecting on better times in my life and I just can’t see that my life is heading in a direction that will yield happy moments. More tormented thoughts about time passing quickly and losing my youth. My motivation and focus is lacking too. I hope these are related to withdrawals, I think it’s overwhelmingly likely they are.

I have just taken my 125mg caffeine dose so I’m sure things will pick up now. The plan is still to reduce this down to 100mg on Sunday as knocking off 25mg has not been too bad. I want to be down to 0mg by October 1 so I have to be quite disciplined with reducing to avoid any massive drops.

I also want to report that I went into town yesterday and noticed that I felt a lot less anxious than normal. Usually I would feel self-conscious walking past people, nothing extreme but just naturally a little insecure. When I was walking yesterday this was absent, I felt no self-doubt and no neurotic thinking. I didn’t feel cocky or anything, I wasn’t really in a great mood or feeling myself, but I just felt calm around people. A very small sign but I hope one that suggests reducing/quitting caffeine is going to have a significant impact.

Nicotine-free still and no real cravings yesterday. I am starting to notice how much my breathing has improved. I seem to naturally take deeper breaths and breathing seems to just feel more pleasurable.

So three for three yesterday and should have no problems repeating that today. One thing I want to address today is my internet use. It has skyrocketed over the last few weeks back to a point where I am spending most my day staring at a screen looking at bull****. I think that isolating porn, nicotine, and caffeine as the ‘Big Three’ may be wrong. Instead it should be the ‘Top Four’ and include porn, nicotine, caffeine and the internet. Those are my vices and each, to varying extents, requires my attention.

So today I will reduce my use. I will write this up, post it, and then close down the laptop. I will go back on the internet later to apply for some more jobs but that will be my only use.

As I come to the end of this entry I am once again in a better mood as I now feel the caffeine in my system. Everything seems more vibrant and I feel more drive. It is so obvious that, outside of a few hours between 10am and 2pm, I am in a state of caffeine withdrawal. I must remain aware of that and not get too caught up with the negative thoughts that are a natural symptom. Instead, I should take the existence of such potent symptoms as a sign of the extent of my caffeine dependency, and therefore as a sign of the great potential for change that quitting has

holy fuk are you in bad shape - flu like symptoms and bad moods? LOL

Not so bad today bro but yeah caffeine withdrawals been kicking my ass

Day 5 - Another day of abstinence. Another day of limited urges. It’s been a doddle so far. I feel determined on this streak. I do feel an increase in sexual energy, my morning wood and erection quality has increased, but I currently feel no temptation to express it via solo means. I’m sure those cravings will come sooner rather than later though so there’s no reason to get complacent.

Continuing with the caffeine tapering, today should be my last day at my 125mg dose. Tomorrow I’ll lower it to 100mg. In two minds regarding how I should strategise the quitting process from now on. Part of me wants to stay at 100mg for at least a week, give myself a chance to stabilise at this level and not put myself through the agony of sub 100mg caffeine for a while. The other side tells me to put the pedal to the floor and get through this process as swiftly as possible. At the moment there’s no need to make a decision, I will reduce it to 100mg as planned tomorrow and take it from there.

In terms of withdrawals, it was a pretty tough day yesterday. I felt relatively okay during the day, mainly lethargic but no extreme symptoms, but I deteriorated in the evening. Fluey symptoms returned and bombarded by feelings of hopelessness and resentment. Caffeine withdrawals are no joke and I am genuinely shocked by the brutality and extent of the symptoms. The quicker I get this stimulant out of my life the better.

Another day nicotine-free too and no challenges to speak of. Cravings have calmed down again and I don’t anticipate any today. This feels very manageable.

Lifestyle is still pretty poor but I am sympathetic to the issues I’m dealing with. I do need to get back to healthy living, back to the gym (only been five or six times in the last four weeks), rock solid diet, limit internet use and start pursuing some healthier hobbies. But it’s understandable that I’m drawn to comfort whilst dealing with fairly vicious withdrawal symptoms. Will look to improve without being too harsh on myself.

Mood as I write this is decent, I’ve had my caffeine dose and I feel quite balanced. Able to recognise this is a process and to have some perspective. Expectation is brutal symptoms will return this evening, and worsen tomorrow when I lower the dose. But the severity of these symptoms only deepens my resolve to quit