It's not effortless be because its stupid lol. You have transcended to a higher plain of awareness than normal ppl. All the higher ups in my company small talk and plan the most basic chit for hours. They talk about the freaking dirt on the ground lol. They talk about other ppl. They put on fake smiles. I'm sorry but I would rather be alone than talk about the dirt on the ground

I would argue that reading threads before posting is a sign of social skills, for whatever that means here on the Misc.

then nobody on misc has social skills

Wincel bro why are you so negative all the time?

Your life isn't that bad serious.

IDK bruh

Would you say you have a negative or positive outlook on life?

negative...definitely

I know I have running water and food, and that means my life is in some ways better than most peoples'. But, love is missing, and that is a critical aspect of feeling like you have a decent life. I suspect it is the same for most other miscers.

So tell me what you've done this week to find love.

And now this marks the first time we have truly agreed on something.

I've actually given up for the most part now tbh...

Anyway, let's not make this about me bruh. I asked about social skills, and I'd say we've arrived at a pretty satisfactory idea of what it means to have good social skills.

Why have you given up?

Edit: I see you don't wanna talk about it. No worries, any time you feel like talking PM me. I went through a lot of your experiences when I was younger, I can give you some advice on this.

I think you're either born with it or you fake it till you make it.. I was born with the ability to make any conversation awkward af and just never have a pleasant time around groups of people in social events (and feel like they feel the same when i'm around) so I just stfu and keep to myself, that kind of outgoing personality just isn't for everyone. The only thing that bothers me honestly is how important small talk is to meet girls outside (especially if you're average/below average looking), and I seem to make it 10x more awkward when it's a girl I want to smash..

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-...better-person/

Read this.

Only to here and I don't have time to finish thread and quote everyone, but no this is not it. I think it boils down to confidence and charisma over attractiveness for a lot of people. Also, you can be a happy person and not be in a relationship. If you are genuinely interested in hearing what the person you're talking to has to say, than I think that comes across and makes them open up even more. I'm not a rocket scientist but I can have a conversation with just about anyone as long as they don't sit there like a neanderthal and not speak except a few words here and there. Which I've had happen. That's not enjoyable.

Also agree with what you said in OP about "game". I see what some of those guys in the Tinder thread say and it's pretty pathetic "game" IMO. Maybe it works for 18 year olds but it's laughable to me. Some guys know how to talk to women and most don't. I've come across maybe 2 or 3 that can seduce with just words.

Sorry choppy and all over the place. Hopefully this will still be going when I have more time.

becuase he's a DEATHNIK, his parents selfishly uprooted and left india where everyone is a ****** so it's not that bad since all males are on an even footing to come to a land where tall high t dom masculine white hunks exist and foolishly thought he could compete, he literally never even had a chance, ofc he should be negative given the circumstances

womb to tomb brehs

Social skills, is the glue that holds society together - and all the elements that make up that glue. Such as:

-Knowing how to anchor effectively to further conversation
-Learning how to tone down your cynicism and bring out what optimism you have
-Being able to relate to your audience (leave your ego at the door)
-Intonation & body language that keeps people engaged
-Making people feel at ease around you instead of on edge
-Criticise constructively and recognising when people are open to critique
-Being passionate about something, letting people feed off your energy and good vibes
-Treating someone like a knowledge well - They may know something you don't and if youdolearn anything, show your appreciation for it
-Validate people, provided they deserve the validation. Everyone needs to be validated and both recognizing and leveraging it is imperative

I don't want to write anymore, I need to go to my other classes.

In other words being fake. Doing things you dont really care about to not feel lonely.

TBH, if you view those things as fake, you need to work on your assumptions about other human beings.

This is why people "without social skills" are often received as lacking empathy and being arrogant/narcissistic. The other person's feelings are real, and thinking about how you're making them feel instead of just spouting off your entire unfiltered inner monologue is not being "fake", it's considerate and will be a deciding factor in your ability to get along in the real world.

It's called not being a sociopath. I've been phucked around most of my life - Bullied, rejected, ignored, neglected by parents. I sunk my mind into video games to cope and got miserable whenever I had to interact with people who weren't fellow gamers. But I always envied people who were likeable, respected, admired - I didn't even like, respect or admire myself.

I decided that had to stop - once you truly become an admirable and likeable person you not only stop hating yourself but people want to get to know you. It's not about being fake, it's about being a functioning member of society rather than a shut in who wallows in their negativity.

Call it fake all you want but people like you and Silence are miserable as hell and it comes off in your posts. Sometimes I feel like every post Silence makes is about how single she is but "doesn't mind", to paraphrase. She's clearly occupied by it, but at least she avoids making threads about it - unlike yourself. But moving back to you. You're really phucking miserable and any claims of being in a better position just because you're "not fake" is major denial of your circumstances.

If you learned how to function with people instead of getting caught up on being "real", yet found a healthy balance with your introversion you'd be happier. But you can't even comprehend happiness it seems, never mind making steps to achieve it.

it's like chad: you know it when you see it. if you have to think/analyze it, you'll never actually get it. it's like trying to explain color to the blind

OP - you are saying that are unattractive are said to have bad social skills because people are bored and uninterested around them, which isn't accurate at all. Lots of ugly guys have charisma, can joke, be entertaining, etc. Look at guys like Seth Rogen. Social skills means more than having the knowledge to discuss a topic, but being able to naturally flow with conversation. Some people can do so easily, some can't. Has nothing to do with looks.

10/10 social skills OP, nicely done.

So glad I honed my communication skills at a young age

It's a combination of effective communication, appropriate responses, and interesting hobbies.

Effective communication is knowing how to talk to many different people. Don't be afraid to talk and learn how to tolerate and understand different accents, languages, cultures, social lingos, and professions. It's also about being able to think clearly, speak clearly (enough), and capability of showing sympathy and interest in other people. Because if you don't, people won't even begin to talk to you once they see there's either a language barrier, an intolerance barrier, or you look completely interested in different things. You have to show interest (even if it isn't genuine), and learn how to speak up and speak clearly, and be tolerable of different people.

Appropriate responses is knowing when and what to say and what not to say at the right times. I think this is where most people fail in general. It's not always about moral smugness or superiority, it's about being relatable to people, emotionally. If something fuked up happens to somebody, and everyone reacts like, "oh that's horrible", but then you're the oddball that thinks its funny, people are going to think there's something wrong with you. Or the opposite happens where the situation isn't as serious, and people joke and laugh about it, but then you can't take the banter, you can't take a joke. It's about being appropriate and knowing what to say to people, the words don't always have to be accurate, but the emotion has to be correct, or people will question your sanity or humility, depending.

Interesting hobbies is a must. You can't relate to people unless you find interest in hobbies that a lot of other people do. Because normal small talk and conversation often feels empty, awkward, and meaningless, but if you, let's say, like sports, your favorite sport is the NBA, and you encounter someone who also likes the NBA, now you have a lot to talk about, and the smiles and "happiness" you described will come out more. Don't focus on one thing, do a lot of different things, so you have a lot to talk about with people, and it opens up to deeper conversations and making bigger connections with people.

OP, you are clearly a relatively high-IQ individual, and that comes with benefits and costs. One the main costs is that the things other people want to talk about are oftentimes not interesting to you. I know how you feel. However, you need to get over the misconception that talking to people on their level about things that they want to talk about is just "fake" "emotional manipulation." It's not fake just because it's not your ideal subject matter or because you encourage the other person to keep talking about something that doesn't particularly interest you. It isn't all about you. The positive feeling they get from it is real.

No one is suggesting that you lie to people or pretend to like things that you don't like. People oftentimes want to talk to me about TV shows, and I don't often watch TV. 'Good social skills' means that when someone is excited to say something to you about a show or movie they saw, you encourage them to tell you about it, and you follow along with facial expressions and questions that indicate your interest in what they have to say. You're showing interest in what interests them and, by extension, interest in them as a person, not in the show itself. They don't care whether you end up liking the show or not, and you don't need to pretend you've seen it. You listening intently and conveying your interest in what they're saying is not any more fake than their telling you all about something they're not sure you care about. It's not important that you care about the underlying subject, it's important to them that you seem to take an interest in learning more about them by listening to what they have to say in an active way.

People will perceive that you have good social skills if you make them feel comfortable around you (not saying and doing weird chit or being consistently negative) and like you are interested in their thoughts and feelings. That is largely separate from whether you have good 'conversation skills.' It seems like good conversation skills means to you that you can speak at length on a variety of topics. Lots of smart people can speak at great length about a wide variety of topics, and many of those people are unbearable to be around. You have to acknowledge that most people probably don't care about a lot of the stuff that interests you, and you don't care about a lot of the stuff that interests the bulk of society. If you want people to perceive you as someone who is fun to be around or to whom they may want to be romantically involved, you have to participate in human social interaction on the terms that apply to everyone. What you're basically doing on a daily basis is bitching that the system favors average people. You ought to be able to see how absurd that is.

Stop making excuses. Everything you post on this subject is just coping BS. There are plenty of ugly and/or obese people who can draw a crowd and make meaningful relationships with others through their social skills, and there are plenty of people who had ultra chitty childhoods or events or periods of time in their lives who go on to tremendous social/business/family success. Your allegedly terrible life probably pales in comparison to those of many people who have a ton of friends and successful romantic relationships, regardless of whether they're particularly physically attractive. If you are genuinely autistic, then you are at a bit of a disadvantage, but not one that can't be overcome with some purposeful self-improvement and/or therapy. In any event, you would have to be a very high-functioning autist to be having the conversations you've described.

Get moving. Let's do this, *******.

EDIT: I used to be a zero-social-skill uber-creep in high school and throughout much of college. I would literally stand outside of high school dances in a hoodie and listen to rock CDs on a Discman in my pocket because I was way too cool in my own mind to listen to the hip-hop/pop chit that all the girls and other guys were dancing to. That did not work out well for me. I thought it was everyone else's problem that they didn't want to discuss physics or evolution or philosophical ideas with me. It wasn't. It was my problem when I realized that basically no one was interested in being around me, and no girls seemed to think I was a fun person to talk to (despite the fact that I was reasonably funny) unless they were in sort of a similar situation. I was picked on and sort of outcast throughout elementary school and middle school because it took me too long to realize that other people don't like being around people who make them feel dumb. They might admire your intelligence, but you have to know when to knock it the hell off and just relate to them on their level instead of making them feel inadequate because they aren't thinking on yours.

I was able to fix my problems to a very significant extent, and I'm not an extraordinarily handsome Chad who just gets away with whatever.

Social skills is more than conversation. Most geeks have poor social skills, but talk to them about their field of interest and they'll yack to you for hours about it. Anything else? Silence. Disinterest.

To be social is to understand social cues, to be able to read people, to be able to make them comfortable around you and the ease with each you can develop a relationship with someone. Think about a group of friends vs a group of strangers. What's the difference between the two? With strangers, you don't know anybody, you are guarded, you don't share so openly. With friends you are comfortable, you share openly because you understand how they will react and they understand what you mean. Social skills are about bridging the gap between a stranger and a friend. It's about getting someone to open up and share themselves to you. A popular person can easily make friends because they instinctively know how to do that.

Now, in regards to "Chads/Staceys". Chad's are good looking and they benefit from the halo effect. Maybe his conversational skills is not that good, but because he is good-looking, people are drawn to them. People are naturally invested in them, they are more comfortable and they will happily open up to them. Same way with Staceys. A Stacey can get some beta chump to act in completely irrational ways based off her looks alone. She hasn't invested anything in him. She doesn't know anything about the guy. The guy opens up based on looks alone. So as you can see, the Chads/Staceys depend on their looks to get people to open up while the average Joes depend on conversation and similar interests to get people to open up.

OP, my advice is to worry less about what you are saying and worry more about building a connection with someone. Share yourself. Let them know who you are on the inside. In return, they will open up to you and your relationship will develop naturally. Good luck!

I haven't read all the responses so this might have been mentioned already.

They say 60%-90% of communication is non verbal and I believe this. If you are starting with the idea that you're a loser, ugly, fa etc... so what's the point in even trying this will come through in your tone and body language without even saying anything.

I also notice that any practical advice is immediately shot down without even considering it with "what would you know you're good looking, confident etc...?" I'm not denying that there's truth in this but it seems the purpose of these incel forums isn't to try to figure out solutions but rather to re-enforce the already negative feelings they have about themselves and blaming scapegoats (victim mentality).

All this forms a gang/community where these guys feel like they finally belong probably for the first time in their lives. So now to actually get a girl would be akin to betraying the group that finally accepted you.

Also communicating well on-line doesn't necessarily translate to communicating in person.

Only in situations where they are useful in some way ie providing humor or comic relief. It's sad, but it still fits my model of being useful.

Good social skills are Kenny Rogers in this song, bad skills are the gambler in the song