It's not wrong, but can you make it to the funeral? Fly in that morning and come back that evening?

My guy came to my brother's funeral and we weren't even serious yet. It was very nice of him to do and meant a lot to me.

This.

This.

Drop everything for the service though.

Lmao inhaled his liver. Not that OPs post is funny. This made me lol tho

your school and work are more important,and most of relationships like yours dont last that long .... but if anything , go there on friday evening ... like right after you finish school and work

This entirely depends on your relationships with her father, her family and how much she can understand why you chose your priorities over her family's.

If you weren't close to her father and/or family and she totally gets that you are working on your relationship long-term, you may get a pass.

Warning: she will bring this up anytime you have an argument, even though totally unrelated, and use this to get leverage on you by guilt tripping you. If you are ok with this, do as you please.

PSA: Girls are usually scramble-brained, hence the above warning.

My dad passed away a year and a half ago suddenly. Never drank or did drugs ect. My gf almost got fired for missing a full week of work to fly home with me. But she didn’t leave my side throughout the full process and I needed her there more than anything. I was a mess and wouldn’t have been able to get through that without her there. Guess since you’ve luckly never been through anything like this before then you don’t know.

I’m the type of guy who really isn’t affectionate at all or shows feelings and I like my alone time but when my dad passed away it all changed in an instant and I needed to be with friends family and my girl friend but mostly her. Can’t Imagine going through that without her like your gf is currently doing without you. I feel bad for her srs cause I know how much she needs you rn and you’re worried about missing a fooking class you clown

Edit. He did take his own life which is different than the situation above but you’re not going for him. You’re going for her

She sounds like she can't even understand realities and is being unreasonable even during this tough time. A big lack of understanding, it's not as simple for others to just drop everything and leave. You can still support her but you don't have to risk a lot to be there the whole time.

Another guy summed it up perfectly with certain women. They don't add or remember all the times you go out of your way, but the minute you can't be there then you're instantly in the wrong. Don't fall for these childish mind games.

You can't go; and she understands why you're staying back.


What exactly is the problem?

You guys can't take time off school lmao? Schools easy as chit, barely even went to classes since it was too boring. You can't go to a catch-up class or self study?

3 classes and 3 days work is hardly anything.

If my girlfriend didn't come in a similar situation I'd get rid of her. Can't believe this is a serious question.

This is a tough one for sure.

From what OP described it sounds like most of that chit can get pushed back or rescheduled.

Taking the dad's alcoholism out of the picture, the girl lost her father. Whether he is viewed as a POS or otherwise for his alcohol abuse, this event of her father passing is only going to happen one time in her life.

Goes directly back to how invested to this girl you've become, you mentioned her depression and suicide, that she's pretty much the one with a few flaws.

Can you reschedule a couple classes? What's the absolute worst case scenario of postponing or failing a few classes long term? Is your Guard work an actual deployment or training exercise?

Her dad wouldn't want y'all to sit there, beat yourselves up, and grieve all day. He'd want you guys to move onward with your future, and use this experience to make you stronger.

Going for a full week is understandable on her part, and although she may like for you to be there for her during that - she understands it's a burden (depending on the role).

Not being able to attend the wake or the funeral is questionable, and selfish. You address all this stuff about work and school, but did you ask them for bereavement? Most of them will allow you to take the 1 day just to get there and deal with it.

You should ask your work/school and go for that reason. They are quite understanding for things like this.

Imagine it the other way. I don't expect much of other people in general. Even if my wife had things on whilst my dad passed I wouldn't pressure her or make her feel guilty. Everyone has their own choices to make. If I was you I wouldn't feel guilty about it for a second.

You're getting a lot of conflicting input on this OP.

I completely understand your situation and why not going seems like a smart move (very well could be to be honest) but if this women is what you call "wife material" and you see a future with her, you need to put her first. Women need emotional support more than anything, and despite her saying "she understands" this is something that will stick with her forever. She will look back, and see you not being there for one of the most difficult times in her life.

I'm not swaying you either way, but just be aware of the reality of the situation. It really depends on if you see a future with this woman or not.

work and school is more important

the drunk chose his path ( srs)

and looks like youre marrying into a family of winners, not srs

is she trailer trash?

On mobile so I’ll just respond to this and the other concerns.

This is just my opinion and if people want to ridicule me that’s fine. Everyone has their own opinion. But the timing of this is terrible. It’s a week out from Thanksgiving and relating to the Guard, I’m preparing for an exercise in Pisa Italy with the unit starting a week from Saturday. I actually paid for her ticket to come out and see Italy with me for the duration of the time.

Without a doubt if I had nothing going on I’d be there. Even cancel work they are understanding here both at the class too. They are allowing me to not go to Italy to attend the service but just now I found out he will be cremated so the service can happen at anytime. IMHO there isn’t a reason they can’t have it before we leave assuming no other family members are going to come. I’m not sure who will attend or if there will be one. But with that I’m seriously at a crossroads. I talked to my unit and they can pull me off italy to be there for it, but need to know before the weekend. I told my GF this and see said she appreciates it. Unit even said they would hook me up with a civilian airline to get there. So extremely supportive.

But here is the issue. I asked my mother to come to Italy as well. Her marriage is falling apart and she wants nothing to do with my dad so I figured inviting her to Italy would cheer her up. She always wanted to go. Now she paid for her ticket as well as the hotel I’m staying at. This is well over 2k invested into this. I told her I might come off italy to be there for my girlfriend, but she definitely put everything into perspective. She said she wanted to be honest with me and say it’s not right that she spent all of this money for it to not happen which I understand. She also said she is still going to go which I get too considering what she invested in. So what am I supposed to do? Make her go by herself out in Italy? I personally can’t let that happen and I get it’s a decision she is making, but I did tell her I’d be there for all three of us to go out. And now I’d back out for something that her family could have scheduled when her as well as I could attend. Not to sound selfish. Because my girlfriend is supposed to go in this trip too ita not just for me. But my mom has sacrificed so much for me and I have been gone a chit ton cause of the military. Missed multiple holidays and birthdays so it’s like I’m never there for her either. Even though she literally doesn’t care because she actually understand I have a life too.

In regards to her father he was a great guy, but I have to agree with the other posters who say he put himself into this situation. I just have to. I cannot have simpathy for someone who totally destroyed his life knowing full well what the consequences are. The italy thing is what makes it difficult because being honest, I don’t see this as a reason for her life to crumble. She also has school as well and she might completely drop out which I don’t think is right. But just my opinion. And to the other poster above no she isn’t trailer trash her family are actually multi millionaires.

So whatever I do I’m fukked lol

Your mom is right, but she's also manipulating you. Just because she's your mom, doesn't mean she's not a woman. What she's actually telling you is that she expects you to put her wishes above your gf's wishes. If you don't, she will hold it against you and your gf and it will come up again at some later date when it suits her. You don't want that, especially if this gf one day becomes your wife.

You are in a predicament.

Can you find a way to be there for 1 day with your gf and still do everything you need to do for yourself and make your mom happy? If so, pick that 1 day strategically, explain in detail to your gf how difficult it is to be there for both she and your mom now, but that you're gonna find a way to make it there for some of it because she needs the support. Then do it and for that 1 day, be there for her fully. If the 1 day isn't possible, then it's a case of prioritizing your mom and the money she has already spent, over being there for your gf. I'm not sure she won't hold that against you. Even if they say something's not a problem, it often is. Nothing you can do about that though.

keep doing what you're doing op

post some pics from your time with your mom in italy in another thread, especially the food

if your mom is gonna be single, feel free to post pics of her too

good luck, son

if you were at all considering a long term future with gf then dun goofed

mommy needs you with her by her side in Italy

gf needs you by her side because her dad died suddenly

tell your mom to suck it up for ONE DAY, make arrangements to be with your girlfriend for one day if there is a funeral service

your gf didn't pick her father, your mother chose her husband

Why are you judging her dead father you scumfuk

People already said ITT that alcoholism is a disease and addiction that some people cant control, its genetic and changes your brain synapses and affects decision making.

You cant make a decision to quit when its controlling your ability to make decisions.

None of this has anything to do with why or how her father died, its about the scheduling and how bad she needs help/companionship, the reason he died should have nothing to do with it you judgmental scumbag.

My grandfather passed away when I had been dating my now wife for about a two years. Told her stay back and focus on law school since I had family to deal with and funerals can be a real interesting time for family. She understood and respected my wish and came to the funeral service only as we discussed. There was really nothing for her to do prior to that.

Everything worked out better than expected.

My ex GF came with me to my dads funeral, and honestly my entire family still view her in a very positive light and I am so thankful that she was there for me during that day even though things didn't work out between us. I'd recommend going to be there for her, but I'm not about to read the 3 pages about what you decided to do.

I was with a girl for 7 years who started med school near the end of our run. She couldn't be bothered to come home when my dad died, not for me and not for the funeral.

If this is something serious, there's a chance she won't look at you the same. I sure as hell didn't, and it showed. Didn't last much longer after that.

I'd say you should at least discuss with your prof/employer if you can go.

If they can't have you miss anymore time, she should understand you can't go not just for your best interest but hers too if you are planning a future together.

break up with her

Trust me I know my mother. She isn't trying to manipulate me. She legit doesn't care what I do and says I need to figure it out. I get where she is coming from too. Why would she use it against us? She is going to Italy lol. She is a huge introvert, but I'd still want to be there when she is there just in case something stupid happens. This is my mother.

You might not be understanding what I'm saying. Here is the rundown. I leave for Italy the 24th. My GF and my mother are going to fly out on the 28th and then we are all coming back on December 7th. So I'm not sure where you're getting the one day thing from. I get the impression everyone here is assuming I'm not going to attend his funeral. I am, but the family isn't talking. Which I get I asked once and that's it because I'm not pushing this subject a million times. My GF is projected to come back on Monday. Again, this isn't a definite yes or no. So if you're saying I should go for one day I think it makes more logical sense to go if the service will be next week. So I'm not flying down for a 12 hour day to fly back home to fly down when they decided the date for the service. It would make more sense to me that way. Just my thought process.It's not for one day it's for almost two weeks. A trip my GF is going on as well. My mom doesn't really care what I do just told me I need to make a decision that's best for me.So by that logic you should be able to screw any woman in a relationship right? I mean, male species "in the wild" want to spread their seed to as many women as possible so you should be able to do that because that's how men are and you can't control it? Or how about someone who is overweight and can't stop eating? They can't control that either? Or if you're in a relationship and your girl decides to bang another guy because his status was higher than yours which is normal because women want a high status male? So you shouldn't have a problem with that right?

At the end of the day you're entitled to your own opinion. Alcoholism is NOT a disease. It's an action someone is partaking in as well as every statement I listed above. You're choosing to do these things. It's a process and he wanted to change when it was too late. As far as I'm concerned, only one other poster claimed alcoholism isn't entirely his fault, but said the process of detoxing is extremely hard since the body is so used to it and craves the addiction. Which I agree with.

I'm the last judgmental person on the planet. However, all actions have consequences.The keyword with all of these responses is someone not being there for the funeral. I'm going to attend the funeral if they plan it.

Yep boyo you made a mistake.

A mistake you will never be able to make up for if you marry her.

Relationship experts call this a critical moment of neglect.